Daria Fanfiction - Daria Gets a Cat

This is my second fanfic and, again, its a comedy. Notes are at the end of the piece, jokes are scattered, and trays are in their upright and locked positions.

Scene 1: A sidewalk in Lawndale.

The scene opens with Daria and Jane walking home from school.

Jane: (a tad excited) So then Mr. DeMartino stands on his desk, drops his pants showing the whole class his USA flag underwear, puts his hand on his heart and starts singing "God Bless America." Of course Ms. Li walks in right then with people from the state education board. (beat) At least he wasn't mooning Kevin this time.

Daria: (deadpan) Dammit, I always miss the good stuff. I guess he had forgotten to take his medication that morning?

Jane: Nah, it just wasn't working I guess. I'm sure though they upped the dosage afterwards. (beat) And that's what happened when someone asked DeMartino about the time when Bob Hope came to 'Nam for a visit. (1)

Daria: So, is that why he does all the national anthems?

Jane: For now. The lady who used to sing them had a voice that would shatter glass. (beat) So, want to come over and watch TV? I went to the store this weekend and have some cookie dough with your name on it.

Daria: It's not that sugar cookie stuff you got last time?

Jane: I was in a minimalist mood. Everything was plain. My paintings, my cooking, my clothes,...

Daria: (interrupts) So that's why you showed up to school in a toga.

Jane: Ms. Li didn't like that too much but I just told here our washing machine had broken again. (beat and then with more feeling) This time, I'm going for substance.

Daria: (eyebrow raised) Chocolate chip?

Jane: (grin) Chocolate *CHUNK*!

Daria: (thinks for a second) Sure, why not? Its not like I have to watch my girlish figure or anything.

Jane: (smirk) You know, I know someone who would love to watch your figure. All you have to do is ask.

Daria: (glare at Jane) I hate you.

Jane: Yea, right. That's why you keep coming back for more. Maybe I could paint a picture of the 2 of you rubbing cookie dough over each other. I wonder if I could get Trent to model. (beat. Looks at something on the sidewalk) What's that?

We see a very large orange and black tabby cat laying spread out on the sidewalk. He is reaching out to the girls and panting. He appears to be weak. As the girls come closer, he collapses.

Jane: (heartbroken) Oh, the poor thing. (She runs over to the cat and kneels down by its side) It must be a stray and hasn't had anything to eat recently.

Daria: (coming up behind Jane with her eyebrows raising up) Jane, you actually believed that act? The thing weighs a ton, looks very well taken care of, and how many cats reach out like that? I haven't It seen it sround anywhere. He must belong to that new guy that just moved in around the corner. He seems pretty strange.

Jane: Oh, Daria. You just don't understand cats. (scratches the cat) Oh, he's so cute.

Daria: Looks more like you found another guy to latch on to.

Jane: With cats, it's different. I've had my two for ages. I'm sure they would just love another playmate.

The cat appears to be shocked for a second at the mention of other cats and then struts over to Daria and starts rubbing up against her leg and purring.

Jane: (surprised) Well, maybe not.

Daria: (looking down at the cat) I don't like pets though. (The cat looks up at her and bats his eyes.) Cat, you wouldn't like my home. The only "toy" I have is my bratty sister to beat on (cat gets an evil look on his face) and all we do is eat lasagna for dinner.

The cat reaches around his back, pulls out and ties a napkin to his neck, pulls out a knife and fork, and sits there happily looking at Daria holding the silverware ready to eat.

Jane: (smirk) Looks like you found a new friend.

Daria: (deadpan) Just what I need. Another airhead to deal with. Don't I have enough of those to deal with already in life?

Jane: At least this one won't annoy you too much.

Daria: Well, I guess it will be OK for a couple of days until we can locate the owner or get the pound to pick you up. (to Jane) Why don't we go over to my house then and watch TV?

Jane: And you can introduce your new love to your family. If he goes over well, maybe you can work your way up to bringing humans over to meet the family. (Beat) Maybe even Trent.

Daria: Humans? Must be why I keep bringing over yentas. They're no where near being human. (Beat) So what are we going to call our new attachment?

Jane: (leans over and tried to pick up the cat) Dammit, he is heavy. (beat) You know, he looks familiar.

Daria: (Looks at the cat) He does, doesn't he. Where have we seen him before?

Jane: *grunt* Oh, it will come to us. (beat) How about Quinn?

Cat: HISS!

Jane: (surprised at cat's reaction now in her arms) Sorry!

Daria: (beat) How about Cartman?

Cat: (Evil glare) HISS!

Jane: He is big enough. (Beat. To cat) Sorry, you're stuck with it.

The cat, now named Cartman, sags in Jane's arms. They turn towards Daria's home and walk off the screen. The following lines are heard as they walk away.

Jane: We can stop by my house and pick you up some canned cat food to hold you over until you can buy some.

Daria: Why do I get the feeling he doesn't eat normal cat food?

Scene 2: Daria's room.

Daria, Jane and (*snicker*) Cartman walk thru the doorway. Jane closes the door behind her and places Cartman on Daria's bed.

Daria: Well, no one is home yet. I guess they'll all meet Cartman this evening at dinner.

Jane walks over to the television and turns it on.

Television: Swingers, mary jane, and cigars! The Clinton Presidency! Next on Sick Sad World!

Jane: Ugh! (To Daria) I guess I could ask you for some help with my math?

Daria: Why not?

Jane drops the remote on the bed next to Cartman who looks at it with a grin. They pull out their books and sit down on the floor.

Jane: How do you remember all those geometry formulas?

Daria: You just have to get used to them. Most of them make sense when you think about them. The area of a triangle is....

Television: (Very loud voice) HEY KIDS!!!! (2)

Both Jane and Daria look at the television. We see a very strange looking clown on the screen.

Television: (Still loud) Let's learn some science today!

Daria: Jane, turn that back to Sick Sad World please.

Jane reaches over to the bed to grab the remote from under Cartman and switches the channel back. She then drops the remote back on the bed.

Television: (slow and formal) I did not have sexual relations with that girl.

Daria: (to Jane) So how was she?

Jane: (in a voice that sounds sort of but nothing like President Clinton) Oh, she was great. Wonderful, man. (3)

Jane laughs and Daria does her half smirk.

Television: (loud again) And remember kids, when you throw water balloons out a window, be sure not to hit anyone bigger than you. (4)

Daria: I thought you switched the channel back?

Jane: I did. What's wrong with your television?

Jane gets up again and grabs the remote from under Cartman. She changes the channel back to Sick Sad World and drops the remote back on the bed.

SSW Announcer: So how was she?

The slow and formal voice but more cheerful: Oh, she was great! Wonderful, man!

Daria: (snicker) Great minds think alike?

Jane: Then how come you came up with it?

Daria: One of these days, Jane....

Television: (even louder this time) HEY KIDS!!!!

Daria and Jane look at the television and then to the remote on the bed. Cartman is sitting on the remote again and looking at the television with a grin.

Daria: It can't be.

Jane reaches again for the remote. This time Cartman won't get off of it and glares at Jane.

Cartman: HISS!

Jane: (surprised) Well, maybe we should just do our homework downstairs in the living room. We can watch the TV down there.

Daria: (smirk) What's the problem, Jane? Found a guy that won't give you what you want?

Jane: (as she picks up their books) Oh, I'm sure I can turn him to the dark side. It will just take time.

They leave with their stuff. Cartman goes back to watching television.

Scene 3: The Morgendorffer's Kitchen. Daria, Jane, Quinn, Jake and Helen are all seated around the table eating lasagna. Jake is reading his paper.

Jane: Thanks, for having me over for dinner, Mrs. M.

Daria looks up at Jane with a smirk.

Helen: (smile) Any time, Jane. At least I planned on a special dinner anyway tonight. It's not every night we have lasagna.

Quinn develops a coughing fit and Daria chokes on her drink. Jake is still behind his paper not paying any attention.

Quinn: (minor shock) I can't believe you brought that *thing* home with you.

Daria: What's wrong Quinn? A problem with me bringing home something better then you normally do?

Jane smirks.

Quinn: M-mom!

Helen: (warning) Daria?

Daria: He's only here for a couple of days until we can find the owner. Shouldn't be too hard. How can you miss something that big?

Quinn: And how could you be so cruel and name it something stupid like Cartman? He's too cute for a name like that.

Jane: I had a better name for it but Daria didn't like it.

Quinn: Really? What was it?

Jane: I wanted to call it Qu...

The front door bell rings and interrupts

Daria: I'll get it (She gets up) and you can help me Jane. (Pulls Jane out of the seat and they go off to the door)

Jane: Well, if you insist.

A knock is heard on the back door.

Helen: Hmm, that's strange. (She gets up and goes to the door)

A knock is heard on the Living room patio door.

Quinn: It must be for me. (She gets up and goes out of the room)

After a minute all four come back into the room. Cartman is sitting on the table just finishing off the lasagna. (5)

Daria: Well, so much for our special dinner.

Helen: (sigh) That was the last of the lasagna, too. I guess we can order some pizza. (Cartman's head whips around at the mention of pizza)

Jane: I think you better add an extra pie to that order, Mrs. M.

Jake finally pops his head over the paper.

Jake: Oh, look. What a cute kittie. Is he yours, Jane?

View from the outside of the house.

Helen: (loud) JAKE!

Scene 4: Daria's bedroom next morning.

A fairly tight view of Daria's bed showing her asleep. She wakes up, sits up, stretches, reaches for her glasses and puts them on. The view pulls back as Daria looks around the room. We see Jane's sleeping bag on the floor empty. The room is pretty messy with bowls knocked over with the remains of popcorn around them, an empty soda bottle, cookie dough wrappers, etc.

Daria: I guess Jane's already up. (beat) Which means she's got to be at the coffee machine. One of these days, we're going to have to do something about her little coffee problem. (6)

Daria starts getting out of her bed.

Scene 5: The Morgendorffer's Kitchen a short time later. The view is on the doorway. Daria's stumbles thru as the shot pulls back. She stops with a bit of surprise as we see Jane sitting at the table pouring coffee for Cartman who is sitting on the kitchen table holding a coffee cup. The table is littered with used coffee cups, spoons, the sugar bowl that is knocked over, and there's a pool of milk or cream near the pitcher. She then refills her cup and they both take long drinks from their mugs in unison. After a second, they lower their now empty mugs down and both let out happy little sighs.

Jane: (to Cartman) So, was it good for you?

Cartman lets out a happy little purr. Daria shakes her head. (7)

Daria: (Voice over) At least it isn't a lab rat. (8)

Scene 6: The Morgendorffer's Living room. Jake is sitting on the couch reading a magazine, Jane and Daria are sitting on the floor rolling a ball back and forth between themselves trying to get Cartman to play. Cartman is sitting on the couch half asleep ignoring them. The doorbell rings.

Quinn: (from off screen upstairs) That's for me. I'll get it.

Daria: Like I'm going to get it for her.

Jane: Five bucks says it's the fashion club.

Daria: I'm not going to take that bet, Jane.

Quinn runs down the stairs and bounces over to the front door. She stands there for a second looking at herself in the mirror. She finally opens the door as the doorbell rings again. We see Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany standing there.

Sandi: Well Quinn, it's about time. Waif says its not fashionable to keep one's friends waiting on the doorstep. I might (horror) *burn* out here.

Cartman has begun to waken since he hears new voices.

Daria: (to Jane) Isn't it March?

Jane: (to Daria) The sun is out though. The undead have different rules.

Quinn: I'm sooooo sorry, Sandi. I was just reading my advance copy of Waif. You know I get it a week early before it appears on the newsstands.

Sandi: Just a week? The Waif editors fax me their articles to proof read!

Daria: (to Jane again) Yea, their April Fool's articles.

Jane: Lawndale, where Waif sends their garbage.

Quinn: Of course Sandi. Everyone knows that you lead the fashion trends here.

Tiffany: Um, Quinn. Are you going to invite us in?

Quinn: Sure!

Quinn moves aside and the fashion club walks in. Cartman pokes his head up over the back of the couch to see the new arrivals. The fashion club sees him.

Stacy: Oooohhhh, look. A kittie cat.

Jane and Daria mouth "Kittie cat" silently to each other.

Sandi: When did you get a pet?

Quinn: Um, actually my cousin brought it home yesterday. We think it's a stray.

Cartman looks at Daria with a look as to say "Cousin?"

Daria: (to Cartman) Don't ask.

Sandi: (Looks at the other members of the fashion club) It appears that Quinn has an unfashionable new addition to her household. As members of the fashion club and the leading trend setters...

Jane: (to Daria) More like point setters.

Sandi: (Didn't hear Jane) Here in Lawndale, we need to show others examples of what they can do to become fashionable.

Tiffany: Um, Sandi? He's a cat.

Sandi: Doesn't matter, Tiffany. We can still use him as an example. (She bends over and picks up Cartman.) Now, Quinn, let's go up to your room and work on this unfashionable *thing*.

The Fashion club and Cartman go up the stairs. Jane and Daria sit there on the floor looking after them. After a beat, they look at each other, shrug their shoulders, and go back to rolling the ball back and forth. After a second or two, the doorbell rings again.

Daria: My turn.

Daria gets up, walks over and opens the door. We see a very young, skinny, male standing at the door rubbing his hands together. He appears to be worried and nervous.

Man: Good morning.

Daria: If you say so.

Man: (not sure what to make of that) I'm Jon Arbuckle and I moved into that house on the corner about a week ago. I have a large orange and black cat that appears to have....

Daria: (interrupts) come over to visit us. We have him. If you would like to come in and sit, I'll try to pull him away from my sister. She's giving him a makeover.

Daria leads Jon into the living room. Jon appears to be trying to figure out what Daria means by makeover.

Daria: (loudly up the stairs) Quinn? The cat's owner is here to pick him up.

After a second, Cartman is seen running down the stairs trailing bows and ribbons. He sees Jon and leaps into his arms. They fall to the ground both looking happy.

Jane: (smirk) Hmm, where have I seen that before. (beat) Oh yea, thinking about you and Trent.

Daria: You never give up, do you?

Jane: Not when I see a good thing.

Jon: Well, thanks for taking care of him. Do I owe you anything for your trouble?

Daria: Nah, it's fine.

She lets Jon and Cartman out the front door and walks back over to Jane. Both of them suddenly look at each other with looks of surprise on their faces like they finally understand something. After a second,...

Daria and Jane together: (shaking their heads) NAH!!

The end.

Notes:

Well, there's number 2 from me. I hope you liked it. If you havn't guessed by now, "Cartman" is actually Garfield and this is a Daria/ Garfield crossover. It worked out pretty well in my head. We have pizza, coffee, lasagna, sarcasm, put downs of the lesser folks around them, etc., etc.

The hardest thing to deside in this story was if Garfield was to be able to talk to the other characters or not. In the Garfield comic strip, we, as readers, are used to hearing his thoughts. I wanted to allow Daria and Garfield to be able to converse in some method but, if I did that, it would be too strange. ("M-Mom! Daria's talking to the cat again!")

I never could figure out a method of Garfield picking on Quinn. (ala Odie)

How did this come about? Honestly, I haven't a clue. I was just thinking of doing a crossover but couldn't think of any that I wanted to try. Garfield popped into my mind and, like I said above, it just seemed to fit pretty well.

My thanks again to Canadibrit and Jill Palmer for proof reading services.

All characters are trademarked and owner by their owners.

My website is at Dr. Mike's Steak Dinner. Opinions, comments, suggestions, etc. to drmike (at) tdjc.be.

Footnotes:

1.) Story made up for this fanfic.

2.) This is, of course, Blinky the Clown.

3.) Taken from a "Killer Spam's Comedy Stuff" routine found on mp3.com. I forget which one it was from though. The "sounds sort of but nothing like" comes from the "Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy" novel by Douglas Adams.

4.) Nope, never did it. :)

5.) In the first draft, I had Daria, Quinn, and Helen coming back in the room to find Garfield eating the lasagna with Jane sitting there at table laughing her head off. I then thought the Morgendorffers would be pretty annoyed if Jane let the cat onto the table so this is what I went with. Opinions?

6.) Could this be some forshadowing of a future Dr Mike fanfic? Only time (and my writing schedule) will tell.

7.) Yup, another coffee comedy routine. Probably going to be a bit of a set pattern for me.

8.) A nod to Dr. Belch's Daria/ Pinky and the Brain Crossover, "The Plot in a Nutshell" which I read shortly before writing this. Hopefully he won't mind.

Tech Notes:

This is the final draft version 1.2 finished on Feb 4th, 2000. It was started approx Jan 14th, 2000 but I only got about 60 lines done and I didn't like how it was coming out. I put it aside for 2 weeks and returned on Feb 2nd to redo the begining and finish the work. The rough draft was completed on Feb. 3rd and sent out to some willing subjects for beta reading. Footnotes were added during the evening of the 3rd (version 1.0) with a few corrections made that evening. (1.1) Typos corrected on the 4th. (version 1.2)

It was again written with the text editor UltraEdit32. For some reason, I'm having problems with line wrapping and am having to do it manually. Hopefully, everything comes out fine.