Ext View: A large movie studio with many, many soundstages. The sun is just coming up and there is little movement on the lot. The view is from overhead and it is in real life, not a cartoon. After a second or 2, the camera view begins to zoom thru the property. We zoom past sets and props, actors actresses, and extras, under a truck or 2, etc. We finally settle on an older soundstage at the far back of the lot past all the storage buildings. The camera stops on a view of the back corner of the building where there is a small concrete staircase leading up to a metal door. Next to the door is a cartoon sign with the Daria logo. Underneath the logo is the word “Darla”. It’s crossed out with red spray paint and the name “Daria” is spray painted over it. (1) After a second the headlights of a car are seen flashing over the sign as we hear a car in the background. As the camera pulls back a bit, a modest looking blue cartoon car pulls into a parking space. The driver’s side door opens and we see a very much awake Trent turning off the car. He’s dressed in a white dress shirt with black slacks, his hair is combed and he’s holding what looks like a bunch of scripts. He shuts the door, bounces up the stairs, and pulls at the door. It’s locked.
Trent: I guess we’re the first ones here again…
He turns around and discovers there’s no one behind him. He gives his laugh/ cough thingie, bounces back down the stairs, and walks back over to the car. He knocks on one of the back door, opens it and sticks his head in. After a second or 2, he pulls a very sleepy looking Jane out and props her up against the side of the car. She’s wearing a “I survived the Too Many Choices Epic Saga, Damn Saga” gray tee shirt and gray sweat pants. (2) She stands there breathing in the fumes from a cup of coffee as Trent closes the door, jogs around to the other side of the car, opens the door and pulls out a sleepy looking Daria. As he guides Daria over to stand near Jane, we see she’s dressed in “Opus ‘n Bill for the White House” (3) sweatshirt, gray sweat pants and holding another cup of coffee. Trent steps back to look at the pair and they sleepily look back at him.
Trent: And I’m the one who plays the narcoleptic brother.
Jane: mmph mmoph um blem.
Daria covers her mouth with her coffee cup as she starts a big yawn.
Trent: Its not my fault you two went out last night clubbing. You two knew we had to be here early this morning.
Daria: (finishing) It’s only a reading this morning. You would think they could schedule it later in the day.
Jane: We can do a reading in our sleep.
Daria: (to Jane) We have. Remember? That’s how Depth Takes a Holiday got past us. If we had been awake, we would have never done it.
Jane: (grumbling) You know how it is. We’re cartoon actors. We get all the bad slots, the bad crews, the bad catering, the bad…
Daria: (interrupting) Didn’t get a good contract renewal again?
Jane gives Daria a evil look and goes back to drinking her coffee. We hear another car pulling up as the three turn to look at it. It’s Lynn’s Silver Mercedes convertible and she’s got the top down. We hear Monte Python’s “Sit on My Face” nice and loud. (4) Daria and Jane cover their ears. Lynn just smirks at them and turns it up for a second before she turns the music off and shuts the car off. She hops out with a copy of a script in one hand and coffee in the other.
Lynn: (as she comes up to the group) We’re all standing outside. (beat) Locked out again?
Lynn looks over to Daria and Jane.
Lynn: They awake yet?
Lynn: They went out clubbing last night again, didn’t they?
Lynn: I hope they didn’t come home with Roger Rabbit again.
Trent: (with a smirk) Nope.
Lynn: (turns to Trent) So, what do you think of the script?
Trent: (with a chuckle) At least I’m in it.
Lynn: Didn’t get a good contract renewal again?
Trent looks at Daria standing there in a sleepy daze.
A human security guard starts to walk by with a set of keys in one hand and a clipboard in the other. He’s reading the clipboard and looking for a specific key on his ring.
Trent: Excuse me, sir?
Guard: (not looking up) Yes?
Trent: Could you open this soundstage so we can get in?
Daria: We have a reading to go to.
Guard: (still not looking up) Sorry, I have to go open a trailer across the lot. Miss. Spears has been locked out again. We can’t have someone of her talent standing outside. She might catch cold and wouldn’t be able to perform.
The guard walks off still looking at his clipboard and keys. Trent’s evil glare follows the guard as he walks off.
Jane: So Trent. What character are you playing again?
Trent: (Giving up staring after the guard, he starts flipping thru the script) The village idiot it looks like. I don’t even get to sing.
Daria: (looking down into her coffee trying not to yawn again) The village wise man, Trent. You’re the one living off away from the village that we go to when we need something described or explained to us. It allows the viewer…
Lynn: (interrupting) Reader, Daria. This is a fanfic.
Daria: (to Lynn) Is it? I thought the writers were calling it Season 5?
Lynn: Dr Mike writing it. I think he’s calling it Season 5.5. He’s going to try and write a series in between all the other fics he’s got planned.
Daria: As if he can get a fanfic out on schedule. (Back at Trent) Your character is also used as a device to tell the reader any history or background that they need to know about to understand what is going on.
Trent: (Looking at the script) I get all of six lines in one episode. Six lines doesn’t pay all that well.
Jane: I thought they got you off of scale?
Jane: Bummer. Maybe you can change the writer’s mind and get him to add more lines.
Daria: (to Jane) I thought wrapping guys around your little finger was your forté?
Lynn: (also to Jane) You’re the one with the good contract.
Trent: (chuckling) Yea, Janey. Care to help out your big brother?
Daria and Lynn: *COUSIN*
Trent starts his laugh/ cough thingie while Lynn and Daria stand there with smirks.
Jane looks down at her coffee but the viewer/ reader/ whatever can also see a small smile on her face.
Jane: This show has too many in jokes.
Lynn: It is a strange script though.
Jane: (speaking into her coffee) No stranger than that crossover we did with Garfield last month. (beat) Morning after lines with a cat. (shakes head) (5)
Daria: I still don’t understand why my character would want to go off to some third world village somewhere in South America.
Jane: It makes sense if you think about it. Dr Mike was reading that fanfic called “The Mighty Quinn” by Nemo Blank.
Lynn: I liked that one.
Jane: I did too. I had some good scenes in it. Anyway, Mike came up with the idea of what if Vincent tried to do something to bond with Jane. Since Vincent is always going of on photo shoots, he desides to take her along. (beat) You two and Quinn just come along for the ride.
Daria: As a writer?
Jane: (shrug) Some has to write the bit that goes along with the pictures.
Lynn: But why Quinn?
Jane: That’s easy. Your folks want a month off by themselves.
A small group of hyper teenie boppers come running up to Daria and Lynn. They are dressed in colorful M-TV tee shirts, colorful stretch pants, weird looking hair, etc. You all know the type.
Bopper #1: (Handing an autograph book and pen to Daria) Can we have your autographs, please?
Bopper #2: (Handing another book and pen to Lynn) *PLEASE?* We see you all the time on M-TV!
Daria: (With a surprised look on her face) Sure.
Lynn: (Also with a surprised look) OK.
Daria and Lynn sign the books and hand them back as the teenagers jump up and down and make sequels of delight. The teenie boppers walk off screen as a group. We hear the following lines from off the screen.
Bopper #2: (Still hyper) I told you we would meet Janeane Garofalo here on the set.
Bopper #1: (Even more hyper) She was *SO* cool on Mystery Men.
Bopper #3: (Sounds like Tiffany does on the show) But who was the other girl?
Daria and Lynn look at each other for a second with faces of annoyance, wind up and throw their coffee cups after the group of teenie boppers.
Bopper #1: Eew! Coffee stains.
Kevin and Mack go jogging by in the opposite direction. They are dressed in typical jogging attire, shorts, t-shirts, sweat bands, etc. They look behind themselves with shocked, scared looks on their faces and jog off in a hurry.
Lynn: I see the morning exercise group is out this morning.
Daria: They’re still one short.
Jane: (looking to where the joggers had come from) And here he comes now pulling up the rear.
After a few seconds, a very worn out looking Upchuck sort of jogs into the shot. He’s dressed in a gray sweat suit. Ms. Barch is running circles around him with a smirk on her face.
Ms. Barch: Come on you low life scum. You call yourself a man! Let’s see you use those muscles of yours. You don’t use them for anything else.
Ms. Barch goes jogging off after Kevin and Mack. We can hear her throwing insults after them but can’t hear specifically what she is saying. Upchuck gets to the edge of the screen and stops for a second. He tilts back and forth and he huffs and puffs, trying to catch his breath. After a couple of seconds, he sighs and jogs off the screen.
Lynn’s cell phone rings. She answers it.
Lynn: The Lord of the Manor….And a good morning to you, Mr. Get 10% of my hard earned money and I get little in return. How are you this morning?…Standing outside the soundstage once again….Yes, it’s locked up tight again…Look, you’re my agent, right? You’ve got to find me another fanfic writer to work with….Because of her, that’s why….We’ve gone over this before. She had me sleep with Trent, that’s why. You’ve seen all the hate mail from those damn shippers who hate me now. Plus I’m having to go back and rewrite all of her scripts….Why? Because she ain’t going to do it plus my writing is a lot better then hers….And what about my contract talks?…What do you mean you can’t get equal billing for me? They’ve got my picture up there on the splash screen but they cant add my name to the show title? And what about my own dressing room? I’m getting tired of stepping over all those damn art supplies. I would think someone more important than a sidekick should get her own dressing room….Fine, you’ll work on it. I’ve heard that before. See what you can do about it .
Lynn snaps her phone closed. Trent stares down at his coffee. Daria and Jane inspect their boots. No one is looking at Lynn.
Lynn: Um, so how are the contract talks going with you?
The scene changes to a dumpster with the lid closed. After a second, the lid opens and Lynn pokes her head out. She has a banana peel on her head and another one on her shoulder.
Lynn: (She takes the peel off her shoulder and looks at it) Damn actors.
Back to waiting beside Trent’s car. Daria and Jane are once again leaning up against the car in their old positions with Trent standing there watching them. All 3 have slight smirks on their faces.
Jane: You know she’s going to hell to work with all this morning now?
Trent: Just bring up that Tim…
Daria: (interrupts) Tom.
Trent: That’s right. (beat) Just bring up that Tom character the writers want to bring in and that will keep her quiet.
Daria and Jane look at each other. Jane chuckles and Daria just stands there with a smirk on her face.
We see car lights play across the scene. The three turn and watch as a long black stretch limo pulls up and parks across 4 parking spaces. As soon as the car stops, out hop the 3 J’s. They are dressed in over sized, orange jail-type coveralls. They all rush over to the rear door closest to the soundstage and open it, their heads bowed low. Out steps Quinn. She’s dressed in tight leather pants, a tight leather vest, her hair is pulled back in a tight ponytail and she’s carrying a riding crop. She walks over to the group by Trent’s car. The 3 J’s shut the door and then stand there waiting by the limo.
Daria, Jane, and Trent: Good morning, Mistress Quinn. (6)
Jane: May I shine your boots, Mistress Quinn?
Daria: May I clean your leathers, Mistress Quinn?
Trent: May I sharpen your crop, Mistress Quinn?
All four look at each other and burst into laughs. Well, their trademark laughs. Trent does his laugh/ cough thingie, etc.
Jane: Jail coveralls?
Quinn shrugs, turns and looks at the 3 J’s just standing there. She gets a annoyed look on her face and snaps her fingers at them. The 3 J’s jump, turn back to the car, and start unloading luggage.
Quinn: They were bad boys yesterday and are being punished. (beat and then with her typical voice when she wants something) And they’ll be punished again if one of them doesn’t get me my coffee. (The 3 J’s jump slightly, Jamie reaches into the limo, and brings Quinn her coffee. As Jamie walks away, Quinn whacks his butt with her crop.)
Jamie: (jumps) EEP!
Jane: (With a smirk) You know, Daria and I are having a party next week before we go off for filming. Any chance we could….
Daria: Jane, I don’t think that would be a good idea….
Quinn: We’re there. We haven’t done anything in public recently. (The whole group turns to watch the 3 J’s finish piling up Quinn’s luggage. Once done, the 3 J’s stand in line.) So 8617, 2718, and 3722…
Jamie: Hey, I’m 3724.
Quinn: Whatever. I guess you want your rewards. (Looking around) Um,…
Trent: (With a snicker) Hold on a second. (Reaches into his car pulls out his box of dog biscuits. He passes them to Quinn.) Here you go.
Quinn: Thanks. (She tosses biscuits to the 3 J’s and then hands the box back to Trent. Daria and Jane glare at Trent.)
Trent: What? (Deeper glares from Daria and Jane.) These are good. (He pulls out a biscuit and munches on it while putting the box back into the car.) Did you think I really give these out to bands I don’t like? You can’t bring food into bars.
Daria: (Sigh) Only in California. (beat. To Quinn) Are you bringing the boys with you on the filming?
Quinn: Yup. My agent got a clause added to my contract letting me bring them along when we film off the lot.
Trent: (Over his coffee) Must be nice to get a good contract.
Jane: (An aside to Trent) At least you don’t have to do those public service announcements Daria and I had to do with that other fanfic author.
Trent: (Back at her) At least your contract says you have to be in each episode.
Daria: (To Quinn) Um, we’re not going off the lot to film. We’re just going to one of the soundstages that has a jungle motif.
Quinn: (softly) I know that….
Daria: And I know that….
Quinn: (pointing at the 3 J’s so only Daria can see) But they don’t know that.
A while jeep pulls up to the group and parks in one of the spaces. Brittany is driving. She’s wearing blue jeans and a Pink Floyd tee shirt. As she hops out, we notice that she is very flat chested. She walks over to the group. They say their good mornings to each other.
Trent: Hey Brit, didn’t you forget something this morning?
Brittany: (sigh looking down at her chest) No, I didn’t. Someone swiped them again from my dressing room last night.
Daria: Upchuck again?
Brittany: Who else could it have been? (beat) I guess I’m going to have to get them back again from him.
Jane: (With a smirk) I still can’t believe the writers let us get back at Upchuck during that episode. (7)
The door of the soundstage opens with a squeal and one of the assistants sticks his head out the door. It’s AP with a headset and a clipboard under his arm. He looks pissed.
AP: Well, it’s about time you folks showed up.
Jane: (Loud at AP) The door was locked again.
AP: (Flicks the exit bar of the door. It goes up and down. Of course he just unlocked the door himself.) Well, it’s unlocked now. Hurry up. We need to get the reading started. (He goes back inside)
The five look at each other and then give the door a collective middle finger salute. The 3 J’s join in until Quinn shoots them a dirty look.
Daria: Well I guess it’s back to hard labor.
Jane: The daily grind, the back breaking labor, the hot lights, the toil of movie making.
Quinn: I don’t know what you’re complaining about. You’re the one who sits there eating doughnuts most mornings.
Jane: (Stands up straight) Doughnuts and coffee, an artist’s breakfast!
Daria: (deadpan in character) Stale doughnuts and cold, mud like coffee, all they will feed us on the set most mornings.
Quinn: (Also getting in character) EEW! How can you eat that?!? Doughnuts make you fat and coffee isn’t good for your skin.
Brittany: (She quickly slides her hands underneath her tee shirt, shoves them forward making 2 very weird looking fake breasts. As she talks, she moves her hands around making it look even funnier.) Like, if you eat a doughnut, where does the hole in the middle go?
All four look at Trent. After a second…
Trent: Oh yeah. I guess I have to get into character also.
Trent runs his hands thru his combed hair messing it up, closes his eyes, leans his head back against his shoulder, and lets out a loud snore.
Daria, Jane, Quinn, and Brittany chuckle as they walk towards the door. Jane pulls Trent after her as he lets out some more snores. Quinn herds her group with her luggage to the door also. They all go inside. After a second, the door open again and AP sticks his head out again looking around. Lynn walks into view and comes up the stairs. She still has the banana peel on her head.
AP: Hurry up, Purple Peril. We’re all waiting for you inside.
Lynn: Hey, just because you’re Glenn’s favorite nephew,…
AP: (interrupting) Yea, yea, whatever.
As Lynn walks up the stairs, she pulls off the banana peel, drops in on AP’s head, and walks thru the door shutting it behind her. AP pulls the banana peel off his head, looks at it for a second, and chucks it out of the scene.
AP pulls on the door only to find it locked.
AP: (sigh) Damn actors. (Starts knocking)
Please take this story with a grain of salt. Heck, take it with one of those big salt licks they give farm animals. This fanfic was written just for fun. Yes, the characters we all know have acted in some weird ways but we all know that the actors and actresses we see are different then the characters they play.
My thanks to Candabrit for once again the use of her creations, AP and Lynn, and for her allowing me to have some fun with them.
(1) A silly jab at MTV for their continued lack of concern for certain aspects of Daria. (The show times, voice overs during the credits, etc.)
(2) The Too Many Choices Series by Nemo Blank. I like it. I just wish and hope he will finish it sometime soon. If you don’t have a clue as to what I’m talking about, you can find Nemo’s works at: http://members.xoom.com/Nemo_Blank/
(3) If you don’t have a clue as to who Opus and Bill are, I’m not going to help you. They must have been before you’re time.
(4) I’ve always wondered why Candabrit, Lynn’s creator, never included this wonderful song in any of her fanfics. 🙂
(5) A plug for my second Daria fanfic, Daria Gets a Cat. You can find it at: http://drmikessteakdinner.com.
(6) My thanks to one of my web design clients for the idea of Mistress Quinn. In her words, “Anyone who can have such complete control over any male has got to be a dom.” You figure it out. (My contract with her prohibits mentioning names.)
(7) I guess I ought to explain that one. In the episode “Too Cute”, Daria is given a pair of fake breasts. At the end of the episode, Daria shows them to Upchuck. On the Outpost Daria Message Board, the topic of Daria’s breast size has come up a few times. So what if Brittany had to use a pair of fake breasts as part of her costume and Upchuck was in real life just like he was on the show. So the cast set up a scene where a trick is played on Upchuck. Consider it an in joke of the cast that got ad-libbed into a take and then left into the final release. Heck, if Babylon 5 could do it, why can’t I? 🙂
This story is set as a sort of prelude to a series I’m planning called “The Jungle.” Hopefully in a few days, you will see the first part of it.
My computer tells me that I started this fanfic on April 7th, 2000. That sounds about right. This was suppose to be a quick warm up piece for me but it didn’t turn out that way. I’ve gone back and added bits and pieces during a 3 week period. The first final draft was completed on April 27th, 2000. Hopefully it will pass the beta readers test. Still using Ultraedit and I’m still having problems with it with the margins and the spell checker. Maybe I’ll just start writing these in html. At least my html editor will let me put ‘Daria’ in the spell checker library.
The characters in this work are owned by their copyright holders.
Please send feedback and comments to drmike (at) tdjc.net. My collection can be found at http://drmikessteakdinner.com.
What’s next? Not sure yet. I would like to start the Jungle series but I have too many ideas kicking around my head. We shall see.