Daria Fanfiction – Pairings

Daria from MTV

Daria from MTV

Daria and Jane get paired up in a different sort of class assignment.

Dr. Mike

Disclaimer: The characters, Lynn and AP, are works of Canadibrit and are not to be used without her permission. Once again I do thank her for giving me the chance to use them in my fic piece.

Ext. View: A Lawndale street. We see Daria and Jane walking down the street side by side, backpacks on their backs. Jane looks deep in thought as she takes a drink from her coffee cup every once in a while. Daria looks on.

Daria: Jane?

Jane: (With no interest) Hmmm? (Sip)

Daria: (A little louder this time) Earth to Jane?

Jane: (Still without much interest) Hmmm? (Sip)

Daria: (Almost singing it this time) Planet Earth to Major Jane? (1)

Jane just takes a sip this time without answering. You can clearly see that she has something else on her mind.

Daria sighs, reaches over and pulls Jane’s coffee cup out of her hand. After a second or two, Jane takes a drink from her non-existent coffee cup. She seems to enjoy it as she smacks her lips as she lowers her empty hand. Daria is really looking at Jane strange now. Jane reaches up with her empty hand and finally discovers that her coffee cup is now missing. It takes another couple of seconds for the loss of her coffee cup to sink in as she stops walking.

Jane: Hey! (Jane looks around looking for her cup finally setting her eyes on a blank faced Daria holding the missing cup.) What did you do that for?

Daria: So you wouldn’t fall into that open manhole cover in front of you.

Jane: (While looking down) Manhole cover? What manhole cover?….

Jane looks down and we see an open manhole cover no less than 5 feet directly in front of Jane.

Jane: Oh, you mean that open manhole cover?

Daria: No, I mean that one across the street, Lane. (The camera pulls back to another shot that shows the 2 characters towards the front of the screen while we can see the other side of the street with it’s own open manhole cover. Surely Jane would have fallen in the one in front of her though if Daria hadn’t stopped her.)

Jane: OK, I guess I should be paying more attention to where I am walking, huh?

Daria: Either that or we could get you a Seeing Eye dog.

Jane: (Shrugging.) Another playmate for Zachary and Taylor.

Daria begins to hand back the coffee cup to Jane but notices something strange about it first. She looks in the cup and takes a sniff.

Daria: (Sniff.) Jane, this isn’t coffee. (Sniff.) This is milk.

Jane: Yea, so?

Daria: As long as I’ve known you, I have never seen you drink milk. Hell, how can you have milk in your house without it going bad first?

Jane: (Shrugging.) I felt like something different this morning?

Daria: (Looking at Jane.) I guess. (She hands the cup back to Jane.) So, what is on your mind this morning? You don’t seem to be here right now.

Jane: (With a sigh.) Ms. Defoe has asked me to take some of the neighborhood kids around trick or treating.

Daria: You actually volunteered for something from a teacher? Jane, you’re slipping.

Jane: Well, she is my favorite teacher.

Daria: I seem to remember a painting that you didn’t want to do when I first moved here that she talked you into. (2)

Jane: Ok, I just want to make sure that I get a good college recommendation from her. (Beat.) I’m thinking ahead.

Daria: Well, at least it’s a good excuse. (Beat.) So what are you thinking about so hard about that you almost fall down thru manholes covers?

Jane: I’m trying to think up of a pair of costumes for the two of us.

Daria: Excuse me? Did you say the two of us?

Jane: (Shrugging.) Maybe?…

Daria: I don’t remember saying that this was something I wanted to join in on.

Jane: (Looking over to Daria with a big fake grin on her face) Please?

Daria: You know I don’t like to help with stuff like that.

Jane: Pretty please? Don’t forget we’ll be getting candy out of this.

Daria: (With a smirk.) You should see the amount my mom picked up last weekend. We could get over a 100 trick or treaters and still have plenty left over. (Beat.) Unless Dad gets to the candy first.

Jane: Think of all the cute little kids all dressed up in their costumes that we get to ride herd on?

Daria: (With an evil look) You’re not making it look any better, Lane.

Jane: It will be fun?

Daria: So is watching Sick Sad World 24 hours a day but I don’t do it.

Jane: Not until they finally add that new network to the cable lineup. (3)

Daria: Next month, right?

Jane: I hope so.

Daria: They’ll show 7 channels of 24 hour shopping, a channel for soap operas from 20 years ago, and a channel devoted to Scooby Doo but they can’t show anything good around here.

Daria looks off the screen to the side at the convenience store that I wrote in a few fics back. (4) She looks down at Jane’s near empty coffee cup.

Daria: Ready for your mid morning, on the way to school and half way there cup of coffee?

Jane thinks for a second and then shrugs.

Jane: Nah, I don’t think so. I’m fine.

Daria: (Looking on in amazement.) You’re passing up on coffee?

Jane: Yea, I’m fine. Plus if I need some, I can get a cup out of my locker.

Daria and Jane continue to walk past the camera. We hear the following lines from off the screen.

Jane: So, are you going to help me play grown up or not?

Daria: You’re not going to give up on this, are you?

Jane: (In an evil voice) Not until you give in to the dark side of the force, o’ partner in crime.

Daria: I hate you.

Int. View: A Lawndale High School hallway by Jane’s locker. Jane is leaning up against a near by locker door looking bored while Daria works the coffee machine that is kept with in Jane’s locker. Daria offers Jane a cup but passes on it with a wave of her hand. Daria looks surprised.

Daria: Are you feeling OK, Lane?

Jane: Yea, sure. Just not in the mood for coffee this morning.

Daria still looks surprised: Not… in… the… mood?…

Jane: (Shrug.) No, not really. Been drinking too much of the stuff recently anyway.

AP and Lynn stumble up to the locker, both nod to Jane and then push Daria out of the way to get to the coffee machine. After a second or two, they turn around with coffee mugs in their hands breathing in the steam. After sipping, they both give off happy, little sighs and lean back against the lockers. Well, “happy little” sighs for them. After a bit, they finally look up at Daria and Jane. (5)

Lynn: The sun is out, the birds I haven’t knocked off with my paint pallet gun are chirping, commuters are stuck in traffic on the roadways, and there’s coffee in Jane’s locker. (She goes back to her drinking.)

AP: (With a slight smirk.) That’s probably the closest thing you’re going to get as a “good morning” out of Purple Peril this early. (AP looks at Jane who is without coffee. He pulls away from the lockers and stands in what would be a heroic pose for anyone else but him.) Art-Smart, you are without your morning elixir. May I fill your chalice with the nectar of the gods? (AP takes a sweeping bow as Jane, Daria, and Lynn look at him with amazement on their faces.) (6)

Daria: What the hell was that?

AP: (Looking at the other three with a slight grin while still bent over.) Maybe I got something out of O’Neill’s play?

Lynn: …which I doubt. You wouldn’t get anything out of Shakespeare even if it was cast with the crew of Babylon 4 and Last in Space.

Jane: 5, Lynn. Babylon 5 and Lost in Space

Lynn: (Shrugging while turning back to Jane’s locker for a refill.) It’s not like I’m going to watch those shows any time soon.

Jodie walks up to the group with a clipboard.

die: (Trying to sound cheerful.) Morning.

AP: Look out. The Over Achiever is on the prowl.

Jodie: (Sigh.) I need help with getting some chaperones for this years Halloween events at the Elementary School. I couldn’t get anyone of you to help out, could I? (7)

Jane: Actually I’m already helping Ms. Defoe’s group.

Lynn: AP, Daria and I will be leading the satanic rituals down at the park this year. If you think the youngsters would be interested in helping out…

Jodie: A simple no would have been fine. (She walks off.)

Lynn: Speaking of needing coffee.

The intercom makes its typical intercom noises as the school’s new principal starts with the morning announcements.

Mr. Caldwell: Good morning, students. This is Mr. Caldwell, the principle of Lawndale High.

Daria: It’s so nice to hear “Lawndale High” spoken correctly.

Mr. Caldwell: As I am sure you are aware, a large number of students’ records have turned up missing after the unfortunate incident with Ms. Li. In addition, the state board of education has asked us to work with all students to make sure that he or she is learning at their effective grade level. For the next week, we will be having teams of educators working with students on both their educational and development skills. Your current class schedule will be changed to make enough time for everyone to be evaluated and ranked on your current performance. Please report to your homerooms for your new class schedules.

AP: (deadpan) Oh, boy. New classes.

Jane: Just as we were learning how to sleep thru our current classes. (Beat) Maybe they’ll find an interesting class for a chance.

Daria: Jane, you’re in Lawndale. The most interesting thing around here is a giant strawberry.

Lynn: Coffee machines in student’s lockers.

AP: Pokemon at the local comic stores.

Jane: (Deadpan.) Wait, stop the merry go round. I can’t take the acceleration.

They all walk off to their homerooms with smirks on their faces.

Int. view: A Lawndale High classroom. We see Daria, Jane, Lynn, AP, Mack and Jodie sitting at desks. Other students are scattered around the room. AP is knocking his head against his desk. Daria, Mack, Jodie and Lynn look pissed. Jane has a smirk on her face.

AP: I (bang) can’t believe (bang) we’re back (bang) in a (bang) stupid (bang) self (bang) esteem (bang) class. (bang bang bang)

Jane: (Still with the smirk) Seven times. That has to be a school record.

Lynn and Daria together: I hate you.

Jane: Oh, you 2 are just jealous because you’re not as special as I am.

AP: I (bang) got out (bang) of this (bang) stupid (bang) class once already. (bang)

Lynn: (Holding her head in her hands.) AP, if you don’t stop that annoying banging, I won’t be held accountable for my actions.

AP looks up at Lynn. She looks back at him with a straight deadpan face. After a second, she puts one on of those big tight-lipped grins that squeeze up the face and the eyes. AP turns pale.

AP: Sure, Lynn. I’m just annoyed that I’m stuck in this class. I mean what else could go wrong….

The door opens and Ted DeWitt-Clinton walks in and stands by the door looking back into the hallway. Our four sit in their seats waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Lynn: (After a few beats) Well, that wasn’t so bad….

The camera view changes back to the classroom door and we see Ted’s face light up and Quinn walks into the room. We hear 4 bangs from off screen.

Lynn: (Muffled.) Well that still wasn’t too bad.

Daria: (Also muffled.) When will we learn?

The door opens again.

Jane: (Moaning.) No….

Kevin: Hey everyone. I’m the QB!

Brittany: You sure are Kevie….

We hear four more bangs from off screen. The camera view changes back to our four and we see them with their heads on the desktop.

Lynn: (Muffled.) Damn it. It got worse.

The door opens again and we see a large older gentleman walk thru the door. He’s dressed like the typical teacher, white dress shirt, dark pants, and a cheap tie. He has a pair of black-framed glasses on and has what remains of his hair combed over his nearly bald head. He slowly walks over to the front of the teacher’s desk dropping his briefcase on the top as he goes by.

New teacher: (With a big happy grin on his face.) Good morning class. I’m Mr. Johnson, your teacher…

Our four together: …and your friend. (8)

Mr. Johnson: (Chuckling along with those that are awake in the class.) Always did like using that as an icebreaker. (Getting a tad more serious now.) I am sure you would like to know why you are all here this morning.

AP: (Banging head on the desk again.) It’s another self-esteem class.

Lynn: (Annoyed.) AP? No more banging please.

Mr. Johnson: Actually it’s a bit different from the standard Self-Esteem class that was given here before. It’s appears that that lesson was written by a bunch of hippies, artists and new wave thinkers. (9)

Jane: (Defending her people.) Hey, some of my best friends are artists and hippies. (Beat.) Don’t know about the thinking part though…

Mr. Johnson: Well, we won’t hold that against you know. (Chuckles from the class.) You must be Jane Lane?

Jane: (Surprised that a teacher knows her name without being introduced first.) Yes, sir.

Mr. Johnson: Seventh time for you taking this class, doesn’t it?

Jane: Um, yes, sir.

Mr. Johnson: Well, hopefully you will get something out of it this time that you can use. (To the class as a whole.) Actually to call this class a self-esteem class isn’t totally correct. You have been placed in this class not because of any self-esteem issues that your teachers may think you have. You are here because they have concerns on how you deal with others.

AP: (Banging his head again against the table. Will he never learn?) Now I can’t deal with others.

Lynn: (Past annoyed now.) That’s it.

Lynn gets up from her desk and goes over to AP’s desk, grabbing him by his jacket collar.

AP: Hey wait a minute, Purple Peril. What are you doing?…

Lynn’s not listening and she picks him up, gets him over her shoulder, and carries him out the door in a fireman’s carry.

Daria: Speaking of not being able to deal with others…

We can hear AP’s repeated pleas as we can assume that Lynn’s carrying him out of the school building.

AP: Oh, no. Lynn, not the tra…

We hear what sounds like a body being thrown into a container of some sort followed by a metal lid being slammed shut. After a minute, Lynn comes back into the classroom and goes up to Mr. Johnson.

Mr. Johnson: Hmmm, you’re wearing purple. You must be Lynn?

Lynn: (Quick nod of the head.) Yes, I have that distinction.

Mr. Johnson: (Turning to Daria.) Then you must be Daria (Who nods.) and the poor soul you just chucked is (Thinking for a second.) Upchuck?

Lynn: Thank goodness, no. Sorry for the interruption. I had to take care of a little problem. His name is AP.

Mr. Johnson: (Trying his hardest not to laugh.) Feel better now?

Lynn: (Thinking for a beat.) Actually, yes. I do.

Lynn sits down again at her desk.

Jane: (Grinning.) Had to take out some trash, Lynn?

Lynn: (Under her breath.) You two can’t have all the fun doing that. (10)

Daria: I’m surprised you could lift him.

Lynn: He isn’t that heavy. Plus I’m used to throwing him around. (11)

AP finally walks back into the classroom. He looks a little dirty and has a banana peel on his head. He walks over to Lynn and pulls off the peel from his head.

AP: I believe this is yours?

AP drops the peel on Lynn’s desk and
sits back down at his chair.

Mr. Johnson: Anyway, as I was saying, you are here so that we can work on your interaction skills

Kevin: (Speaking up.) But coach already says that I already have all the skills that I need.

Mr. Johnson: (Going thru the class list in his head.) Kevin?

Kevin: Hey, he got my name right. But, hey, I’m the…

Everyone in the class: QB.

Kevin: (Happily with a stupid grin on his face.) Cool, I’m famous.

Mr. Johnson: Kevin, we’re talking about skills outside of football. (Gets a blank look from Kevin.) Skills needed in society? (Empty skies drift thru Kevin’s head.) What we need to get by in real life?

Kevin: Real life? I love watching that show on television. Drew Carry is so cool. I can’t believe they can come up with all those lines on live television.

Mr. Johnson: (Giving up and turning to Brittany.) Brittany?

Brittany: (Twirling her hair.) I think so…

Mr. Johnson: Brittany, when was the last time you and Kevin did something together as a couple?

Brittany: Well, we did go up to the roof yesterday together but Kevin told me I’m not supposed to let other people know about that special spot we have near the air vent.

Jane: (Disgusted.) Argh!

Daria: (Also disgusted.) We’re never going back up there again, Lane.

AP: (Leaning over to Lynn trying to make her feel better.) Hey Purple Peril. They’ve got their own secret spot together.

Lynn: (Smirking slightly.) Yes, isn’t that cute?

Mr. Johnson: (The smile is going.) No, I meant interacting with one another?

Brittany: EAP!

Kevin: But babe? You always told me that they were for real?

Mr. Johnson: (The smile is losing it.) I meant as a friend?

Kevin: (Lost.) A friend?

Mr. Johnson: Non sexual?

Brittany: Huh?

Jane: Called each other up on the phone just to chat?

Kevin: The phone?

Daria: Went bowling?

Brittany: (Hair twirling.) Ummm…

Jane: Had a dinner together?

Daria: Eating out?

Lynn: (Hangs head.) No, you had to go there…

Daria: (Lost.) What?

Kevin: But I’m the QB. I don’t have to eat out a…

Lynn: (Throwing her hands up.) Please let’s not go there. I would like to get some sleep tonight.

Kevin: But, I’m already going out with Brittany. Why would I want to sleep with someone like you?

AP: (Hanging head but you can tell he’s trying not to chuckle.) No, stop it. Mommy, please make it stop hurting.

Mr. Johnson: (Listening to the class chuckle over Kevin’s confusion.) Let’s get back on track now, class. I’m sure this will become clear to Kevin and Brittany shortly.

Daria: (Smirking and almost singing it.) “Sit on my face and tell me that you love me…” (12)

Lynn: (Holding her head.) The one time you get a Monty Python song quote right, it has to be today.

Mr. Johnson: (Getting this in before any more interruptions occur.) For the next 7 days, you will be paired up with another member of this class and “married” to them.

Major shock settles over the class.

Daria: Excuse me?

Lynn: Married?

Jodie: I don’t think out parents would approve of something like this assignment.

Mr. Johnson: Actually in your case, Jodie, your mother has requested that you attend this class. Something about you beginning to draw away from society. She was rather worried about you.

Jodie sighs and hangs her head in defeat.

Lynn: Mr. Johnson, may I ask from whom did you obtain permission for me from?

Mr. Johnson: From your mother but I must admit she was hard to track down.

Lynn: Excuse me, sir, but my father is contesting her custody over me and I do believe that you would need permission from both parents in that case. I’m afraid that as much as I look forward to such an (Hiding it quite well.) “interesting and enlightening” class, I must decline. (13)

Jane: (Impressed.) Damn, you’re good.

Lynn: I’ve been told that.

Mr. Johnson: Well why don’t you read for a bit until we can figure this out later today.

Lynn shrugs and pulls out a copy of “25 Ways to Get Out of Anything Your Teachers or Bosses Assign to You.” (14) She sits back and begins reading with a slight smirk.

Jane: Um, excuse me but who gave permission for me? Both my parents are out of town currently.

Mr. Johnson: We talked to a Mr. Lane. (Thinking back.) It took a couple of tries to explain the situation to him. He sounded very sleepy and maybe that was why he didn’t understand.

Jane: Um, that wasn’t my father. That was probably my brother, Trent.

Mr. Johnson: Well, he identified himself as Mr. Lane. I’m sorry but we have to go with what he told us.

Jane: (Pounds fist into her desk.) Damnit.

Jane sits back in annoyance. Lynn passes over her book to her.

Lynn: It might help for next time.

Jane takes the book and starts skimming it. Lynn pulls out a copy of “25 Ways to Support your Friends.” and starts reading that. (15)

Daria: Well now that we’ve all decided that we belong here, how are we going to decide on pairings?

Mr. Johnson: Some have already been done at the request of the parents. The rest (shrugs) will be done out of a hat. (He picks up a hat that was on the teacher’s desk.) I’ve already placed all the female student’s names on pieces of paper in the hat. I’ll pass it around and each boy will pick 1 slip out of the hat. For the next week, that person will be your partner.

Mr. Johnson passes the hat to Ted who reaches in pulls out a slip.

Ted: (Reading the slip.) Jodie.

Mack: Damn.

Mack gets to pick next and reaches in.

Mack: (Also reading.) Quinn.

Jodie: Damn.

Mack and Jodie don’t look too happy.

Mr. Johnson walks off to the rest of the class during the following lines.

Lynn: (Still reading but paying attention.) You know, in earlier days, it was common to trade a wife off for something that was needed like a horse or a new wagon.

Quinn: Hey! I think I’m a little better than a horse.

Daria: Better check her teeth.

Jane: (Thinking.) Where and when did that happen?

Lynn: (Under her breath.) Nowhere. Just trying to help fix a bad situation. (She holds up the book that she was reading to show Jane the title.)

Mack and Ted look at one another and shrug. They exchange slips.

Daria: I would have held out for a better deal myself.

Mr. Johnson walks up to AP’s desk.

Mr. Johnson: Well AP. You’re the last one who has to choose. (AP begins to reach into the hat with a sigh.) All that is left is Daria and Jane.

AP: (His face getting pale and turning to Daria and Jane.) Ummm…

Jane: Let’s see now. He gets to choose from his ex-girlfriend or…

Daria: (With a smirk.) Or the best friend of the ex-girlfriend. (Beat) Tough choice.

AP: (The same thought is going thru his mind.) Um, Mr. Johnson. I’m not sure about this.

Mr. Johnson: I’m sorry, AP, but your folks specifically asked that you be placed in this class. I’ll let you choose if that will make it easier.

AP: Umm…

Daria and Jane both look at him.

AP: Not really any easier this way.

Lynn: (Reading.) You know, you two shouldn’t be so hard on him. It’s not like he has a choice on the matter. AP, just choose one. It’s not like they’ll going to bite your head off or anything.

AP: Lynn, I couldn’t interest you in helping…

Lynn: (Still reading.) No, I can’t help you with that.

AP: But, Purple Peril…

Lynn: (Beginning to stare at her book.) Afraid not, Maverick.

AP slides down into this chair. He does not look all that happy.

Daria: Mr. Johnson, I don’t think that this is going to work.

Mr. Johnson:
Hmmm, I think you’re right. (Turning to Lynn.) Lynn, are you sure you’re not interested in helping?

Lynn: I don’t think that that would be a good idea, Mr. Johnson.

Mr. Johnson: It would appear to help AP.

Jane: (Smirking.) And we all know AP certainly needs help.

Lynn looks up from her book at Mr. Johnson, Daria and then at AP who silently plead
s with her. She thinks for a second and then sighs.

Lynn: I guess this is going to be the only way I can get AP out of this…

AP takes a big breath.

AP: Thanks Lynn. I owe you.

Lynn: (Going back to her reading.) Don’t you know it.

Daria: I wonder how we should take that, Lane.

Jane: I seem to have this thing about losing boyfriends to red heads lately.

Daria: Turned down by a techno weasel.

Jane: (Fake sorrow.) My heart is broken.

Mr. Johnson turns back to Daria and Jane.

Mr. Johnson: And that just leaves the two of you.

Daria: Well, I guess we just have to get out of this assignment then.

Jane: I don’t see any males for us. (Beat and then under her breath.) Damn.

Mr. Johnson: Nope, I’m afraid you still have to complete the assignment.

Daria: How?

Mr. Johnson: I guess I’ll just have to pair the two of you up.

Jane: Excuse me?

Mr. Johnson: Same sex marriages are accepted in this day and age.

Daria: Mr. Johnson, people in this school already talk enough about us. I would hate to let them have any more ammunition to use in the rumor mill.

Mr. Johnson: Oh, it won’t be that bad. Plus I hear you two are best friends. No one will see it any differently. (He walks back to the front of the class.)

Daria: (To Jane.) I guess we don’t get a say in the matter.

Jane: Doesn’t look like it.

Mr. Johnson: (To the class.) Now class. I want you to each take one of these sets of papers. They contain the rules and instructions for the next week. Please take them home and study them with your parents. (He starts to hand them out to the class.)

Daria: So I guess I get to take you home to meet the folks.

Jane: (Smirking.) Sounds great, honey.

Daria: I hate you.

Commercial Break: (Yes, I’m doing some commercials. Neat, huh?)

The scene opens to a typical television talk show studio. A young female who looks a lot like Daria is standing in front of the stage. We can hear the studio audience clapping in the background. The clapping dies down as the young woman begins.

The Young Woman: Being a cynic. What does it mean? To some it means being able to put down anyone anytime. To others it’s an excuse to ignore anything that they don’t like about society. Still others think it’s about something more. I’m Janeane Garofalo and on my new talk show, we’ll be looking into how the common cynic deals with life. Daria allows us to come out of the dark and cynical closet and say, “Yes, damnit, I’m a cynic and proud of it.” But are all cynics Darias? Be sure to watch my new show, “I AM (Not) Daria” on this very channel. (16)

Int. View: Pizza King. Daria and Jane are sitting on one side, Jane on the outside, with Lynn and AP on the other side of the table, AP on the outside. Daria, Jane, and AP look downcast while Lynn looks out right pissed.

AP: Well, it could have been worse?

Jane: How?

AP: One of us could have been hooked up with Kevin?

The group shudders as one.

Daria: Artie.

Another shudder goes thru the group.

Jane: The teacher, Mr. Johnson.

The group shudders again.

Lynn: Upchuck.

They think of that for a second and then big shudders goes thru the group.

Jane: Where was he anyway? I would think this would be the one class he would be dying to get into.

Daria: (Shrugging.) Who knows?

Brittany and Kevin walk into Pizza King.

AP: Oh, I see brain dead people. (17)

Lynn: You and your movie lines.

Jane: I never thought I would see them get hooked up without a shotgun being involved.

Kevin: Hey! Hey! It’s the newlyweds!

Brittany: (Bubbling.) We sure are, Kevin.

Kevin and Brittany walk up to the booth.

Kevin: Hey! Hey! It’s the other newlyweds!

Brittany: They don’t look too happy, Kevie.

Daria: This is going to be a week in hell.

Brittany looks at the group sitting in the booth and looks thoughtful.

Brittany: Kevie, why don’t you get us some dinner and I’ll meet you at our booth.

Kevin: OK, babe.

They kiss and he walks off. Our group watches Kevin walk off and then turn to Brittany.

Brittany: So what’s really wrong with you four?

Daria: This is going to be a week in hell.

Brittany: I don’t see what the problem is.

Lynn: The idea of getting married at such a young age and having to spend a week together with them is not one of my favorite things to do, Brittany.

Brittany: I still don’t see what the problem is. You four are all best friends, always hang out together, and stuff. It’s not like you’re stranger or something.

Our four look at each other as what she just said as it begins to sink in. They begin to look a tad better. Well Lynn still doesn’t look too happy.

Daria: Why, thank you, Brittany. That actually made sense.

Brittany: (Twirling her hair.) It did?

Kevin: (OF) Babe, the pizza’s ready!

Brittany: Cool. C’ya. (Brittany walks off.)

Quinn and Ted walk into Pizza King holding hands and head towards a booth.

AP: Oh, look at the happy couple.

Daria and Jane look at the couple and then at each other.

Jane: You know we are married…

Daria: In your dreams, Lane.

Jane: Well, how about a dance number?

AP: So how do we deal with this?

Lynn: (Looking annoyed.) We do a little as possible. That’s my vote.

AP: (Smirking.) But honey…

Lynn: (Looking at her soda cup.) Jane, would you be so kind to do the honors?

AP: Huh?

Jane: Sure.

Jane gets up and grabs AP by the collar.

AP: Hey wait a minute, Jane. What are you doing?…

With a bit more trouble than Lynn had, Jane hoists AP over her shoulder and carries him out the door, barely missing the tables and chairs within Pizza King.

AP: (As they go out the door with customers watching them.) Jane, you don’t have to do this…

Even with that happening, Lynn is still staring at her soda cup. Daria looks on with concern.

Daria: Are you ok or is something still troubling you?

Lynn: (Not looking up.) I just don’t like the situation.

Daria: It’s like Brittany said. We are all friends, we already hang out together a lot. There’s not much different.

Lynn looks at Daria over her soda cup.

Daria: Of course I could be mistaken.

Lynn: With all that has happened recently and with you and his recent break up, I just don’t think this is a good idea for either one of us.

We hear the sound of a metal boot banging against something metal outside. People are beginning to stand up and look thru the picture window. Lynn and Daria ignore what is happening outside and continue their conversation.

Lynn: (Softly.) But that’s not what worries me.

Some loud, mumbled cursing along with some pleading is now heard from outside along with the boot kicks.

Daria: What’s the problem then?

Lynn lowers her eyes to her soda cup and sits there. Daria looks at her with something like concern on her face. After a few seconds, she sighs and lays a hand on Lynn’s forearm. Lynn looks at Daria’s hand resting there.

Daria: (Very softly like she’s not used to doing this.) I’m also your sister. Please tell me what’s wrong.

Lynn raises her head to Daria and is about ready to tell when Jane comes back thru the door still carrying AP. She stops when she sees what is happening at the booth. Lynn and Daria pull back quickly and look anywhere but at Jane.

AP: (Who’s pointed in the other direction and hasn’t seen what is happening.) OK, Jane. You can put
me down now.

Lynn: You still have him. What happened?

Jane: The damn thing was locked up tight. Where do you want him?

Daria: I’m sure there are a few trash bins around here you can dumb him into.

Lynn: Oh, just put him down. I’m sure he learned his lesson.

Jane puts AP down as easily as she can. They both sit back down at the booth. The crowd breaks apart since AP isn’t going into the trash.

AP: I do have a thing against trash and smelling like it.

Daria: You know I might have an idea that would make this assignment a bit more pleasant. It would probably be easier on all of us if we just agreed to stay at one place for the next week.

Lynn: (Looking a bit better.) Agreed but my house is still not livable.

Jane: But I’m working on fixing it up.

Lynn: (Smirking slightly.) Yea, I know. You might be finished with it someday too.

Jane: Hey, I’m an artist. Good art takes time. Mom’s home for the week and she’s trying out some strange clay that gives off weird fumes.

AP: I can’t have everyone over at my house either. I’m still wondering about why my parents placed me in this class. Plus I don’t think we would have the room.

All three look at Daria. She sighs.

Daria: I guess we can have it over at the Morgandorffer’s. (Beat.) I wonder where Quinn and Ted are staying.

At that, the four look at each other, realize that they will have to put up with Quinn for the week and then look down at their pizza.

Ext. View: The Morgandorffer Ranch

Daria and Jane stand on the sidewalk. A suitcase, Jane’s easel, and a couple of bags of paints and stuff sit beside her.

Daria: I think your Mom took that quite well.

Jane: She got me out of the house for the week so she could concentrate on her work. I think she’s looking on this as a blessing.

Daria: What was that smell coming out of your basement?

Jane: Probably that new clay she’s been using. Why do you think I’m not fighting this assignment? I can get out of the house away from that stuff. (Beat.) So how are we going to explain this to your folks?

Daria: Hey, You wear the pants in this relationship. You come up with something.

Jane: (Looking down.) Shorts and tights actually.

Daria: Better than a skirt.

Jane: I don’t see what the problem will be though. They’re expecting you to have a partner, aren’t they?

Daria: I’m assuming that they are but I don’t think they are expecting you though.

Jane: This will get them back for putting you thru this.

Daria: True, but how can we drag this out?

Quinn and Ted walk up to the house at this time.

Daria: I’ve got an idea.

Int. View: Morgandorffer’s Living room. Jake is sitting on the couch reading the paper and having a drink. Helen is sitting on the other couch working with her laptop and talking on the phone.

Helen: I’m sure Eric that your assistants can handle things this weekend without me. (Beat.) I have to help the girls with a class assignment. (Beat.) I’m sorry Eric but the girls come first. (Beat.) Alright, second. (Beat.) Maybe third but no lower than that. If the work isn’t done by Monday, I’ll stay late and help them get it done. (Beat.) Fine, I’ll see you Monday.

Helen puts down the phone as Quinn and Daria walk thru the front door together.

Daria: (Quietly to Quinn.) You sure you understood everything we talked about, right?

Quinn: Yea, yea. Let’s just get on with it. I have a date with Ted this evening and I have to get ready for it.

Daria: Quinn, for the next week, they’re not dates, you’re married to him.

Quinn: Whatever.

Helen notices her daughters have walked into the room.

Helen: Hello girls. How was school today? (She notices that Jake isn’t paying any attention. She reaches over and swats him one.) Jake, look. The girls are home from school. I’m sure they have something they want to tell us about their day.

Jake: (Putting down the paper.) Oh sure, honey. Hi girls.

Daria: (Looking very solemn.) Mom? Dad? There’s something we have to talk to you about.

Helen: I’m sure you do. (She notices that Jake has picked up his paper again.) Jake, pay attention.

Jake: (Putting down the paper again.) Sure honey. (Beat.) What were we talking about again?

Helen: That special assignment the girls have for school that I told you about.

Jake: Oh, yea.

Helen: (Smiling.) Quinn, dear. Why don’t you go first?

Quinn: (Stepping up a bit.) Mom? Dad? I’ve met someone really special to me. I care for him a great deal and I (A little worried here.) have married him.

Jake: MARRIED!?!?! No daughter of mine is going to get married at such a young age. You probably married that cult kid behind my back, didn’t you?

Quinn: It’s just a school assignment, Dad.

Jake: A school assignment? What will they teaching at that school next? How to cook French pastries?

Helen: Jake, dear, it’s only pretend for a week.

Jake: (Calming down.) Oh, ok.

Quinn: I hope you can care for him as much as I care for him. (She reaches out to the front door.) This is Ted.

Quinn reaches the rest of the way and pulls Ted into the house. Helen recognizes him but Jake is clueless.

Jake: (Thinking out loud.) Ted? Why does that name sound familiar?

Quinn: Ted’s folks work for EnviroCo. (18)

Jake: (Brighting up.) Really?

Daria: Isn’t that that company, Dad, that you have been trying to get a foot in the door with for a couple of months?

Jake: (Brighting up.) Hey yea, it is. (He puts a hand out.) Put it there, son. (Ted reaches out his hand slowly. Jake grabs a hold and pumps hard.) So you’re married to my little Quinn for the next week. Do you like the Pigskin Channel? Let me tell you what I can do for your parent’s company, Ted.

They walk off into the Living room proper with Quinn following. Helen looks at Daria.

Helen: So how was your day, dear?

Daria: You put me up to this class, didn’t you?

Helen: I thought it might do you some good. I just think that maybe your people skills could use some work. That’s all.

A look of anger passes across Daria’s face but it goes quickly. Jake walks back to the group.

Jake: Kiddo, Quinn tells me that you got paired up with someone also.

Helen: Yes, dear. Who is your partner?

Daria: (Completely deadpan.) Mom? Dad? As you know the school tried to pair me up with someone. I know how picky you would be with the idea of a partner for me so I tried to do you proud. The first pick I defeated in mortal combat easily. The second pairing told me that he wanted me to do all the cooking for him. I didn’t like that idea much and I showed him how I felt about it. The third one fled into the night after witnessing the remains of the first two.

Jake: EEW!

Helen: Now sweetie…

Daria: (Continuing.) So I went down to the old cloning lab underneath the high school and created my own mate. Mom? Dad? Meet my new partner.

Daria reaches out thru the front door and pulls a teary eyed Jane thru it. Helen and Jake looked shocked. Jane starts to ham this up.

Jane: Mom! (Gives Helen a great big hug.) Dad! (Gives Jake a big hug also.)

Jake: (Shocked.) G’ah!

Helen: (Recovering a bit.) What the hell is that school trying to teach its students?

Int. View: the Morgandorffer’s Kitchen. Helen, Jake, and Quinn sit at the table, Ted is sitting on a stool behind Quinn while Jane stands behind the empty chair at the table. Daria, carrying a tray of coffee mugs, approaches the table and starts passing out the mugs. Jane declines her mug with a headshake. Daria’s eyebrows rise up but she sits down at the table.

Helen: Let me get this straight. This Mr. Johnson paired the two of you up because there was a shortage of males in the class.

Jane: (Smirking.) Yes, mom.

Daria: (Looking at her.) You’re not helping, Lane.

Helen: No way to get out of it?

Daria: Only if you pull us out of the class. (Beat.) You could still do that.

Helen: (Quick shake of her head.) No, I want you to take that class. It will do you some good I think.

Daria: (Under her breath.) Well, I tried.

Helen: Plus you would like AP and Lynn to stay over here for the week also, right?

Daria: That would be a good idea.

Jane: You’ve seen how Lynn’s house loo
ks like right now. (Helen shudders.)

Daria: And AP doesn’t think much of his folks right now either.

Helen: (Thinking.) Six high schoolers for a week…

Jane: We’re small.

Ted: Plus we can help out around the house. That’s part of the assignment.

Jake: It would be nice to have some help around the house. Plus Ted and I could get to talk about his parents’ business.

Daria: (Under her breath.) Well, that’s one down.

Helen: Well I guess we could try it and see what happens. (Getting official.) But there will be no hanky panky this week. Do I make myself clear?

Jane: Damnit.

Everyone looks at Jane.

Jane: What?

Helen: Quinn, did you hear me?

Quinn: Oh, that’s ok. We won’t be here that much. Ted and I have a date tonight anyway.

Helen: I don’t think so, young lady.

Quinn: But M-om?!?!

Helen: For the next week, Jake and I want to be able to keep an eye on the two of you. We don’t want you two to get too involved with this project.

Jane: No lab research?

They all look at Jane again who smirks.

Jake: (Thinking.) I remember a lab project that I did with you.

Helen: Jake, this isn’t the time.

A knock is heard on the door. Daria gets up to answer it. AP and Lynn stand there with their suitcases.

Daria: (Smirking.) Oh look. It’s the happy couple.

Lynn: Die Morgandorffer.

Helen: (Off screen.) Jake, where did you put the camera? I’m sure they want a picture of the happy couple.

Jake: (Off screen.) I’ll get it.

Lynn looks like she’s getting madder.

Helen: (Still off stage.) Make sure he carries her over the threshold.

Lynn turns around and is about ready to bolt before both AP and Daria grab her from behind.

Lynn: I knew this wasn’t a good idea.

AP: It’s won’t be that bad.

Daria: (Calling out.) Mom, I don’t think that that would be a good idea.

Helen: Oh. Never mind, Jake.

Daria: Please (Grabs Lynn’s suitcase.) come in.

AP picks up his suitcase, walks in and stops in the Livingroom with Daria beside him. After a second they notice that Lynn hasn’t followed them in. AP and Daria return to the front door and basically drag an unwilling Lynn thru the door.

Commercial Break #2: (2 of these in one fan fic from me. How strange?)

The scene slowly lights up to see a female hand holding a pic resting on the strings of a lead electric guitar. After a beat, the hand starts strumming the strings with the unseen band behind her starting also. We hear Lynn Cullen with Mystic Spiral singing the Guns N Roses song, “Welcome to the Jungle.” The scene changes to show the following with the music continuing in the background: (19)

*Jake taking a picture of Daria, Lynn, Jane and Quinn standing in front of a pile of boxes and other supplies.

*An over the top view of a large, green jungle. An old World War 2 type bomber appears under the camera heading away from the viewer. A large amount of smoke is coming from one of the engines and it appears the plane is having problems.

*Daria and Jane standing in front of a stone statue of a naked jungle female with big garbanzos. They appear to be standing in some type of underground tomb. After a beat, a disgusted looking Lynn reaches out to the other 2, grabs a hand from each and places them on the statue’s front. (20)

*Lynn trying to use a cell phone. It appears that it doesn’t work as she throws it against a tree and it shatters. Vincent Lane, who is standing behind her, doesn’t look too happy about what Lynn just did.

*Daria, Jane, Lynn, Quinn, and Vincent Lane standing in a row staring open mouthed at something off screen above the camera. After a second, they all pull back and stare at Daria in shock.

*Daria, Jane, Lynn, and Quinn taking big bites out of some type of meat that has been cooked on a stick. Vincent Lane walks into view with the cooked head of a snake also on a stick. Daria, Lynn and Quinn turn quickly as they try to throw up the snake meat they have just eaten. Jane looks at the snake meat she has with renewed interest and takes another bite. (21)

*A view of Lynn and Mystic Spiral rocking on a stage with this song. (Gotta promote the band somehow, right?)

*All five standing in a hut trying to wake someone up who is lying on the ground. After a second, someone who looks like Trent pops up dressed in jungle clothing and looks at them completely lost. (22)

*Lynn walking thru the jungle looking really, really disgusted. After her appears a line of young jungle people. They all have something purple on as clothing.

*Quinn sitting on a log in front of a roaring campfire. She looks like she has been crying and Daria is sitting besides her holding her hand trying to be supportive. Lynn, Jane, and Vincent Lane are all standing around Quinn yelling at her.

The song ends with us viewing the hand on the guitar again. As we fade out, we see the Canadibrit Title screen with Daria and Lynn’s heads in 2 connected circles. The circles pull back and we see in Daria script: “Daria in the Jungle. Coming soon”

Ext. View: Super Saver Supermarket. Some big, damn supermarket that’s got to be in Lawndale somewhere. Daria and Jane get out of Helen’s SUV.

Daria: (Stretching.) Grocery shopping on a Saturday morning. Great way to spend it.

Jane: I enjoy grocery shopping. (Beat.) Just not this early. What time is it anyway?

Daria: 9ish.

Jane: (Yawn.) I should still be in bed. (She leans back against the SUV.) Daria, can you go get me a cart so I have something to lean against? Maybe I can stay awake that way.

Daria: For someone who says she likes grocery shopping, you don’t seem to be very excited about it.

Jane: I’m a visual artist. I like the cans and boxes and stuff. (23)

Daria: Andy Warhol is alive and well here in Lawndale. (Beat.) So what’s on the list?

Jane: (Digging it out of her pocket.) Number 1. Fix Lynn up with AP. (24)

Daria: Excuse me?

Jane: (Thinking.) Damn, wrong list. (She goes to shove it back in her pocket.)

Daria: Lane, I hope you’re not planning on playing Yenta this week with those two.

Jane: Um, I think they make a cute couple.

Daria: Jane, Lynn’s not up to it. (Beat.) Even if they did like each other.

Jane: (Remembering what Lynn has told her.) Ummm…

Daria: (Looking right at Jane.) Jane, give them time. Something’s up with Lynn anyway.

Jane: (Shrugging.) I guess. (Pulls out another list.) Aspirin.

Daria: I wonder why.

Jane: Looks like your mother’s handwriting.

Daria: She must not be looking forward to this week. (Beat.) Either that or the idea of having to spend a week with Quinn.

Jane: (Beginning to walk to the supermarket still reading.) Spaghetti stuff.

Daria: (Following Jane.) That’s kind of an easy dinner.

Jane: That’s because Ted and Quinn are cooking tonight.

Daria: Quinn’s cooking dinner?

Jane: Yes. Therefore she gets something easy. We’re tomorrow night by the way. We were talking about it while you were in the shower.

They walk for a bit.

Jane: Did Lynn ever get any sleep last night?

Daria: I doubt much. She seemed to toss and turn most of the night.

Jane: So what are we going to do today while we wait until dinner?

Daria: Take bets on how it comes out?

Jane: Oh, it should be fine. Ted will be there to help. (Beat. Remembering something.) Damnit.

Daria: What?

Jane: I forgot about getting us Halloween costumes.

Daria: You’re not going to let up on that, are you?

Jane: Nope.

Daria: (Sighing.) Well I guess we’ve got time
and it is for a worthy cause. Let’s go.

Int. View: A changing room with 2 doors. A large amount of clothes are draped across every surface. We see boots under each door. The doors first open to show Jane dressed as Daria and Daria dressed as Jane. (25)

Daria: I can’t believe they had something this tacky for rent.

Jane: (Looking at her get up.) I don’t think it’s that bad.

Daria: Jane, we can do better.

The scene changes again to show the 2 doors. Jane comes out dressed in a pair of tight shorts and a button down top without any sleeves with the ends tied. (Think Dukes of Hazard.) (26)

Jane: (Looking at Daria’s get up.) What do you think, partner?

Daria: (Still behind her door.) I’m not coming out, Lane.

Jane: (Peeking over the door at Daria.) Oh, you look fine.

Daria: Jane, this isn’t me.

Jane: Oh, come on out and have a look in the mirror.

Daria: No.

Jane: (Opening the door herself and dragging Daria out of there.) Come here.

Daria: (Almost fighting her.) Jane, I don’t want to go out there.

Jane finally gets Daria out into the main dressing area. We see that she is dressed in the same style as Jane. She does not look comfortable at all.

Jane: Oh, you look fine.

Daria: Go to hell, Lane.

Daria walks back into the dressing room and starts changing. Jane just shrugs and walks back into her own dressing room.

The scene changes again to show the two doors. Daria walks out with a Metallica t-shirt and shorts, Jane is wearing an AC/DC t-shirt with shorts. The come forward a bit and stand side by side. They look at their shirts and each other. (27)

Daria: I feel like we’re getting dumber already.

Jane: Heh.

Daria: Heh heh.

Jane: Uh, heh heh heh.

Daria: Cool.

Jane: Heh, cool.

Daria: Heh, this sucks.

Jane: Heh, you said sucks.

Daria: Heh, who writes this crap, anyway?

Jane: Heh, you said crap. Heh heh.

Daria: (Sending a hand Jane’s way.) Knock it off, butt munch.

Jane: (Coming to her senses finally.) Man, what just happened? It felt like that dream you told me about when Kevin got murdered.

Daria: This sucks. (Beat.) Wanna go watch some television or something?

Jane: Cool, maybe there are some music videos on or something.

Daria: Cool.

They walk off together.

The scene changes again to show the dressing room mirror. After a second, Jane walks into view. We see her from the shoulders up. She’s wearing some blue t-shirt instead of what she normally wears. (28)

Jane: (Smirking.) I have to hand it to you, you do know how to pick out a Halloween costume.

Daria: (Coming into view also smirking and wearing the same color t-shirt.) Well, if I listened to you, I wouldn’t know what we would be going as.

Jane: (Looking at Daria in the mirror.) You don’t want to wear these around school before Halloween, do we?

Daria: Don’t tempt me.

Jane: (Placing a blue hat on her head. We can’t see the front of that either.) Think of the reaction we would get out of the teachers.

Daria: Nah, we would only cause a bunch of heart attacks. We’ve had enough of a change over at school lately.

Both Jane and Daria walk out of the shot with Daria putting on her hat as they go.

Int. View: The Morgandorffer’s Living Room. The room is currently empty. After a second the front door opens and in walks Daria, Jane, Quinn, and Ted. They all collapse over the couches. They look tired.

Ted: Some days I just hate public school.

Jane: What did they do to the teachers?

Daria: I have homework.

Jane: What’s so different about that?

Daria: I never have homework. I always get it done during school.

Quinn: (Stressing.) I’m going to get wrinkles from all this stress.

Ted: (Sitting upright on the couch.) Sit down beside me, Quinn. I can take care of those wrinkles for you.

Quinn stands up and sits down beside Ted. Ted picks up her feet and removes her shoes. Ted places Quinn’s feet on his lap and starts to massage them.

Quinn: (Looking surprised.) What are you doing, Ted? (Ted starts. Needless to say, Quinn probably has never had a foot massage and she reacts in a very positive manner.) Oh god! What are you doing? (Quinn’s head goes back and she just lies there enjoying herself with her eyes closed. Ted just continues to massage Quinn’s feet. Jane and Daria just look on.) (29)

Daria: (Slightly awed.) Damn.

Jane: He’s good.

Daria: I think that that’s the first time I’ve ever seen someone leave her speechless.

Quinn starts softly moaning in enjoyment. Ted smiles.

Ted: My folks taught me how to give these.

Jane: (To Daria.) So, where’s my foot massage?

Daria: Excuse me?

Jane removes her boots quickly and places them on Daria’s lap.

Daria: What the hell are these, Lane?

Jane: They are my tired footies. They need some loving, too. (Beat.) Come on. Give them a rub.

Daria: Go to hell, Lane.

Jake walks in from the kitchen and sees what is happening. Of course he flips out.

Jake: What the hell is going on here!?!

Ted gets worried and starts to get up but Quinn stops him.

Quinn: Please, Dad. Don’t make him stop. It feels so good.

Jake takes a better look at what is happening and a smile goes across his face.

Jake: A foot massage? I remember giving those to your mother. She always enjoyed them. They would relax her and make her happy. (Beat.) I haven’t giving her one in quite a while now. Maybe it would do her some good.

After a second of thinking, Jake races up stairs. The four just watch him go. Quinn lies back down on the couch.

Quinn: Please, Ted. Don’t stop. That feels so good.

Helen steps thru the front door laden down with briefcases and a laptop. She looks like she’s had a hard day also. She comes around to the front of the couches and starts dropping stuff all around her. She notices Ted giving Quinn her foot massage and starts to stare like the mother she is.

Daria: Hi mom.

Jane: Hi Mrs. Morgandorffer. We’ll start dinner shortly.

Helen: That’s fine. (Looking at Quinn.) Are you comfortable, Quinn?

Quinn just makes a small, happy noise as she lies there.

Helen: Where’s Jake? He should be home by now. (Beat and then under her breath.) Not that he would care right now.

As she says that, Jake comes down the stairs. He’s got a big smile on his face.

Jake: (He goes up to Helen and gives her a hug.) Hi honey.

Helen: (Surprised.) Um, hi Jake. This is a surprise.

Jake: I just feel like doing something special for the love of my life. It’s been a while since we’ve done anything together.

Jake actually picks up Helen and carries her in his arms.

Helen: Jake, wait a minute.

Jake: I ran you a bubble bath and then after wards I’m going to give you a nice long back rub. Sounds great, right?

Jake begins to carry Helen up the stairs but remembers that everyone is still here.

Jake: Um, kids. Why don’t you take some money out of Mom’s wallet and take yourselves all out to dinner tonight (Beat as he turns back to the stairs.) on us.

Jake carries Helen up stairs and that’s the last we see of them. The four just sit there and look at each other. Well, three. Quinn’s still in heaven.

Daria: Dinner?

Jane: Well if it’s free.

Ted: Maybe Quinn and I can get some time alone. We haven’t had much time together recently. (To Quinn.) Put your shoes back on, dear. We’re going out for dinner.

Quinn: (Completely relaxed.) Do I have to?

Daria: (Looking over Quinn.) If you want to stay behind, we’ll leave you alone with Mom and Dad together.

Quinn: (Getting up and putting her shoes on.) That’s ok.

As Quinn is getting her shoes on, Jane opens the front door to let everyone out. AP and Lynn are standing there.

Lynn: Sneaking out?

Jane: The Morngandorffers’ are sending us out of the house for dinner.

AP: Why?

Daria: (Grabbing money out of Helen’s wallet.) So they can have the house to themselves.

AP: Dinner’s on the Lawyer Mom and Psycho Dad tonight. (30)

Lynn: Lawyer Mom and Psycho Dad? You can do better then that, AP.

AP: (Shrugs.) I haven’t spent enough time around them yet.

Everyone leaves. After a second we hear a big splash of water and some happy sounds out of the upstairs bathroom.

Int. View: Some basement with a washer and dryer. Just so you know, it’s the Morgandorffer’s basement. The light comes on and we see Lynn come down the stairs. AP is behind her with a big load of laundry in a basket.

Lynn: (Mildly annoyed.) We’re doing the laundry.

AP: Oh, come on, Purple peril. It’s not that bad. It’s for the assignment.

Lynn sighs as she goes over to the two machines and opens up the washer. It’s empty. AP follows her and places the basket on the floor between the two machines. Lynn reaches down and starts picking up one piece of clothing at a time and placing it in the washer. This is happening while the next few lines are spoken.

Lynn: (One of Daria’s black skirts goes into the washer.) AP, I just don’t like this assignment.

AP: (Lynn drops one of her black skirts goes in.) Purple peril, it’s not that bad.

Lynn: (One pair of Jane’s shorts goes in next.) You have no idea, AP.

AP: (Reaching into the basket.) Um, Lynn, I thought we were just doing colored clothes?

Lynn: (Holding up a purple t-shirt.) We are. Why?

AP comes up with a black, lace bra out of the basket and holds it up.)

AP: (With a smirk.) I wonder who’s this is?

Lynn: (Getting a tad red.) Um, must be Jane’s. Give it to me and I’ll give it back to her.

AP gives the bra to Lynn and bends over again to the basket. While AP is not looking, she chucks the bra into the washer to get rid of it.

Int. View: Some sort of semi fancy restaurant. With Helen at one end, we see Jane and Daria, Ted and Quinn, and AP and Lynn sitting at the table with Jake at the other end. The candles are lit, there are real breadsticks on the table which AP and Jane are munching on, a salad sits in front of each person and some are munching on them, etc. It’s a nice restaurant.

Helen: (Kind of glowing.) Well it’s just that we never do anything much with the girl’s friends, and you’ve all been such a help around the house, Jake and I just decided to treat you all out for a nice dinner since the assignment is almost over.

Lynn: The house is still standing.

AP: The windows are intact.

Jane: The mailman is still delivering your mail to you. (Beat and then under her breath.) Unlike ours. (31)

Daria: We’re all still alive.

Quinn: I feel so relaxed.

Ted: I enjoyed myself.

Jake: (Happily.) It was fun, wasn’t it? We have to do it again sometime soon.

Everyone looks at Jake but no one says anything to him.

Helen: I just want to say that I’m happy everyone got along so well for the past week.

AP: So what is everyone going to do once the week is up?

Daria: Get away from Jane’s snoring.

Jane: Get away from Daria leaving books all over the place.

Quinn: Go on a real date with Ted.

Lynn: Catch up on all the email that must be waiting for me.

AP: Watch something besides the pigskin channel.

Ted: Help my folks take in the corn harvest. (32)

Jake: (Realizing what Ted has just said.) The corn harvest?

Quinn: Um, Ted. Maybe that isn’t a very good topic right about now.

Ted: Um, why not, Quinn?

Jake: (Coming to his feet very annoyed.) The corn harvest?

Quinn: (Worried.) Oh, crap.

Jane: (Minor shock.) “Oh, crap?” Quinn, you can do better then that.

Jake: (Gone past annoyed.) You’re that cult kid I warned my girls to stay away from!

Daria: Dad, he’s not in a cult.

Helen: Jake, sit down. We’ll talk about this later.

Quinn: Dad-dy, you’re embarrassing me.

Jake: (Beginning to make a move on Ted.) What have you done to my little girls?

Ted: (Beginning to retreat.) But Mr. Morgandorffer, I haven’t…

Jake: You’ve brain washed them, haven’t you?

Quinn: Dad-dy?!?!

Daria steps into the path of Jake. She looks a tad annoyed.

Daria: Dad, calm down.

Jake: But he’s that boy who’s in a cult.

Daria: Dad, he’s not in a cult. How many times do we need to tell you that?

Jake: (Taken back to hear Daria talk to him like that.) Hey, now wait a minute…

Daria: For the last week, you watched Ted take care of Quinn and care for her. You seemed to be very happy about that, weren’t you?

Jake: Well, sure. But I don’t want some crazy kid teaching my kid…

Daria: Dad, can’t you see that for the first time Quinn is actually happy with a single guy? Look at them.

Jake turns to Quinn and Ted who are standing together holding hands. Quinn looks upset while Ted is just trying to understand what is going on here.

Jake: But…

Daria: You’ve seen him give her a foot massage, help her with her homework and make dinner together. I think he’s done pretty well this past week.

Jake: But…

Daria: What more do you want out of a boyfriend for Quinn?

Jake: Now, wait a minute. I don’t want someone filling one of my girls with strange ideas.

Daria: Like how to care for others? When was the last time you saw Quinn actually put some feeling in one of her relationships?

Helen: Now sweetie, I’m sure Quinn isn’t that bad.

Daria: She used to go thru guys like they were toilet paper.

Quinn: Hey.

Ted: It is true, Quinn.

Daria: Maybe Dad if you just looked at Ted for what he is really like, you might like him instead of thinking about his beliefs.

Jake stands there for a minute trying to decide what to say. Instead he just turns and walks out of the restaurant.

Daria: (Turning to Quinn and Ted.) I hope that was worth it for you two.

Jane: (Coming up to Daria.) You ok?

Daria: Yea. That was not a fun thing to do.

Quinn: (A tad amazed that Daria stood up for her and Ted.) But why did you do defend Ted and me? Especially after what I did to you earlier.

Daria: (She stands there for a second looking at Quinn.) Maybe I’m just impressed with how much you have changed and grown recently.

Int. View: The Morgandorffer’s Living room again. There is Halloween stuff up around the room, candy in a bowl on the table, etc. The door bell rings. Daria comes down the stairs. She’s dressed in her normal skirt and that blue t-shirt and hat we saw a few scenes back. She opens the door. We see three kids wearing pirate costumes in front of some parent dressed normally.

The kids: (With a typical Halloween sugar high scream.) Trick or Treat?!?

The parent takes one look at Daria’s shirt, gets very white, and bolts screaming into the night. The kids look after their parent confused.

Daria: (With a smirk while giving the kids some candy.) You’ll understand it in a few years.

The kids go off while Daria closes the door. Helen comes down the stairs.

Helen: I still can’t believe you and Jane are going to go out dressed like that.

Daria: (Smirking.) Can you think of a more scarier costume, Mom?

Helen: (Turning white also.) No, not really.

Helen goes off into the kitchen while Daria walks into the Living room. We still are unable to she what is on the t-shirt. Jake walks in. Daria turns towards him.

Jake: (Shocked.) What the hell are you wearing?

Daria: (Looking down.) Um, my Hallow
een costume.

Jake is still shocked and walks over to sit down on the couch. The door bell rings again. Daria answers it and a small bunch of costumed kids walk thru with Jane riding herd on them. Jane is wearing her black shorts and tights with her blue t-shirt and hat also but we can’t see the front either.

Jane: Yo.

Daria: About time you showed up.

Jane: Had a few late shows. (Looking at Jake in the other room.) He still upset?

Daria: I think so. He hasn’t said much to me recently.

Jane: Well, we’ll be waiting outside when you ready. (To the herd.) Come on kiddies or I’ll use you in my next painting.

One of the Kids: What’s wrong with that?

Jane: (Evil smile at th
e kids.) I said *IN* my next painting. (33)

The kids look at each other and then go running thru the door with Jane following.

Daria thinking for a second and then goes up to Jake.

Daria: Dad?

Jake: (Still a little upset.) Yea, kiddo.

Daria: Wanna come along with us and go trick or treating?

Jake: (A bit happier.) Sure. (Beat.) But I don’t have a costume.

Daria walks into the kitchen and comes back with a paper bag and a pair of scissors. She’s cutting into the bag and drawing something on the front. Once done, she places the bag over Jake’s head.

Daria: Think you can portray Darth Vader for the night?

Jake: (Muffled.) Sure. (Deep breathing.) Give into the dark side of the force.

Daria: Ok, you knob. Let’s get going. (34)

Jake: (As they go out the door.) I’m your father, Luke. (35)

Daria: Yup.

Int. View: Lynn’s room. Still trashed a bit with added sleeping bags, cookie dough wrappers, etc. all over the place. Jane, Lynn and AP are sitting around the room watching television.

Jane: So what are we watching this evening?

Lynn: It’s either my choice, that spin off “Suddenly Amy”. (36)

AP: Or mine, a Back to the Future rip off. (Beat.) I liked it. (37)

Jane: Or both.

Daria: (Coming in with a tray with four mugs of coffee on it.) Your mom still using that clay?

Jane: (Taking a mug.) Yup.

Lynn: (Putting her tape into the VCR while taking a mug also.) Both it is then. Can’t have Jane interrupting her mom’s masterpiece, can we?

AP: (Getting his mug.) So, how are you and Jake doing?

Daria: (Leaving the tray on a table while holding her mug.) I still think he’s upset about Quinn and Ted but I guess he’s going to give it a try. (Beat.) I’m sure he will still call him the “Cult Kid” though. (38)

Daria, AP, and Lynn notice Jane chugging her mug of coffee. She downs it within seconds. With a smirk, Daria and Lynn both pass their mugs to Jane which she downs. Jane gets up and leaves the room.

AP: I don’t have a clue as to what is going on with Jane.

Lynn: (Leaning over.) It’s a girl thing.

AP: (Shaking his head.) As much as I dislike Narcissa, I must admit she does seem to be happy with Ted.

Lynn: It does seem strange, doesn’t it? (Beat and then to Daria and Jane.) So, how did the Trick or Treating go?

Daria: Let’s just say it was more Tricking then Treating.

Jane: (Coming back into the room with the pot of coffee.) What do you expect with this as a costume? (She picks up the blue T-shirt and hat off a chair and holds it up so we can see that they have “IRS Audit Team” written across the front of both.) (39)

Daria: You’re the one who wanted to scare people, Lane.

Jane: Yea, but I also wanted some candy out of this.

Daria, AP and Lynn look at each other and then pull out bags of candy and start pouring them over Jane’s head.

***The End***


Well, here’s number 4. I hope you enjoy it. Not sure of the start date on this one but it was finished on August 26th, 2000. It took about 3 weeks and, yes, it’s longer then my other pieces. And, yes, about 3/4 of the way thru, it got to be a pain. This thing was long! And I may add to it in the future.

My thanks once again to Canadibrit for the use of her characters and you proof reading services beyond the call of duty. She helped me while writing and putting out a total of 4 fics of her own during one week. I’m impressed.

Please feel free to visit my Daria website at http://drmikessteakdinner.com. Feedback can be sent to Dr. Mike.

What the Heck is with Jane and her passing on the coffee? My ex-fiancee had to go a week without drinking any coffee due to an infection. Needless to say, she was not too happy about it and made sure everyone she knew knew how much she missed drinking coffee. Plus I had to live with her for that week. 🙁

Future Plans: Well, I’ve got the idea for 2 fics kicking around in the back of my head. The first one is “Cynic Beach”, a soap opera based on Daria and Canadibrit’s TLAS. The other idea is a Daria is the host of a Saturday Night Live episode where I will be requesting work from other Daria FanFic authors. Not sure about that one yet. Plus I need to work on the “Jungle” series. I also would like to go back and take another look at my three other pieces. My doctor has finally released me to go back to work so I’m not sure on any time tables on these.

Footnotes: (Lots and lots of footnotes.)

1.) Taken from the song “Major Tom (Coming Home)” sung by David Bowie. Anyone remember the rip off “First Cow in Space?” 🙂
2.) A nod to Jon Kilner’s “The Last Days of Solitude.” Darn good read.
3.) An idea that has been mentioned by many Daria Fan Fic authors and their fans, there being a channel devoted to Sick Sad World in Lawndale.
4.) A nod to my own “Third Time’s a Charm.”
5.) A nod again to my own “Third Time’s a Charm.” Jane has a coffee machine in her locker in that one.
6.) Canadibrit made mention once to AP not being able to follow Shakespeare.
7.) My church group actually did this while we were in high school.
8.) Pink Floyd quote from “The Wall.”
9.) Well, it does and Mr. O’Neill teaches the class.
10.) A nod to my own “An Early Morning Reading” where Lynn gets dropped into a dumpster by Jane, Daria, and Trent.
11.) In all the drawings of AP that I have seen, he does seem to be a bit small and skinny. Plus we’ve seen a few times AP get banged on my Lynn.
12.) A Monty Python quote. Maybe Lynn is beginning to rub off on Daria.
13.) Own personal opinion there. I don’t think Canadibrit will touch on this in her universe but I would think if Lynn would let him, Jerome would give some attempt to get her back after Kate takes off during “Growing Cynical.” Of course Lynn appears to be able to take care of herself…
14.) Title made up.
15.) Ditto.
16.) I think it’s a perfect title for a television show by Janeane “People call me Daria on the street” Garofalo.
17.) A nod to the movie “The Sixth Sense.”
18.) EnviroCo made up for this fic. I see it as an environmental friendly company, of course. I don’t remember seeing anywhere in the show or in fic where Ted’s folks work.
19.) Canadibrit asked me to comment on Lynn’s playing guitar here. I realize that she no longer plays for Mystic Spiral, she just manages it and sings on occasion. She’s just playing here for the promo. Please don’t take it in any other way. (What can I say, I like female guitar players.)
20.) Think “Indiana Jones” movies. I forget which one I ripped this off from.
21.) Jane and her family are artists. I would think they would have an open mind and for her to like snake meat instead of gagging on the idea.
22.) A nod to my fic “An Early Morning Reading.”
23.) I forget the fanfic author who mentioned this in their fic. A nod to it. Hopefully someone will clue me in. 🙂
24.) A nod to Canadibrit. I got this backwards in the first draft. A good example for using a proof reader.
25.) A nod to all those fanartists who like to draw Daria as Jane and Jane as Daria.
26.) I have actually thought about doing a “What if Daria was set in Hazard County?” piece. I always get as far as Daria (and maybe Lynn) barricading themselves in the portapots in their costumes refusing to come out to the shoot. Maybe someday I’ll get to the story…
27.) Beavis and ButtHead
28.) I ain’t going to tell you what they are until the very end.
29.) Um, the first time I gave my ex a back rub, she was like that. Turned out no one had ever given her one before. I seriously doubt any of the 3 J’s would give Quinn a foot massage either.
30.) Made up for this s
tory. Canadibrit tells me she’s never thought of nicknames for Helen and Jake. I’m sure she can come up with better ones also.
31.) Never piss off your mailman.
32.) They plant corn, they have to have a corn harvest.
33.) You have no idea how hard this was to do in MS Word. I hate Word.
34.) A nod to Bob and Doug McKensie routines from SCTV.
35.) It’s a Star Wars quote. I know in Canadibrit’s universe, Daria is calling Jake him dad, not father.
36.) A nod to Kara Wild’s “Abruptly Amy (The Spinoff That Never Was).”
37.) A nod to Milo Minderbinder’s “Back to the Future! Again!” series.
38.) Legal Butt Covering so Canadibrit can continue that thread in her works.
39.) A nod to Amend’s “Foxtrot” comic strip.

That’s it. Thanks for playing.


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