Act #1

We start with a black screen. The number '1192' appears along the bottom of the screen as very loud religious chanting in a Middle Eastern language is heard, filling the speakers. A view of a Middle Eastern city from over a hundred feet in the air fades into view as the chanting grows in strength. We begin to slowly slide forward through the air finally coming to rest about twenty feet away from a tall prayer tower. A Jewish monk stands facing towards the east on the narrow walkway that surrounds the tower. He bellows the morning prayers over the city.

Int. View: A dark, damp stone stairwell lit only by a single torch, a heavy wooden door stands at the top. Sand covers every flat surface accumulating in the corners. A small rodent hurries across a stair stopping to sniff at a possible tidbit. Over the sound of the chanting, the tinkle of keys is heard, as the heavy door is unlocked and slammed open. A large brute of a man descends the staircase kicking the door shut with his foot. He drags along a prisoner dressed in a simple sack as a tunic with another covering the head, a few strands of long red hair escaping. The brute yanks on the chains that bind the prisoner's hands together as he drags her through the endless passageways past more torches and locked doors. The hands of a few unseen prisoners jut out here and there. He only pauses to kick another small rodent out of his way. We hear the occasional moan of pain, the snap of the whip, the shriek of agony, and the pleading for a swift death. The brute turns a corner, pulling sharply at his helpless prisoner, and knocks at another heavy wooden door.

Voice 1: (Through the door.) Heh heh.

Voice 2: (Also through the door.) Shut up, Butt Munch.

The Brute: (Yelling through the door.) Open this door.

Voice 1: Heh heh.

Voice 2: Um, we're not home right now. So, um, go away.

The Brute: (Annoyed now, he pounds on the door shaking it.) Open this door, you sons of camel dung! I know you're in there.

Voice 1: Heh heh. He said dung. Heh heh.

Voice 2: Heh heh. What's the password?

The Brute: We don't have any password. Now open up!

Voice 1: Heh heh.

Voice 2: Heh heh. Pull my finger and I'll open up.

Voice 1: (Getting excited.) Heh heh. Pull! Pull! Pull!

The Brute pounds on the door again and it finally opens. He looks annoyed as he drags the prisoner through the door.

Int. View: A small dungeon room. Prisoners dressed in filthy sackcloth line the edge of the room, sitting on rough stone benches or on the sandy, hard floor. They are linked by chains, which are attached to a large ring set into the wall. One jailer, wearing a leather tunic with the word 'Metallurgical' written across it, stands in the middle of the room, a bullwhip in his hand. The other jailer, also wearing a leather tunic but with the words 'Camel Power' across its front, shuts the door and moves to stand by his partner. The Brute drags the new prisoner into the room and stops.

The Brute: I have another one of those English swine for you to play with. (He smiles showing his missing teeth as he yanks at the prisoner's chains.) This one's a sow. Maybe you can milk her like the swine that she is.

Jailer 1: (Formally Voice 1.) Heh heh. We're going score!

Jailer 2: (Formally Voice 2. He leans over and whacks the first jailer.) Shut up Butt Munch. You don't know how to score.

The Brute: (He shoves the female into the hands of the two jailers.) Just keep her alive so we can cut off her head later. (He reaches across to the prisoner to pull the hood off.) That's what we do to English scum like you.

The hood is jerked off and we see a full head of messy reddish hair with some glasses sticking out. After a second, she throws her hair back as we now see the face of a very dirty and very mad Daria.

Daria: (In a very fake English accent dripping with sarcasm.) Thank you for your wonderful hospitality. I hope to see you again. (Beat.) At the end of my sword as I impale you on it.

The Brute backhands Daria hard across the face. She would fall to the ground if not for the chains around her hands, which are still held by Jailer 2.

Jailer 2: (Impressed.) Whoa.

Jailer 1: (Getting excited.) Hit her again! Hit her again! [2]

The Brute: (Looking down at Daria who is glaring back, the mark of his hand on her cheek.) Just take care of her. (He spits on the ground near Daria as he leaves the room.)

Jailer 1: (Getting ready to drop his tunic.) I'm going to score!

Jailer 2: Wait, Butt Munch. She doesn't have any thingies.

Daria: (Spitting out some blood and standing back upright.) You won't have any thingies either if you try anything.

Jailer 1: I want thingies!

Jailer 2: Um, maybe we should lock her up or something.

Jailer 1: (Still excited.) I'll get the chains! (He starts to go off.)

Jailer 2: Um, Butt Munch, she's already chained up. Let's put her next to that, um, Scarlet chick. She doesn't have any thingies either.

They drag Daria across the dungeon to a waiting bench next to the wall. A young, dark-haired woman also dressed in dirty sackcloth sits on the bench near an empty spot. She keeps her head down, her hair covering her face. The jailers attach Daria's chains to the wall and walk off. We can hear them in the background.

Daria: (Looking around at the grime as she uses the back of her hand to wipe off the blood on her chin.) Honey, I'm home. (She yanks hard at the chains.)

The Other Female: (Still with her head down. She speaks with another bad English accent but better than Daria's.) It is of no use. These chains are but solid links and unbreakable.

Daria: (Looking at her companion.) Is it not the duty of all prisoners to escape from their jail?

The Other Female: I have tried since I have been thrown in here. It is of no use.

Daria: Well we shouldn't give up.

Daria goes back to pulling at her chains and looking around for an escape. Her eyes fall again on the other female and she sits there thinking for a minute.

Daria: You could help.

The Other Female: (Shrugs.) I could...

Daria: I heard the jailer call you by the name of Scarlet. Is that your name or do you have the fever?

The Other Female: No, it 'tis my name, Scarlet. (She finally lifts her head so that we can see it is a very dirty Jane. She brushes the hair out of her eyes.) Jane Scarlet. I am but the world's best minstrel.

Daria: What brings you here to this dark dungeon?

Jane: (Stretching a bit.) Oh, it was just a small misunderstanding.

Daria: You pissed someone off with your singing, didn't you?

Jane: (Shrugs.) How would I know they would be offended by Christmas carols? (She looks over to Daria.) So? [3]

Daria: Um, Daria. Daria of Lawndale.

Jane: What brings you to the armpit of the universe?

Daria: (Shrug.) I'm on a vacation?

Jane: That's a new one to me. Usually it's a quest or something. Always something heroic. (She looks at Daria closely.) Are you sure you're not on a quest?

Daria: What for?

Jane: The normal stuff. A grail or two, some shroud, maybe tickets to a George Burns show? [4]

Daria: Beats me. My king showed up on my front doorstep a few months ago, mentioned something about me needing a vacation, sticks me on a leaky boat, my horse gets sick, they lose my luggage, I get into a huge fight at the docks with customs, and here I am in some dungeon in the middle of nowhere. Next time, I'm going to Rome for my vacation.

Jane: I hear Rome's nice this time of year.

Daria: Is it?

Jane: (She nods.) In the fall, they start running out of prisoners and slaves to throw to the lions so they pull foreigners off of the street and start chucking them in. (Beat.) Great for the locals but hell for the tourist industry.

Daria: So, how are we going to get out of here?

Jane: (Looking around.) Not a clue.

Daria: (Looking around also.) Been here long?

Jane: Long time. Ages and ages. I've tried escaping a couple of times but no luck. (Daria sits there looking at her again.) OK, just a couple of days.

Daria: (Turning to look at the two jailers.) They look kind of stupid.

Jane: (Also looking in that direction.) Very.

Daria: (Taking a closer look.) They look kind of familiar...

Jane: (Thinking.) If we could just get them to unchain us...

Daria and Jane look at each other and smirks appear on their faces.

Jane: (Calling him over.) Hey, Butt Munch!

Both jailers walk over.

Jailer 1: Heh heh.

Jailer 2: Um, we're like armed so don't like try anything.

Jailer 1: Heh heh.

Jailer 2: Um, like what do you want?

Jane: Oh, we're just bored.

Jailer 1: Heh heh.

Jailer 2: You won't be bored when they chop off your heads.

Jailer 1: (Beginning to get into Cornholio mode.) Heh heh. CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!

Jailer 2: (Whacks him another one.) Settle down, Butt Munch.

Jane: (Sounding suggestive.) Oh, I don't know. I know we have a few days left until our necks stretch and I'm young. (She takes a bare foot and starts rubbing it up against Jailer 1's leg.) Think of all the things that we haven't done yet. (Looks over to Daria and winks.) Right, Daria?

Daria: (Looks very uncomfortable.) Um, right. (She sticks her foot out and starts trying to run it up Jailer 2's leg but doesn't have the hang of it.)

Jailer 1: (He's gone.) We're gonna score!

Jane: (After a quick look at Daria.) We think we would like to give you two a nice, big...

Both of Jane and Daria's legs come up hard on the jailer's crotches.

Daria: (With a smirk.) Ow, that's gotta hurt.

The two jailers go down on the ground, holding their privates, moaning. Jane bends over the prone figures, yanks out the keys, and quickly unlocks their shackles. She throws the keys over to another prisoner as Daria retrieves the scimitars from the two jailers. Daria and Jane look on as the two jailers are dragged away by their former captives.

Jailer 1: (Off screen.) Wait! Wait! I need those!

Jane: (Looking off screen with a smirk.) Not any more you don't.

Daria: Um, so how do we get out of here?

Jane: (Pointing to a grate set in the wall.) I think that this will allow us to escape this prison.

Jailer 1: (Off screen.) Don't touch my wiener!

Daria: (Thinking.) It would be better than a direct escape out the front door.

Jane: (She yanks hard at the grate but it does not budge.) See anything to knock it open with?

Daria: (Looking around. She picks up a large hammer and hands it to Jane.) Will this do?

Jane: Yup. It's a thousand miles to England. We've got a pair of scimitars, wearing sackcloth, it's dark and we have no shoes. [5]

Daria: Hit it.

Jane starts pounding the grate with the hammer.

Ext. View: A dark alley with a few lights coming from windows high up on the walls. We can hear the sounds of guards in the background. Jane and Daria run down the alley banishing swords, both bloodied. Jane is holding her side where blood seeps around her hand. She stops and leans up against the wall, out of breath. Daria runs by but stops a bit further down. She looks back at Jane, turns to scan the area for any threats and quickly returns to her side.

Daria: We mustn't stop. They will be on us shortly.

Jane: (Still breathing hard.) Go on. (Pant.) I'm wounded. (Pant.) I'll (Pant.) I'll hold them off.

Daria takes a long look at Jane who lifts her sword in an offensive position and smiles but grimaces as the pain shoots through her body. She nearly falls but the wall supports her.

Daria: (Putting her arm around Jane and lifting her upright.) I'm not leaving you. (Beat.) So now I have a minstrel as a friend. It could be worse. I could have a crush on one that sleeps all day long. [6] (Beat.) Where do you play?

Jane: I've been around. I have traveled the length and breath of Europe playing for many.

Daria: You any good?

Jane: They sit there and grind their teeth at me. (Daria looks at her.) In some places, that's a complement.

Daria: If you say so...

Jane: Like when they throw fresh fruit at me. (Beat.) Well, it's usually fresh.

They stumble off together. The camera lowers to the ground where a trail of blood mixes in with their footprints in the dirt.

Ext. View: The docks of the city. Daria and Jane stumble into view looking at the names on the ships. Daria is still supporting Jane, but they both have their scimitars out ready for action.

Daria: Damn, I don't recognize the names of any of these ships.

Jane: (Breathing very hard.) I know of one where we can find safety. The Esteemer. Captain O'Neill will hide us.

Daria: The Esteemer? It doesn't sound like a ship I want to caught on.

Jane: Would you rather go back and tell that to the guards? (Daria just looks at her and they stumble on.) Um, thanks for saving my life back there.

Daria: Not a problem.

Jane: (She starts speaking more slowly.) No, I'm serious. I owe you my life. (She faints dead away. Daria takes a look at her, gets a better grip of her new friend, and then continues to look for the Esteemer.)

Ext. View: An ocean shot with a longboat under sail. The camera passes over the ship and we hear some tortured sounds coming from a mandolin.

Jane: (Singing.) "I'm leaving on a long boat." [7]

The tortured crew of the ship: SHUT UP!

Act #2

Ext. View: A coastal shot off the English coast. We see the longboat out in the ocean sitting at anchor. A small rowboat is headed to shore with a large number of people sitting aboard, most rowing hard against the tide. Two people stand in the bow of the boat, one wearing green and the other red.

Ext. View: A shot of the shore looking out over the ocean. Daria and Jane have come ashore. Daria is now dressed in a leather jerkin with green tights and shirt underneath. Jane is dressed in a reddish silk getup with black tights and a large pack on her back. They have cleaned themselves up. The sailors are unloading the boat and piling up items on the beach. One of the items is a mandolin.

Daria: (Still with her bad accent.) I have reached my homeland. (She knees down on the beach and bends over.)

Jane: (With a smirk.) Do all English folks like you act so foolishly? And you? Acting emotionally? Have you become sick?

Daria spits out a mouthful of sand. Jane hands Daria a wineskin, which she takes a drink from and spits again onto the beach. After a second, Daria stands up, spitting out some final sand, and hands the wineskin back to Jane.

Daria: Three weeks! We were on that damn ship for three weeks. Between the posters and signs reminding you about your self esteem, the plastered happy looks on most of the crew, and the damn captain following me around trying to pass along his (We can hear the quotes around the following.) vast knowledge of life.

Jane: I've been on that ship six times now.

Daria: You deserve a metal.

Daria looks back at Jane and over to the pile of luggage on the beach. She spies the mandolin on top of the pile.

Daria: You know, Jane. You've come a long way from your homeland. I'm sure you have to get back to being a minstrel traveling across Europe or something.

Jane: No, I'm fine. I've never been to England. Plus you saved my life. I am in your debt until I repay the favor (Beat.) or come up with twenty bucks to buy you off.

Daria: Really. You don't have to stay with me nor pay me any money.

Jane: But I want to follow you and write songs of your travels, create epic poems about your adventures, and pen dirty limericks detailing all your one night stands.

Daria: You don't have to, Scarlet.

Jane looks at Daria and folds her arms over her chest. An eyebrow goes up as she scrutinizes Daria.

Jane: It sounds like you don't want me along. (Beat.) Is something wrong with me?

Daria: Oh no, not you, Scarlet. (She looks over Jane's shoulder at the sailors standing by the boat. They begin to pull out bludgeons and start to look over Jane sizing her up.) Let's just say it's too soon for England to hear your wonderful voice.

Jane's eyebrow goes up a tad higher. She turns and sees the sailors spreading out around her. Jane looks back at Daria with a surprised look on her face. Daria shrugs. Jane turns back at the sailors and pulls a smaller mandolin out of her pack, playing a few practice notes. The sailors look at each other with terror on their faces, jump back in the boat, and row quickly away. Jane turns back at Daria.

Daria: (Shrugs.) I had to try. So I'm stuck with you.

Jane: Hey, I can take care of myself.

Daria: So how come you wound up in prison?

Jane: OK, usually I can take care of myself. I have to repay the debt I owe you for saving my life. (Jane removes her hat and makes a graceful bow.)

Daria: (Under her breath.) Yea, whatever. (They begin to gather up their supplies.)

Jane: Where do we travel to now?

Daria: My childhood home, Lawndale. My father is the Lord of the manor.

Jane: (Surprised.) You are a nobleman?

Daria: I prefer the term noble person myself, but yes, I am next in line to take his seat when the time comes.

Jane: So are there any cute guys in your country?

Daria stops and gives Jane a look before continuing to load up her supplies. Jane follows.

Ext. View: A large green field with a few trees scattered. Daria walks by with a full load and a bow over one shoulder. Jane also walks by with her own load while holding her mandolin. She listens to the tones as she plays a few notes.

Jane: (Singing.) "Bravely bold Sir Robin," [8]

Daria: (Turning.) It's Daria, remember? Not Robin. Daria.

Jane: Um, this is the only ballad I know about knights.

Daria: (This stops her in her tracks.) The only ballad you know?

Jane: About knights. (Beat.) I don't often travel to places that have knights. (Another beat.) Plenty of Day's Inns though. They seem to be springing up every where.

Daria: (Turning back to the trail after giving Jane a look.) We'll work on one for you.

Jane: (After a second.) Are we there yet?

Daria: Very funny, Scarlet.

Ext. View: An overhead shot of a light forest. Jane follows Daria from a distance.

Jane: (Beat.) Are we there yet?

Ext. View: A group of bushes standing in front of a bunch of trees. Jane comes tearing through the bushes looking for an escape with Daria following holding Jane's mandolin over her head as a weapon. Jane throws up an arm as she sees something off screen and Daria stops and ducks down. They slowly slide up behind a bush and look over it. We see Quinn from the rear holding a bow and arrow. She is wearing forest clothing but it appears to be of a better cut than normal. She is stalking a deer eating berries from a bush further away in the woods. Daria is surprised.

Daria: (Quietly.) That's my sister. What is she doing out hunting?

Jane: (Ditto.) I take it that that's not normal?

Daria: No, it's not. The whole idea of hunting is foreign to her. Her life centers around the royal court and its gossip.

Quinn almost drops the bow but is able to get off a shot towards the deer. The camera focuses on what is obviously a stuffed deer that falls over with an arrow stuck in it. She pulls out a knife and runs over to the deer. Daria looks shocked as we watch Quinn prepare to gut and clean it.

Daria: (Beginning to get up.) Something is seriously wrong here.

Just as Jane begins to also get up, the sound of horses is heard off screen. Jane and Daria pull back into the bushes quickly. The camera focuses on Quinn as Lynn, Kevin and AP ride up on horseback. Lynn is wearing what appears to be rich, deep purple official clothing; AP is wearing a more toned down version of what Lynn is wearing, while Kevin is dressed in a full suit of armor, a football painted on a yellow tunic that he wears over it. Lynn draws her crossbow and points it at Quinn. Quinn jumps back quickly and glares at Lynn.

Jane: My goodness!

Daria: What?

Jane: The woman on horseback. She looks exactly like you.

Daria: Really? (She takes a look and makes a disgusted sound.) You need your eyes checked. I don't think we look anything alike.

Lynn: (Snotty but with a darn good English accent.) We meet again, Lady Quinn.

Quinn: (She stands still holding her knife. She looks nervous and speaks without an accent.) We do indeed, Sheriff Lynn.

Lynn leans over the side of her horse to look at Quinn's kill. The crossbow remains pointed in Quinn's direction though.

Lynn: Your aim improves, my lady. (She looks up.) First shot?

Quinn: I would not have to improve my aim if you hadn't taken away my family's lands. (Daria looks shocked at this bit of news.)

Lynn: (Leaning back up into her saddle.) Maybe you should join them. (Makes a wave with her hand.) Sir Kevin, disarm her.

Kevin attempts to dismount but with him wearing full armor, it's difficult. Lynn rolls her eyes and looks at AP.

Lynn: Squire Andrew, help your master. (Lynn returns to watching Quinn as AP hops down and rushes to try and help Kevin. After a minute, Daria and Jane approach from the rear out of Lynn's line of sight.)

Jane: Here, let us give you a hand.

AP: (With a nod.) Thanks.

They finally get Kevin off the horse and standing upright. Daria then draws Kevin's sword and Jane snatches AP's dagger.

Daria: Good morning to you, Sir Knight.

Kevin: (He raises the hood of his helmet. He still has that dopey grin on his face.) Good morning to you, my lady. Thanks for your help getting me down. I wonder why they don't install stairs on horses. (All three, including AP, roll their eyes as Daria walks off towards Lynn.)

Lynn: (In a close up shot. She still hasn't turned around.) What are you waiting for, Sir Kevin? Disarm her. (The tip of a sword appears in view pointed at Lynn's face. The shot pulls back to show Daria holding the sword and Jane covering the other two with the dagger. Lynn is surprised but is able to control herself and nods at Daria.) Daria.

Daria: (She returns the nod.) Sheriff Lynn. (Beat.) And it's Lady Daria to you.

Lynn: (With a hint of sarcasm.) Lady Daria. Please forgive me. My mind was elsewhere as I was trying to arrest this common thief.

Quinn: (Insulted.) A common thief? I'm not common. How dare you call me...

Daria: (After a look at Quinn to get to her to keep quiet, she now stresses her accent in an attempt to make it sound more English.) What has my sister, Lady Quinn, done that warrants such action by a group of armed soldiers?

Lynn: (Smiles slightly and does her accent with ease.) That deer that she has killed belongs to the King. And she has done this act on land also belonging to the King.

Daria: (Trying harder on the accent.) I find it very interesting that she can kill a King's deer on my family's land.

Lynn: (With a smirk.) This land no longer belongs to your family, Daria. (Daria scowls slightly.) Excuse me, Lady Daria. (She moves the crossbow slightly to draw attention to it.) You will discover, Lady Daria, that things have changed quite a lot since you left us.

Jane: Seems like things change a lot here in your country. (She smiles at AP and Kevin and makes a small wave of the dagger. They take a step back.)

Daria: While things may have changed, it appears we hold the upper hand. (She lowers her sword point to aim for Lynn's heart.)

Lynn: (She sighs and safeties her crossbow.) So it seems. Mark this day, Lady Daria. I will have my revenge.

Daria: That may be, but today is not that day.

Lynn: It appears that it is not. I will take my leave of you now. Good day to you. (She secures the crossbow and rides off. Daria, Jane, and Quinn have to help AP get Kevin back on his horse. Jane returns AP's dagger to him with a wink and a pat on his rear as he turns away. Daria looks at Jane who shrugs, while AP and Kevin ride off.)

Jane: First time in a new country. Got to try the guys out. Plus he's cute. (Daria scowls at her.) In a he's on the wrong team sort of way.

Daria: (She smirks and turns back to Quinn.) Sister of mine.

Quinn: (She takes a quick look at Jane.) Cousin.

Jane: What a strange country you have here. You pull out swords and crossbows when you greet each other and you can be a sister and a cousin at the same time.

Daria: Quinn is my sister, Scarlet.

Quinn: Only because I have to be. All you think about is the common people and trying to make their life easier. Things like trash collection and drainage ditches and blood letting for the common folk. You never attend the parties or the hunt and never concern yourself with the other things us popular noble people do. Like I was telling my ladies in waiting the other day...

Daria: (Taking a breath first.) Quinn, what happened to our folks?

Quinn's face falls and she turns away letting out a sob as Jane and Daria look at her.

Ext. View: A smoking, half-destroyed castle at night. Smoke drifts across the broken stone and wood. Daria leads the group over the broken drawbridge and past the raised gate. Quinn stops right by the gate holding herself refusing to go any further, looking around as though she doesn't like the memories this place now holds. Jane walks over to a dead horse with three arrows sticking out of its side. Daria just stands there in the middle of the courtyard taking in all of the destruction.

Int. View: The great hall of the castle. Broken tables and chairs litter the floor, and torn banners hang from the ceiling. Daria walks into the hall staring at the damage. She walks through the hall, stopping near what was the head table. She reaches down and rights the throne that used to sit at the head of the table. She looks around with sadness.

Int. View: A hallway within the castle with a staircase leading up at the end. A window with most of the glass broken out of it is set in the outer wall, a small broken hall table underneath it. Jane walks down the staircase with her sword drawn and pauses near the window, her nose turning up is disgust at the smell. She takes a sniff and a disgusted look crosses her face. She turns, opens the remains of the window, and pokes her head out. She retreats quickly, a look of horror on her face and a hand covering her mouth. She bolts off camera and we hear her puking her guts up a few seconds later.

Int. View: The remains of a large flower garden behind the burned out castle. Quinn slowly walks though it, pausing near a broken wooden bench. She kneels down and reaches out with a hand. The camera shows a close up shot of Quinn's hand passing over a carved heart in the top of the bench, the initials 'Q.M.' and 'T.D.C.' within it.

Int. View: A large bedroom also within the castle. Daria walks in and looks around. We can see tears starting to form in her eyes. Daria walks over to the fireplace and looks above it to where the broken frame of a painting hangs by a nail. She looks down and kneels by the fireplace. She pokes around the residue of the fire with her dagger and pulls out the burnt remains of the painting. She looks at it, brushing off the black ash. The camera focuses on it showing the Morgendorffer clan dressed as their Middle Age counterparts. Jane approaches from behind and lays a hand on Daria's shoulder. Daria's eyes begin to water but no tears fall.

Jane: (Softly.) You OK?

Daria: Yea. (A sniffle.) My family isn't the best one could have but...

Jane: They're your family. (Beat.) What are you going to do now?

Daria gets angry, stands up and pulls out her sword. Jane takes a giant step back.

Jane: Whoa! I don't think that's a good idea, Daria.

Daria looks at Jane and then back at the torched painting. She puts the sword against her open palm and slowly slices. A small amount of blood appears along the edge of the blade. Quinn walks in and sees what is happening.

Quinn: EEW! (She rushes out into the hallway and starts to dry heave.)

Daria: As God as my witness, I shall avenge my parents' death.

She closes her hand into a fist and squeezes until a few drops of blood fall to the floor. Jane makes a face.

Jane: I wonder about you English types sometimes.

Jane pulls out a cloth and hands it to Daria. Daria returns her sword to her scabbard and wraps her hand with the cloth.

Daria: (As she bandages her hand.) It appears that I now also have to take care of my sister.

Jane: She seems to have been able to take care of herself so far. And she did kill that deer without any problem.

Daria: (Thinking while looking at her bandaged hand.) Yea she appears to have grown a bit since I've been gone. (Smirks slightly.) You should see her friends.

Jane: So, do you plan on doing something about this situation?

Daria: Yes, but first we have to bury the dead.

Daria looks at Jane, straightens her clothing, and walks out. Jane follows.

Act #3

Ext. View: A large castle sitting on a hill. A small village is seen in the evening darkness at the bottom of the hill. The words "Princess Li's Castle." appear along the bottom of the screen.

Int. View: A two story hall within the castle. The bottom floor is covered with many tables and benches. The second story is ringed with a balcony, the railings covered in flags and tapestries. A fire is lit in the huge fireplace built into a wall. Ms. Li sits alone at the head table surrounded by parchments and food. Her small, stone Buddha sits on the corner of the table. She grabs the dagger that is lodged into the table and uses it to cut some meat out of the roast that sits beside her. She stabs it with the dagger and bites off a chunk, chewing as she writes on a parchment. Lynn walks into the room followed by Kevin, still dressed in his full suit of armor. She stands by the table while waiting for Li to notice her.

Li: (Speaking in her normal voice.) I need more money to support those extra troops I hired to protect the castle. (An idea pops into her head and she smiles a tad.) I know! I'll tax the peasants for having two arms and two legs. (She starts writing.) And if they don't have both, I'll tax them for being different.

Lynn clears her throat. Li looks up at her.

Li: Is there something important that you have to interrupt my dinner?

Lynn: (Stands at attention.) Yes, Princess Li. While on patrol, I met Lady Daria of Lawndale. She has returned from the Crusades.

Li: Your point being?

Lynn: We tried to jail her parents knowing that they would be an obstruction to your plans. We had to kill them and the members of their household when they tried to resist. Now with Lady Daria back in England, she may cause the same obstruction.

Li: (She takes another bit of meat and chews while thinking.) She won't be any problem. One young Lady isn't going to change anything while she's rotting in a jail cell. (She takes a look at Lynn and Kevin.) What happened when you met her? You did capture her, right?

Lynn: (With a pained look.) She was able to take advantage of me and get away.

Li slams her fist against the table, knocking her dagger to the floor. Sir Kevin notices this and makes an attempt to pick it up.

Li: (Pissed.) You travel with the best knights I have yet one single lady of the court defeats you?

Kevin: I'll get it.

He's in the background trying to bend over in full armor to pick up the blade. Both Li and Lynn ignore him.

Lynn: She was able to get the advantage over us and...

Kevin: (Interrupting.) Um, a little help please.

Li and Lynn both turn to Kevin. He's now bent over but his armor has locked into that position and he is now helpless. Li calms down slightly.

Li: I can see that maybe you had some problems. I do hope she will not give you trouble again. You know how important it is to bring honor to the County of LAWNdale.

Lynn: (Giving a quick look at Kevin before continuing.) Maybe if we had some more assistance...

Li: (She takes a bite of meat and thinks while chewing.) Where do you think she is now?

Kevin: Um, excuse me?

Lynn: Probably on her way home. (Beat.) Or what's left of it.

Li thinks for a second and stands.

Li: We shall go talk to the witch.

Lynn: Which witch?

Li: (Her eyes getting narrow.) Don't start with me, Sheriff.

Lynn: I'm serious. Which witch are we taking about?

Li: You know which witch is which.

They look at each other for a second. Li pushes her throne back and begins to walk off.

Li: Let's go talk to her.

Lynn: Which witch?

Li: You'll see!

Int. View: The camera slowly sides through a circular room in the castle. Bookcases line the walls filled with books, scrolls, canisters, bags, etc. A lit fireplace with a cauldron fills one corner while a pair of work benches fills the rest of the room. They are covered with open books, papers, and scrolls. A frog hops slowly across one table. A lit burner sits in the corner underneath a beaker half filled with some strange purple liquid giving off a slightly orange smoke. The camera finally stops on a closed door which now opens to allow Li and Lynn access to the room.

Lynn: I hate coming up here.

Li: Oh, the tower is not that high off the ground.

Lynn: It's not that, sire. I don't trust witches.

Li: She's a security measure. One of many that the new taxes are paying for.

Lynn: I still don't like it. All that dark magic is to me is a bunch of (She lifts some black powder out of a dish on one of the tables and rolls it around her fingers.) mumbo jumbo to scare the peasants.

Andrea: (From off screen. In a strong English accent.) I wouldn't touch that powder if I were you.

Both Li and Lynn turn upwards to this new voice. We see Andrea standing on the ceiling upside down looking at them. She is dressed in black rags and furs. A medallion hands from a chain at her neck.

Li: (Looking up at Andrea.) Impressive.

Andrea: That's dried woodchuck blood. It's a poison that can be absorbed through the skin. [9]

Lynn quickly drops the powder from her hand and wipes them clean with a rag. Andrea pulls herself upward and unhooks her legs from a crossbeam in the ceiling. She lets herself drop down to the floor and stares at Lynn.

Andrea: It's a slow poison though. You have to ingest a fair amount of it over a long period of time. (Beat and then with a smile towards Lynn.) Or bathe in it perhaps...

On the word bathe, Lynn looks disgusted. Li is very happy though.

Li: Good, good! It sounds like we're getting our money's worth with you. Always important. I'm sure that you will bring honor to LAWNdale County. Isn't that right, Sheriff?

Lynn: (Still thinking about the aforementioned baths.) I'm sure she will, Princess Li. (Beat.) Um, why were you hanging from the ceiling though?

Andrea: It is how I meditate. It allows the body's spirits and liquids to flow more easily to one's brain.

Li: An excellent idea. I will have my guards try it tonight. See to it, Sheriff Lynn.

Lynn: (The look on her face clearly shows her opinion about this matter but Li doesn't notice.) I will pass along the order, Princess Li.

Andrea reaches for the dish of dried woodchuck blood and heads to the fireplace. She removes the cauldron from the fire and sprinkles a good helping of the powdered blood into the boiling water. She stirs the mixture with a spoon that was lying on the fireplace mantel.

Andrea: It also makes an excellent tea for relaxing after a hard day. Would either one of you like some? (Smirks.) I know the Sheriff would love a cup.

Lynn: I think I'll pass this evening.

Li: Oh, nonsense Sheriff. I know how stressful your day has been. We must all take every chance we can to relax. That way you can be at your best when you need to be. That's what brings honor to LAWNdale county.

Andrea takes a tray with three mugs on it from a table. She quickly fills them, taking one for herself and passing the rest to the others. Lynn looks with worry at hers.

Andrea: I do think that the Sheriff worries about the poison aspect of the tea. I assure you that it takes a long time for the poison to build up in one's system. Until you reach that amount, it is quite harmless. (Beat.) And tasty.

Andrea takes a long swig from her mug with Li quickly following. Lynn just can't bring herself to do it though. Andrea and Li sigh as they finish theirs.

Li: That is wonderful tea, Andrea. You must give my cook the ingredients.

Andrea: (Taking a slight bow.) Of course.

Lynn: (Looking for a place to set down her mug.) Sire, we came on business...

Li: Yes, we did. (Turning to face Andrea directly.) An outlaw has appeared within the county and we need...

Andrea: You need to know if this outlaw will be a thorn in your plans.

Li: Yes, precisely. How did you know that?

Andrea: (Turning to face Li directly.) I know a great number of things, Princess Li. I know that one day you wish to be the king. (Now turning to face Lynn.) And I know about your taste in men, Sheriff.

Lynn: (Blushing slightly) What can you tell us that will help with the outlaw, witch?

Andrea turns away from them and just about glides towards a bookcase. She removes a black cloth bag and sits down on a stool at a table. Lynn and Li stand behind her on either side.

Andrea: I must have silence while I prepare myself for the reading.

Andrea closes her eyes, leans back, begins to sway back and forth slightly and mumble under her breath. Lynn and Li lean forward to listen to her.

Andrea: (Singing under her breath.) "I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes"

Lynn and Li stand upright and look at each other. Andrea comes out of her meditation shortly after that. She opens the cloth sack and pulls out a small crystal ball. She places it on the table.

Andrea: And now we will begin the reading.

Andrea peers in the globe as it begins to glow slightly. Lynn and Li also lean forward to look into the globe.

Andrea: I see a young red haired girl walking through the forest. She carries a... (Andrea stops and looks at Lynn.) She looks exactly like you, Sheriff Lynn. Care to explain?

Lynn: Really? I never saw the resemblance.

They return to the globe.

Andrea: She carries a bow. She travels with a small number of companions. One of them is a... She's a foreign devil. Beware of the foreign devil. Her voice can kill.

Li: But are they a threat, witch? Tell me what I need to know.

Andrea: If you leave them to grow, they will be strong enough to give you worry.

Li stands up with a satisfied smile on her face. Lynn also stands but with an annoyed look on her face.

Lynn: The witch hasn't told us anything we didn't know already. Of course if Lady Daria gains power and followers, she will cause trouble.

Li: Nonsense. We now know that she can't be allowed to gather strength in that forest of hers. (She turns to the Sheriff.) Put out a reward for the capture of this Lady Daria. One hundred gold crowns to the one who brings her in, dead or alive.

Lynn: (Sighs.) I will have the bounty announced right away.

Lynn comes to attention before she bolts from the room. Li pays her no attention but returns to the side of the witch and again peers into the globe.

Li: Please now tell me about that cute Lord of Calcutta. What can I do to get him to notice me?

Andrea smirks slightly as then both return to the globe.

Int. View: The Great Hall again. Kevin is still bent over in his armor trying to reach the dagger on the floor.

Kevin: Um, hello? Is anyone there? I'm stuck.

Act #4

Ext. View: A close up shot of a wanted poster tacked to a tree. Daria's face appears on it with the words 'Wanted' along the top and 'One Hundred Gold Crowns Reward!' along the bottom. The camera pulls back and we see that the wanted poster is tacked on an upright support of a small covered bridge in the forest. Daria, Jane, and Quinn walk along the path leading through the bridge, Quinn bringing up the rear. We can see that Daria and Jane are putting up with her.

Quinn: And another thing. What are we doing in this forest? We should be spending the nights in front of a warm fire and sleeping in beds covered with heavy quilts instead of stomping around Sick Sad Forest. (Beat.) And who gave this forest such a stupid name anyway?

Jane: Quinn, we told you. As soon as Sheriff Lynn returns to Princess Li's castle and makes her report, every knight and sheriff will be out hunting for us. The safest place for us is right here in the forest, away from prying eyes.

Daria: Plus we will be able to plan our revenge on the Princess for the deaths of our parents, sister.

Quinn: Um, oh yea.

Daria: You do want to avenge our parents' deaths, right Quinn?

Quinn: Yes, I just don't like those sword thingies and stuff.

Jane: I'm sure we can work something out Quinn so that you don't have to hold any sword thingies.

Quinn: Oh good. Swords don't match my outfits.

Jane: (Quietly.) You know, Daria. Just the two of us don't stand much of a chance against Princess Li and her forces. You do have a plan, right?

Daria: I'm working on one. But I agree with you. We need some more people.

They stop before a small stream about ten feet wide with a tree forming a bridge across it.

Quinn: Oh goodie. I don't want to get my new boots wet.

Jane: (In a low voice.) Haven't we been walking through grass wet with the morning dew?

Daria shrugs and hops onto the log. As she crosses, Brittany jumps out from behind a bush (We see a hand pull back into the bushes quickly.) on the other side of the stream and stands on the log also. She immediately starts twirling her hair with a free hand.

Brittany: (Normal voice. No accent what so ever.) Um, like stop. OK?

Jane: (Smirking.) Oh look. It's a fearsome warrior to stop our travels. We're in deep doo-doo now, Daria. What will we do?

Daria gives Jane a look before turning back to Brittany.

Daria: Please stand aside as we are travelers on an important mission and need to get to the other side of this stream.

Brittany: (Twirling away.) Um, as soon as you pay the toll.

Daria: (Annoyed.) Toll? What toll?

Brittany: Um, the toll to pass this river on my bridge.

Daria: On my father's lands? I will pay no such toll. These are my family's lands and I will go where I want to.

Brittany: Then I shall fight you with my trusty quarterstaff. (Beat.) I wonder why they call it a quarterstaff. I'm sure it cost more than that. Like a buck and a quarter or something. [10]

Daria, Jane, and Quinn look around.

Jane: (Smirking.) I think you forgot something, oh brave toll keeper.

Brittany: (Still twirling.) Um, I don't think so.

Daria: Maybe your quarterstaff?

Brittany: (Brightening up.) Oh, yea. Um, I'll be right back.

A hand reaches out from the bushes holding the quarterstaff, which Brittany grabs and runs back onto the log. She teeters for a bit before standing in a defensive position.

Brittany: Um, like you leave me no choice but to fight you to demand payment for my toll.

Daria sighs and begins to pull out her sword.

Brittany: EEP! What a big sword you have. What kind of weapon is that against poor little old me with just a quarterstaff? That's a coward's weapon.

Daria sighs again, returns her sword, and goes running off into the forest.

Jane: (Looking after Daria.) Daria, she is but a young girl and you are trained in the art of fighting. Surely you do not retreat?

Brittany: (Calling after her.) Run like the coward you are.

Daria: (From off screen.) I am not a coward. I just wish to get my own staff to fight you with fairly.

Daria reappears again with a staff and hops again onto the log getting into a defensive position. Jane appears beside them. She is standing in the stream. It comes up about an inch on her shoes.

Jane: Are you sure you want to do this? We can simply cross the stream by foot. Here, let me show you. (Jane walks across the stream a couple of times, barely getting wet. She returns to Daria's side.) You don't have to fight her. We can just go around.

Daria: It's the principle of the thing. I will not have someone else making money off of my family's lands.

Jane throws her hands up into the air and walks back to their side of the stream. [11]

Jane: Must be an English thing.

Daria: I must warn you I have been trained for this sort of thing. En Garde.

Daria does a neat little spin move with her quarterstaff and whacks Brittany on her hand.

Brittany: Ow! That hurt!

Brittany turns away from Daria to blow on her hand. Her staff swings around, hooks one of Daria's legs causing Daria to lose her balance and go flying off the log into the stream. Brittany waves her hand a bit, blowing on it, gets the pain under control and turns back to where Daria was. She is surprised to not see her standing there and begins to look around.

Brittany: Where did she go? (She finally looks down at the stream and sees her.) What are you doing down there? You'll get all wet.

Brittany hops down into the stream and offers Daria a hand up out of the water. She accepts and picks up her quarterstaff. They both climb on the log again.

Daria: Now we shall settle this.

Daria does another neat little move with her staff, which gets under Brittany's defenses. Unfortunately Brittany, while trying to protect herself, brings her staff down hard, right on Daria's head. Daria holds her head while Brittany brings her staff around again to a defensive position, hitting Daria in the knee while doing so. Daria loses her balance and goes off again. We can hear Jane in the background trying not to laugh.

Jane: Lady fall down. Go boom-boom.

Daria: Go to hell, Scarlet.

Brittany: Are you in the stream again? Have you not taken your weekly bath?

She hops down into the stream again and helps Daria get to her feet. Brittany once again climbs onto the log while Daria stumbles back to her side of the stream bed looking annoyed. Jane walks over to her while trying to hide a grin.

Jane: (Turning so that Brittany can't hear them.) Are you OK?

Daria: (Following Jane's lead.) Ever hear the expression about the greatest swordsman and whom he fears the most?

Jane: Yes, he doesn't fear the second best swordsman but the worst swordsman. The greatest swordsman and the second best are on the same level so they know each others tricks and what to expect. There's no telling what the worst swordsman will pull though.

Daria: I feel like that first swordsman right now.

Jane: Maybe you're just trying too hard.

Daria looks at Jane who shrugs. They both look at Brittany who is back to twirling her hair. Daria shrugs and climbs back onto the log.

Daria: You are well versed with the use of that quarterstaff.

Brittany: (Cheerfully.) Really? I just started using it this morning. I thought I might break a nail...

Daria pulls a sneaky trick. As soon as Brittany mentions her nails and looks down at her hands, Daria jams the end of her quarterstaff against Brittany's back and shoves hard. Brittany goes flying into the stream with a scream. Daria jumps down off the log and helps Brittany to her feet.

Daria: Um, you fight well with your quarterstaff. What's your name?

Brittany spits out some water and mud.

Brittany: Brittany Little. And yours?

Jane: (An aside to Quinn.) She doesn't look so little to me. (Quinn nods.)

Daria: Daria. Daria of Lawndale.

Brittany: (Surprised. After all this is her lord.) Oh, Lady Daria. (She falls to the ground, um, stream.)

Daria: Oh, get up, Brittany Little. I will not have the two of us getting sick because of this cold stream.

Daria pulls Brittany upright and drags her over to the far side of the stream. Jane and Quinn cross using the log and join them.

Daria: I remember your parents. Where are they and what are you doing in the forest alone?

Brittany: The Princess Li has had them arrested when they couldn't pay their taxes last month. Sheriff Lynn had them dragged away in chains like common criminals.

Daria: (Minor shock.) They couldn't pay their taxes?

Jane: I take it that they were of some importance?

Quinn: (Turning to Jane.) Brittany's father owns, well owned the local tavern and inn. Her mom was the barmaid. They're fairly successful.

Jane: It sounds like they should have been able to pay them.

Daria: Yes, it does.

Brittany: Princess Li has raised the taxes five fold in the last three months to pay for the new security measures she has put into place. You either pay the taxes or wind up in jail. And once you're in jail, there's no coming back out.

Jane: That doesn't sound like they would have been able to pay them.

Daria: No, it doesn't.

Brittany: They took the inn and the manor for back taxes and I've been hiding out in the forest since then with what little I was able to take from the manor before they padlocked it. (Beat.) They've locked up a good portion of the county.

Daria and Jane look at each other.

Daria: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Jane: (Smirking.) I think so, Daria, but I can't see how getting two lab mice to talk will help anything. [12]

Daria: Scarlet...

Jane: I mean I don't see how the four of us will be able to change anything.

Daria: In time our numbers will grow but first we need to take care of ourselves and begin to put fear into Princess Li's heart.

Brittany: (Back to the hair twirling.) Um, like how do we do that?

Daria: We shall become outlaws and hide here in the forest.

Quinn: EEW! I don't want to stay here in the forest. It's cold and damp and there are bugs.

Daria: Either that or the Sheriff's cold, damp cell, sis.

Quinn: (She sighs.) I guess the forest isn't all that bad.

Jane: You know what? We need some cool nicknames. I want to have a cool nickname. (Beat.) And a poodle.

Daria: I think Scarlet fits you fine, Scarlet. And Brittany Little, I think the name Little Brittany will fit you fine.

Quinn: I don't think so.

Jane: Me either.

Brittany: Huh?

Daria: Just trust me on this one, OK?

Brittany: OK.

Jane: So what are we going to call you, Daria?

Daria: (Smirking.) I don't know but just don't call me late for dinner.

The other three just stare at Daria with looks of disgust. She shrugs.

Daria: OK, so I can't do standup. Over dinner we can think up a nickname for myself. Brittany, do you have a camp nearby?

Brittany: I think so.

Daria: I'll take that as a yes. Let's go and have us some dinner.

They begin to walk off.

Jane: I know what we can call you.

Daria: (Smirking.) You mean to my face?

Jane: How about Cynic Hood?

Daria: Even I can come up with something better than that.

Int. View: The inside of a horse drawn carriage moving through the forest. Lord Mack and his lovely Lady Jodie sit inside dressed in their finery. Through the carriage's windows, we can see a couple of guards outside riding on horseback.

Jodie: (Pretty good English accent.) Cynic Hood this and Cynic Hood that. That's all the peasants talk about nowadays. I found the kitchen staff discussing her this morning while they were supposed to be cleaning the kitchen and preparing lunch. They're making her into something like the hero of a Greek tragedy.

Mack: (Ditto.) Jodie, I'm sure the idle gossip of the common folk will not get in the way of running of our lands.

Jodie: I'm sure it won't but what the peasants talk about makes me wonder about Princess Li. They say she is beginning to jail those who are unable to pay their taxes.

Mack: Dear, there will always be those who are unable to pay their taxes.

Jodie: I know but didn't you see the last village we passed through. The inn, the stable and the blacksmith were closed, and the faces of the peasants were angry.

Mack: (Thinking.) Yea, I noticed that.

A voice from outside: Whoa!

Quinn: (From off screen. She sounds like she's panicking.) Please! Someone help me!

The carriage comes to a stop as Jodie and Mack look out the windows to see what is causing the commotion.

Ext. View: A road cutting through the forest. A tree has fallen across the road and Quinn is caught underneath it. A carriage with two horses and two guards is surrounded with four guards also on horseback. Jodie is seen sticking her head out of the carriage's door.

Quinn: (Acting like she's in pain.) Help me please! It's heavy!

Jodie: Help that poor child!

The four guards on horseback quickly dismount along with the two from the carriage. They run over to the fallen tree and begin to lift it. Quinn slides herself out of the way almost immediately. They begin to lift the tree off of the road.

Daria: (From off screen.) Don't strain yourselves now.

The six guards wheel around is surprise, dropping the tree. Daria and Jane stand there covering them with drawn swords while Brittany points her quarterstaff at the carriage's door. Some of the women of the forest surround the whole group from a distance. They all wear their new green outfits.

Daria: We don't want you to be carrying any loads that are too heavy.

Jane: (Smirks.) Think that maybe we should lighten their burdens for them, Cynic Hood?

Daria: (She rolls her eyes.) No, Scarlet. I'm not going to get them to strip again.

Jane: I wasn't talking about that. (Beat.) Although I must admit that I wouldn't mind seeing a few of them strip down to their birthday suits, I meant their weapons.

Daria: I think that that's a good idea, Scarlet. If I could ask the bunch of you to throw your swords into a pile over there. (She points with her sword.) Daggers also please.

The six guards slowly pull their swords and with disgusted looks on their faces throw them into a pile. The daggers quickly follow. Quinn gathers them up into a leather sack, straining to lift it. Brittany climbs up on the carriage while Daria, Jane and Quinn climb up on horses, Quinn grabbing the remaining horse's reins. Daria points her sword at the guards.

Daria: March.

The guards walk into the forest followed by the carriage and the rest of the group.

Ext. View: A clearing in the forest. A feast is taking place. The six guards are at one table off on the side eating while Lord Mack and Lady Jodie sit at the head table with Daria, Jane, Quinn, and Brittany. The women of the forest fill other tables scattered through the clearing. Platters of food fill the tables. Jane staggers to her feet.

Jane: (Partly toasted.) I wanna sing a song. (She takes a deep breath but Daria holds out an arm to stop her.) Maybe not. (She falls back to her seat.)

Jodie: (After taking a long swig.) Lady Daria, I must admit that this is one of the finest feasts I have ever been to. You do well here in the forest.

Daria: We do try. (She takes a bite of mutton and chews on it. She's completely sober.) Lord Mack, Lady Jodie. What brings you to the Sick Sad Forest?

Jane: (She stands.) I wanna sing a song for our guests. (She takes a deep breath but Daria again holds out an arm.) Maybe not yet. (She falls back to her seat.)

Mack: (Munching on an apple.) We were traveling to Lawndale County to stay with Princess Li.

Jodie: (Looking down into her wine.) Not that we wanted to.

Daria: Princess Li?

Mack: Yea, she's upset at us.

Jodie: We've been trying to convince her not to raise the taxes like she has.

Jane: (She stands, turns to Daria wavering a bit.) I said I wanna sing a song. (She takes a big breath but Daria holds out an arm to stop her.) You never let me have any fun. (She falls back to her seat.)

Mack: We told her that the peasants weren't able to pay them but she kept increasing the security measures and the taxes to support them. We've been raiding our treasury to cover what they haven't been able to pay but we ran out a few weeks ago.

Jodie: We're expecting Sheriff Lynn to come out and collect the taxes herself once Li discovers that the taxes have we've come up short.

Mack: And we know Sheriff Lynn will get her money or else put the peasants in jail.

Jodie: We've been able to shield our people so far but won't be able to any more.

Jane: (She stands.) I wanna sing a song and you can't stop me. (She takes a big breath but Daria holds out an arm to stop her.) Maybe you can. (She falls back to her seat.)

Mack: (He smirks.) Is she always like that when she's drunk?

Jane: I'm not drunk. I just want to sing. (She stands. She takes a big breath but Daria holds out an arm to stop her.) Maybe not. (She falls back to her seat.)

Daria: She's usually a good girl. (Jane's makes a loud belch.) We don't let her out of the house that often.

Jane: I am a good girl. (She leans over to Mack to whisper in his ear but passes out, practically falling on top of Mack. He turns to Jodie with a blush.)

Jodie: Don't get any ideas.

Mack: (He turns back to Daria.) So what happens now?

Daria: Quinn, please take Jane to her cot. (Quinn and a few members of Daria's group carry Jane off. Daria takes a drink giving her a chance to think.) Normally we would ask for the gold and silver that you carry before we let you go.

Mack and Jodie look at each other with faces of worry.

Mack: Um...

Jodie: All the money that we carry is to pay the taxes for our lands.

Mack: If we give you that money, that would just mean Sheriff Lynn would come to our lands quicker.

Daria: (She sits there for a few seconds playing with the handle on her wine mug.) I think we can work something out.

Ext. View: The trail through the forest. The four guards on horseback plus the two riding on the carriage are now stripped down to the long john underwear. They move along the trail.

Act #5

Ext. View: A pathway leading through a small collection of houses. The wanted posters of Daria are scattered on every available flat surface. We can see Princess Li's castle in the background. Jane and Brittany walk into view wearing some of the guard uniforms that they obtained with scarves around their necks. Jane carries her sword and Brittany her quarterstaff.

Brittany: I don't see why we have to come into town today, Scarlet.

Jane: (She sighs.) We have to see how many guards Sheriff Lynn has working around the town. That way we can tell Daria how many to expect on the next few caravans. (Beat.) Plus I want some fresh bread. I'm tired of eating deer meet and apples all the time.

Brittany nods as they make their way to a baker's hut.

Lynn: (From out of the shot.) You there!

Jane and Brittany turn at the voice. Lynn approaches on horseback. Jane gulps and quickly covers her face with the scarf.

Lynn: Why aren't you at your posts?

Brittany: (Twirling her hair.) Um, well...

Jane: (Disguising her voice.) The Princess' cook gave us money to get some bread.

Brittany: That's right!

Lynn: (Leaning forward in her saddle and taking another look at Jane.) Don't I know you?

Jane: (Making sure the scarf is in place.) You pass me every day at the gate, Sheriff. (She coughs and clears her throat noisily.) I'm just fighting a bad cold. It's flu season you know.

Sheriff Lynn takes another look at Jane and then shrugs. She sits back upright.

Lynn: I need two guards to watch over my manor while I'm in the forest hunting the outlaw, Cynic Hood. Since the two of you aren't doing anything important, I'm assigning that job to you. Is that clear?

Brittany: Um, is what clear?

Lynn: Watching over my house.

Brittany: Um, there's a watch over your house?

Lynn: (Trying not to get mad...) No, I want you two to guard my house while I'm gone. (...but failing at it.) Understand?

Brittany: You want a U2 tutu? Wouldn't Bono be upset?...

Jane: (Interrupting before Brittany can say anything else.) Yes, we do, Sheriff. We will go there right now.

Jane pulls Brittany along while Lynn looks after them. She shrugs again and then motions her horse off in the other direction.

Ext. View: Another path leading up a small hill to a nice looking two story house. A woman in an apron sits in a chair in front of the house peeling potatoes. Jane and Brittany walk up the path.

Brittany: But I thought we were supposed to get back to Lady Daria as soon as possible.

Jane: We are but this is a chance that we won't get again to do some damage. Who knows what we'll find in the Sheriff's home.

As they get closer to the hut, we see that the cook is angrily peeling off large portions of the potato's skin.

The Cook: (Mad as heck.) I gave him twenty two years, the best fifteen years of my life, and he just walks out on me for some teenaged bimbo barmaid. (She turns quickly and points her knife at Jane and Brittany who stop short at the sight of it.) Never trust a man you two. They'll just take your love and your trust and throw it to the wind.

Jane: Um, right. (She points at the knife and makes a motion to push it aside.) Do you think you can point that elsewhere?

The Cook: (She returns to peeling the potatoes.) Men are worthless pieces of trash. (Some poor unlucky sixty year old farmer has chosen this bad time to pass by in his ox cart. She screams out at him) YOU MAN! (He ducks down in his seat hurries away as chunks of peeled potatoes come flying after him.)

Jane: Um, right. The Sheriff sent us here to guard over his manor while he's gone.

The Cook: And that's another one. That damn Sheriff. Has that big huge trunk filled with gold and silver but do I get any of it? Hell no! (She slams down the knife into the chair she is sitting on, breaking the blade. She calms down and tries to continue her peeling. On discovering the condition of her knife, she tosses it over her shoulder and pulls out a new one.)

Brittany: (Twirling her hair.) Um, then why do you cook for her?

The Cook: It pays the bills. Goodness knows that greedy ex-husband left me with enough of them.

Jane: But surely you can get a better job instead of working for that scum, um, for the Sheriff. What is your name?

The Cook: Ms. Barch. And who might you be?

Jane: This is Little Brittany and I am Scarlet. We're lieutenants to Cynic Hood, the outlaw, and are looking for a few good women.

Barch: Cynic Hood? I have heard nothing but bad things about her.

Jane: If you have only heard bad things, you've only been listening to the Sheriff. Lady Daria resides in Sick Sad Forest simply to take from those who are well off in support of those in need. Maybe your master does not like that idea.

Barch: (Thinking.) I doubt that she would.

Brittany: Plus there aren't any men around.

Barch: (She thinks for a moment and then stands upright.) You're right. There's nothing here holding me to this place.

Jane and Barch begin to go off but Brittany just stands there thinking and twirling her hair. Jane turns back.

Jane: Little Brittany, come on. We're leaving.

Brittany: OK, but aren't you doing to do something about that trunk with the gold and silver in it?

Jane looks at Barch with confusion. Barch thinks for a second and then remembers what Brittany is taking about.

Barch: (Heading back to the manor.) We mustn't forget that. It will help the poor of Sick Sad Forest and the county.

Barch opens the front door and they head up the stairs. We enter the Sheriff's bedroom. The walls are painted in purple with crossbow bolts sticking out here and there, mostly centered on the window frame and the frames of the room's two doors. A four poster bed dominates the room with a desk, dresser, and footlocker are shoved against one wall. A pair of silver handcuffs lay on top of the purple bedspread. Barch, Jane, and Brittany come into the room through one of the doors.

Barch: The trunk's heavy. We'll all have to carry it.

Int. View: A good size tent about ten by ten feet. The flap is thrown up and Daria walks in followed by a very upset Jane.

Jane: What do you mean we have to give it all back? It's from the damn Sheriff. We got it fairly and she's one of the worst of the bunch.

Daria: Scarlet, we don't steal. We rob. There's a difference.

Jane: Really? Seems like we stole from Lord Mack and Lady Jodie a few days ago among the other caravans we've hit.

Daria: That's different. We gave them the chance to fight us, beat them fair and square and then still treated them to dinner. What you did was sneaky and underhanded.

Jane: (Grinning.) I know. Wasn't it great?

Jane grins at Daria but Daria just scowls. The smile slowly slides away from Jane's face.

Jane: I still don't see what we did wrong. I saw an opportunity of getting her out of the way for a short period of time, she left, and I made off with her stuff.

Daria: Scarlet, you went behind her back and against her trust. She might be out to get us but that doesn't mean we can act the same way she does.

Jane: OK, fine. (Beat.) What are we going to do about it?

Daria: I don't know yet...

Jane: (Beginning to look worried.) I'm not bringing it back. I don't think that would be a good idea.

Daria: Why? (Jane gets a sly smile on her face.) What else did you do?

Ext. View: The outside of the tent. A couple birds are resting on the edge along the top and some of Daria's people are walking by.

Daria: (Very loud from inside the tent.) YOU WHAT?!?

The birds fly away and the women take one look at the tent and walk away quickly.

Act #7

Int. view: The Great Hall. Many tables are scattered around the hall with Princess Li, Sheriff Lynn, Lord Mack, Lady Jodie and Bishop DeMartino seated at the head table while a sad, hungry looking Squire AP stands guard behind them. Other well dressed members of court fill out the head table while the lesser members are seated at the other tables. Servants continually bring in platters piled high with roasts and bowls piled high with exotic fruit. Sheriff Lynn finishes off a leg of some sort and chucks it over her shoulder, bouncing off the front of Squire AP and falling between a pair of hounds. They fight over the scraps, almost knocking over the poor squire. Princess Li throws back her mug of mead and slams the empty container against the table, smacking her lips. She belches loudly.

Li: (Wiping her mouth off on her sleeve.) Tell me Sheriff, how does the hunt for the outlaw Lady Daria go?

Lynn: (She makes a frown. She had been enjoying the feast before she got reminded about her current problem. She picks at a drumstick.) It goes. The reward has been posted and the peasants have been warned that anyone harboring the rebel shall be punished along side her. (Beat.) She hit three more caravans this week. (Beat.) Along with my manor.

Li: The peasants can't hold out that long. Soon they will give up on this outlaw else they will all be jailed. (She takes a big bite out of the leg of mutton and chews.) If they still won't betray her, we shall just give them more encouragement. Lop off a few heads or something like that.

DeMartino: I still can't BELIEVE that a simple lady of the COURT has give the best WARRIORS England has to offer the SLIP.

Lynn: (Looking pissed that she has to cover herself.) We will capture her soon. The county is not that big.

DeMartino: It seems to ME that as long as she stays in that FOREST of hers, she can HIDE from the likes of YOU.

Sheriff Lynn gives the bishop a dirty scowl. We hear a loud commotion from outside of the hall. Heads turn as Sheriff Lynn rises from her seat, drops her chicken and begins to draw her sword. Other knights and lords also rise from their seats, drawing their swords, while trying to look out into the hallway.

Lynn: Who makes such a racket? Guards, put an end to it!

The three J's dressed as castle guards and holding spears rush out the door to stop the noise. After a second, the three come flying backwards into the room falling on their backsides. Lady Daria walks into the room holding a few trays of food. She marches directly up to the head table, stopping in front of the Princess Li.

Daria: Princess Li. Excuse me for not bowing in your presence but these trays are hot and I am afraid that I will spill them if I do not pay attention to them.

Li: (Jumping to her feet in anger.) What is this? How dare you just walk into this castle and interrupt our feast? (She looks around the room.) Who is this? And why does she look like my sheriff?

Lynn: (If looks could kill. She returns her sword to her scabbard.) The Lady Daria, my lord.

Daria: (Looks toward Lynn.) Sheriff Lynn, a pleasure as always. You will again have to excuse me for not bowing. I apologize for what happened with your manor and your cook. It appears that some of my people were a little over zealous in their actions. In case you wonder, the deer my younger sister shot earlier was excellent eating. We saved you a prime cut of the venison. Would you like it delivered to your quarters?

Lynn: (She's tearing apart a drumstick in her hands.) No, I'm sure you can feed yourself on it this evening. You are not welcome here.

Daria: (Looking around as best as she can while loaded down.) But is this not a feast for all the nobility of the county? Surely you must have just forgotten to send me an invitation. I'm sure you remember where I live. Of course, how silly of me. You burned my father's castle to the ground. I forgot. And here I come all this way with food for the feast.

Li: Your family's lands were forfeited to the crown while you were gone. Your father was unwilling to collect the taxes that were enacted to support my, um, the county's troops.

Daria: You mean he didn't want to line your pockets.

Li turns bright red on this and sputters some.

DeMartino: (He hasn't been paying attention to the previous lines. All he has done is stare at the trays of food in Daria's hands.) What did you bring, Lady Daria?

Daria: (She begins to place the trays of food on the table.) Your grace, it is an entree that I discovered during my journey to the Crusades. It is called lasagna. The peasants and the nobility in that part of the world find it a delicacy.

DeMartino: (He picks up a fork and starts poking at it.) Sounds interesting. What's it made out of?

Daria: Noodles, tomatoes, and cheese. Some eat it with bacon on the side. Please try some and tell the court your opinion.

Li: You have a lot of guts to come walking in her unannounced. Surely, you have heard of the amount on your head.

Daria: One hundred gold crowns? I must not worry you that much if that's all you're willing to give up for my head.

Daria picks up a tray of lasagna, walks over to an empty seat at the end of the head table, sits down bumping the lord who was sitting there, puts her feet up on the table, and begins eating using her dagger. The entire court glares as one although a few sneak a look at her shapely legs in those tights.

DeMartino: (Eating away.) You know, this is pretty good.

Daria: I'm glad you liked it, your grace.

Li: (Getting really mad now. She points to Daria and yells out to the court.) Would someone please arrest her?

Daria: They know they can't, Princess Li. (She takes another byte and smirks as she chews.)

Li: And why not? (She turns back to the court.) Two hundred gold pounds! (Beat.) Why do you just stand there?

Lynn: Because this is a feast. Truces are called during feasts. We can not attack her, as she can not do the same to us. (Beat.) It's an English thing.

Li: (Almost screams it.) Five hundred gold pieces!

Daria: And it's not honorable.

This gets through to Princess Li and she sits down in her throne.

Lynn: (An aside to Li.) You don't have to be nice to her. And as soon as she leaves the castle, she out from under the truce and we can attack her then.

Li: (Sitting down and picking up a goblet.) So tell me, Lady Daria. I'm sure you wouldn't have come here unless you had something to say to me.

Daria: (Still sitting with her feet up on the table munching on some lasagna.) Well, I must admit that I'm not very happy with the way you treated my parents. I made a promise to myself that I would see the ones who put them to death also die.

After a second, what Daria just said sinks into the knight's heads and they rise again with swords partly drawn. They look towards the Sheriff for instructions but she makes a small movement with her hand. They slowly sit, their anger brewing.

Li: That's mighty strong words, Lady Daria. I would almost call it a threat. Wouldn't you?

Daria: (She takes a bite of lasagna and chews while thinking over her next words.) No, I wouldn't call it a threat. (She takes a goblet from the next table setting over and takes a swig.) I would call it a promise. You don't have any bread to go along with this, do you?

The Sheriff makes a small motion with her hand. A blond haired servant wearing glasses and a tunic with the picture of a large head printed on the front carries over a bowl of bread and lets Daria pick out a couple of pieces. He retreats afterwards.

Li: You seem mighty sure of yourself. Within this castle and this county, you are a wanted outlaw and criminal. The castle holds over fifty guards and this very hall some of the best knights in the kingdom.

Daria takes a look around the room at the various knights. Most of them are still brewing in anger at her. Daria finishes her lasagna, takes another swig of wine, wipes her mouth off with a napkin and stands. She slowly walks past the sitting knights.

Daria: These knights? (She turns to one.) Lord Buzzcut, who was the one who helped you when your grain supply burned to the ground and your peasants were going to go hungry?

Buzzcut: (His face softens.) Your family did, Lady Daria.

Daria: (She moves on to the next knight.) And you, Lord Van Dreisen. Who helped you wife when she had the twins?

Van Dreisen: You and your mother, Lady Helen, my Lady.

Daria: (Continuing down the table.) And you, Lord McVicker. I know we helped your family out.

McVicker: Yes, your family has. (He looks quickly over at Li and then back at Daria. He hands his head so not to look in her eyes.) But things have changed, Lady Daria.

Daria: (She sighs.) Yes, they have. (She moves over to the head table to stand in front of Princess Li.)

Li: You play a dangerous game, Lady Daria. Perhaps you should just give yourself up and make it easier on yourself.

Lynn: You know you can't win.

Daria looks around at the gathered knights and the guards. We see that some of them are slowly working their way to the head table to cut her off from any possible escape.

Daria: (She smirks.) Oh really?

Daria raises her hand and a thick rope rolls down from the over head balcony. She grabs hold and is pulled upwards just as the knights and the guards converge on her. Daria climbs over the edge of the balcony and is greeted by Jane and Brittany along with another five of her group. They drop the rope and begin to pull out swords and quarterstaffs.

Daria: Thanks. Got our way mapped out of here? (She pulls her own sword.)

Jane: Down the stairs, through the front gate, and out over the draw bridge?

Daria: (She nods.) Sounds like a plan to me. Let's get out of here.

Daria, Jane, and Brittany take the lead with the others protecting their flanks and the rear. The three J's block their descent but a simple foot shoved against each of their chests disables them. The women continue down the stairs to land on the main floor of the castle. Lords and Ladies are running all around but no one is paying them any attention.

Daria: (Looking around at the chaos.) I take it that the diversion is going well?

Jane: (Also looking around.) I would imagine.

Ext. View: Outside looking at the castle. It is covered in paint of all different colors. A loud THONG is heard and a large bladder is seen flying through the air towards the castle impacting against the wall. A second thong noise is heard as another bladder flies through the air.

Int. View: Another castle hallway. Andrea is standing by a window looking at the court members running by. As she turns towards the window to look out, a look of horror crosses her face. A shot out the window shows the bladder coming directly at the camera. The bladder impacts against the window, knocking it open. Bright neon yellow paint from the bladder covers Andrea and the surrounding area.

Ext. View: The forest near by. Two large rubber bands are stretched between two sets of trees. Quinn commands one band while Tiffany commands the other one. Two women pull back on each band while a third places a new bladder in the crux of each one. Quinn and Tiffany aim their bands almost at the same time and gives the fire command. Two more bladder bombs go flying into the air and are heard splattering against the castle in the distance. A cheer goes up among the rest of the group who are watching while the crews ready two more bladders.

Quinn: Anyone see them yet? This paint is hard to wash off and I don't want to hit them with it.

Stacy: I think I see them coming up the hill.

Tiffany: Make... sure... that... it's... them.

A few of the ladies go off with swords drawn as two more bladders are launched. They thud against the walls and another cheer goes up. Daria and group come into the shot with their escorts just as another pair of bladders are launched. One thuds against the castle but the other one causes a guard to give a high pitched scream. All of the women make "OW!" faces.

Jane: Ow, that's gotta hurt.

Daria: Only you Scarlet. (She turns to the rest of her people.) OK, we're done enough to paint the town. Let's go.

They gather up their equipment and retreat into the darkness.

It's just an Act?
I thought it was the real thing!

Ext. View: Deep in the forest along a trail. Sheriff Lynn and a small group of guards, including the three J's, are mounted on horseback as they travel through the forest in a group. All of them still show the remains of the paint attack on their faces and their armor. Lynn has a bright green face.

Lynn: (She's in a foul mood.) Be careful, men. They're sneaky bastards.

As soon as Lynn finishes saying that, some of Daria's people begin falling from the trees, taking out the guards that surround the Sheriff. Lynn draws her sword and waits for someone to charge her but no one does. Once all the guards are out cold and their swords confiscated, Jane steps out of the trees and takes the reins of Lynn's horse. She is dressed again in the stolen guard's uniform with the scarf around her face.

Lynn: (Looking closely at Jane.) I remember you.

Jane removes the scarf.

Jane: Sheriff Lynn, the Lady Daria requests your presence at a dinner in your honor this evening. We insist that you attend. (Beat.) Green face and all.

Lynn: (She scowls at Jane but doesn't respond to the comment.) What about my men?

Jane: They have not been harmed nor will they be. Once they wake up, I'm sure they will travel back to the castle. I must insist though that you wear this blindfold. (She removes the scarf from her neck and holds it up to Lynn.)

Lynn: I seem to remember another time you gave me your word.

Jane: I do believe that if you recall, I never said anything about giving you my word. This time I do and I promise you that no harm will become of you.

Jane holds out the scarf again. Lynn scowls at it. Jane sighs.

Jane: Please, Sheriff, hurry up. It's almost dinnertime and I am hungry. We waited a long time for you this afternoon in the hot sun.

Lynn looks over her men noticing that they haven't been harmed and at Daria's people surrounding her. She sighs and leans over to accept the blindfold.

Pitch Black. We hear the noise of a great number of people in the background. They sound happy.

Jane: (From off screen.) We're almost there. Just a few more feet. There. Why don't you sit down on this tree stump until I get this blindfold off of you? Now let me get it off of you.

Light peeks in from around the blindfold as Jane pulls it back. It's like we're looking through Lynn's eyes. We are deep in the forest where a large number of tents are set up around a clearing. A small group of women are off in one direction eating hunks of mutton around a campfire. At another fire, a group is singing in along with a guitar player. Some youngsters run through chasing a playful dog.

Jane: I am sorry about the tree root you tripped over. If you just wait a sec... Ah, here she comes now.

Jane stands upright and turns to see Daria and Quinn walking towards them. Lynn stands up.

Lynn: I demand to know where I am.

Daria: Sheriff, you are deep within Sick Sad Forest and you are a guest at dinner. You have been treated fairly and with the utmost politeness. (Beat. Turning to Jane.) We didn't have any problems coming in, did we?

Jane: Just a minor tree root that we tripped over together. I caught her as she fell.

Daria: (Turning back to Lynn.) I am sorry about that. You're not hurt, are you?

Lynn: (She pauses for a second.) No, I am fine. Your assistant is pretty soft. (Jane rubs her shoulder and her arm.) May I ask what I am doing here?

Daria: You are here because I feel my associates treated you unfairly a few days ago. It is not my policy to rob blindly from anyone who comes along. I feel that they must be giving at least a small chance to defend themselves. You were not given this chance. While I am unable to return the items that were taken from you, I had to do at least something. I do hope you will join us for dinner.

Quinn: (An aside to Jane.) They do look a lot alike, don't they? (Jane nods.)

Lynn: And if I say no to this dinner?

Daria: Then you will sit at the table with your hands tied to the chair and watch us polish off the food as you go hungry. (Beat.) Like many of the peasants in this county.

Lynn draws herself up and looks like she wants to argue the point of the peasants but decides against it. She slowly nods her head.

Lynn: Dinner it is then, please.

Daria: Good, will you please follow me?

They all walk off together, Jane and Brittany bringing up the rear.

Ext. View: A roughly made table covered with food. Other tables are arranged in a circle surrounding a firepit. A pit slowly rotates over the fire turned by Ms. Barch. Lady Daria, Sheriff Lynn, Jane Scarlet, Lady Quinn, and Little Brittany sit at the head table. Members of Daria's band fill in the other seats. Daria uses her dagger and cuts a large portion of meat off of a roast in front of her placing it on a plate. She passes it over to Lynn, sitting beside her. Lynn pulls out her own dagger but notices something before she starts.

Lynn: (Shocked.) This is my plate from my manor! (Looking around.) And the rest of these dishes are mine as well. (She shoves her chair back and she comes to her feet. She's annoyed.) How dare you feed me food on plates that you have stolen from me!

The entire head table looks at the Sheriff, shrug as one and continue their eating. When she discovers that the matter will not be discussed, she sits down again and tears a chuck of meat out of the roast slab in front of her, chewing it angrily. A silver cup is passed by her, which she grabs. We can assume that it came from her manor also.

Ext. View: Another place in the forest. A number of horses are tethered here. Daria leads a blindfolded Lynn into view. They stop as Daria removes Lynn's blindfold and stand there facing each other.

Lynn: You know I could probably kill you right now if I attacked. No one is near by to come to your aid.

Daria: Whatever happened to having a truce during feasts?

Lynn: (She lays her hand on her sword.) I believe dinner is over.

Daria: So it is. Do you plan to kill me now?

Lynn stands there thinking this over. Lynn slowly removes the hand from her sword.

Lynn: No, I guess not. (Beat.) You know we are both very much a like. It would be interesting to sit down and compare notes one day.

Daria: I would like that as well but under the current conditions, I do not see it happening.

Lynn: (She sounds sad about this.) Nor do I. (She climbs onto her horse. Daria unties the reins and hands them to Lynn.) In another time, I might even be able to call you sister. (She leans forward as if she is patting her horse but is really whispering in Daria's ear.) You may want to tell that Scarlet chick I spotted her in the bushes as you took my blindfold off.

Daria: (Also whispering.) So did I. (Back in her normal voice.) Until we meet again, Sheriff Lynn.

Lynn: Likewise Daria. (Beat and then with a smirk.) Lady Daria.

Lynn turns her horse and they go off. Daria stands there and watches her go. She sighs, turns and walks directly to a certain bush.

Daria: You can come out now, Scarlet. You're not fooling anyone.

Jane: (Rising from the bush, a branch and some leaves stuck in her hair.) I though maybe you needed some back up just in case she tried anything.

Daria shrugs as they walk back to camp.

Act #Whatever Minus 1 :)

Int. View: Princess' Li castle. Sheriff Lynn, her face now a lighter shade of green, is walking through the castle with the three J's as guards behind her. Knight Kevin is seated in a chair while Squire AP struggles to get his armor off of him. The Sheriff turns and enters the Great Hall. She comes to stop in front of a stone statue of herself standing in the middle of the hall. She looks at it from all sides, noticing an exaggerated bust line on it, which she scowls at. She takes another look at it and turns back to the guards.

Lynn: It doesn't look a think like me. (She points to the bust.) And what the Hell are those?

Joey: I believe they are called breasts, my lady.

Lynn: I know that they are breasts. But what are they doing on a statue of me?

Jeffy: (He shrugs.) Maybe it's a statue of Cynic Hood. I mean you two do look a like.

Lynn: Cynic Hood? We don't look anything alike. (She gives them the look.) Remember that, we don't look anything alike. Got that?

Jamie: Um, sure Sheriff.

The doors open again and Princess Li walks into the chamber. The guards bow deeply while Lynn simply nods her head.

Li: I see you have seen the new statue of you I had commissioned.

Lynn: Yes sire. I am still at a loss as to why we needed it. I am but a lowly sheriff after all.

Li: Nonsense. The work that you do brings honor to LAWNdale County.

Lynn: If you say so, Princess.

Li: So Sheriff, how does the tax collection go?

Lynn: Sire, it does not go well. It appears that the peasants have gotten it into their heads that they can withhold their tax money from us. Plus the ones that have actually paid their taxes have been pulling their money out of thin air.

Li: (Thinking this over.) How do you think they are able to get their money?

Lynn: I am beginning to think that this Cynic Hood is supplying them with the gold crowns that they need. She has successfully raided a number of caravans and travelers as they make their way through Sick Sad Forest.

Li sighs and walks over to her table. She sits down in the throne behind it and thinks for a few seconds.

Li: (Getting mad.) You know I'm getting sick of hearing that name. I take it you have been unable to capture her, Sheriff Lynn. Even after that incident at the feast?

Lynn: No, sire. She escaped capture then and also from my patrols in the forest. We have also been unable to capture any of her men.

Li: What is your excuse this time, Sheriff?

Lynn: I don't have one, sire. Every time we've met, she has been able to over power my guards and get away.

Li sits there and steams for a few seconds. Her gaze passes along the three J's and takes in their bruised faces.

Li: Since it seems that you and your men are unable to capture her, maybe we should use some outside help.

Lynn: As much as it pains me, I have to agree with you.

Li removes an empty parchment from a pile, dips a quill in an ink bottle and begins to write.

Li: My contacts in the Royal court have informed me of a very good troubleshooter. I think someone of his caliber is what we need for this problem.

She finishes writing the note, rolls it up, and seals it with wax. She hands the note to Joey.

Li: See to it that that note leaves immediately on the fastest horse with the swiftest rider we have. It must get to the Royal Court as soon as possible.

The three J's bow as one and leave the room quickly.

Li: Now then. It will take a little while for that troubleshooter to show up. (She stands up and leans towards Lynn.) I strongly suggest you and your men get out there into the forest and do your best to capture that outlaw. Maybe you can change the way I feel about you.

Lynn: Yes, sire.

Li sits back down and begins to work on her paperwork as Lynn storms out of the hall.

Ext. View: The hallway of the castle. Lynn slams the door as she looks around for something else to do damage upon. See then spies Kevin and AP. AP is still struggling to get Kevin's armor off of him. She stomps up to them.

Lynn: (She points at AP.) You! My chambers this evening! Seven o'clock! (She turns her gaze to Kevin. She makes a sick face before pointing at him as well. Her voice takes on a disgusted tone.) You! Seven thirty! (Beat.) Bring a friend.

She stomps off while AP and Kevin look at each other trying to figure out what just happened.

Act #Whatever :)

Ext. View: A figure dressed in the rough, dark brown robe of a monk, the hood completely covering his or her head and the hands tucked into the sleeves, is slowly walking down a dirt road deep in the forest. Behind him a horse pulls a heavily leaden wagon filled to the top with large wooden casks and smaller wooden crates. The horse keeps pace with the monk even though he does nothing to guide it. Some of Daria's women, carrying bows and quarterstaffs, drop down from the trees behind the wagon. The figure takes no notice of this continuing to walk through the forest until he stops suddenly. He lifts his head slightly. The women behind the wagon freeze in place.

The monk: (He has a deep, solemn voice but it sounds like he's forcing it. The voice travels even though he does not speak that loudly.) I know you are planning an ambush. Show yourselves. Do not waste this knight's time anymore.

The thuds of a pair of people jumping out of the trees nearby are heard. Daria and Jane appear coming in from opposite corners. They look at the monk with surprise on their faces. They turn to each other, shrug and return their gaze to the mysterious man. The rest of the group begins to tighten their circle around the wagon.

Jane: Um, who are you?

The monk: I am the one you seek. I am the one you have spent your entire lives searching for. I am the one.

Jane: Sure as hell ain't the Avon lady.

Jane and Daria look again at each other with questions on their faces. They both turn to the left and look off screen for a second, eyebrows raised, before returning to the monk.

The monk: Look deep, deep in your hearts and you will find the answers.

Daria: Excuse me but who the hell are you?

The monk: Hell, my lady? Certainly not. Maybe a slice of heaven...

The camera angle changes to show the view from behind the monk. He reaches up with a hand and pulls down his hood. Bright orange hair pours out from underneath. Jane and Daria looked shocked.

Jane and Daria together: Upchuck!

The camera returns to its old position and we see that it is Upchuck within the robes with a big grin on his face. He returns his hands to the sleeves.

Upchuck: Hello, my pretties. It is I, O'bi Wan...

Daria: Friar Ruttheimer.

Upchuck: No, my lady. My name is O'bi...

Jane: (Getting a tad angry.) Ruttheimer. Your name is Friar Ruttheimer.

Upchuck: (His smile falters some.) I assume you ma'am. I know my own name. Friar Ruttheimer is such a boring name for a Jedi...

Daria: (Also getting pissed.) You're not a Jedi... (She pauses for a second and gains control of herself.) You're a monk. A twelfth century monk. Remember the script?

Jane: Remember the script read where you tried to pull this? Also remember what we told you what was going to happen if you tried it again?

Upchuck: (He shrugs.) I thought the script needed some work.

Daria: Of course it needs help. Looks who's writing it.

Jane: But not like this. (She shakes her head.) A Jedi knight in medieval times? Sheeze.

Daria: Upchuck, please follow the script.

Upchuck: (He looks worried.) Um...

Daria: You do remember the script, right?

Jane: You did read the script, right?

Upchuck stands there turning red. Daria and Jane look at each other and sigh. Daria turns away from the shot, makes a motion to someone out of the shot, and a large script is tossed to her. She finds the page that they are on and hands it over to Upchuck. He scans the page looking for his place.

Jane: Stop, man of God. You have entered Sick Sad Forest, the home of Cynic Hood and her band of Wonderful Women.

Upchuck: Wonderful Women? Hmmm... (Daria and Jane glare at him and he quickly looks at his script.) Um, where am I? Oh yea. (Reading.) Please don't hurt me, dear lady, for I am but a simple, humble man of the cloth.

Daria: What brings you to our forest, poor friar?

Upchuck: (Still reading.) I travel to Oakwood with my load of church wine. Pat a keg. (He looks up at Daria and Jane not understanding. They make a couple of sly motions towards him trying to clue him in.) Oh! (He turns around and pats a keg.)

Jane: (She raises an eyebrow.) Church wine, huh? (She looks at the load in the wagon.) I see the casks but what's with the crates?

Upchuck: (Still reading the script. He can't find the line Jane just said and looks up at her.) The crates?

Daria: (Smirking.) Yea, Friar. What's with the crates? (She calls out.) What's in the boxes, ladies?

Tiffany pokes her head up from the wagon. During the last few lines, she has climbed up on the wagon.

Tiffany: (She opens a crate.) Um, looks... like... some... magazines.

Daria and Jane look at each other with smirks. Upchuck is turning red.

Jane: Oh, some magazines. I wonder what kind.

Daria: Do you have any doubt?

Quinn: (She has also climbed up on the wagon.) Looks like Wine Jugs... and Medieval Chests... and PlayBarMaid. (She opens up a magazine and her eyes go wide.) Will you look at that!

Tiffany: Why... don't... they... have... any... clothes... on?

Quinn turns the page. Both Quinn's and Tiffany's eyes go even wider.

Quinn: Oh, my god!

Tiffany: (Hey, wow! She can talk normally.) What are those three women doing together?

All the women turn as one to glare at Upchuck. He has been slowly sliding away but comes to a halt after backing into Mrs. Johanson who stands a foot taller than he does. She crosses her arms and looks down on Upchuck. He gulps.

Daria: What's in the other crates? (Beat.) And it better not be any more magazines.

Upchuck gulps while Tiffany and Quinn pry open some more crates. They start pulling out small pieces of cardboard with something attached to the front.

Quinn: (Looking at one of the items.) Hey, they're like little dolls or figurines. This one looks like Sheriff Lynn.

Tiffany: (Still talking normally.) And this one looks... Oops. I... mean... this... one... looks... like... Princess... Li.

Quinn passes down an open crate filled with the dolls. Daria pulls a couple dolls out of the crate and looks at them.

Daria: And this one is of that witch Andrea who lives in Princess Li's castle. And, hey, this one looks like you, Scarlet.

Daria smirks as she holds up the doll for Jane to see. She turns red, glares at Upchuck, draws her sword and starts walking towards Upchuck with it pointed at him. Upchuck gulps in terror.

Upchuck: Lady Scarlet, what are you doing?

Daria: Scarlet, let him go. It's not worth the trouble. (Beat.) Or the insurance paperwork.

Jane glares at Upchuck who is now shaking slightly but returns her sword to her scabbard. She walks back to Daria's side while Upchuck's knees sag a bit.

Daria: (She holds up a pair of dolls that looks like herself and Bishop DeMartino.) Care to explain this, Friar?

Upchuck: (Nervous.) Um, they're for the needy kids here in the county.

Jane: (She pulls out a Squire AP doll and smiles slightly.) More like they're for the needy purse in your robes you mean.

Upchuck: No, I assure you.

Jane: (She's pulling out her hand from inside her robe.) [13] I think we can make sure that these dolls will go to the correct needy people. Don't you, Lady Daria?

Daria: (She smirks again as she reaches across and pulls the Squire AP doll from out of Jane's tunic and returns it to the crate. Jane blushes as Daria hands the crate back up to Quinn.) I think they'll be a wonderful gift for the children of the villages. Quinn, why don't you bring this wagon back to camp while Jane and I talk to the good Friar.

Quinn: What about the casks of wine?

Daria: We will enjoy them with our dinner.

Tiffany and Quinn climb down to the wagon's seat and drive the wagon out of the shot. Daria and Jane stand beside Upchuck while the rest of the women go off with the wagon.

Daria: So what are we going to do with the good Friar, Scarlet?

Jane: I know what I want to do with him.

Upchuck: Rowwr! Feisty!

Jane glares at him and starts to pull her sword out again. Daria stops her with a hand. Jane sighs and lets go of her sword.

Daria: We have a need for a man of the cloth to help minister to the members of our group.

Upchuck: Um, I'm not that type of preacher.

Jane: (Smirking.) Oh, all the women will be disappointed.

Upchuck: (An eyebrow goes up.) Women?

Daria: Yes, our group is made up of all women. About sixty so far. They've been without their husbands and boyfriends for quite a while now.

Upchuck: Well, I can't overlook a group needing to hear the good word.

Jane: Yes, our group needs to be ministered to. You couldn't believe how lonely they have been.

Daria: And there are a number of good looking women with us.

Upchuck: (Grinning now.) Are there?

Jane: Hey Daria. It's a pity though that friars have to be celibate.

Upchuck: (His face falls.) Celibate?

Daria: Yes, celibate. That means no sex, Friar. (She sighs.) And there are a few good looking ones just waiting for a new husband to come along.

Upchuck: (The script falls to the ground.) Um...

Jane: That shouldn't bother you though. I mean you are a man of the cloth. They must train you for stuff like that, right?

Upchuck: (Looking shocked.) No sex? Surrounded by all those women?

Daria: (With a smirk.) You should be used to that by now, Friar Ruttheimer.

Upchuck: Um, yes. I should be. (He sighs and then continues with a disappointed voice.) I would be happy to minister to your flock, Cynic Hood.

Daria: And you shall start tomorrow.

Upchuck: Tomorrow?

Jane: It's Sunday. (Beat.) Even I know that Sunday is the Lord's day.

Daria and Jane each grab a side of the Friar and led him off in his daze.

Act #Whatever + 1 :)

The three J's coming running down a hallway and start pounding on a door. We hear the loud cry of frustration from beyond the door as the three J's back up with worry on their faces. The door flies open and Lynn stands there draped in a bed sheet with an angry look on her pale green face. A male is within her chamber tied spread eagle to the bed but we are unable to tell who it is. A low moan emulates from the male as his head wobbles from side to side.

Lynn: (Can you say pissed?) WHAT?!?

Joey: Um, Princess Li sent us.

Lynn: (Waiting for more but she has to drag it out of them.) AND?!?

Jeffy: Um, the person she sent for from London has just arrived.

Lynn: And she wants me to meet this person right away, right?

Jamie: (The three J's nod like their heads are going to come off.) She said right away, Sheriff.

Lynn: (She sighs.) OK, let her know I'm in the middle of something and won't be down for fifteen minutes. (A loud moan comes from within the room.) Ten minutes.

The door slams as the three J's run off with their message. The moans become louder and turn into muffled screams shortly afterwards. Kevin walks up to the door and knocks on it. A cry of anger comes from the bedroom as Kevin slowly backs away, a scared look on his face. He runs just as Lynn yanks open the door again to bite off the head of whomever is out there. Not finding anyone, she slams the door shut again.

Int. View: The Great Hall. Princess Li is seated in her throne working on paperwork and eating meat off of a dagger every few lines. Sheriff Lynn walks into the room and stands in front of the table waiting for Li to notice her. After a few minutes, Li looks up.

Li: Well, whatever you were doing didn't take ten minutes. I hope whatever it was, wasn't too hard.

Lynn: (A slight smirk.) Not after I was done with it.

Li: Well that's good I guess. As I have always said, no task is too small. My hirelings must be able to take a firm grasp at...

Lynn: (Interrupting.) Please my lady. Let's not go there.

Li: (She shrugs but continues.) The troubleshooter from London arrived in Lawndale a short time ago. I would like you to meet him as soon as possible.

Lynn: (She shrugs.) Fine with me. Where is he?

A male voice: Right behind you.

The click of a crossbow being set is heard. Lynn's eyes go wide as her right leg kicks back between the legs of the man standing behind her. The troubleshooter is prepared for this and easily sidesteps this attack. Lynn drops to the ground, rolling over to face her attacker, a leg brought back to kick again. The point of the crossbow's quarrel sticks in her face.

The male voice: Sheriff Lynn I presume? My name is Tom.

Lynn: Um, Tom. (A slight smirk.) Is that with an 'h' or without?

Tom: (He rolls his eyes.) Let's not start that again, shall we?

Lynn: You have a strange way of greeting people.

Tom lowers the crossbow and holds out a hand to Lynn. She looks at it for a second and then picks herself up off of the floor without his help. Tom just shrugs and safeties his crossbow.

Tom: I have to know the level of expertise of the people I will be working with. This is the easiest way to do so. I meant no harm.

Li: Sheriff, I want you to assist Tom in any way he asks. We have to do something about those rebels sitting safely in Sick Sad Forest.

Lynn: I'm open for ideas. Nothing that I've come up with so far has worked.

Tom: It seems to me that the problem is you're going into the forest to search for them. They're on their own turf which they know very well, they can set up any ambush they want and you just have to walk into it. We have to find a way to draw them out of the forest.

Lynn: Nice reasoning but how do we draw them out of there? They have everything. Food, water, shelter, clothing. The peasants give them anything else that they need. They can stay in there for as long as they want to.

Tom: It sounds like you know their operation, Sheriff.

Lynn: They ambushed a patrol I was riding with and captured me. They blindfolded me and brought me to their campsite. They are very well organized.

Tom: (Thinking.) If they are that well set up, they probably have a pretty good defensive plan as well. Getting them out of the forest sounds more and more like the way to go on this one.

Li: But how do we get them out of there?

Tom: That's easy. We just have to give them a reason.

Lynn: Like?