Cynix Hood

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Daria and crew relive the Robin Hood legend. Partly unfinished.


(The Daria – Jane Conspiracy)

In association with

The Dovet Memorial Fund


Dr. Mike Productions

Very proudly presents:

Cynic Hood

– or –

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Green.

Written and Directed by:

Dr. Michael Wendell, D.Su.

Act #1

We start with a black screen. The number ‘1192’ appears along the bottom of the screen as very loud religious chanting in a Middle Eastern language is heard, filling the speakers. A view of a Middle Eastern city from over a hundred feet in the air fades into view as the chanting grows in strength. We begin to slowly slide forward through the air finally coming to rest about twenty feet away from a tall prayer tower. A Jewish monk stands facing towards the east on the narrow walkway that surrounds the tower. He bellows the morning prayers over the city.

Int. View: A dark, damp stone stairwell lit only by a single torch, a heavy wooden door stands at the top. Sand covers every flat surface accumulating in the corners. A small rodent hurries across a stair stopping to sniff at a possible tidbit. Over the sound of the chanting, the tinkle of keys is heard, as the heavy door is unlocked and slammed open. A large brute of a man descends the staircase kicking the door shut with his foot. He drags along a prisoner dressed in a simple sack as a tunic with another covering the head, a few strands of long red hair escaping. The brute yanks on the chains that bind the prisoner’s hands together as he drags her through the endless passageways past more torches and locked doors. The hands of a few unseen prisoners jut out here and there. He only pauses to kick another small rodent out of his way. We hear the occasional moan of pain, the snap of the whip, the shriek of agony, and the pleading for a swift death. The brute turns a corner, pulling sharply at his helpless prisoner, and knocks at another heavy wooden door.

Voice 1: (Through the door.) Heh heh.

Voice 2: (Also through the door.) Shut up, Butt Munch.

The Brute: (Yelling through the door.) Open this door.

Voice 1: Heh heh.

Voice 2: Um, we’re not home right now. So, um, go away.

The Brute: (Annoyed now, he pounds on the door shaking it.) Open this door, you sons of camel dung! I know you’re in there.

Voice 1: Heh heh. He said dung. Heh heh.

Voice 2: Heh heh. What’s the password?

The Brute: We don’t have any password. Now open up!

Voice 1: Heh heh.

Voice 2: Heh heh. Pull my finger and I’ll open up.

Voice 1: (Getting excited.) Heh heh. Pull! Pull! Pull!

The Brute pounds on the door again and it finally opens. He looks annoyed as he drags the prisoner through the door.

Int. View: A small dungeon room. Prisoners dressed in filthy sackcloth line the edge of the room, sitting on rough stone benches or on the sandy, hard floor. They are linked by chains, which are attached to a large ring set into the wall. One jailer, wearing a leather tunic with the word ‘Metallurgical’ written across it, stands in the middle of the room, a bullwhip in his hand. The other jailer, also wearing a leather tunic but with the words ‘Camel Power’ across its front, shuts the door and moves to stand by his partner. The Brute drags the new prisoner into the room and stops.

The Brute: I have another one of those English swine for you to play with. (He smiles showing his missing teeth as he yanks at the prisoner’s chains.) This one’s a sow. Maybe you can milk her like the swine that she is.

Jailer 1: (Formally Voice 1.) Heh heh. We’re going score!

Jailer 2: (Formally Voice 2. He leans over and whacks the first jailer.) Shut up Butt Munch. You don’t know how to score.

The Brute: (He shoves the female into the hands of the two jailers.) Just keep her alive so we can cut off her head later. (He reaches across to the prisoner to pull the hood off.) That’s what we do to English scum like you.

The hood is jerked off and we see a full head of messy reddish hair with some glasses sticking out. After a second, she throws her hair back as we now see the face of a very dirty and very mad Daria.

Daria: (In a very fake English accent dripping with sarcasm.) Thank you for your wonderful hospitality. I hope to see you again. (Beat.) At the end of my sword as I impale you on it.

The Brute backhands Daria hard across the face. She would fall to the ground if not for the chains around her hands, which are still held by Jailer 2.

Jailer 2: (Impressed.) Whoa.

Jailer 1: (Getting excited.) Hit her again! Hit her again! [2]

The Brute: (Looking down at Daria who is glaring back, the mark of his hand on her cheek.) Just take care of her. (He spits on the ground near Daria as he leaves the room.)

Jailer 1: (Getting ready to drop his tunic.) I’m going to score!

Jailer 2: Wait, Butt Munch. She doesn’t have any thingies.

Daria: (Spitting out some blood and standing back upright.) You won’t have any thingies either if you try anything.

Jailer 1: I want thingies!

Jailer 2: Um, maybe we should lock her up or something.

Jailer 1: (Still excited.) I’ll get the chains! (He starts to go off.)

Jailer 2: Um, Butt Munch, she’s already chained up. Let’s put her next to that, um, Scarlet chick. She doesn’t have any thingies either.

They drag Daria across the dungeon to a waiting bench next to the wall. A young, dark-haired woman also dressed in dirty sackcloth sits on the bench near an empty spot. She keeps her head down, her hair covering her face. The jailers attach Daria’s chains to the wall and walk off. We can hear them in the background.

Daria: (Looking around at the grime as she uses the back of her hand to wipe off the blood on her chin.) Honey, I’m home. (She yanks hard at the chains.)

The Other Female: (Still with her head down. She speaks with another bad English accent but better than Daria’s.) It is of no use. These chains are but solid links and unbreakable.

Daria: (Looking at her companion.) Is it not the duty of all prisoners to escape from their jail?

The Other Female: I have tried since I have been thrown in here. It is of no use.

Daria: Well we shouldn’t give up.

Daria goes back to pulling at her chains and looking around for an escape. Her eyes fall again on the other female and she sits there thinking for a minute.

Daria: You could help.

The Other Female: (Shrugs.) I could…

Daria: I heard the jailer call you by the name of Scarlet. Is that your name or do you have the fever?

The Other Female: No, it ’tis my name, Scarlet. (She finally lifts her head so that we can see it is a very dirty Jane. She brushes the hair out of her eyes.) Jane Scarlet. I am but the world’s best minstrel.

Daria: What brings you here to this dark dungeon?

Jane: (Stretching a bit.) Oh, it was just a small misunderstanding.

Daria: You pissed someone off with your singing, didn’t you?

Jane: (Shrugs.) How would I know they would be offended by Christmas carols? (She looks over to Daria.) So? [3]

Daria: Um, Daria. Daria of Lawndale.

Jane: What brings you to the armpit of the universe?

Daria: (Shrug.) I’m on a vacation?

Jane: That’s a new one to me. Usually it’s a quest or something. Always something heroic. (She looks at Daria closely.) Are you sure you’re not on a quest?

Daria: What for?

Jane: The normal stuff. A grail or two, some shroud, maybe tickets to a George Burns show? [4]

Daria: Beats me. My king showed up on my front doorstep a few months ago, mentioned something about me needing a vacation, sticks me on a leaky boat, my horse gets sick, they lose my luggage, I get into a huge fight at the docks with customs, and here I am in some dungeon in the middle of nowhere. Next time, I’m going to Rome for my vacation.

Jane: I hear Rome’s nice this time of year.

Daria: Is it?

Jane: (She nods.) In the fall, they start running out of prisoners and slaves to throw to the lions so they pull foreigners off of the street and start chucking them in. (Beat.) Great for the locals but hell for the tourist industry.

Daria: So, how are we going to get out of here?

Jane: (Looking around.) Not a clue.

Daria: (Looking around also.) Been here long?

Jane: Long time. Ages and ages. I’ve tried escaping a couple of times but no luck. (Daria sits there looking at her again.) OK, just a couple of days.

Daria: (Turning to look at the two jailers.) They look kind of stupid.

Jane: (Also looking in that direction.) Very.

Daria: (Taking a closer look.) They look kind of familiar…

Jane: (Thinking.) If we could just get them to unchain us…

Daria and Jane look at each other and smirks appear on their faces.

Jane: (Calling him over.) Hey, Butt Munch!

Both jailers walk over.

Jailer 1: Heh heh.

Jailer 2: Um, we’re like armed so don’t like try anything.

Jailer 1: Heh heh.

Jailer 2: Um, like what do you want?

Jane: Oh, we’re just bored.

Jailer 1: Heh heh.

Jailer 2: You won’t be bored when they chop off your heads.

Jailer 1: (Beginning to get into Cornholio mode.) Heh heh. CHOP! CHOP! CHOP!

Jailer 2: (Whacks him another one.) Settle down, Butt Munch.

Jane: (Sounding suggestive.) Oh, I don’t know. I know we have a few days left until our necks stretch and I’m young. (She takes a bare foot and starts rubbing it up against Jailer 1’s leg.) Think of all the things that we haven’t done yet. (Looks over to Daria and winks.) Right, Daria?

Daria: (Looks very uncomfortable.) Um, right. (She sticks her foot out and starts trying to run it up Jailer 2’s leg but doesn’t have the hang of it.)

Jailer 1: (He’s gone.) We’re gonna score!

Jane: (After a quick look at Daria.) We think we would like to give you two a nice, big…

Both of Jane and Daria’s legs come up hard on the jailer’s crotches.

Daria: (With a smirk.) Ow, that’s gotta hurt.

The two jailers go down on the ground, holding their privates, moaning. Jane bends over the prone figures, yanks out the keys, and quickly unlocks their shackles. She throws the keys over to another prisoner as Daria retrieves the scimitars from the two jailers. Daria and Jane look on as the two jailers are dragged away by their former captives.

Jailer 1: (Off screen.) Wait! Wait! I need those!

Jane: (Looking off screen with a smirk.) Not any more you don’t.

Daria: Um, so how do we get out of here?

Jane: (Pointing to a grate set in the wall.) I think that this will allow us to escape this prison.

Jailer 1: (Off screen.) Don’t touch my wiener!

Daria: (Thinking.) It would be better than a direct escape out the front door.

Jane: (She yanks hard at the grate but it does not budge.) See anything to knock it open with?

Daria: (Looking around. She picks up a large hammer and hands it to Jane.) Will this do?

Jane: Yup. It’s a thousand miles to England. We’ve got a pair of scimitars, wearing sackcloth, it’s dark and we have no shoes. [5]

Daria: Hit it.

Jane starts pounding the grate with the hammer.

Ext. View: A dark alley with a few lights coming from windows high up on the walls. We can hear the sounds of guards in the background. Jane and Daria run down the alley banishing swords, both bloodied. Jane is holding her side where blood seeps around her hand. She stops and leans up against the wall, out of breath. Daria runs by but stops a bit further down. She looks back at Jane, turns to scan the area for any threats and quickly returns to her side.

Daria: We mustn’t stop. They will be on us shortly.

Jane: (Still breathing hard.) Go on. (Pant.) I’m wounded. (Pant.) I’ll (Pant.) I’ll hold them off.

Daria takes a long look at Jane who lifts her sword in an offensive position and smiles but grimaces as the pain shoots through her body. She nearly falls but the wall supports her.

Daria: (Putting her arm around Jane and lifting her upright.) I’m not leaving you. (Beat.) So now I have a minstrel as a friend. It could be worse. I could have a crush on one that sleeps all day long. [6] (Beat.) Where do you play?

Jane: I’ve been around. I have traveled the length and breath of Europe playing for many.

Daria: You any good?

Jane: They sit there and grind their teeth at me. (Daria looks at her.) In some places, that’s a complement.

Daria: If you say so…

Jane: Like when they throw fresh fruit at me. (Beat.) Well, it’s usually fresh.

They stumble off together. The camera lowers to the ground where a trail of blood mixes in with their footprints in the dirt.

Ext. View: The docks of the city. Daria and Jane stumble into view looking at the names on the ships. Daria is still supporting Jane, but they both have their scimitars out ready for action.

Daria: Damn, I don’t recognize the names of any of these ships.

Jane: (Breathing very hard.) I know of one where we can find safety. The Esteemer. Captain O’Neill will hide us.

Daria: The Esteemer? It doesn’t sound like a ship I want to caught on.

Jane: Would you rather go back and tell that to the guards? (Daria just looks at her and they stumble on.) Um, thanks for saving my life back there.

Daria: Not a problem.

Jane: (She starts speaking more slowly.) No, I’m serious. I owe you my life. (She faints dead away. Daria takes a look at her, gets a better grip of her new friend, and then continues to look for the Esteemer.)

Ext. View: An ocean shot with a longboat under sail. The camera passes over the ship and we hear some tortured sounds coming from a mandolin.

Jane: (Singing.) “I’m leaving on a long boat.” [7]

The tortured crew of the ship: SHUT UP!

Act #2

Ext. View: A coastal shot off the English coast. We see the longboat out in the ocean sitting at anchor. A small rowboat is headed to shore with a large number of people sitting aboard, most rowing hard against the tide. Two people stand in the bow of the boat, one wearing green and the other red.

Ext. View: A shot of the shore looking out over the ocean. Daria and Jane have come ashore. Daria is now dressed in a leather jerkin with green tights and shirt underneath. Jane is dressed in a reddish silk getup with black tights and a large pack on her back. They have cleaned themselves up. The sailors are unloading the boat and piling up items on the beach. One of the items is a mandolin.

Daria: (Still with her bad accent.) I have reached my homeland. (She knees down on the beach and bends over.)

Jane: (With a smirk.) Do all English folks like you act so foolishly? And you? Acting emotionally? Have you become sick?

Daria spits out a mouthful of sand. Jane hands Daria a wineskin, which she takes a drink from and spits again onto the beach. After a second, Daria stands up, spitting out some final sand, and hands the wineskin back to Jane.

Daria: Three weeks! We were on that damn ship for three weeks. Between the posters and signs reminding you about your self esteem, the plastered happy looks on most of the crew, and the damn captain following me around trying to pass along his (We can hear the quotes around the following.) vast knowledge of life.

Jane: I’ve been on that ship six times now.

Daria: You deserve a metal.

Daria looks back at Jane and over to the pile of luggage on the beach. She spies the mandolin on top of the pile.

Daria: You know, Jane. You’ve come a long way from your homeland. I’m sure you have to get back to being a minstrel traveling across Europe or something.

Jane: No, I’m fine. I’ve never been to England. Plus you saved my life. I am in your debt until I repay the favor (Beat.) or come up with twenty bucks to buy you off.

Daria: Really. You don’t have to stay with me nor pay me any money.

Jane: But I want to follow you and write songs of your travels, create epic poems about your adventures, and pen dirty limericks detailing all your one night stands.

Daria: You don’t have to, Scarlet.

Jane looks at Daria and folds her arms over her chest. An eyebrow goes up as she scrutinizes Daria.

Jane: It sounds like you don’t want me along. (Beat.) Is something wrong with me?

Daria: Oh no, not you, Scarlet. (She looks over Jane’s shoulder at the sailors standing by the boat. They begin to pull out bludgeons and start to look over Jane sizing her up.) Let’s just say it’s too soon for England to hear your wonderful voice.

Jane’s eyebrow goes up a tad higher. She turns and sees the sailors spreading out around her. Jane looks back at Daria with a surprised look on her face. Daria shrugs. Jane turns back at the sailors and pulls a smaller mandolin out of her pack, playing a few practice notes. The sailors look at each other with terror on their faces, jump back in the boat, and row quickly away. Jane turns back at Daria.

Daria: (Shrugs.) I had to try. So I’m stuck with you.

Jane: Hey, I can take care of myself.

Daria: So how come you wound up in prison?

Jane: OK, usually I can take care of myself. I have to repay the debt I owe you for saving my life. (Jane removes her hat and makes a graceful bow.)

Daria: (Under her breath.) Yea, whatever. (They begin to gather up their supplies.)

Jane: Where do we travel to now?

Daria: My childhood home, Lawndale. My father is the Lord of the manor.

Jane: (Surprised.) You are a nobleman?

Daria: I prefer the term noble person myself, but yes, I am next in line to take his seat when the time comes.

Jane: So are there any cute guys in your country?

Daria stops and gives Jane a look before continuing to load up her supplies. Jane follows.

Ext. View: A large green field with a few trees scattered. Daria walks by with a full load and a bow over one shoulder. Jane also walks by with her own load while holding her mandolin. She listens to the tones as she plays a few notes.

Jane: (Singing.) “Bravely bold Sir Robin,” [8]

Daria: (Turning.) It’s Daria, remember? Not Robin. Daria.

Jane: Um, this is the only ballad I know about knights.

Daria: (This stops her in her tracks.) The only ballad you know?

Jane: About knights. (Beat.) I don’t often travel to places that have knights. (Another beat.) Plenty of Day’s Inns though. They seem to be springing up every where.

Daria: (Turning back to the trail after giving Jane a look.) We’ll work on one for you.

Jane: (After a second.) Are we there yet?

Daria: Very funny, Scarlet.

Ext. View: An overhead shot of a light forest. Jane follows Daria from a distance.

Jane: (Beat.) Are we there yet?

Ext. View: A group of bushes standing in front of a bunch of trees. Jane comes tearing through the bushes looking for an escape with Daria following holding Jane’s mandolin over her head as a weapon. Jane throws up an arm as she sees something off screen and Daria stops and ducks down. They slowly slide up behind a bush and look over it. We see Quinn from the rear holding a bow and arrow. She is wearing forest clothing but it appears to be of a better cut than normal. She is stalking a deer eating berries from a bush further away in the woods. Daria is surprised.

Daria: (Quietly.) That’s my sister. What is she doing out hunting?

Jane: (Ditto.) I take it that that’s not normal?

Daria: No, it’s not. The whole idea of hunting is foreign to her. Her life centers around the royal court and its gossip.

Quinn almost drops the bow but is able to get off a shot towards the deer. The camera focuses on what is obviously a stuffed deer that falls over with an arrow stuck in it. She pulls out a knife and runs over to the deer. Daria looks shocked as we watch Quinn prepare to gut and clean it.

Daria: (Beginning to get up.) Something is seriously wrong here.

Just as Jane begins to also get up, the sound of horses is heard off screen. Jane and Daria pull back into the bushes quickly. The camera focuses on Quinn as Lynn, Kevin and AP ride up on horseback. Lynn is wearing what appears to be rich, deep purple official clothing; AP is wearing a more toned down version of what Lynn is wearing, while Kevin is dressed in a full suit of armor, a football painted on a yellow tunic that he wears over it. Lynn draws her crossbow and points it at Quinn. Quinn jumps back quickly and glares at Lynn.

Jane: My goodness!

Daria: What?

Jane: The woman on horseback. She looks exactly like you.

Daria: Really? (She takes a look and makes a disgusted sound.) You need your eyes checked. I don’t think we look anything alike.

Lynn: (Snotty but with a darn good English accent.) We meet again, Lady Quinn.

Quinn: (She stands still holding her knife. She looks nervous and speaks without an accent.) We do indeed, Sheriff Lynn.

Lynn leans over the side of her horse to look at Quinn’s kill. The crossbow remains pointed in Quinn’s direction though.

Lynn: Your aim improves, my lady. (She looks up.) First shot?

Quinn: I would not have to improve my aim if you hadn’t taken away my family’s lands. (Daria looks shocked at this bit of news.)

Lynn: (Leaning back up into her saddle.) Maybe you should join them. (Makes a wave with her hand.) Sir Kevin, disarm her.

Kevin attempts to dismount but with him wearing full armor, it’s difficult. Lynn rolls her eyes and looks at AP.

Lynn: Squire Andrew, help your master. (Lynn returns to watching Quinn as AP hops down and rushes to try and help Kevin. After a minute, Daria and Jane approach from the rear out of Lynn’s line of sight.)

Jane: Here, let us give you a hand.

AP: (With a nod.) Thanks.

They finally get Kevin off the horse and standing upright. Daria then draws Kevin’s sword and Jane snatches AP’s dagger.

Daria: Good morning to you, Sir Knight.

Kevin: (He raises the hood of his helmet. He still has that dopey grin on his face.) Good morning to you, my lady. Thanks for your help getting me down. I wonder why they don’t install stairs on horses. (All three, including AP, roll their eyes as Daria walks off towards Lynn.)

Lynn: (In a close up shot. She still hasn’t turned around.) What are you waiting for, Sir Kevin? Disarm her. (The tip of a sword appears in view pointed at Lynn’s face. The shot pulls back to show Daria holding the sword and Jane covering the other two with the dagger. Lynn is surprised but is able to control herself and nods at Daria.) Daria.

Daria: (She returns the nod.) Sheriff Lynn. (Beat.) And it’s Lady Daria to you.

Lynn: (With a hint of sarcasm.) Lady Daria. Please forgive me. My mind was elsewhere as I was trying to arrest this common thief.

Quinn: (Insulted.) A common thief? I’m not common. How dare you call me…

Daria: (After a look at Quinn to get to her to keep quiet, she now stresses her accent in an attempt to make it sound more English.) What has my sister, Lady Quinn, done that warrants such action by a group of armed soldiers?

Lynn: (Smiles slightly and does her accent with ease.) That deer that she has killed belongs to the King. And she has done this act on land also belonging to the King.

Daria: (Trying harder on the accent.) I find it very interesting that she can kill a King’s deer on my family’s land.

Lynn: (With a smirk.) This land no longer belongs to your family, Daria. (Daria scowls slightly.) Excuse me, Lady Daria. (She moves the crossbow slightly to draw attention to it.) You will discover, Lady Daria, that things have changed quite a lot since you left us.

Jane: Seems like things change a lot here in your country. (She smiles at AP and Kevin and makes a small wave of the dagger. They take a step back.)

Daria: While things may have changed, it appears we hold the upper hand. (She lowers her sword point to aim for Lynn’s heart.)

Lynn: (She sighs and safeties her crossbow.) So it seems. Mark this day, Lady Daria. I will have my revenge.

Daria: That may be, but today is not that day.

Lynn: It appears that it is not. I will take my leave of you now. Good day to you. (She secures the crossbow and rides off. Daria, Jane, and Quinn have to help AP get Kevin back on his horse. Jane returns AP’s dagger to him with a wink and a pat on his rear as he turns away. Daria looks at Jane who shrugs, while AP and Kevin ride off.)

Jane: First time in a new country. Got to try the guys out. Plus he’s cute. (Daria scowls at her.) In a he’s on the wrong team sort of way.

Daria: (She smirks and turns back to Quinn.) Sister of mine.

Quinn: (She takes a quick look at Jane.) Cousin.

Jane: What a strange country you have here. You pull out swords and crossbows when you greet each other and you can be a sister and a cousin at the same time.

Daria: Quinn is my sister, Scarlet.

Quinn: Only because I have to be. All you think about is the common people and trying to make their life easier. Things like trash collection and drainage ditches and blood letting for the common folk. You never attend the parties or the hunt and never concern yourself with the other things us popular noble people do. Like I was telling my ladies in waiting the other day…

Daria: (Taking a breath first.) Quinn, what happened to our folks?

Quinn’s face falls and she turns away letting out a sob as Jane and Daria look at her.

Ext. View: A smoking, half-destroyed castle at night. Smoke drifts across the broken stone and wood. Daria leads the group over the broken drawbridge and past the raised gate. Quinn stops right by the gate holding herself refusing to go any further, looking around as though she doesn’t like the memories this place now holds. Jane walks over to a dead horse with three arrows sticking out of its side. Daria just stands there in the middle of the courtyard taking in all of the destruction.

Int. View: The great hall of the castle. Broken tables and chairs litter the floor, and torn banners hang from the ceiling. Daria walks into the hall staring at the damage. She walks through the hall, stopping near what was the head table. She reaches down and rights the throne that used to sit at the head of the table. She looks around with sadness.

Int. View: A hallway within the castle with a staircase leading up at the end. A window with most of the glass broken out of it is set in the outer wall, a small broken hall table underneath it. Jane walks down the staircase with her sword drawn and pauses near the window, her nose turning up is disgust at the smell. She takes a sniff and a disgusted look crosses her face. She turns, opens the remains of the window, and pokes her head out. She retreats quickly, a look of horror on her face and a hand covering her mouth. She bolts off camera and we hear her puking her guts up a few seconds later.

Int. View: The remains of a large flower garden behind the burned out castle. Quinn slowly walks though it, pausing near a broken wooden bench. She kneels down and reaches out with a hand. The camera shows a close up shot of Quinn’s hand passing over a carved heart in the top of the bench, the initials ‘Q.M.’ and ‘T.D.C.’ within it.

Int. View: A large bedroom also within the castle. Daria walks in and looks around. We can see tears starting to form in her eyes. Daria walks over to the fireplace and looks above it to where the broken frame of a painting hangs by a nail. She looks down and kneels by the fireplace. She pokes around the residue of the fire with her dagger and pulls out the burnt remains of the painting. She looks at it, brushing off the black ash. The camera focuses on it showing the Morgendorffer clan dressed as their Middle Age counterparts. Jane approaches from behind and lays a hand on Daria’s shoulder. Daria’s eyes begin to water but no tears fall.

Jane: (Softly.) You OK?

Daria: Yea. (A sniffle.) My family isn’t the best one could have but…

Jane: They’re your family. (Beat.) What are you going to do now?

Daria gets angry, stands up and pulls out her sword. Jane takes a giant step back.

Jane: Whoa! I don’t think that’s a good idea, Daria.

Daria looks at Jane and then back at the torched painting. She puts the sword against her open palm and slowly slices. A small amount of blood appears along the edge of the blade. Quinn walks in and sees what is happening.

Quinn: EEW! (She rushes out into the hallway and starts to dry heave.)

Daria: As God as my witness, I shall avenge my parents’ death.

She closes her hand into a fist and squeezes until a few drops of blood fall to the floor. Jane makes a face.

Jane: I wonder about you English types sometimes.

Jane pulls out a cloth and hands it to Daria. Daria returns her sword to her scabbard and wraps her hand with the cloth.

Daria: (As she bandages her hand.) It appears that I now also have to take care of my sister.

Jane: She seems to have been able to take care of herself so far. And she did kill that deer without any problem.

Daria: (Thinking while looking at her bandaged hand.) Yea she appears to have grown a bit since I’ve been gone. (Smirks slightly.) You should see her friends.

Jane: So, do you plan on doing something about this situation?

Daria: Yes, but first we have to bury the dead.

Daria looks at Jane, straightens her clothing, and walks out. Jane follows.

Act #3

Ext. View: A large castle sitting on a hill. A small village is seen in the evening darkness at the bottom of the hill. The words “Princess Li’s Castle.” appear along the bottom of the screen.

Int. View: A two story hall within the castle. The bottom floor is covered with many tables and benches. The second story is ringed with a balcony, the railings covered in flags and tapestries. A fire is lit in the huge fireplace built into a wall. Ms. Li sits alone at the head table surrounded by parchments and food. Her small, stone Buddha sits on the corner of the table. She grabs the dagger that is lodged into the table and uses it to cut some meat out of the roast that sits beside her. She stabs it with the dagger and bites off a chunk, chewing as she writes on a parchment. Lynn walks into the room followed by Kevin, still dressed in his full suit of armor. She stands by the table while waiting for Li to notice her.

Li: (Speaking in her normal voice.) I need more money to support those extra troops I hired to protect the castle. (An idea pops into her head and she smiles a tad.) I know! I’ll tax the peasants for having two arms and two legs. (She starts writing.) And if they don’t have both, I’ll tax them for being different.

Lynn clears her throat. Li looks up at her.

Li: Is there something important that you have to interrupt my dinner?

Lynn: (Stands at attention.) Yes, Princess Li. While on patrol, I met Lady Daria of Lawndale. She has returned from the Crusades.

Li: Your point being?

Lynn: We tried to jail her parents knowing that they would be an obstruction to your plans. We had to kill them and the members of their household when they tried to resist. Now with Lady Daria back in England, she may cause the same obstruction.

Li: (She takes another bit of meat and chews while thinking.) She won’t be any problem. One young Lady isn’t going to change anything while she’s rotting in a jail cell. (She takes a look at Lynn and Kevin.) What happened when you met her? You did capture her, right?

Lynn: (With a pained look.) She was able to take advantage of me and get away.

Li slams her fist against the table, knocking her dagger to the floor. Sir Kevin notices this and makes an attempt to pick it up.

Li: (Pissed.) You travel with the best knights I have yet one single lady of the court defeats you?

Kevin: I’ll get it.

He’s in the background trying to bend over in full armor to pick up the blade. Both Li and Lynn ignore him.

Lynn: She was able to get the advantage over us and…

Kevin: (Interrupting.) Um, a little help please.

Li and Lynn both turn to Kevin. He’s now bent over but his armor has locked into that position and he is now helpless. Li calms down slightly.

Li: I can see that maybe you had some problems. I do hope she will not give you trouble again. You know how important it is to bring honor to the County of LAWNdale.

Lynn: (Giving a quick look at Kevin before continuing.) Maybe if we had some more assistance…

Li: (She takes a bite of meat and thinks while chewing.) Where do you think she is now?

Kevin: Um, excuse me?

Lynn: Probably on her way home. (Beat.) Or what’s left of it.

Li thinks for a second and stands.

Li: We shall go talk to the witch.

Lynn: Which witch?

Li: (Her eyes getting narrow.) Don’t start with me, Sheriff.

Lynn: I’m serious. Which witch are we taking about?

Li: You know which witch is which.

They look at each other for a second. Li pushes her throne back and begins to walk off.

Li: Let’s go talk to her.

Lynn: Which witch?

Li: You’ll see!

Int. View: The camera slowly sides through a circular room in the castle. Bookcases line the walls filled with books, scrolls, canisters, bags, etc. A lit fireplace with a cauldron fills one corner while a pair of work benches fills the rest of the room. They are covered with open books, papers, and scrolls. A frog hops slowly across one table. A lit burner sits in the corner underneath a beaker half filled with some strange purple liquid giving off a slightly orange smoke. The camera finally stops on a closed door which now opens to allow Li and Lynn access to the room.

Lynn: I hate coming up here.

Li: Oh, the tower is not that high off the ground.

Lynn: It’s not that, sire. I don’t trust witches.

Li: She’s a security measure. One of many that the new taxes are paying for.

Lynn: I still don’t like it. All that dark magic is to me is a bunch of (She lifts some black powder out of a dish on one of the tables and rolls it around her fingers.) mumbo jumbo to scare the peasants.

Andrea: (From off screen. In a strong English accent.) I wouldn’t touch that powder if I were you.

Both Li and Lynn turn upwards to this new voice. We see Andrea standing on the ceiling upside down looking at them. She is dressed in black rags and furs. A medallion hands from a chain at her neck.

Li: (Looking up at Andrea.) Impressive.

Andrea: That’s dried woodchuck blood. It’s a poison that can be absorbed through the skin. [9]

Lynn quickly drops the powder from her hand and wipes them clean with a rag. Andrea pulls herself upward and unhooks her legs from a crossbeam in the ceiling. She lets herself drop down to the floor and stares at Lynn.

Andrea: It’s a slow poison though. You have to ingest a fair amount of it over a long period of time. (Beat and then with a smile towards Lynn.) Or bathe in it perhaps…

On the word bathe, Lynn looks disgusted. Li is very happy though.

Li: Good, good! It sounds like we’re getting our money’s worth with you. Always important. I’m sure that you will bring honor to LAWNdale County. Isn’t that right, Sheriff?

Lynn: (Still thinking about the aforementioned baths.) I’m sure she will, Princess Li. (Beat.) Um, why were you hanging from the ceiling though?

Andrea: It is how I meditate. It allows the body’s spirits and liquids to flow more easily to one’s brain.

Li: An excellent idea. I will have my guards try it tonight. See to it, Sheriff Lynn.

Lynn: (The look on her face clearly shows her opinion about this matter but Li doesn’t notice.) I will pass along the order, Princess Li.

Andrea reaches for the dish of dried woodchuck blood and heads to the fireplace. She removes the cauldron from the fire and sprinkles a good helping of the powdered blood into the boiling water. She stirs the mixture with a spoon that was lying on the fireplace mantel.

Andrea: It also makes an excellent tea for relaxing after a hard day. Would either one of you like some? (Smirks.) I know the Sheriff would love a cup.

Lynn: I think I’ll pass this evening.

Li: Oh, nonsense Sheriff. I know how stressful your day has been. We must all take every chance we can to relax. That way you can be at your best when you need to be. That’s what brings honor to LAWNdale county.

Andrea takes a tray with three mugs on it from a table. She quickly fills them, taking one for herself and passing the rest to the others. Lynn looks with worry at hers.

Andrea: I do think that the Sheriff worries about the poison aspect of the tea. I assure you that it takes a long time for the poison to build up in one’s system. Until you reach that amount, it is quite harmless. (Beat.) And tasty.

Andrea takes a long swig from her mug with Li quickly following. Lynn just can’t bring herself to do it though. Andrea and Li sigh as they finish theirs.

Li: That is wonderful tea, Andrea. You must give my cook the ingredients.

Andrea: (Taking a slight bow.) Of course.

Lynn: (Looking for a place to set down her mug.) Sire, we came on business…

Li: Yes, we did. (Turning to face Andrea directly.) An outlaw has appeared within the county and we need…

Andrea: You need to know if this outlaw will be a thorn in your plans.

Li: Yes, precisely. How did you know that?

Andrea: (Turning to face Li directly.) I know a great number of things, Princess Li. I know that one day you wish to be the king. (Now turning to face Lynn.) And I know about your taste in men, Sheriff.

Lynn: (Blushing slightly) What can you tell us that will help with the outlaw, witch?

Andrea turns away from them and just about glides towards a bookcase. She removes a black cloth bag and sits down on a stool at a table. Lynn and Li stand behind her on either side.

Andrea: I must have silence while I prepare myself for the reading.

Andrea closes her eyes, leans back, begins to sway back and forth slightly and mumble under her breath. Lynn and Li lean forward to listen to her.

Andrea: (Singing under her breath.) “I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes”

Lynn and Li stand upright and look at each other. Andrea comes out of her meditation shortly after that. She opens the cloth sack and pulls out a small crystal ball. She places it on the table.

Andrea: And now we will begin the reading.

Andrea peers in the globe as it begins to glow slightly. Lynn and Li also lean forward to look into the globe.

Andrea: I see a young red haired girl walking through the forest. She carries a… (Andrea stops and looks at Lynn.) She looks exactly like you, Sheriff Lynn. Care to explain?

Lynn: Really? I never saw the resemblance.

They return to the globe.

Andrea: She carries a bow. She travels with a small number of companions. One of them is a… She’s a foreign devil. Beware of the foreign devil. Her voice can kill.

Li: But are they a threat, witch? Tell me what I need to know.

Andrea: If you leave them to grow, they will be strong enough to give you worry.

Li stands up with a satisfied smile on her face. Lynn also stands but with an annoyed look on her face.

Lynn: The witch hasn’t told us anything we didn’t know already. Of course if Lady Daria gains power and followers, she will cause trouble.

Li: Nonsense. We now know that she can’t be allowed to gather strength in that forest of hers. (She turns to the Sheriff.) Put out a reward for the capture of this Lady Daria. One hundred gold crowns to the one who brings her in, dead or alive.

Lynn: (Sighs.) I will have the bounty announced right away.

Lynn comes to attention before she bolts from the room. Li pays her no attention but returns to the side of the witch and again peers into the globe.

Li: Please now tell me about that cute Lord of Calcutta. What can I do to get him to notice me?

Andrea smirks slightly as then both return to the globe.

Int. View: The Great Hall again. Kevin is still bent over in his armor trying to reach the dagger on the floor.

Kevin: Um, hello? Is anyone there? I’m stuck.

Act #4

Ext. View: A close up shot of a wanted poster tacked to a tree. Daria’s face appears on it with the words ‘Wanted’ along the top and ‘One Hundred Gold Crowns Reward!’ along the bottom. The camera pulls back and we see that the wanted poster is tacked on an upright support of a small covered bridge in the forest. Daria, Jane, and Quinn walk along the path leading through the bridge, Quinn bringing up the rear. We can see that Daria and Jane are putting up with her.

Quinn: And another thing. What are we doing in this forest? We should be spending the nights in front of a warm fire and sleeping in beds covered with heavy quilts instead of stomping around Sick Sad Forest. (Beat.) And who gave this forest such a stupid name anyway?

Jane: Quinn, we told you. As soon as Sheriff Lynn returns to Princess Li’s castle and makes her report, every knight and sheriff will be out hunting for us. The safest place for us is right here in the forest, away from prying eyes.

Daria: Plus we will be able to plan our revenge on the Princess for the deaths of our parents, sister.

Quinn: Um, oh yea.

Daria: You do want to avenge our parents’ deaths, right Quinn?

Quinn: Yes, I just don’t like those sword thingies and stuff.

Jane: I’m sure we can work something out Quinn so that you don’t have to hold any sword thingies.

Quinn: Oh good. Swords don’t match my outfits.

Jane: (Quietly.) You know, Daria. Just the two of us don’t stand much of a chance against Princess Li and her forces. You do have a plan, right?

Daria: I’m working on one. But I agree with you. We need some more people.

They stop before a small stream about ten feet wide with a tree forming a bridge across it.

Quinn: Oh goodie. I don’t want to get my new boots wet.

Jane: (In a low voice.) Haven’t we been walking through grass wet with the morning dew?

Daria shrugs and hops onto the log. As she crosses, Brittany jumps out from behind a bush (We see a hand pull back into the bushes quickly.) on the other side of the stream and stands on the log also. She immediately starts twirling her hair with a free hand.

Brittany: (Normal voice. No accent what so ever.) Um, like stop. OK?

Jane: (Smirking.) Oh look. It’s a fearsome warrior to stop our travels. We’re in deep doo-doo now, Daria. What will we do?

Daria gives Jane a look before turning back to Brittany.

Daria: Please stand aside as we are travelers on an important mission and need to get to the other side of this stream.

Brittany: (Twirling away.) Um, as soon as you pay the toll.

Daria: (Annoyed.) Toll? What toll?

Brittany: Um, the toll to pass this river on my bridge.

Daria: On my father’s lands? I will pay no such toll. These are my family’s lands and I will go where I want to.

Brittany: Then I shall fight you with my trusty quarterstaff. (Beat.) I wonder why they call it a quarterstaff. I’m sure it cost more than that. Like a buck and a quarter or something. [10]

Daria, Jane, and Quinn look around.

Jane: (Smirking.) I think you forgot something, oh brave toll keeper.

Brittany: (Still twirling.) Um, I don’t think so.

Daria: Maybe your quarterstaff?

Brittany: (Brightening up.) Oh, yea. Um, I’ll be right back.

A hand reaches out from the bushes holding the quarterstaff, which Brittany grabs and runs back onto the log. She teeters for a bit before standing in a defensive position.

Brittany: Um, like you leave me no choice but to fight you to demand payment for my toll.

Daria sighs and begins to pull out her sword.

Brittany: EEP! What a big sword you have. What kind of weapon is that against poor little old me with just a quarterstaff? That’s a coward’s weapon.

Daria sighs again, returns her sword, and goes running off into the forest.

Jane: (Looking after Daria.) Daria, she is but a young girl and you are trained in the art of fighting. Surely you do not retreat?

Brittany: (Calling after her.) Run like the coward you are.

Daria: (From off screen.) I am not a coward. I just wish to get my own staff to fight you with fairly.

Daria reappears again with a staff and hops again onto the log getting into a defensive position. Jane appears beside them. She is standing in the stream. It comes up about an inch on her shoes.

Jane: Are you sure you want to do this? We can simply cross the stream by foot. Here, let me show you. (Jane walks across the stream a couple of times, barely getting wet. She returns to Daria’s side.) You don’t have to fight her. We can just go around.

Daria: It’s the principle of the thing. I will not have someone else making money off of my family’s lands.

Jane throws her hands up into the air and walks back to their side of the stream. [11]

Jane: Must be an English thing.

Daria: I must warn you I have been trained for this sort of thing. En Garde.

Daria does a neat little spin move with her quarterstaff and whacks Brittany on her hand.

Brittany: Ow! That hurt!

Brittany turns away from Daria to blow on her hand. Her staff swings around, hooks one of Daria’s legs causing Daria to lose her balance and go flying off the log into the stream. Brittany waves her hand a bit, blowing on it, gets the pain under control and turns back to where Daria was. She is surprised to not see her standing there and begins to look around.

Brittany: Where did she go? (She finally looks down at the stream and sees her.) What are you doing down there? You’ll get all wet.

Brittany hops down into the stream and offers Daria a hand up out of the water. She accepts and picks up her quarterstaff. They both climb on the log again.

Daria: Now we shall settle this.

Daria does another neat little move with her staff, which gets under Brittany’s defenses. Unfortunately Brittany, while trying to protect herself, brings her staff down hard, right on Daria’s head. Daria holds her head while Brittany brings her staff around again to a defensive position, hitting Daria in the knee while doing so. Daria loses her balance and goes off again. We can hear Jane in the background trying not to laugh.

Jane: Lady fall down. Go boom-boom.

Daria: Go to hell, Scarlet.

Brittany: Are you in the stream again? Have you not taken your weekly bath?

She hops down into the stream again and helps Daria get to her feet. Brittany once again climbs onto the log while Daria stumbles back to her side of the stream bed looking annoyed. Jane walks over to her while trying to hide a grin.

Jane: (Turning so that Brittany can’t hear them.) Are you OK?

Daria: (Following Jane’s lead.) Ever hear the expression about the greatest swordsman and whom he fears the most?

Jane: Yes, he doesn’t fear the second best swordsman but the worst swordsman. The greatest swordsman and the second best are on the same level so they know each others tricks and what to expect. There’s no telling what the worst swordsman will pull though.

Daria: I feel like that first swordsman right now.

Jane: Maybe you’re just trying too hard.

Daria looks at Jane who shrugs. They both look at Brittany who is back to twirling her hair. Daria shrugs and climbs back onto the log.

Daria: You are well versed with the use of that quarterstaff.

Brittany: (Cheerfully.) Really? I just started using it this morning. I thought I might break a nail…

Daria pulls a sneaky trick. As soon as Brittany mentions her nails and looks down at her hands, Daria jams the end of her quarterstaff against Brittany’s back and shoves hard. Brittany goes flying into the stream with a scream. Daria jumps down off the log and helps Brittany to her feet.

Daria: Um, you fight well with your quarterstaff. What’s your name?

Brittany spits out some water and mud.

Brittany: Brittany Little. And yours?

Jane: (An aside to Quinn.) She doesn’t look so little to me. (Quinn nods.)

Daria: Daria. Daria of Lawndale.

Brittany: (Surprised. After all this is her lord.) Oh, Lady Daria. (She falls to the ground, um, stream.)

Daria: Oh, get up, Brittany Little. I will not have the two of us getting sick because of this cold stream.

Daria pulls Brittany upright and drags her over to the far side of the stream. Jane and Quinn cross using the log and join them.

Daria: I remember your parents. Where are they and what are you doing in the forest alone?

Brittany: The Princess Li has had them arrested when they couldn’t pay their taxes last month. Sheriff Lynn had them dragged away in chains like common criminals.

Daria: (Minor shock.) They couldn’t pay their taxes?

Jane: I take it that they were of some importance?

Quinn: (Turning to Jane.) Brittany’s father owns, well owned the local tavern and inn. Her mom was the barmaid. They’re fairly successful.

Jane: It sounds like they should have been able to pay them.

Daria: Yes, it does.

Brittany: Princess Li has raised the taxes five fold in the last three months to pay for the new security measures she has put into place. You either pay the taxes or wind up in jail. And once you’re in jail, there’s no coming back out.

Jane: That doesn’t sound like they would have been able to pay them.

Daria: No, it doesn’t.

Brittany: They took the inn and the manor for back taxes and I’ve been hiding out in the forest since then with what little I was able to take from the manor before they padlocked it. (Beat.) They’ve locked up a good portion of the county.

Daria and Jane look at each other.

Daria: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Jane: (Smirking.) I think so, Daria, but I can’t see how getting two lab mice to talk will help anything. [12]

Daria: Scarlet…

Jane: I mean I don’t see how the four of us will be able to change anything.

Daria: In time our numbers will grow but first we need to take care of ourselves and begin to put fear into Princess Li’s heart.

Brittany: (Back to the hair twirling.) Um, like how do we do that?

Daria: We shall become outlaws and hide here in the forest.

Quinn: EEW! I don’t want to stay here in the forest. It’s cold and damp and there are bugs.

Daria: Either that or the Sheriff’s cold, damp cell, sis.

Quinn: (She sighs.) I guess the forest isn’t all that bad.

Jane: You know what? We need some cool nicknames. I want to have a cool nickname. (Beat.) And a poodle.

Daria: I think Scarlet fits you fine, Scarlet. And Brittany Little, I think the name Little Brittany will fit you fine.

Quinn: I don’t think so.

Jane: Me either.

Brittany: Huh?

Daria: Just trust me on this one, OK?

Brittany: OK.

Jane: So what are we going to call you, Daria?

Daria: (Smirking.) I don’t know but just don’t call me late for dinner.

The other three just stare at Daria with looks of disgust. She shrugs.

Daria: OK, so I can’t do standup. Over dinner we can think up a nickname for myself. Brittany, do you have a camp nearby?

Brittany: I think so.

Daria: I’ll take that as a yes. Let’s go and have us some dinner.

They begin to walk off.

Jane: I know what we can call you.

Daria: (Smirking.) You mean to my face?

Jane: How about Cynic Hood?

Daria: Even I can come up with something better than that.

Jane shrugs as they walk off.

Quinn’s Journal

(Ext. View: Daria, Jane, Quinn, and Brittany walking through the forest.) I can’t believe that Daria is making me keep this journal. I mean I have better things to do. I know that Mom and Dad thought it was important for me to know how to read and write but it’s not like *SHE* couldn’t have done it. And I don’t understand why *I* have to keep it. I would rather be in the Royal Court comparing the latest fashions with the other Ladies and trading the latest Court gossip. (I wonder if that cute Lord Wind Lane ever did bag a Lady for more than a month.) Daria said something about keeping a written record of what happens but I mean get real. Who’s going to read it? The peasants? Most of them can’t even read their bibles!

Anyway, we went to live in that god forsaken forest. I still think it’s a stupid name for a forest. Sick Sad Forest?!?! I mean come on. Anyone could have come up with a better name than that. How about Emerald Green Forest or the Ground is Lumpy Forest? Or Get me the Hell Out of Here Forest? (Ext. View: The group walks into a clearing and discovers a large group of women and children sitting around. They are very dirty and depressed looking.) We found a bunch of dirty, rotten smelly women and children there. God, did they smell! Daria said something about their husbands and fathers being taken to fight in the Crusades but I just think they couldn’t keep hold of their men. I’m mean some of them looked like they hadn’t bathed nor had a good meal in a week. How could they live like that?

But you know Daria! Always looking out for the peasant folk. Anyway I went off to get my ladies in waiting while that Scarlet chick led a small group into the nearest village. (Ext. View: Daria chatting with a number of the poor women in the forest. From one side, Quinn returns with the rest of the Fashion Club while Jane and a small group of women enter from the other side leading a horse drawn cart filled with boxes.) Scarlet’s group returned quickly with a wagon filled with soap and cloth. I couldn’t believe it! I was going to be able to take a bath! (Ext. View: A head and shoulders shot of Daria from the rear. She removes her jerkin and lowers herself out of view. The camera pulls back and lowers to show a deep stream filled with naked women, some of them bathing while the rest sun themselves dry on nearby rocks. We, of course, can’t see anything as they are covered up by the water or handy branches and this will remain a PG work.) But then Daria said the soap was for everyone and had us all go down to the local stream. They all stripped and washed themselves in that water. Daria told me that I had to take a bath as well. EEW! Bathe in front of all those peasants?!?! I mean come on now. Was I going to have to eat in front of them also? But Daria is the oldest and I guess I have to listen to her now that the folks are gone. (God, I hate that Princess Li!) I just wish Lady Sandi had shut up about the whole thing. (Ext. View: Sandi standing on the side of the stream fully clothed bitching about something. A couple of the forest women shove her from behind into the water. Sandi stands dripping wet while the rest of the group laughs.) I mean it was bad enough.

Oh yea, and get this. Daria had Jane leave a small sack of gold crowns in the village. (Int. View: A weaver’s shop. The camera pulls in to show a desk with a brown sack sitting on the top of it.) God, like how can she be so dense? One of these days, Daria’s going to have to learn how to act like a member of the nobility. We don’t pay for stuff we take from the peasants but she went ahead and did it.

Well after embarrassing myself in front of the common folk, Daria split us up into small groups. (Ext. View: A sewing circle out in the forest. Brittany is sitting at the head of the circle chatting away. A young girl comes into the middle of the circle wearing the green costume that is known from the Robin Hood stories and she spins to show it off. The group claps politely and returns to their work, large smiles on their faces.) Some went off with Brittany and made new clothes out of the cloth for all of us. I was hoping that she would custom fit me and my ladies in waiting but Daria said we had to take what was giving to us. You should have seen all those peasants. It was like Christmas or something. They were so happy with their new clothes.

Another group went off with Jane into the woods. (Ext. View: Jane and a group of women deep in the forest. We see them cutting down straight trees and picking up loose branches and gathering up wild hay. They fill a wagon and return to the base camp, turning the supplies over to Daria who is leading another group building huts.) They spent their time cutting down trees and gathering up branches and hay. They brought their loads back to Daria’s group who was building huts in the forest. Daria did finally give in and gave one of the huts to me and my ladies. I thought I heard Scarlet mutter something about no one wanted to bed with us but that couldn’t have been right. I mean we’re the most popular ones in the group.

(Ext. View: Quinn leading a small hunting party, all armed with bows and arrows. They stumble on a deer and all take shots at it, some dropping their arrows in their haste. The next scene shows Quinn carrying her deer back to the camp with a disgusted look on her face while the others pick apples from nearby trees.) I was hoping to be able to spend time with my ladies working on our looks, not that we needed the time, but Daria had me take a small group of women out in to the forest with bows looking for game to hunt. We killed a couple of deer and came across a small gathering of apple trees. Well I guess we won’t go hungry.

(Ext. View: A clearing in the forest. Jane is watching over a few of the women practice with wooden swords. After watching for a bit, she steps in and shows the group a movement using one woman as a target. They all nod their understanding. We next see Daria with another group practicing with their bows. Stacy makes an attempt to shoot but the arrow goes skyward. The group watches it fly upwards but scatters in all directions as it plummets to the ground. We then see Brittany with a third group practicing with quarterstaffs. A lot of the women wind up with bruised knuckles and stand there trying to shake them off.) After we got all that done, you would think we would get a chance to rest. Oh, no! Daria divided the group up into three sections to have weapons training. I didn’t want to get all hot and sweaty but Daria said it would be good for me. “Builds character” she said. I don’t think most of the women did very well as I heard Scarlet grumbling to Daria afterwards. I don’t know what they were expecting. I mean fighting is for men.

(Ext. View: Another clearing. Daria and Jane are kneeling on the ground behind a small mock up made out of rocks and tree limbs. The rest of the women are in a semi circle around them watching.) After that, Daria started working with the women on their plans to raid the rich as they passed through the forest. I didn’t like that part but she said the poor folk of the county were being taxed out of existence. The money that we obtained would go to the poor so that they could pay their taxes. Daria came up with plans and traps for all over the forest. Jane helped also with some ideas of her own. They didn’t sound too dangerous I guess.

(Int. View: Quinn lying on a cot in the Fashion Club’s Hut. The rest of the club is already asleep on the other cots. Quinn is laying on her side writing in her journal, an oil lamp giving her light to write by.) I never thought being an outlaw would be so hard. After dinner, my ladies went back to their hut and went right to sleep! I’m staying up to write what we’ve done so far. I guess it’s important to keep this journal if Daria says it is. (Quinn finishes her writing and closes the journal. After placing the journal, quill, and ink bottle on the ground, she blows out her light and goes to sleep.)

Int. View: The inside of a horse drawn carriage moving through the forest. Lord Mack and his lovely Lady Jodie sit inside dressed in their finery. Through the carriage’s windows, we can see a couple of guards outside riding on horseback.

Jodie: (Pretty good English accent.) Cynic Hood this and Cynic Hood that. That’s all the peasants talk about nowadays. I found the kitchen staff discussing her this morning while they were supposed to be cleaning the kitchen and preparing lunch. They’re making her into something like the hero of a Greek tragedy.

Mack: (Ditto.) Jodie, I’m sure the idle gossip of the common folk will not get in the way of running of our lands.

Jodie: I’m sure it won’t but what the peasants talk about makes me wonder about Princess Li. They say she is beginning to jail those who are unable to pay their taxes.

Mack: Dear, there will always be those who are unable to pay their taxes.

Jodie: I know but didn’t you see the last village we passed through. The inn, the stable and the blacksmith were closed, and the faces of the peasants were angry.

Mack: (Thinking.) Yea, I noticed that.

A voice from outside: Whoa!

Quinn: (From off screen. She sounds like she’s panicking.) Please! Someone help me!

The carriage comes to a stop as Jodie and Mack look out the windows to see what is causing the commotion.

Ext. View: A road cutting through the forest. A tree has fallen across the road and Quinn is caught underneath it. A carriage with two horses and two guards is surrounded with four guards also on horseback. Jodie is seen sticking her head out of the carriage’s door.

Quinn: (Acting like she’s in pain.) Help me please! It’s heavy!

Jodie: Help that poor child!

The four guards on horseback quickly dismount along with the two from the carriage. They run over to the fallen tree and begin to lift it. Quinn slides herself out of the way almost immediately. They begin to lift the tree off of the road.

Daria: (From off screen.) Don’t strain yourselves now.

The six guards wheel around is surprise, dropping the tree. Daria and Jane stand there covering them with drawn swords while Brittany points her quarterstaff at the carriage’s door. Some of the women of the forest surround the whole group from a distance. They all wear their new green outfits.

Daria: We don’t want you to be carrying any loads that are too heavy.

Jane: (Smirks.) Think that maybe we should lighten their burdens for them, Cynic Hood?

Daria: (She rolls her eyes.) No, Scarlet. I’m not going to get them to strip again.

Jane: I wasn’t talking about that. (Beat.) Although I must admit that I wouldn’t mind seeing a few of them strip down to their birthday suits, I meant their weapons.

Daria: I think that that’s a good idea, Scarlet. If I could ask the bunch of you to throw your swords into a pile over there. (She points with her sword.) Daggers also please.

The six guards slowly pull their swords and with disgusted looks on their faces throw them into a pile. The daggers quickly follow. Quinn gathers them up into a leather sack, straining to lift it. Brittany climbs up on the carriage while Daria, Jane and Quinn climb up on horses, Quinn grabbing the remaining horse’s reins. Daria points her sword at the guards.

Daria: March.

The guards walk into the forest followed by the carriage and the rest of the group.

Ext. View: A clearing in the forest. A feast is taking place. The six guards are at one table off on the side eating while Lord Mack and Lady Jodie sit at the head table with Daria, Jane, Quinn, and Brittany. The women of the forest fill other tables scattered through the clearing. Platters of food fill the tables. Jane staggers to her feet.

Jane: (Partly toasted.) I wanna sing a song. (She takes a deep breath but Daria holds out an arm to stop her.) Maybe not. (She falls back to her seat.)

Jodie: (After taking a long swig.) Lady Daria, I must admit that this is one of the finest feasts I have ever been to. You do well here in the forest.

Daria: We do try. (She takes a bite of mutton and chews on it. She’s completely sober.) Lord Mack, Lady Jodie. What brings you to the Sick Sad Forest?

Jane: (She stands.) I wanna sing a song for our guests. (She takes a deep breath but Daria again holds out an arm.) Maybe not yet. (She falls back to her seat.)

Mack: (Munching on an apple.) We were traveling to Lawndale County to stay with Princess Li.

Jodie: (Looking down into her wine.) Not that we wanted to.

Daria: Princess Li?

Mack: Yea, she’s upset at us.

Jodie: We’ve been trying to convince her not to raise the taxes like she has.

Jane: (She stands, turns to Daria wavering a bit.) I said I wanna sing a song. (She takes a big breath but Daria holds out an arm to stop her.) You never let me have any fun. (She falls back to her seat.)

Mack: We told her that the peasants weren’t able to pay them but she kept increasing the security measures and the taxes to support them. We’ve been raiding our treasury to cover what they haven’t been able to pay but we ran out a few weeks ago.

Jodie: We’re expecting Sheriff Lynn to come out and collect the taxes herself once Li discovers that the taxes have we’ve come up short.

Mack: And we know Sheriff Lynn will get her money or else put the peasants in jail.

Jodie: We’ve been able to shield our people so far but won’t be able to any more.

Jane: (She stands.) I wanna sing a song and you can’t stop me. (She takes a big breath but Daria holds out an arm to stop her.) Maybe you can. (She falls back to her seat.)

Mack: (He smirks.) Is she always like that when she’s drunk?

Jane: I’m not drunk. I just want to sing. (She stands. She takes a big breath but Daria holds out an arm to stop her.) Maybe not. (She falls back to her seat.)

Daria: She’s usually a good girl. (Jane’s makes a loud belch.) We don’t let her out of the house that often.

Jane: I am a good girl. (She leans over to Mack to whisper in his ear but passes out, practically falling on top of Mack. He turns to Jodie with a blush.)

Jodie: Don’t get any ideas.

Mack: (He turns back to Daria.) So what happens now?

Daria: Quinn, please take Jane to her cot. (Quinn and a few members of Daria’s group carry Jane off. Daria takes a drink giving her a chance to think.) Normally we would ask for the gold and silver that you carry before we let you go.

Mack and Jodie look at each other with faces of worry.

Mack: Um…

Jodie: All the money that we carry is to pay the taxes for our lands.

Mack: If we give you that money, that would just mean Sheriff Lynn would come to our lands quicker.

Daria: (She sits there for a few seconds playing with the handle on her wine mug.) I think we can work something out.

Ext. View: The trail through the forest. The four guards on horseback plus the two riding on the carriage are now stripped down to the long john underwear. They move along the trail.

Act #5

Ext. View: A pathway leading through a small collection of houses. The wanted posters of Daria are scattered on every available flat surface. We can see Princess Li’s castle in the background. Jane and Brittany walk into view wearing some of the guard uniforms that they obtained with scarves around their necks. Jane carries her sword and Brittany her quarterstaff.

Brittany: I don’t see why we have to come into town today, Scarlet.

Jane: (She sighs.) We have to see how many guards Sheriff Lynn has working around the town. That way we can tell Daria how many to expect on the next few caravans. (Beat.) Plus I want some fresh bread. I’m tired of eating deer meet and apples all the time.

Brittany nods as they make their way to a baker’s hut.

Lynn: (From out of the shot.) You there!

Jane and Brittany turn at the voice. Lynn approaches on horseback. Jane gulps and quickly covers her face with the scarf.

Lynn: Why aren’t you at your posts?

Brittany: (Twirling her hair.) Um, well…

Jane: (Disguising her voice.) The Princess’ cook gave us money to get some bread.

Brittany: That’s right!

Lynn: (Leaning forward in her saddle and taking another look at Jane.) Don’t I know you?

Jane: (Making sure the scarf is in place.) You pass me every day at the gate, Sheriff. (She coughs and clears her throat noisily.) I’m just fighting a bad cold. It’s flu season you know.

Sheriff Lynn takes another look at Jane and then shrugs. She sits back upright.

Lynn: I need two guards to watch over my manor while I’m in the forest hunting the outlaw, Cynic Hood. Since the two of you aren’t doing anything important, I’m assigning that job to you. Is that clear?

Brittany: Um, is what clear?

Lynn: Watching over my house.

Brittany: Um, there’s a watch over your house?

Lynn: (Trying not to get mad…) No, I want you two to guard my house while I’m gone. (…but failing at it.) Understand?

Brittany: You want a U2 tutu? Wouldn’t Bono be upset?…

Jane: (Interrupting before Brittany can say anything else.) Yes, we do, Sheriff. We will go there right now.

Jane pulls Brittany along while Lynn looks after them. She shrugs again and then motions her horse off in the other direction.

Ext. View: Another path leading up a small hill to a nice looking two story house. A woman in an apron sits in a chair in front of the house peeling potatoes. Jane and Brittany walk up the path.

Brittany: But I thought we were supposed to get back to Lady Daria as soon as possible.

Jane: We are but this is a chance that we won’t get again to do some damage. Who knows what we’ll find in the Sheriff’s home.

As they get closer to the hut, we see that the cook is angrily peeling off large portions of the potato’s skin.

The Cook: (Mad as heck.) I gave him twenty two years, the best fifteen years of my life, and he just walks out on me for some teenaged bimbo barmaid. (She turns quickly and points her knife at Jane and Brittany who stop short at the sight of it.) Never trust a man you two. They’ll just take your love and your trust and throw it to the wind.

Jane: Um, right. (She points at the knife and makes a motion to push it aside.) Do you think you can point that elsewhere?

The Cook: (She returns to peeling the potatoes.) Men are worthless pieces of trash. (Some poor unlucky sixty year old farmer has chosen this bad time to pass by in his ox cart. She screams out at him) YOU MAN! (He ducks down in his seat hurries away as chunks of peeled potatoes come flying after him.)

Jane: Um, right. The Sheriff sent us here to guard over his manor while he’s gone.

The Cook: And that’s another one. That damn Sheriff. Has that big huge trunk filled with gold and silver but do I get any of it? Hell no! (She slams down the knife into the chair she is sitting on, breaking the blade. She calms down and tries to continue her peeling. On discovering the condition of her knife, she tosses it over her shoulder and pulls out a new one.)

Brittany: (Twirling her hair.) Um, then why do you cook for her?

The Cook: It pays the bills. Goodness knows that greedy ex-husband left me with enough of them.

Jane: But surely you can get a better job instead of working for that scum, um, for the Sheriff. What is your name?

The Cook: Ms. Barch. And who might you be?

Jane: This is Little Brittany and I am Scarlet. We’re lieutenants to Cynic Hood, the outlaw, and are looking for a few good women.

Barch: Cynic Hood? I have heard nothing but bad things about her.

Jane: If you have only heard bad things, you’ve only been listening to the Sheriff. Lady Daria resides in Sick Sad Forest simply to take from those who are well off in support of those in need. Maybe your master does not like that idea.

Barch: (Thinking.) I doubt that she would.

Brittany: Plus there aren’t any men around.

Barch: (She thinks for a moment and then stands upright.) You’re right. There’s nothing here holding me to this place.

Jane and Barch begin to go off but Brittany just stands there thinking and twirling her hair. Jane turns back.

Jane: Little Brittany, come on. We’re leaving.

Brittany: OK, but aren’t you doing to do something about that trunk with the gold and silver in it?

Jane looks at Barch with confusion. Barch thinks for a second and then remembers what Brittany is taking about.

Barch: (Heading back to the manor.) We mustn’t forget that. It will help the poor of Sick Sad Forest and the county.

Barch opens the front door and they head up the stairs. We enter the Sheriff’s bedroom. The walls are painted in purple with crossbow bolts sticking out here and there, mostly centered on the window frame and the frames of the room’s two doors. A four poster bed dominates the room with a desk, dresser, and footlocker are shoved against one wall. A pair of silver handcuffs lay on top of the purple bedspread. Barch, Jane, and Brittany come into the room through one of the doors.

Barch: The trunk’s heavy. We’ll all have to carry it.

Music – Beats me

We watch Barch, Brittany and Jane bend down at opposite corners of the chest and try lifting it up. They strain three times before giving up.

Brittany’s face lightens up as she holds up a bobby pin. Jane grabs it, sticking herself with it, and tries unsuccessfully to pick the lock.

We then watch Ms. Barch trying to pry it open with a long metal crow bar. Jane and Brittany scowl as the bar bends in the middle.

Now ropes are thrown up through a window and tied to the chest by Ms. Barch. Jane ties the other ends of the rope to a pair of horses, whacking them on their rears to start them pulling. The horses strain at their tethers but to no avail.

Ms. Barch sits on the bed, Jane on a chair at the desk and Brittany on the chest. Jane’s bored and is tidying up the desk. When she moves a book on the top of the desk, the top of the chest springs open and Brittany goes flying. Barch and Jane smile at each other.

Ext. View: Outside of Sheriff Lynn’s manor. The two horses are now attached to a small cart. Brittany and Ms. Barch are filling the back of the cart up with sacks. Jane comes out with a stack of silver dishes and she slides them in also. She makes a motion suggesting that there are more of them back in the manor and all three go back inside.

With Ms. Barch driving the team, the full cart begins to leave. Jane stops the cart, searches through a bag and holds up a roll of toilet paper. Everyone grins again.

They pull away for a second time laughing, as the manor has now been completely wrapped in toilet paper.

Ext. View: Deep in the Sick Sad Forest. The cart pulls into view surrounded by a large number of females dressed in forest green tunics and leggings. Brittany and Jane begin to hand over the contents of the cart but a stern look from Daria makes them stop.

Int. View: A good size tent about ten by ten feet. The flap is thrown up and Daria walks in followed by a very upset Jane.

Jane: What do you mean we have to give it all back? It’s from the damn Sheriff. We got it fairly and she’s one of the worst of the bunch.

Daria: Scarlet, we don’t steal. We rob. There’s a difference.

Jane: Really? Seems like we stole from Lord Mack and Lady Jodie a few days ago among the other caravans we’ve hit.

Daria: That’s different. We gave them the chance to fight us, beat them fair and square and then still treated them to dinner. What you did was sneaky and underhanded.

Jane: (Grinning.) I know. Wasn’t it great?

Jane grins at Daria but Daria just scowls. The smile slowly slides away from Jane’s face.

Jane: I still don’t see what we did wrong. I saw an opportunity of getting her out of the way for a short period of time, she left, and I made off with her stuff.

Daria: Scarlet, you went behind her back and against her trust. She might be out to get us but that doesn’t mean we can act the same way she does.

Jane: OK, fine. (Beat.) What are we going to do about it?

Daria: I don’t know yet…

Jane: (Beginning to look worried.) I’m not bringing it back. I don’t think that would be a good idea.

Daria: Why? (Jane gets a sly smile on her face.) What else did you do?

Ext. View: The outside of the tent. A couple birds are resting on the edge along the top and some of Daria’s people are walking by.

Daria: (Very loud from inside the tent.) YOU WHAT?!?

The birds fly away and the women take one look at the tent and walk away quickly.

Act #7

Int. view: The Great Hall. Many tables are scattered around the hall with Princess Li, Sheriff Lynn, Lord Mack, Lady Jodie and Bishop DeMartino seated at the head table while a sad, hungry looking Squire AP stands guard behind them. Other well dressed members of court fill out the head table while the lesser members are seated at the other tables. Servants continually bring in platters piled high with roasts and bowls piled high with exotic fruit. Sheriff Lynn finishes off a leg of some sort and chucks it over her shoulder, bouncing off the front of Squire AP and falling between a pair of hounds. They fight over the scraps, almost knocking over the poor squire. Princess Li throws back her mug of mead and slams the empty container against the table, smacking her lips. She belches loudly.

Li: (Wiping her mouth off on her sleeve.) Tell me Sheriff, how does the hunt for the outlaw Lady Daria go?

Lynn: (She makes a frown. She had been enjoying the feast before she got reminded about her current problem. She picks at a drumstick.) It goes. The reward has been posted and the peasants have been warned that anyone harboring the rebel shall be punished along side her. (Beat.) She hit three more caravans this week. (Beat.) Along with my manor.

Li: The peasants can’t hold out that long. Soon they will give up on this outlaw else they will all be jailed. (She takes a big bite out of the leg of mutton and chews.) If they still won’t betray her, we shall just give them more encouragement. Lop off a few heads or something like that.

DeMartino: I still can’t BELIEVE that a simple lady of the COURT has give the best WARRIORS England has to offer the SLIP.

Lynn: (Looking pissed that she has to cover herself.) We will capture her soon. The county is not that big.

DeMartino: It seems to ME that as long as she stays in that FOREST of hers, she can HIDE from the likes of YOU.

Sheriff Lynn gives the bishop a dirty scowl. We hear a loud commotion from outside of the hall. Heads turn as Sheriff Lynn rises from her seat, drops her chicken and begins to draw her sword. Other knights and lords also rise from their seats, drawing their swords, while trying to look out into the hallway.

Lynn: Who makes such a racket? Guards, put an end to it!

The three J’s dressed as castle guards and holding spears rush out the door to stop the noise. After a second, the three come flying backwards into the room falling on their backsides. Lady Daria walks into the room holding a few trays of food. She marches directly up to the head table, stopping in front of the Princess Li.

Daria: Princess Li. Excuse me for not bowing in your presence but these trays are hot and I am afraid that I will spill them if I do not pay attention to them.

Li: (Jumping to her feet in anger.) What is this? How dare you just walk into this castle and interrupt our feast? (She looks around the room.) Who is this? And why does she look like my sheriff?

Lynn: (If looks could kill. She returns her sword to her scabbard.) The Lady Daria, my lord.

Daria: (Looks toward Lynn.) Sheriff Lynn, a pleasure as always. You will again have to excuse me for not bowing. I apologize for what happened with your manor and your cook. It appears that some of my people were a little over zealous in their actions. In case you wonder, the deer my younger sister shot earlier was excellent eating. We saved you a prime cut of the venison. Would you like it delivered to your quarters?

Lynn: (She’s tearing apart a drumstick in her hands.) No, I’m sure you can feed yourself on it this evening. You are not welcome here.

Daria: (Looking around as best as she can while loaded down.) But is this not a feast for all the nobility of the county? Surely you must have just forgotten to send me an invitation. I’m sure you remember where I live. Of course, how silly of me. You burned my father’s castle to the ground. I forgot. And here I come all this way with food for the feast.

Li: Your family’s lands were forfeited to the crown while you were gone. Your father was unwilling to collect the taxes that were enacted to support my, um, the county’s troops.

Daria: You mean he didn’t want to line your pockets.

Li turns bright red on this and sputters some.

DeMartino: (He hasn’t been paying attention to the previous lines. All he has done is stare at the trays of food in Daria’s hands.) What did you bring, Lady Daria?

Daria: (She begins to place the trays of food on the table.) Your grace, it is an entree that I discovered during my journey to the Crusades. It is called lasagna. The peasants and the nobility in that part of the world find it a delicacy.

DeMartino: (He picks up a fork and starts poking at it.) Sounds interesting. What’s it made out of?

Daria: Noodles, tomatoes, and cheese. Some eat it with bacon on the side. Please try some and tell the court your opinion.

Li: You have a lot of guts to come walking in her unannounced. Surely, you have heard of the amount on your head.

Daria: One hundred gold crowns? I must not worry you that much if that’s all you’re willing to give up for my head.

Daria picks up a tray of lasagna, walks over to an empty seat at the end of the head table, sits down bumping the lord who was sitting there, puts her feet up on the table, and begins eating using her dagger. The entire court glares as one although a few sneak a look at her shapely legs in those tights.

DeMartino: (Eating away.) You know, this is pretty good.

Daria: I’m glad you liked it, your grace.

Li: (Getting really mad now. She points to Daria and yells out to the court.) Would someone please arrest her?

Daria: They know they can’t, Princess Li. (She takes another byte and smirks as she chews.)

Li: And why not? (She turns back to the court.) Two hundred gold pounds! (Beat.) Why do you just stand there?

Lynn: Because this is a feast. Truces are called during feasts. We can not attack her, as she can not do the same to us. (Beat.) It’s an English thing.

Li: (Almost screams it.) Five hundred gold pieces!

Daria: And it’s not honorable.

This gets through to Princess Li and she sits down in her throne.

Lynn: (An aside to Li.) You don’t have to be nice to her. And as soon as she leaves the castle, she out from under the truce and we can attack her then.

Li: (Sitting down and picking up a goblet.) So tell me, Lady Daria. I’m sure you wouldn’t have come here unless you had something to say to me.

Daria: (Still sitting with her feet up on the table munching on some lasagna.) Well, I must admit that I’m not very happy with the way you treated my parents. I made a promise to myself that I would see the ones who put them to death also die.

After a second, what Daria just said sinks into the knight’s heads and they rise again with swords partly drawn. They look towards the Sheriff for instructions but she makes a small movement with her hand. They slowly sit, their anger brewing.

Li: That’s mighty strong words, Lady Daria. I would almost call it a threat. Wouldn’t you?

Daria: (She takes a bite of lasagna and chews while thinking over her next words.) No, I wouldn’t call it a threat. (She takes a goblet from the next table setting over and takes a swig.) I would call it a promise. You don’t have any bread to go along with this, do you?

The Sheriff makes a small motion with her hand. A blond haired servant wearing glasses and a tunic with the picture of a large head printed on the front carries over a bowl of bread and lets Daria pick out a couple of pieces. He retreats afterwards.

Li: You seem mighty sure of yourself. Within this castle and this county, you are a wanted outlaw and criminal. The castle holds over fifty guards and this very hall some of the best knights in the kingdom.

Daria takes a look around the room at the various knights. Most of them are still brewing in anger at her. Daria finishes her lasagna, takes another swig of wine, wipes her mouth off with a napkin and stands. She slowly walks past the sitting knights.

Daria: These knights? (She turns to one.) Lord Buzzcut, who was the one who helped you when your grain supply burned to the ground and your peasants were going to go hungry?

Buzzcut: (His face softens.) Your family did, Lady Daria.

Daria: (She moves on to the next knight.) And you, Lord Van Dreisen. Who helped you wife when she had the twins?

Van Dreisen: You and your mother, Lady Helen, my Lady.

Daria: (Continuing down the table.) And you, Lord McVicker. I know we helped your family out.

McVicker: Yes, your family has. (He looks quickly over at Li and then back at Daria. He hands his head so not to look in her eyes.) But things have changed, Lady Daria.

Daria: (She sighs.) Yes, they have. (She moves over to the head table to stand in front of Princess Li.)

Li: You play a dangerous game, Lady Daria. Perhaps you should just give yourself up and make it easier on yourself.

Lynn: You know you can’t win.

Daria looks around at the gathered knights and the guards. We see that some of them are slowly working their way to the head table to cut her off from any possible escape.

Daria: (She smirks.) Oh really?

Daria raises her hand and a thick rope rolls down from the over head balcony. She grabs hold and is pulled upwards just as the knights and the guards converge on her. Daria climbs over the edge of the balcony and is greeted by Jane and Brittany along with another five of her group. They drop the rope and begin to pull out swords and quarterstaffs.

Daria: Thanks. Got our way mapped out of here? (She pulls her own sword.)

Jane: Down the stairs, through the front gate, and out over the draw bridge?

Daria: (She nods.) Sounds like a plan to me. Let’s get out of here.

Daria, Jane, and Brittany take the lead with the others protecting their flanks and the rear. The three J’s block their descent but a simple foot shoved against each of their chests disables them. The women continue down the stairs to land on the main floor of the castle. Lords and Ladies are running all around but no one is paying them any attention.

Daria: (Looking around at the chaos.) I take it that the diversion is going well?

Jane: (Also looking around.) I would imagine.

Ext. View: Outside looking at the castle. It is covered in paint of all different colors. A loud THONG is heard and a large bladder is seen flying through the air towards the castle impacting against the wall. A second thong noise is heard as another bladder flies through the air.

Int. View: Another castle hallway. Andrea is standing by a window looking at the court members running by. As she turns towards the window to look out, a look of horror crosses her face. A shot out the window shows the bladder coming directly at the camera. The bladder impacts against the window, knocking it open. Bright neon yellow paint from the bladder covers Andrea and the surrounding area.

Ext. View: The forest near by. Two large rubber bands are stretched between two sets of trees. Quinn commands one band while Tiffany commands the other one. Two women pull back on each band while a third places a new bladder in the crux of each one. Quinn and Tiffany aim their bands almost at the same time and gives the fire command. Two more bladder bombs go flying into the air and are heard splattering against the castle in the distance. A cheer goes up among the rest of the group who are watching while the crews ready two more bladders.

Quinn: Anyone see them yet? This paint is hard to wash off and I don’t want to hit them with it.

Stacy: I think I see them coming up the hill.

Tiffany: Make… sure… that… it’s… them.

A few of the ladies go off with swords drawn as two more bladders are launched. They thud against the walls and another cheer goes up. Daria and group come into the shot with their escorts just as another pair of bladders are launched. One thuds against the castle but the other one causes a guard to give a high pitched scream. All of the women make “OW!” faces.

Jane: Ow, that’s gotta hurt.

Daria: Only you Scarlet. (She turns to the rest of her people.) OK, we’re done enough to paint the town. Let’s go.

They gather up their equipment and retreat into the darkness.

It’s just an Act?
I thought it was the real thing!

Ext. View: Deep in the forest along a trail. Sheriff Lynn and a small group of guards, including the three J’s, are mounted on horseback as they travel through the forest in a group. All of them still show the remains of the paint attack on their faces and their armor. Lynn has a bright green face.

Lynn: (She’s in a foul mood.) Be careful, men. They’re sneaky bastards.

As soon as Lynn finishes saying that, some of Daria’s people begin falling from the trees, taking out the guards that surround the Sheriff. Lynn draws her sword and waits for someone to charge her but no one does. Once all the guards are out cold and their swords confiscated, Jane steps out of the trees and takes the reins of Lynn’s horse. She is dressed again in the stolen guard’s uniform with the scarf around her face.

Lynn: (Looking closely at Jane.) I remember you.

Jane removes the scarf.

Jane: Sheriff Lynn, the Lady Daria requests your presence at a dinner in your honor this evening. We insist that you attend. (Beat.) Green face and all.

Lynn: (She scowls at Jane but doesn’t respond to the comment.) What about my men?

Jane: They have not been harmed nor will they be. Once they wake up, I’m sure they will travel back to the castle. I must insist though that you wear this blindfold. (She removes the scarf from her neck and holds it up to Lynn.)

Lynn: I seem to remember another time you gave me your word.

Jane: I do believe that if you recall, I never said anything about giving you my word. This time I do and I promise you that no harm will become of you.

Jane holds out the scarf again. Lynn scowls at it. Jane sighs.

Jane: Please, Sheriff, hurry up. It’s almost dinnertime and I am hungry. We waited a long time for you this afternoon in the hot sun.

Lynn looks over her men noticing that they haven’t been harmed and at Daria’s people surrounding her. She sighs and leans over to accept the blindfold.

Pitch Black. We hear the noise of a great number of people in the background. They sound happy.

Jane: (From off screen.) We’re almost there. Just a few more feet. There. Why don’t you sit down on this tree stump until I get this blindfold off of you? Now let me get it off of you.

Light peeks in from around the blindfold as Jane pulls it back. It’s like we’re looking through Lynn’s eyes. We are deep in the forest where a large number of tents are set up around a clearing. A small group of women are off in one direction eating hunks of mutton around a campfire. At another fire, a group is singing in along with a guitar player. Some youngsters run through chasing a playful dog.

Jane: I am sorry about the tree root you tripped over. If you just wait a sec… Ah, here she comes now.

Jane stands upright and turns to see Daria and Quinn walking towards them. Lynn stands up.

Lynn: I demand to know where I am.

Daria: Sheriff, you are deep within Sick Sad Forest and you are a guest at dinner. You have been treated fairly and with the utmost politeness. (Beat. Turning to Jane.) We didn’t have any problems coming in, did we?

Jane: Just a minor tree root that we tripped over together. I caught her as she fell.

Daria: (Turning back to Lynn.) I am sorry about that. You’re not hurt, are you?

Lynn: (She pauses for a second.) No, I am fine. Your assistant is pretty soft. (Jane rubs her shoulder and her arm.) May I ask what I am doing here?

Daria: You are here because I feel my associates treated you unfairly a few days ago. It is not my policy to rob blindly from anyone who comes along. I feel that they must be giving at least a small chance to defend themselves. You were not given this chance. While I am unable to return the items that were taken from you, I had to do at least something. I do hope you will join us for dinner.

Quinn: (An aside to Jane.) They do look a lot alike, don’t they? (Jane nods.)

Lynn: And if I say no to this dinner?

Daria: Then you will sit at the table with your hands tied to the chair and watch us polish off the food as you go hungry. (Beat.) Like many of the peasants in this county.

Lynn draws herself up and looks like she wants to argue the point of the peasants but decides against it. She slowly nods her head.

Lynn: Dinner it is then, please.

Daria: Good, will you please follow me?

They all walk off together, Jane and Brittany bringing up the rear.

Ext. View: A roughly made table covered with food. Other tables are arranged in a circle surrounding a firepit. A pit slowly rotates over the fire turned by Ms. Barch. Lady Daria, Sheriff Lynn, Jane Scarlet, Lady Quinn, and Little Brittany sit at the head table. Members of Daria’s band fill in the other seats. Daria uses her dagger and cuts a large portion of meat off of a roast in front of her placing it on a plate. She passes it over to Lynn, sitting beside her. Lynn pulls out her own dagger but notices something before she starts.

Lynn: (Shocked.) This is my plate from my manor! (Looking around.) And the rest of these dishes are mine as well. (She shoves her chair back and she comes to her feet. She’s annoyed.) How dare you feed me food on plates that you have stolen from me!

The entire head table looks at the Sheriff, shrug as one and continue their eating. When she discovers that the matter will not be discussed, she sits down again and tears a chuck of meat out of the roast slab in front of her, chewing it angrily. A silver cup is passed by her, which she grabs. We can assume that it came from her manor also.

Ext. View: Another place in the forest. A number of horses are tethered here. Daria leads a blindfolded Lynn into view. They stop as Daria removes Lynn’s blindfold and stand there facing each other.

Lynn: You know I could probably kill you right now if I attacked. No one is near by to come to your aid.

Daria: Whatever happened to having a truce during feasts?

Lynn: (She lays her hand on her sword.) I believe dinner is over.

Daria: So it is. Do you plan to kill me now?

Lynn stands there thinking this over. Lynn slowly removes the hand from her sword.

Lynn: No, I guess not. (Beat.) You know we are both very much a like. It would be interesting to sit down and compare notes one day.

Daria: I would like that as well but under the current conditions, I do not see it happening.

Lynn: (She sounds sad about this.) Nor do I. (She climbs onto her horse. Daria unties the reins and hands them to Lynn.) In another time, I might even be able to call you sister. (She leans forward as if she is patting her horse but is really whispering in Daria’s ear.) You may want to tell that Scarlet chick I spotted her in the bushes as you took my blindfold off.

Daria: (Also whispering.) So did I. (Back in her normal voice.) Until we meet again, Sheriff Lynn.

Lynn: Likewise Daria. (Beat and then with a smirk.) Lady Daria.

Lynn turns her horse and they go off. Daria stands there and watches her go. She sighs, turns and walks directly to a certain bush.

Daria: You can come out now, Scarlet. You’re not fooling anyone.

Jane: (Rising from the bush, a branch and some leaves stuck in her hair.) I though maybe you needed some back up just in case she tried anything.

Daria shrugs as they walk back to camp.

Act #Whatever Minus 1 🙂

Int. View: Princess’ Li castle. Sheriff Lynn, her face now a lighter shade of green, is walking through the castle with the three J’s as guards behind her. Knight Kevin is seated in a chair while Squire AP struggles to get his armor off of him. The Sheriff turns and enters the Great Hall. She comes to stop in front of a stone statue of herself standing in the middle of the hall. She looks at it from all sides, noticing an exaggerated bust line on it, which she scowls at. She takes another look at it and turns back to the guards.

Lynn: It doesn’t look a think like me. (She points to the bust.) And what the Hell are those?

Joey: I believe they are called breasts, my lady.

Lynn: I know that they are breasts. But what are they doing on a statue of me?

Jeffy: (He shrugs.) Maybe it’s a statue of Cynic Hood. I mean you two do look a like.

Lynn: Cynic Hood? We don’t look anything alike. (She gives them the look.) Remember that, we don’t look anything alike. Got that?

Jamie: Um, sure Sheriff.

The doors open again and Princess Li walks into the chamber. The guards bow deeply while Lynn simply nods her head.

Li: I see you have seen the new statue of you I had commissioned.

Lynn: Yes sire. I am still at a loss as to why we needed it. I am but a lowly sheriff after all.

Li: Nonsense. The work that you do brings honor to LAWNdale County.

Lynn: If you say so, Princess.

Li: So Sheriff, how does the tax collection go?

Lynn: Sire, it does not go well. It appears that the peasants have gotten it into their heads that they can withhold their tax money from us. Plus the ones that have actually paid their taxes have been pulling their money out of thin air.

Li: (Thinking this over.) How do you think they are able to get their money?

Lynn: I am beginning to think that this Cynic Hood is supplying them with the gold crowns that they need. She has successfully raided a number of caravans and travelers as they make their way through Sick Sad Forest.

Li sighs and walks over to her table. She sits down in the throne behind it and thinks for a few seconds.

Li: (Getting mad.) You know I’m getting sick of hearing that name. I take it you have been unable to capture her, Sheriff Lynn. Even after that incident at the feast?

Lynn: No, sire. She escaped capture then and also from my patrols in the forest. We have also been unable to capture any of her men.

Li: What is your excuse this time, Sheriff?

Lynn: I don’t have one, sire. Every time we’ve met, she has been able to over power my guards and get away.

Li sits there and steams for a few seconds. Her gaze passes along the three J’s and takes in their bruised faces.

Li: Since it seems that you and your men are unable to capture her, maybe we should use some outside help.

Lynn: As much as it pains me, I have to agree with you.

Li removes an empty parchment from a pile, dips a quill in an ink bottle and begins to write.

Li: My contacts in the Royal court have informed me of a very good troubleshooter. I think someone of his caliber is what we need for this problem.

She finishes writing the note, rolls it up, and seals it with wax. She hands the note to Joey.

Li: See to it that that note leaves immediately on the fastest horse with the swiftest rider we have. It must get to the Royal Court as soon as possible.

The three J’s bow as one and leave the room quickly.

Li: Now then. It will take a little while for that troubleshooter to show up. (She stands up and leans towards Lynn.) I strongly suggest you and your men get out there into the forest and do your best to capture that outlaw. Maybe you can change the way I feel about you.

Lynn: Yes, sire.

Li sits back down and begins to work on her paperwork as Lynn storms out of the hall.

Ext. View: The hallway of the castle. Lynn slams the door as she looks around for something else to do damage upon. See then spies Kevin and AP. AP is still struggling to get Kevin’s armor off of him. She stomps up to them.

Lynn: (She points at AP.) You! My chambers this evening! Seven o’clock! (She turns her gaze to Kevin. She makes a sick face before pointing at him as well. Her voice takes on a disgusted tone.) You! Seven thirty! (Beat.) Bring a friend.

She stomps off while AP and Kevin look at each other trying to figure out what just happened.

Act #Whatever 🙂

Ext. View: A figure dressed in the rough, dark brown robe of a monk, the hood completely covering his or her head and the hands tucked into the sleeves, is slowly walking down a dirt road deep in the forest. Behind him a horse pulls a heavily leaden wagon filled to the top with large wooden casks and smaller wooden crates. The horse keeps pace with the monk even though he does nothing to guide it. Some of Daria’s women, carrying bows and quarterstaffs, drop down from the trees behind the wagon. The figure takes no notice of this continuing to walk through the forest until he stops suddenly. He lifts his head slightly. The women behind the wagon freeze in place.

The monk: (He has a deep, solemn voice but it sounds like he’s forcing it. The voice travels even though he does not speak that loudly.) I know you are planning an ambush. Show yourselves. Do not waste this knight’s time anymore.

The thuds of a pair of people jumping out of the trees nearby are heard. Daria and Jane appear coming in from opposite corners. They look at the monk with surprise on their faces. They turn to each other, shrug and return their gaze to the mysterious man. The rest of the group begins to tighten their circle around the wagon.

Jane: Um, who are you?

The monk: I am the one you seek. I am the one you have spent your entire lives searching for. I am the one.

Jane: Sure as hell ain’t the Avon lady.

Jane and Daria look again at each other with questions on their faces. They both turn to the left and look off screen for a second, eyebrows raised, before returning to the monk.

The monk: Look deep, deep in your hearts and you will find the answers.

Daria: Excuse me but who the hell are you?

The monk: Hell, my lady? Certainly not. Maybe a slice of heaven…

The camera angle changes to show the view from behind the monk. He reaches up with a hand and pulls down his hood. Bright orange hair pours out from underneath. Jane and Daria looked shocked.

Jane and Daria together: Upchuck!

The camera returns to its old position and we see that it is Upchuck within the robes with a big grin on his face. He returns his hands to the sleeves.

Upchuck: Hello, my pretties. It is I, O’bi Wan…

Daria: Friar Ruttheimer.

Upchuck: No, my lady. My name is O’bi…

Jane: (Getting a tad angry.) Ruttheimer. Your name is Friar Ruttheimer.

Upchuck: (His smile falters some.) I assume you ma’am. I know my own name. Friar Ruttheimer is such a boring name for a Jedi…

Daria: (Also getting pissed.) You’re not a Jedi… (She pauses for a second and gains control of herself.) You’re a monk. A twelfth century monk. Remember the script?

Jane: Remember the script read where you tried to pull this? Also remember what we told you what was going to happen if you tried it again?

Upchuck: (He shrugs.) I thought the script needed some work.

Daria: Of course it needs help. Looks who’s writing it.

Jane: But not like this. (She shakes her head.) A Jedi knight in medieval times? Sheeze.

Daria: Upchuck, please follow the script.

Upchuck: (He looks worried.) Um…

Daria: You do remember the script, right?

Jane: You did read the script, right?

Upchuck stands there turning red. Daria and Jane look at each other and sigh. Daria turns away from the shot, makes a motion to someone out of the shot, and a large script is tossed to her. She finds the page that they are on and hands it over to Upchuck. He scans the page looking for his place.

Jane: Stop, man of God. You have entered Sick Sad Forest, the home of Cynic Hood and her band of Wonderful Women.

Upchuck: Wonderful Women? Hmmm… (Daria and Jane glare at him and he quickly looks at his script.) Um, where am I? Oh yea. (Reading.) Please don’t hurt me, dear lady, for I am but a simple, humble man of the cloth.

Daria: What brings you to our forest, poor friar?

Upchuck: (Still reading.) I travel to Oakwood with my load of church wine. Pat a keg. (He looks up at Daria and Jane not understanding. They make a couple of sly motions towards him trying to clue him in.) Oh! (He turns around and pats a keg.)

Jane: (She raises an eyebrow.) Church wine, huh? (She looks at the load in the wagon.) I see the casks but what’s with the crates?

Upchuck: (Still reading the script. He can’t find the line Jane just said and looks up at her.) The crates?

Daria: (Smirking.) Yea, Friar. What’s with the crates? (She calls out.) What’s in the boxes, ladies?

Tiffany pokes her head up from the wagon. During the last few lines, she has climbed up on the wagon.

Tiffany: (She opens a crate.) Um, looks… like… some… magazines.

Daria and Jane look at each other with smirks. Upchuck is turning red.

Jane: Oh, some magazines. I wonder what kind.

Daria: Do you have any doubt?

Quinn: (She has also climbed up on the wagon.) Looks like Wine Jugs… and Medieval Chests… and PlayBarMaid. (She opens up a magazine and her eyes go wide.) Will you look at that!

Tiffany: Why… don’t… they… have… any… clothes… on?

Quinn turns the page. Both Quinn’s and Tiffany’s eyes go even wider.

Quinn: Oh, my god!

Tiffany: (Hey, wow! She can talk normally.) What are those three women doing together?

All the women turn as one to glare at Upchuck. He has been slowly sliding away but comes to a halt after backing into Mrs. Johanson who stands a foot taller than he does. She crosses her arms and looks down on Upchuck. He gulps.

Daria: What’s in the other crates? (Beat.) And it better not be any more magazines.

Upchuck gulps while Tiffany and Quinn pry open some more crates. They start pulling out small pieces of cardboard with something attached to the front.

Quinn: (Looking at one of the items.) Hey, they’re like little dolls or figurines. This one looks like Sheriff Lynn.

Tiffany: (Still talking normally.) And this one looks… Oops. I… mean… this… one… looks… like… Princess… Li.

Quinn passes down an open crate filled with the dolls. Daria pulls a couple dolls out of the crate and looks at them.

Daria: And this one is of that witch Andrea who lives in Princess Li’s castle. And, hey, this one looks like you, Scarlet.

Daria smirks as she holds up the doll for Jane to see. She turns red, glares at Upchuck, draws her sword and starts walking towards Upchuck with it pointed at him. Upchuck gulps in terror.

Upchuck: Lady Scarlet, what are you doing?

Daria: Scarlet, let him go. It’s not worth the trouble. (Beat.) Or the insurance paperwork.

Jane glares at Upchuck who is now shaking slightly but returns her sword to her scabbard. She walks back to Daria’s side while Upchuck’s knees sag a bit.

Daria: (She holds up a pair of dolls that looks like herself and Bishop DeMartino.) Care to explain this, Friar?

Upchuck: (Nervous.) Um, they’re for the needy kids here in the county.

Jane: (She pulls out a Squire AP doll and smiles slightly.) More like they’re for the needy purse in your robes you mean.

Upchuck: No, I assure you.

Jane: (She’s pulling out her hand from inside her robe.) [13] I think we can make sure that these dolls will go to the correct needy people. Don’t you, Lady Daria?

Daria: (She smirks again as she reaches across and pulls the Squire AP doll from out of Jane’s tunic and returns it to the crate. Jane blushes as Daria hands the crate back up to Quinn.) I think they’ll be a wonderful gift for the children of the villages. Quinn, why don’t you bring this wagon back to camp while Jane and I talk to the good Friar.

Quinn: What about the casks of wine?

Daria: We will enjoy them with our dinner.

Tiffany and Quinn climb down to the wagon’s seat and drive the wagon out of the shot. Daria and Jane stand beside Upchuck while the rest of the women go off with the wagon.

Daria: So what are we going to do with the good Friar, Scarlet?

Jane: I know what I want to do with him.

Upchuck: Rowwr! Feisty!

Jane glares at him and starts to pull her sword out again. Daria stops her with a hand. Jane sighs and lets go of her sword.

Daria: We have a need for a man of the cloth to help minister to the members of our group.

Upchuck: Um, I’m not that type of preacher.

Jane: (Smirking.) Oh, all the women will be disappointed.

Upchuck: (An eyebrow goes up.) Women?

Daria: Yes, our group is made up of all women. About sixty so far. They’ve been without their husbands and boyfriends for quite a while now.

Upchuck: Well, I can’t overlook a group needing to hear the good word.

Jane: Yes, our group needs to be ministered to. You couldn’t believe how lonely they have been.

Daria: And there are a number of good looking women with us.

Upchuck: (Grinning now.) Are there?

Jane: Hey Daria. It’s a pity though that friars have to be celibate.

Upchuck: (His face falls.) Celibate?

Daria: Yes, celibate. That means no sex, Friar. (She sighs.) And there are a few good looking ones just waiting for a new husband to come along.

Upchuck: (The script falls to the ground.) Um…

Jane: That shouldn’t bother you though. I mean you are a man of the cloth. They must train you for stuff like that, right?

Upchuck: (Looking shocked.) No sex? Surrounded by all those women?

Daria: (With a smirk.) You should be used to that by now, Friar Ruttheimer.

Upchuck: Um, yes. I should be. (He sighs and then continues with a disappointed voice.) I would be happy to minister to your flock, Cynic Hood.

Daria: And you shall start tomorrow.

Upchuck: Tomorrow?

Jane: It’s Sunday. (Beat.) Even I know that Sunday is the Lord’s day.

Daria and Jane each grab a side of the Friar and led him off in his daze.

Act #Whatever + 1 🙂

The three J’s coming running down a hallway and start pounding on a door. We hear the loud cry of frustration from beyond the door as the three J’s back up with worry on their faces. The door flies open and Lynn stands there draped in a bed sheet with an angry look on her pale green face. A male is within her chamber tied spread eagle to the bed but we are unable to tell who it is. A low moan emulates from the male as his head wobbles from side to side.

Lynn: (Can you say pissed?) WHAT?!?

Joey: Um, Princess Li sent us.

Lynn: (Waiting for more but she has to drag it out of them.) AND?!?

Jeffy: Um, the person she sent for from London has just arrived.

Lynn: And she wants me to meet this person right away, right?

Jamie: (The three J’s nod like their heads are going to come off.) She said right away, Sheriff.

Lynn: (She sighs.) OK, let her know I’m in the middle of something and won’t be down for fifteen minutes. (A loud moan comes from within the room.) Ten minutes.

The door slams as the three J’s run off with their message. The moans become louder and turn into muffled screams shortly afterwards. Kevin walks up to the door and knocks on it. A cry of anger comes from the bedroom as Kevin slowly backs away, a scared look on his face. He runs just as Lynn yanks open the door again to bite off the head of whomever is out there. Not finding anyone, she slams the door shut again.

Int. View: The Great Hall. Princess Li is seated in her throne working on paperwork and eating meat off of a dagger every few lines. Sheriff Lynn walks into the room and stands in front of the table waiting for Li to notice her. After a few minutes, Li looks up.

Li: Well, whatever you were doing didn’t take ten minutes. I hope whatever it was, wasn’t too hard.

Lynn: (A slight smirk.) Not after I was done with it.

Li: Well that’s good I guess. As I have always said, no task is too small. My hirelings must be able to take a firm grasp at…

Lynn: (Interrupting.) Please my lady. Let’s not go there.

Li: (She shrugs but continues.) The troubleshooter from London arrived in Lawndale a short time ago. I would like you to meet him as soon as possible.

Lynn: (She shrugs.) Fine with me. Where is he?

A male voice: Right behind you.

The click of a crossbow being set is heard. Lynn’s eyes go wide as her right leg kicks back between the legs of the man standing behind her. The troubleshooter is prepared for this and easily sidesteps this attack. Lynn drops to the ground, rolling over to face her attacker, a leg brought back to kick again. The point of the crossbow’s quarrel sticks in her face.

The male voice: Sheriff Lynn I presume? My name is Tom.

Lynn: Um, Tom. (A slight smirk.) Is that with an ‘h’ or without?

Tom: (He rolls his eyes.) Let’s not start that again, shall we?

Lynn: You have a strange way of greeting people.

Tom lowers the crossbow and holds out a hand to Lynn. She looks at it for a second and then picks herself up off of the floor without his help. Tom just shrugs and safeties his crossbow.

Tom: I have to know the level of expertise of the people I will be working with. This is the easiest way to do so. I meant no harm.

Li: Sheriff, I want you to assist Tom in any way he asks. We have to do something about those rebels sitting safely in Sick Sad Forest.

Lynn: I’m open for ideas. Nothing that I’ve come up with so far has worked.

Tom: It seems to me that the problem is you’re going into the forest to search for them. They’re on their own turf which they know very well, they can set up any ambush they want and you just have to walk into it. We have to find a way to draw them out of the forest.

Lynn: Nice reasoning but how do we draw them out of there? They have everything. Food, water, shelter, clothing. The peasants give them anything else that they need. They can stay in there for as long as they want to.

Tom: It sounds like you know their operation, Sheriff.

Lynn: They ambushed a patrol I was riding with and captured me. They blindfolded me and brought me to their campsite. They are very well organized.

Tom: (Thinking.) If they are that well set up, they probably have a pretty good defensive plan as well. Getting them out of the forest sounds more and more like the way to go on this one.

Li: But how do we get them out of there?

Tom: That’s easy. We just have to give them a reason.

Lynn: Like?

Act #Whatever + 2 🙂

Camera view: A close up of Daria’s face. And, no, we can’t see her pores.

Daria: (In disbelief.) The fair. You want to go to the fair.

Quinn: (From out of the shot.) Yes, we want to go to the fair.

The camera pulls back. Daria stands facing Quinn, Jane, and Brittany. The rest of the group including the fashion club surrounds them in a half circle, all looking at Daria. She stands there with her arms folded looking at them in disbelief.

Jane: I would like to see this thing you call an English fair. What will it be like?

Brittany: Oh, they’ll have good things to eat and rides and games of skill…

Daria: And the Sheriff and her men will be there with open arms waiting to capture us.

Quinn: Oh, Daria. Stop being so timid.

Daria: (Her arms go down to her side in anger.) I’m not being timid. (She stops to collect herself.) I just think that this would be a perfect chance for the Sheriff to try something.

Jane: Oh Daria, you seriously can’t believe that the Sheriff went through all this trouble just to attempt to capture you.

Brittany: (Starts to twirl her hair.) I wonder if they’ll have cotton candy.

Daria: Brittany, I’m sure they will. Why not? It would be a perfect chance for her to try something.

Brittany: What about caramel apples?

Jane: Sounds like it, Brittany. Why would she want to try anything?

Daria: You’re the one who stole her money and TP’ed her house. You tell me.

Brittany: I hope they have horsies.

Quinn: They always have rides, Brittany. Daria, it’s just a fair.

Daria: Quinn, here in the forest, we’re protected. We’ve been able to hit caravans and riders without being caught ourselves. The Sheriff and her men can’t find us while we stay in the forest. Once we leave it though, they can grab us.

Tiffany: I… need… a… vacation. My… mind… is… so… scrambled…

Quinn: Tiffany’s right. We’ve worked really hard and need some time off.

The group as a whole: Yea!

Daria: We’ll need to protect ourselves just in case it is a trap. That means going in small groups, wearing disguises, not doing anything to draw attention to yourselves, watching out for the Sheriff’s troops, and staying out of trouble.

Jane: (Smirking.) Yes, mommy. (A small chuckle comes from the group.)

Daria: (Also smirking.) Any more trouble, young lady, and it’s no dinner for you. (More chuckling.)

Tad and Tricia Gupty burst out from the trees and run up to the group. They are very excited.

Tricia: Lady Daria! Lady Daria! There’s another caravan approaching.

Tad: It had *TWO* wagons.

Tricia: I wanted to tell her about the wagons.

Tad: Fine. You can tell her about the twenty guards on horseback then.

Tricia: You just did!

Daria: Thanks you two. Now, go find your folks.

Tad: But we want to help.

Daria: You already have. (She turns back to her group of women while the Gupty’s run off.) We’ll talk about the fair later. Right now, we have a caravan to meet. Best place would be at the Zen Bridge.

Jane: (A slight smirk.) Don’t you mean the Zon Bridge?

Brittany: (The woman has raised hair twirling to an art form by now.) How can you mess up the name of some important place? [14]

Daria: Beats me. Twenty on horse does sounds like a lot though.

Jane: It does. Got a plan?

Daria: (She thinks for a second and then looks at Quinn.) You ladies have your costumes ready?

Quinn: Yes, but don’t you think that they’re a bit much?

Daria: In this day and age? Men will be trying to cover you up. Jane, you take your group and hide over the bridge. Quinn, you and your ladies go get changed. Everyone else know your places?

The group nods affirmative.

Daria: (A slight smirk.) Then let’s take these mothers out.

Jane: (She shakes her head as the rest run off.) I think you’ve been reading too many novels again, Daria.

Daria: Hopefully after this we’ll be able to read some more.

They run off together.

Ext. View: A road running through the forest. Four spear carrying horseman ride point in front of twelve more surrounding a pair of horse drawn wagons. The first wagon is a heavily armored model while the second one is a beat up old piece of crap, the sides of which barely show the white paint that used to be on them. Another four horsemen follow in the rear. The cameras follow them as they head down the path. They come around a corner and start riding to a bridge in the distance. The rider in the lead hears something and throws his arm up stopping the caravan. The sound of female giggling is heard coming from the stream. The four horsemen dismount and slowly walk up to the bridge to look over the edge. We see Quinn and the Fashion Club bathing themselves in various forms of undress. Well, undress for medieval times. We have a bare arm here, an ankle exposed there. They’re in their underclothes almost fully covered.

Quinn: So I said to the friar: ‘You have to do something with all those magazines’…

Tiffany: Those… magazines… had… pictures… of… naked… women… in… them…

Sandi: You know, Lady Quinn. If you spend as much time with the Friar as you with us, you’re skin will tan and you won’t be as pale as the rest of us.

Stacy: I hope I don’t tan. Do you think I’ve tanned at all? Can you look for me?

Stacy lifts her undergarment and exposes her ankle. One of the spying horsemen makes a sound of surprise that alerts the fashion club who turn at the sound.

One of the Horsemen: (Turning back to the rest of the caravan.) It’s the Lady Quinn!

One of the Horsemen from off screen: The Sheriff wants her. Grab her!

Quinn and her ladies take off at full speed. We see under their garments that they have retained their shoes. All but four of the horsemen ride after Quinn and her group while the ones that stay behind gather around the wagons.

Quinn and her group go running through the forest running around trees and in and out of bushes, the horsemen trying to keep up but having problems getting though the forest. One of the horsemen is thrown from his saddle followed by three more. The rest duck down and slow as they pass underneath the ropes that have seen hung between the trees.

We return to the wagons. The four horsemen look around nervously. Something small falls out of the trees, and lands near the four of them. They lean over as one to look at the object. An acorn rolls to rest near a horse’s hoof. The horsemen look up at one another as a number of Daria’s women jump out of the trees above them, knocking them off their mounts. The horses are lead into the forest while the riders are hidden in the bushes away from the trail. Daria leads the first wagon while Jane controls the other one. A couple of the younger children quickly brush the leaves back on the trail so it looks like nothing has been disturbed.

Quinn and her ladies are still outdistancing their followers. They jump behind some bushes to hide while the rest of the horsemen pass them by.

The Captain of the Guard, Pavlow, sits on his horse, looking at the empty space where he left the two wagons. A few weary men stumble into view followed by the rest still on horseback.

Pavlow: (Deep Russian accent.) Princess Li isn’t going to like this.

The camera centers its view on a large padlock attached to two wooden doors. A crowbar slides through the lock and starts to pry it open.

Barch: (Some strain is in her voice.) This lock was made by a man. It’s in the way.

The lock pops to the cheer of the unseen crowd. The doors open as Barch and Tiffany climb into the wagon and start passing out the gold and silver. Daria looks on in amusement. Jane walks up to her.

Jane: This treasure had a purpose.

Daria: Agreed but we have no way of finding out what that purpose is currently. (Beat.) So what was in the other wagon, Scarlet?

Jane: (A slight smirk.) I think you need to come take a look for yourself.

Daria raises an eyebrow but follows Jane over to the back of the other wagon. The doors are held open by Tiffany and Stacy as Daria peers in. The members of Mystic Spiral are passed out on benches and the floor.

Daria: Oh, look. It’s Trent.

Jane: And his Trent mobile? [15]

Jane pounds her fist against the wooden side in attempt to wake them up.

Jane: (Loud.) “Andale andale, arriba arriba!”

Max smacks his lips and rolls over to get more comfortable. Trent scratches his leg.

Jane: Do you want to go in there and wake them?

Daria: Go to hell, Scarlet.

Daria disappears out of sight for a minute, returning with the dinner gong. She rings it loud and long, enough that some members of her group have to cover their ears.

Daria: (Loud.) Dinner!

The band leaps as one to their feet, rushes out of the wagon, sits down at the closest table, and starts to shovel in food as fast as they can.

Barch: (Over the laughter of the rest of the women.) I didn’t become a cook just so any MAN could sit down and eat my grits.

Trent finally looks up with a drumstick at his mouth and discovers that they are deep in the woods and surrounded by strangely dressed women. Trent lowers the meat and pokes the rest of the band. All four look around.

Jesse: Whoa!

Trent: I don’t think that this is Liverpool, lads.

Nick: Maybe they have some more food.

Max: I don’t like the looks of this. I think they’re criminals.

Jane gives Daria a smirk and they both walk over to the table. Jane stands near Jesse with a foot of hers resting on the bench near him, her dagger in her hands cleaning her nails. Daria stands near Trent with her arms folded looking uncomfortable.

Jane: (Giving Jesse a sly look.) So, big boy. Come here often?

Jesse: Cool.

The rest of the band turns to Daria looking her over.

Barch: (From the background.) Be careful Lady Daria. Those are MEN. You know how they will treat you if you let them.

Daria: (Uncomfortable.) Hey.

Nick: Hey, do you have any more of this ale? It’s mighty tasty. Can you fetch us some?

Daria: (Coming out of her discomfort and beginning to get angry.) Excuse me?

Trent: I think that this is the chick that is in charge.

Jane: (Moving away.) Oh boy.

Daria: Excuse me? Chick? Do I look like a CHICK to you? My friends and I risked our lives to obtain that food that you just scarfed down and rescued you from Princess Li and her men.

Nick: I guess that means I’m not going to get anymore of this tasty ale?

Daria: Oh, I’ll give you some more ale.

Daria grabs a pitcher from a nearby table and pours the ale all over Nick, drenching him. The women cheer in the background. Trent has a smirk on his face.

Ext. View: Daria’s camp, later in the evening. Camp is beginning to settle down for the evening and torches are lit. Daria walks through the camp with the band in tow, Jane holding on to Jesse’s arm.

Jane: And I’m a wonderful singer. Maybe I can perform with you some time.

Daria: Is that what they call it in your country these days?

Jane: Daria!

Daria: (Smirking.) Why don’t you tell them about your last engagement in that prison?

Jane: (An aside to Daria.) Why don’t you just be quiet, Lady Daria? (To the band.) I don’t have to take this. Jesse, lets go find somewhere we can make music together.

Jesse: (As Jane pulls him away.) Cool.

Nick notices some of Daria’s group eating around a campfire and points this out to Max. They go off leaving Daria standing with Trent alone in the middle of the camp. Trent does his laugh-cough thing.

Trent: That was a good one, Lady Daria.

They continue their walk. Daria looks a tad uncomfortable.

Daria: So, what’s the name of your band?

Trent: Mystic Spiral but we’re thinking about changing it. Maybe Count Trent and his Merry Men. We were heading to Lawndale County to a gig at their summer fair. Plus I have to present the trophy for the final contest.

Daria: The summer fair? Um, yea. I heard something about that. (Daria’s women perk up at her mention of this and they start looking at her.)

Trent: Will you be attending, Lady Daria?

Daria: Um… (She sees the members of her group looking at her. She grabs Trent’s arm and begins to pull him away.) Maybe this would be a good time to show you the camp. (They go off together.)

Trent and Daria walking through another part of the camp. It’s quieter here. Daria still has her arm around Trent’s, leading him. They walk up to a middle aged couple sitting on the ground. Their clothing is ragged.

Daria: Lady Gupty, I trust you had enough to eat this evening?

Mrs. Gupty: Yes, Lady Daria. Didn’t we dear?

Mr. Gupty: Yes, we did. I hear tell our two youngest were a help to you, Lady Daria.

Daria: Yes, they were.

Daria and Trent continue to walk through the group, Daria shaking hands as she goes. She looks even less comfortable.

Trent: You have a lot of villagers here.

Daria: Most of them have had their houses and land taken by the sheriff for failure to pay Princess Li’s unfair taxes. (She uncomfortably pats the head of a youngster.) They escape into the forest to avoid Li’s overcrowded jails. They fear that once they go in, they’ll never get out again.

Trent: Whoa. You’re pretty cool to watch out for all these people.

Daria: (With a slight smirk.) Thanks. (The smile falls.) It doesn’t make it any easier though.

Daria walks off under Trent’s confused look.

Ext. View: The side of a brook. Daria sits on a rock overlooking the flowing water, deep in thought. She doesn’t notice Trent walk up with a guitar.

Trent: A gold piece for your thoughts.

Daria: A whole gold piece? That’s kind of expensive.

Trent: I need some new guitar strings. These are almost worn out.

Daria turns as Trent sits on a rock near her and starts to tune his guitar.

Trent: So what are you thinking about?


Need to finish here!

The scene slowly blurs out.

Trent: (With a slight echo effect.) Remember… Remember… Remember…

The scene suddenly snaps into sharpness with the camera pointed at a smirking Daria.

Daria: And you thought ‘Depth Takes a Holiday’ was bad.

The scene blurs out again, a bit quicker this time. It sharpens into a round, colonial window painted white. The camera pulls back to show a nursery filled with children.

Daria: (From off screen.) I remember it…

A diapered Daria with pigtails and a green shirt and socks rides through the room on a white play horse with wheels. She passes Upchuck riding a rocking horse but falling off backwards as he watches Daria go by, Trent and his group trying to play music on kiddie instruments, Quinn and the rest of the fashion club sitting in front of a mirror trying makeup on, Ted trying to read a book on corn upside down, and AP at a blackboard trying to figure out 1 plus 1.

Daria: (Off screen.) I remember something else…

Daria is now sitting in front of a set of wooden blocks. She has the letters ‘C’, ‘Y’, and ‘N’ lined up in a row and is thinking hard about them while sucking on a thumb. She looks up, quickly hiding her thumb sucking, as a woman wearing green and purple socks enters the shot. From behind the woman’s legs, a diapered, pony tailed Lynn appears also sucking her thumb. She nervously walks over near Daria looking at the blocks. After a second, she goes up and spells out ‘cynic’ with the blocks. Daria looks at Lynn and they smirk at each other.

Daria: (Off screen.) I remember being with Lynn when we were younger.

Daria and Lynn are standing beside each other, their hands over their ears, watching Trent and his group murder some music. Jesse makes a very loud mistake which starts a fight. Daria and Lynn look at each other and walk off.

Daria and Lynn watch Upchuck going back and forth on the rocking horse harder and harder each time. He’s trying to impress the girls. Daria and Lynn look at each other and walk off as he rocks too hard and goes off the back of the horse.

We watch Daria holding up the nursery door while Lynn tries to lead a wobbling Quinn out the door. The pair of green and purple socks comes running up to stop them.

Daria: (Off screen.) We were best of friends.

Lynn’s standing in front of an awed looking Quinn. Lynn’s trying to explain something to her while Quinn tries to understand. Lynn finally gives up and drags Quinn over to the mirror and starts to help Quinn with her makeup. Later we see Quinn who looks like a modern art project gone bad sitting in a circle with the rest of the fashion club who look on in amazement. Daria and Lynn are in the background trying not to smirk too hard.

Trent: (Off screen.) So what happened?

Daria: (Off screen.) I don’t remember…

Daria and Lynn are sitting on the floor playing with blocks. AP slowly waddles by being closely watched by Lynn. She climbs to her feet and waddles after him. Daria holds out a block to Lynn who ignores her. Daria watches her walk off with a look of hurt on her face.

Daria: (Off screen.) I remember now.

Lynn and AP are sitting at a table sharing some ice cream. Daria sits at another table with her own bowl of ice cream that is slowly turning into milk. She finally drops her spoon into the bowl and walks off.

Daria sits on the floor reading a book. Lynn and AP waddle by not paying her any attention. Daria watches them go by and then goes back to her reading.

Lynn and AP are sitting on the floor playing with some blocks trying to spell out words. Daria is sitting off in the distance with her own set but she is only watching them. After a bit, Lynn stands up, walks over to Daria, gets a block and returns to AP. Daria looks hurt.

Daria: (Off screen.) I felt lost without her.

Lynn and AP sitting on the floor playing with their blocks. The legs, again wearing purple and green socks, walk into the scene, picks up AP, and walks out. Lynn watches them go with a look of sadness. She looks around the room, sees Daria reading another book and walks over to her, plopping down on the ground nearby. Daria looks up for a brief second but returns to her book. Lynn just looks on.

Daria: (Off screen.) OK, so maybe we were both to blame.

We fade back to Daria and Trent still sitting on rocks by the brook. Daria looks uncomfortable while Trent sits beside her not sure what to do.

Daria: The question is what I can do about it to make it up to her.

Trent: Maybe you just need to reminder her of your friendship.

Trent raises an eyebrow as Daria turns away in thought.

Act #Half A Million

Ext. View: A small hill near the county seat of Lawndale Country. A forest ends near the summit, a small path leading out of it. Distant notes of music and the loud streaks of laughter and merriment are heard in the background over the next few lines that we hear out of the shot. The camera is slowly pulling in tight to the ground near the forest edge.

Barch: (Loud and angry.) Look at me! I’m dressed like a… I can’t even say it.

Daria: You look fine.

Barch: I look hideous!

Jane: It’s only for a day. I’m sure you can live that long. Plus you don’t get left behind.

Barch: But I’m a…

Four people step out of the forest and line up in a row. We can only see them from their knees down. They are dressed in brown trousers and heavy boots. The camera pulls back to show us Daria, Jane, Barch, and Brittany dressed like rugged outdoorsmen, with everyone wearing green tights except for Jane who has her normal black ones. Brittany has some padding around her torso to balance out the size of her chest. Jane has a moustache that she wiggles almost constantly. Brittany holds her quarterstaff while the rest carry their bows.

Barch: (A look of horror is on her face.) MAN!

Daria: Like Scarlet said, it’s only for a day.

Jane: (She wiggles her nose again.) My moustache itches.

Daria: Well if maybe you would stop playing with it, it would stop.

Brittany: You look like a cute little mouse.

Jane: (Annoyed, she reaches up to remove her moustache.) OK, the moustache is coming off. I’m not going to be anyone’s cute little mouse.

Daria: Scarlet, leave it. The Sheriff got a good look at you last time. She’ll remember you. Plus if I’ve got to wear mine… (She leans forward for a second. When she straightens, a full beard and moustache is on her face.) …you have to wear yours.

They all look at Daria. After a second, Daria twitches her nose.

Daria: It does itch, doesn’t it?

Brittany: So why did we have to come out of the forest so far south anyway?

Jane: So we won’t be in a large group. If the Sheriff and her men are looking for us, they’ll be looking for groups of people, not smaller bunches.

They walk off along the path.

Ext. View: An overview shot of the village near Princess Li’s castle, banners are hung on every street.

Ext. View: The fairgrounds. Smaller tents surround one very large one. Children run in between their parents. The roar of the crowd goes up in the background. The camera focuses on Princess Li as she walks through the fairgrounds, the three J’s in tow.

AP: (From behind her.) Princess Li! Princess Li!

The Princess Li turns around as Squire AP runs through the crowd, stopping in front of her.

AP: Princess Li. Sir Kevin says to report to you and tell you that he has captured the outlaw, Cynic Hood.

Li: I knew that besides all his bungling, Sir Kevin would bring honor to LAWNdale County. (She turns to the Squire.) Lead on, Squire Andrew. (They go off in a group together.)

The camera focuses on a man sized sack tied with a rope leaning up against a rock. The bag sways bag and forth as the person inside tries to escape. Lord Kevin, still in his armor, guards the sack, every few seconds poking at it with his sword tip. Some loud mumbling comes from the bag.

Kevin: Hey! (Poke.) I captured you. Stop (Poke.) moving (Poke.) around! (Poke.)

Some more mumbling comes from the bag as Princess Li comes up with AP and the three J’s in tow. Lord Kevin comes to attention still with that dopey grin on his face. Using the same hand that he is holding his sword with, Kevin snaps a salute to the Princess. The visor on his helmet slams shut and he almost stabs Li with his sword. She backs off to a safe distance before addressing him.

Li: Lord Kevin, your squire tells me that you have captured the outlaw, Cynic Hood.

Kevin: I did? Oh yea. I did. We stuffed her in this bag here. (He points with his sword.) You should have seen it. Tens, no, hundreds of her men surrounded me, all armed with swords. I slashed to the left and to the right and killed them all until I reached the outlaw.

Li: That’s great, Lord Kevin. (She looks around as the camera view changes to show the clean, pristine grass surrounding them.) I’m sure it was a tough fight.

Kevin: It wasn’t easy.

Li: I’m sure. Can I see her know?

Kevin: Oh sure.

Kevin unties the top of the bag. Out pops Lynn dressed in her Sheriff’s uniform. She tied up with ropes, her left eye is beginning to turn black and blue and she has a cut on her left cheek. Squire AP begins to chuckle softly until he sees the look on Lynn’s face.

Li: So you thought you could disguise yourself as our Sheriff to sneak in and cause trouble, did you?

The prisoner makes some grunts like she’s trying to explain to Princess Li.

Li: Save it for your trial. Right before your hanging, outlaw.

The prisoner makes a loud angry sigh, turns towards AP and begins her grunting again. AP looks at her closely. Li turns towards the three J’s.

Li: Take the prisoner to the deepest darkest dungeon. Put her next to that Jimmy Hoffa guy we captured last week.

The three J’s pull the prisoner away. She fights them every step. AP slowly walks up to Li who stands there with a big smile on her face.

AP: Um, Princess Li. I don’t think that that is the outlaw, Cynic Hood.

Li: Nonsense. Who else would it be?

The prisoner’s foot comes down hard on Joey’s foot. He falls to the ground in pain.

AP: I think that that is Sheriff Lynn. They do look alike.

The Sheriff then kicks Jeffy in the shins and body slams Jamie over Joey. She kicks all three in the ribs just to be on the safe side, storms over to AP, screams something at him through her gag, reverses herself and shoves her tied hands in front of him. AP quickly unties her hands and she removes the rest of the ties once her hands are free. Lynn looks like she could kill right now.

Lynn: (She’s pissed. She moves towards Kevin.) You! Idiot!

Kevin: Why did you untie the outlaw, Squire?

Lynn: Because I’m not Daria! I’m Lynn!

Kevin: Sure! You’re just trying to fool me, outlaw.

Lynn: You idiot! Can’t you tell the difference between the two of us?

Kevin: But you look like her.

Lynn: (Turns to Princess Li and says in a sickenly sweet voice.) Excuse us for a minute.

Lynn yanks Kevin out of the shot while Li turns to AP. We hear some hard slaps followed by Kevin’s pleading.

Li: After Sheriff Lynn has finished talking with Lord Kevin, please make sure that they both are again searching for the outlaw.

AP: Yes, my lady.

Li takes one last look at Lynn and Kevin before walking off. AP just cringes as he looks on.

The camera view changes to show Daria, Jane, Brittany and Barch walking into the fairgrounds. Jane is looking over her shoulder at AP running to catch up with Princess Li. Kevin is rolling on the ground as Lynn stands over him delivering a couple more kicks for good measure.

Daria: Do you think they saw us?

Jane: (Turning back around.) Nah, they’re too busy trying to knock some sense into Lord Kevin. (Beat.) For all the good that it will do them.

Daria: Good. (Daria nods to a pair of women dressed like they are.) Hopefully our disguises will hold up.

Barch: Princess Li and Sheriff Lynn have really only seen the two of you. With your moustaches, they shouldn’t recognize you. (Beat and then realizes something.) Me on the other hand…

Daria: (She comes to an abrupt stop. Brittany almost runs her down from behind.) Damn, that’s right.

Jane: Leave that to me. (Jane leads Barch out of the shot.)

Daria: Just remember you have to be there for the main event. (Turning to Brittany.) Well, I guess it’s you and me, kid.

Brittany: (Starts twirling her hair.) Huh?

Daria: Never mind. Where do you want to go to first?

Brittany: (She brightens up.) Horsies! (She grabs Daria by the arm and drags her off.)

Music – Beats me

Jane coming out of a small tent wiping white paint off her hands with a rag. A pair of muscular men walk by and Jane smiles after them. She continues to look around with a smile until she turns behind her. She frowns and reaches into the tent, pulling out Ms. Barch. She’s now dressed in a clown’s costume while her face is painted white. She does not look too happy about it. Jane shrugs and they walk off together.

Daria is leading a small pony around a circular track. Brittany, with a huge smile, is bouncing up and down on the back of the pony looking very happy. Daria takes a step and a look of disgust crosses her face. She lifts her boot, makes an even worse face and tries to scrape it off a near by tree. Brittany looks on at Daria with a little bit of concern but then begins bouncing again. Daria looks at the pony and they both roll their eyes.

A much bruised Kevin walking through the crowd holding a couple of small drawings of Daria and Jane, Squire AP following closely. He spies the moustache wearing Daria and looks at his drawing of Jane. He shakes his head, as they don’t match. He spies Jane off in the distance and compares her against the drawing of Daria. AP reaches over Kevin’s shoulder and attempts to explain what the problem is but Kevin will not hear of it. AP rolls his eyes as they walk off, Kevin holding up the drawings to his face as he checks everyone out.

As Daria and Jane walk away from the camera along a row of booths set up for craftsmen, they notice a couple walking past them in the opposite direction. They turn in surprise as a young male dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, khaki shorts and a blue fisherman’s hat walks by arm in arm with a young Oriental woman dressed in black sweat pants and a gray t-shirt with a collegic symbol on the front. Jane appears to ask Daria the identity of the couple which Daria confirms holding up a finger. Jane shrugs and they walk off.

Quinn and the fashion club are on a stage wearing beautiful dresses. The camera pans across them as they strut their stuff for the unseen judges, ending on an ugly old hag missing most of her teeth standing there in rags. Bing and the Spatula Man work the crowd while pointing out each contestant. The Spatula Man reaches down to take an envelope from out of the audience. He unfolds it and reads the sheet, a look of surprise crossing his face quickly but he recovers. As he reads off the winner to the crowd, the fashion club gets mad and storms off, leaving the old hag on the runway, now wearing the crown. A shot of three very old men clapping, the judges, is shown.

The camera pans across a picnic table littered with empty, cherry covered pie pans. Mystic Spiral and Mrs. Johanson are sitting on the benches holding their stomachs and their heads. The last person on the bench, Jane, looks on with interest as she downs another slice of pie, putting aside the pan on a much larger stack than any of the guys have in front of them.

Jane and Daria are standing in front of a booth looking at pottery. Jane looks up, does a double take and wacks Daria on her arm pointing out another couple walking by. They both look on as a very short woman dressed in a white t-shirt and faded blue jeans, covered with electronic gadgets and rolling her eyes walks ahead of a typical cheerleader type who is whining about something. Jane turns to Daria asking the identity of the couple. Daria nods while holding up a pair of fingers. They return to looking over the booth.

Sheriff Lynn walking through the fair looking left and right, the three J’s in tow. She’s looking for Daria and her band of women. Daria and Jane round a corner, see her and quickly duck under cover. Lynn and company passes them by as they make their escape.

A large empty field set up for the jousting. Two armed men sitting on horseback are at either ends of the field. Lord Mack, on one horse, leans over and receives a kiss from Lady Jodie. Lord Kevin, sitting on the other horse, sees this and a smile comes over his face. He leans over to find Sheriff Lynn standing there and puckers up. Needless to say Lynn makes a disgusted face and walks off. Kevin opens an eye to find her not there and leans over to the other side to find Lady Brooke standing there. The shot changes to show Lord Mack begin to gallop down the field, a lance at ready. As they come close, Kevin’s horse gallops to meet the threat. Lady Brooke leans back watching Lord Kevin gallop away. She discovers she’s leaning against Kevin’s lance and calls out after him, pointing at the lance. She cringes after a few seconds.

Daria and Jane walking through the fair looking at the sites. Jane’s face lights up as she spots something off screen and she pulls Daria out of view. The camera view changes to show them standing in front of a wood corral containing a pair of elephants dressed up as royal pages. Jane is making hand motions like she’s trying to explain a plan to Daria who just stands there with raised eyebrows. After Jane finishes, Daria walks away trying not to laugh.

Brittany and Joey standing on a log, battling with quarterstaffs, a crowd of peasants surrounding them watching. They knock the staffs together a couple of times until Joey knocks Brittany’s hat off onto the log. Brittany stoops to pick it up, jamming the end of her staff against Joey’s crotch. He bends over in pain and falls to the ground. The crowd cheers as Brittany stands upright wondering what is going on. She sees Joey on the ground moaning in pain. A smile comes across her face as she begins to twirl her hair.

A female preacher dressed in a long brown robe leans on a walking stick as she works the crowd. A blond Mohawk haircut leads into a braid almost reaching the ground. She turns and spots Daria and Jane trying to sneak past the crowd. She begins to follow but is pulled back by a tall leggy redhead dressed in an Indiana Jones getup. She shakes her head, the preacher shrugs, and they walk off together. The camera pulls back to Daria and Jane who is holding up three fingers. Daria nods and they walk off together.

Jane and Daria walking through the fairgrounds, both with legs of mutton. The Mystic Spiral band members stumble past, still holding their stomachs. Daria makes a comment about them to Jane who nods and holds up a blue ribbon while taking another bite of mutton. Daria shakes her head and they walk off.

Friar Ruttheimer walks through the crowd preaching to the masses. Adrian and Courtney run up to him. After looking around, he pulls out a couple of the action figures from under his robes and gives them to the children in exchange for a few coins. They walk off in opposite directions.

Jane is kneeling down in an outhouse carving something into a wooden wall. Daria leans in to see what she is carving and she smirks. Daria shakes her head as she pulls Jane away. The camera pulls in on the carving and we read “For a good time, call Dr. Mike at…”

Ext. View: The jousting field. A large tent covers filled bleachers along one side of the field. A large target is now painted at one end of the field while a row of covered objects are lined up at the other end. The camera focuses on a reviewing stand near the tent. Princess Li, Lord Mack, Lady Jodie and Count Trent are seated in the stand. Princess Li leans over the edge of the stand and Sheriff Lynn comes immediately to her side.

Li: Is everything in place, Sheriff?

Lynn: Yes, my Lord. I have spread most of my men through out the crowd. Tom and a couple of handpicked guards are hidden also waiting for the signal.

Li: And what is the signal, Sheriff?

Lynn: (She pulls a white paperback book out of a pocket.) Just hand this book to Lady Daria. That is what the men are waiting for.

Li: (Reading the title on the front cover.) “Twenty five ways to over throw your leader.”

Li and Lynn look at one another.

Lynn: So I know what to prepared for, my Lady. It’s a security measure.

Li: Very good, Sheriff. (She puts the book down on her chair.) I may give it a read after this is over. It’s a shame that these outlaws have to drag down the honor of LAWNdale county. (Beat.) I wish you luck in the upcoming competition, Sheriff Lynn.

Lynn: Um, thanks.

The Sheriff goes off. Princess Li turns to Count Trent.

Li: I hope you have recovered from your experiences at the hand of Cynic Hood, Count Trent.

Trent: Um, yea.

Li: I’m sure you were in constant danger from that scary woman.

Trent: Um, not really.

Li: Deep in the forest, surrounded by dangerous men and women. I hope it wasn’t too scary.

Trent: (He shrugs.) It wasn’t too bad. They fed us.

Li: Um, yes…

Loud horn blowing by the three J’s interrupts this conversation. Bing and the Spatula Man stand off to the side near the reviewing stands.

Spatula Man: Hey, Lawndale County! Are you ready to par-tay crazy?

Bing: I’m Bing.

Spatula Man: And I’m the Pitchfork Man! We’re mental in the Medieval!

Bing: ‘Cause you got to be crazy to make it through the Lawndale Harvest Fair!

The crowd in the stands goes wild. Daria and Jane stand on the jousting field off to the side near some of the group. Daria looks at Jane and smirks.

Daria: Why do I get this sudden urge for ice cream?

Jane: (Also smirking.) Better be some damn good ice cream.

Pitchfork Man: That’s right, Bing. We’re here at the final event, the cream la resistance, the cap of the matterhorn, the big bopper.

Daria and Jane look at each other and hang their heads.

Bing: The ‘Mater Catapult Archery Competition.

The tarps are pulled off the objects. We see large catapult like machines with large rubber bands hanging from between a ‘Y’ like structure on the front. Buckets of huge tomatoes are carried out onto the field and placed near each machine.

Pitchfork Man: That’s right, Bing. Each team of three will fire off a total of five tomatoes each at the target 150 paces away. The top three scores will advance to the final round where they will fire a total of three tomatoes each. The highest score wins the grand prize.

Bing: The prize of course is the Golden Tomato (We now see a close up of this resting on a cushion on the reviewing stand.) presented by the Count Trent of Lane. (Who is asleep on the stand.)

Jane notices Daria turning slightly red at this announcement. A small smirk appears on her face.

Jane: Are you OK, Lady Daria? I wouldn’t want you getting nervous before you get to meet the Count.

Daria: Go to Hell, Scarlet.

Jane: (She holds out a hand.) Good luck to you, Daria. I hope I don’t beat you too badly.

Daria: Yea, right.

They shake hands and Daria walks off to her team of Brittany, and Quinn. Jane watches her leave and then walks over to her team of Upchuck and Barch.

A little while later… Three outdoors men are taking their turn at a catapult. One loads a large tomato in the cup attached to the rubber band, another one tightens the band using as crank on the side of the launcher while the third lines the launcher up, pulls the release lever and fires it off to the roar of the crowd. The tomato flies through the air and splats itself against the target in the outer ring. The crew looks disappointed.

Bing: Oh, that’s a tough break. The crew from Highland just makes the outer ring again for two points.

Pitchfork Man: That’s right, Bing. Three outer rings for two points each and two complete misses gives them a score of six. They don’t make the final cut.

The Highland team walks off the field with their heads hung low.

Bing: So, Pitchfork Man. Who are our three finalists today?

Pitchfork Man: That would be the teams of Sheriff Lynn’s, (We see a shot of her, Jeffy and Jamie.) the Green Team from Sick Sad Forest, (A shot of Daria, Brittany and Quinn.) and the Red Team also from Sick Sad Forest. (Another shot of Jane, Upchuck and Barch. Jane’s nose is still twitching.)

Bing: A complete surprise that Sheriff Lynn’s team has made it this far. Rumor has it that they have been practicing straight through for the last week. The search for the outlaw Cynic Hood has prevented them from practicing.

Pitchfork Man: That’s right, Bing. They certainly looked rough during the first round. Maybe some more practice would have done them good. (The sound of a sword being pulled is heard and the tip slowly appears in the shot pointed at a now nervous Pitchfork Man.) I may be wrong though. I’m sure that the Sheriff will do an excellent job on the field. (The sword moves away.)

Sheriff Lynn is lining up the catapult as Jeffy loads a tomato in the band and Jamie starts to crank it tight. Joey is off on the side looking uncomfortable all alone. Lynn make one more slight adjustment and pulls the lever. The tomato goes flying to splat in the center ring. The crowd cheers.

Bing: A bulls eye for ten points! That was a great shot.

Pitchfork Man: That’s right, Bing. But they have two more shots. Let’s see how they do.

Lynn is shown lining up the catapult for her next shot. Kevin, looking more bruised now, comes running up.

Kevin: Sheriff Lynn! Sheriff… Oops!

Kevin trips over a root in the ground and knocks against the catapult, shoving it out of place just as Lynn pulls the launch level. The large tomato flies through the air and lands on Princess Li’s head, drenching her in tomato guts. The crowd roars with laughter as Li stands and attempts to shake off the tomato guts, Mack and Jodie helping her. Trent has finally woken up to find paste on his shirt front which he proceeds to wipe off. Li glares at Lynn and Kevin.

Lynn: Now you’ve done it.

Bing: Well it looks like Sheriff Lynn and her team won’t be taking their last shot as they run over to help Princess Li clean up.

Pitchfork Man: That’s right, Bing. I hope this they won’t have to catch-up later on.

Bing: I’m sure you can bet your beef-steak on that one, Pitchfork Man.

Pitchfork Man: With a total of ten points for the bulls eye, what do you think of their chances?

Bing: About as good as this author coming up with a tomato joke that actually worked, Pitchfork Man.

Pitchfork Man: That’s right, Bing. I couldn’t agree with you more. (He consults a list.) Next up is Team Red from Sick Sad Forest.

Bing: It looks like that they’re having some problems though.

Pitchfork Man: That’s right, Bing. Looks like some of the team members are having problems with the concept of team spirit.

Ext. View: Another ‘mater catapult. Jane’s placing a tomato against the rubber band while Upchuck is attempting to crank the wheel that stretches the rubber band. Ms. Barch is leaning over his shoulder yelling into his ear.

Upchuck: (Straining.) I assure you madam that I am using all the strength I can.

Barch: You Man! Excuses! Excuses! That’s all men are worth for. Ask them to do a bit of work and they say how overworked they are. Ask them to put their backs into it and they complain about a lousy headache.

Upchuck makes one last turn of the wheel and locks it in place. He takes one look at Ms. Barch and decides to slip away. She watches him go as Jane finishes lining up the catapult. She takes a step back and yanks at the handle. The tomato goes flying and splats in the middle ring to the left of the center target.

Bing: The middle ring is good for five points.

Pitchfork Man: That’s right, Bing. Let’s see how they do with their second shot.

Jane is again lining up the catapult while Barch is standing over Upchuck as he struggles with the wheel. Ms. Barch throws up her hands into the air, shoves Upchuck out of the way and finishes tightening the wheel. Ms. Barch steps back as Jane pulls the lever. The tomato again splats against the outer ring, this time on the right of the center target.

Bing: Two more points!

Pitchfork Man: That’s right, Bing. That gives them a total of seven points so far with one tomato left for them to shoot.

Jane steps away from the catapult while Upchuck again cranks on the wheel under Ms. Barch’s glare. They step back and Jane reaches for the launch handle. She stops as she looks off screen at something. A smirk appears on her face as she makes a slight adjustment to the catapult. She pulls the handle with a purpose. Jane, Ms. Barch, and Upchuck watch the tomato fly over the stands. Jane has a grin on her face.

Barch: Well that was a clean miss.

Jane: Was it?

Ext. View: Behind the stands a short distance from them. Val and Monique stand on a small path chatting. Val is dressed in a gown fit to be worn by a lady of the court complete with a plunging neckline while Monique’s gown is dark, black and gloomy. A high pitched whistle is heard as they turn to the stands. The camera angle changes to show the tomato coming straight at them splattering against the camera lens. We return to the first shot to show them standing there now covered in red tomato paste.

Bing: And their third shot goes over the crowd.

Pitchfork Man: That’s right, Bing. They finish with a total of seven points, behind Sheriff Lynn’s team. The green team from Sick Sad Forest is the last team to compete in the finals.

Need to finish here!

Daria’s group escape into the forest but Daria pauses at the tree line. She turns, smirks as she lifts her hat, and takes a deep bow. She takes a few steps backwards, places her hat back on her head, and rushes off into the forest. The camera pans back to the reviewing stand. Princess Li stands glaring where they ran off to. She stews for a few seconds then turns on Sheriff Lynn and Tom.

Li: Do you have anything to say?

Lynn and Tom look at one another. They turn off to the side as the bleachers fall to the ground with a crash. They turn back as Trent wakes up with a yawn.

Trent: Morning. Did I miss anything?

Li storms off while Tom follows. Lynn watches for a second, turns to where Daria’s group disappeared into the forest, and stands there thinking.

Act #I lost count a long time ago

Int. View: A large tent, about ten feet on each side. A cot is along the back wall of the tent, covered with blankets. A chair sits at the end of the cot, a couple of books stacked on the seat. A lit lantern hangs in the center. Daria, holding her sword and still carrying the book Princess Li gave her, throws up the tarp covering the entrance but turns to look out. We can hear loud partying in the background.

Daria: No, I’m turning in. You go on and have (Beat.) fun.

Jane: (From outside of the tent.) Well, if you insist.

Daria looks out at the celebration for a second but lets the tarp fall shut. The noise level drops but is still in the background. She sighs as she drops her sword and the book on the chair and collapses across the bed facedown. She lays there for a few seconds but picks her head up at loud cheering from outside. She sighs, picks herself up and crosses to the chair. She leans the sword against the side of the chair and picks up the stack of books looking at the titles. She stops at the book Princess Li gave her, noticing the title finally. Her eyebrows raises as she places the other books on the bed and sits down to read the book. As she open the book, a note drops out of the pages onto Daria’s lap. As she reads the note, a look of surprise appears on her face. She races out of the tent, stopping only to pick up her sword.

Ext. View: A wooded area with a castle well as a backdrop. A covered well for water sits in the middle of the scene. Daria slowly walks into the scene, her sword drawn like she’s expecting trouble. Her eyes scan the scene but she still jumps slightly on the next line.

Lynn: (From off stage.) You can put your sword away. I’m not going to try anything.

Daria glares as Sheriff Lynn steps out from behind a tree. She rests her hand on her sword but she does not draw. They stand there for a second staring at each other.

Lynn: I don’t blame you for not trusting me but I do feel really uncomfortable talking to a sword point.

Daria: Looks pretty good from my side though.

Lynn shrugs and pulls out her sword. Daria takes a step back into a defensive position but it surprised when Lynn tosses her sword to the ground in between them.

Lynn: There, I’m defenseless and you have the only weapon. Happy now?

Daria: (Deadpan.) Thrilled. (Beat.) Your note said you wanted to talk to me.

Lynn looks again at the sword in Daria’s hands. Daria sighs and returns the sword to her belt.

Lynn: Thank you.

Daria: Just don’t give me a reason to regret it.

Lynn: Funny, I was thinking the same thing.

They stand there looking at one another for a few seconds.

Lynn: You know something. I’m impressed with what you have done so far.

Daria gives Lynn a strange look.

Daria: What do you mean?

Lynn: You’ve yet to kill anyone. Not one person you have robbed from has even been hurt. (Beat and then with a smirk.) Just a few stripped of their clothing I’ve noticed. Makes for a nice show when they come into town.

Daria: I don’t like to kill. I saw enough death during the crusades. (Beat.) And you can thank Scarlet for the free show.

Lynn: I had a feeling she had something to do with the clothing. (Beat.) You know sooner or later, you’re going to have to kill someone. (Another beat.) Maybe even me.

Daria: I know that.

Lynn: It’s not a good feeling, knowing you’re going to have to kill.

Daria: You know if you brought me out this way just to waste my time…

Lynn: No, I was just thinking about much alike we are. Trying to do what’s best for the people of this county.

Daria: Sorry, I don’t think throwing all the peasants you can into prison qualifies as doing what is best for the people. If that was really true, you would do something to prevent Li from doing more harm against the peasants.

Lynn: (She shrugs.) To each their own. (Beat.) I wanted to warn you. Princess Li has set forth a plan to find your base camp within Sick Sad Forest. She won’t tell me anything about it but she’s been gathering her forces for an attack to wipe the entire camp out.

Daria: (She looks at Lynn with amazement.) Why do you share this information with me?

Lynn: Like I said, we both do what is best for the people of this county.

Li: (From off screen.) So you give information to the enemy and inform them of my plans?

Lynn and Daria whirl around as Princess Li, Sir Kevin, Squire Andrew, and the three J’s emerge from the trees and surround the two with swords pointed at them. The squire stops long enough to pick up the sheriff’s sword from the ground.

Li: My own sheriff plotting against me and working with the enemy.

Lynn: (A look of anger crosses her face.) Now wait a minute. I haven’t been working with Lady Daria…

Li: No wonder why you failed so many times to capture her. You didn’t have any reason to try very hard now, did you?

Lynn: I busted my butt to capture her.

Li: (She waves off Lynn’s excuses.) Save it for your trial, Sheriff. (To her troops.) Take them prisoner. If they resist, kill them. (She walks off. The guards pull in tighter as Lynn and Daria stand back to back in a defensive position.)

Lynn: I guess I’m on your side now.

Daria: Looks like it. (Beat.) So do we fight?

Lynn: Looks like we do. (Beat.) You had to get me to drop my sword, didn’t you?

Daria: Um, sorry? (Beat.) I’ve got a dagger you can use.

Lynn: (She makes a small smirk as she flexes her arm in a weird way. A hidden dagger pops out of her sleeve and into her hand.) So do I.

Daria: Why did I know you had something up your sleeve?

Lynn: (With a smirk.) You read the script?

Daria: (Rolling her eyes.) So much for trying to stay in character.

Music – Beats me

Sir Kevin looks at the three J’s and makes a motion at the girls. The three J’s slowly advance, their swords at the ready. Joey takes a stab at Daria but she counter attacks and sends his sword flying. She body slams him and knocks him out with her sword handle. Jeffy attacks Lynn but she flicks her sword, disarms him, and shoves an elbow into his stomach. He falls to his knees and Lynn knocks him out with a hand chop to the neck. Jamie makes a move against Daria. She stomps on his foot, shoves him towards Lynn who drops him with another chop to his neck.

Sir Kevin looks at the three bodies on the ground and his dopey grin actually falls. Kevin looks back at the two women, remembers that he’s fighting two women, the dopey grin returns, and he advances. Daria and Lynn look at one another again. Kevin advances on Lynn and makes an attack. She diverts his sword, delivers a kick against his knee and shoves him away. He trips against a stone bench and goes flying into Daria. They go falling to the ground.

Daria pulls herself from under Kevin, slowly rises to her feet, gives Lynn a look and turns towards an uncomfortable looking Squire Andrew. She takes a step but is stopped by Lynn. Lynn turns towards AP and makes a motion that he should leave. AP stands there holding his sword looking very nervous. Lynn sighs, comes at AP, sends his sword flying with a move with her dagger, spins him around, kicks him hard on the rear, and sends him flying away. Daria looks at her but Lynn just shrugs.

Lynn and Daria turn to look at the four unconscious men on the ground. Daria begins to walk off but stops and turns back. Lynn is standing there looking back between the castle and the bodies on the ground. Daria moves back and makes a motion that Lynn should follow. Lynn sighs, takes one last look at the scene and follows Daria out.

Tom comes out from behind a bush. He’s dressed in black and keeps to the shadows. He looks like he makes a wink to the camera but it’s too hard to tell in the dark. He follows Daria and Lynn from a distance.

Hey look it’s commercial time.

Daria and Jane sitting in chairs behind a low table. The table is filled with the action figures from Upchuck’s wagon. Boxes surround them also filled with the dolls.

Jane: Oh look Daria. It’s another commercial. I thought that these fanfics were suppose to be done without profit?

Daria: Makes me feel like we’re on PBS instead of MTV.

Jane: PBS?

Daria: Snuck onto the air instead of commercial breaks.

Jane: I guess we better get this over with. I believe it’s your line?

Daria: (Reading from a cue card.) As you sit back reading Dr. Mike’s latest and… (She pauses and then turns to Jane.) Does that really say ‘greatest’?

Jane: Yup.

Daria: (Starting again.) …greatest work, Cynic Hood, don’t you feel the need for something to remember it by?

Jane: I feel a need but it’s something different.

The voice from off stage: Can we just please read the cue cards so we can get back to the story? I want to get it done some time this year. I’ve only been writing it for seven months now.

Daria: I guess he’s no longer paying for ad libs?

Jane: I guess not. Well, there goes my paycheck. (Beat.) Announcing the new line of possible action figures based on the Cynic Hood story line. New from theApparatus.daria.

Daria: Starting off with, of course, me as Cynic Hood (She holds up an action figure.) complete with bow.

Jane: The evil Sheriff Lynn (She holds up Lynn’s figure.) also with bow and working handcuffs.

Daria: The beautiful Lady Quinn (She holds up Quinn’s figure.) complete with bow and fake deer target.

Jane: The mean Princess Li (You can guess what figure she now holds up.) with leg of mutton and goblet of wine.

Daria: The funny Friar Ruttheimer (You have the hang of this now?) complete with walking stick and girlie magazines.

Jane: The three J’s as a group so you can lose them as a group. (She looks around.) What did I do with them anyway?

Daria: How did you get stuck with all the evil characters while I got all the good ones?

Jane: (Still looking around for the missing figures.) Who knows. (She gives up and looks back at Daria.) Author’s pick?

Daria: (Looking at her next figure.) Oh wait. I got one. Sheriff Lynn wrapped in bed sheet. (She holds that one up as well.)

Jane: The evil witch Andrea… (She pauses.) Hey wait a minute. How did Lynn get two figures?

Daria: (She lifts the figure back up so they can both get a look at it.) I have no idea.

Jane: Oh wait. It’s doesn’t say Lynn. It says Can-…

Jane’s eyes go wide as she stares at the doll. She reaches over and pulls the doll closer so they can both look at it. They look at the doll, look at one another, and then look at the camera. Daria quickly hides the figure.

Jane: Remember the Cynic Hood action figure line. (Something pops into her mind and she starts looking at the other action figures.)

Daria: Available where ever toys and Daria fanfics are available. (Beat.) Jane, what are you doing?

Jane: I’m looking for any other interesting action figures. You know. Like Kem with street sign, CN with mailbag, or Paperpusher with Ram’s head. Maybe even Smoochy with ceiling fan.

Daria: (With a smirk.) theApparatus.daria. Digging holes for the author since 1999.

Act #But will you respect me in the Morning?

Int. View: Daria’s tent. The camera is focused in close on the cot covered with blankets. A body stirs slightly as a yell is heard from the outside. After more yells, some of them with anger behind them, Daria, wearing her mustard colored t-shirt, sits up on the cot letting the blankets fall away. As she stretches and looks around the tent, the camera pulls back to show a sleeping bag on the floor covering of the tent. It’s empty but it looks like someone slept there last night. Daria yawns and, not hearing anything else, starts to slide back under the blankets. A sudden yell brings her upright automatically as she swings her legs out from under the blankets and she reaches for her sword which leans against the chair. People running past her tent awakens her fully as she stands and runs out of the tent.

Ext. View: Lynn, dressed in a purple t-shirt, white shorts and socks, stands in the doorway holding a roll of toilet paper. Jane, dressed in a red t-shirt with black shorts, and Brittany, dressed in a blue t-shirt and yellow shorts, guard Lynn’s exit from the outhouse. A large number of Daria’s group, similarly dressed, surround the outhouse. They don’t look too happy as they keep their swords and quarterstaffs handy. Jane has her sword pointed at Lynn.

Lynn: But I’ve already told you what I’m doing here. Lady Daria invited me when Li thought I turned traitor.

Jane: (She moves the sword point towards Lynn’s heart.) The only thing I want to hear out of you is where you want it. Through the heart or (She moves the point further up.) along the throat.

Lynn: Look. All you have to do is ask Lady Daria and she’ll explain.

Jane: Well I guess I just have to make up my own mind.

Jane pulls back her sword and is about to shove it into Lynn’s body when…

Daria: (Off screen.) What is going on here?

Jane stops abruptly when Daria shoves her way through the crowd and stands in front of Lynn, blocking Jane’s thrust.

Jane: Excuse me, Daria. I have to take out the trash. Pity there’s no dumpster near by. (She tries to shove Daria out of the way to get to Lynn.)

Lynn: Trash? Who are you calling trash you little foreign born…

Daria grabs both of them by their shirt fronts and shoves them apart.

Daria: (Annoyed.) Both of you knock it off. It’s too early for this and I haven’t had my coffee yet!

Daria glares at Jane who stands there open mouthed her sword still pointed in Lynn’s direction.

Jane: But it’s the Sheriff!

Daria: Sheriff Lynn is here at my request. I went to meet her last night near the castle, we were surprised by Princess Li and her men, and now Li thinks she has joined our side. If I had left her behind, she would have been jailed or killed.

Jane: (An evil smirk at Lynn.) Sounds good to me. From the stories I’ve heard since I got her, I think death might be too good for her.

Daria: Scarlet, she was doing those things under Li’s orders.

Jane: That still doesn’t mean we should trust her.

Daria looks at Lynn who shrugs admitting the point. Daria sighs and turns back to Jane.

Daria: (A little softer.) No, it doesn’t. But as long as she’s here in this camp, we will treat her as my guest.

Jane looks at Lynn for a second and lowers her sword.

Li: (Off screen with a bit of a sneer in her voice.) How touching. The treacherous Sheriff has returned to the rebel camp.

The group turns as one to look where Li’s voice is coming from. Princess Li, Tom, and Jerome sit on horseback on a small ridge looking over the camp.

Li: Tell me, Sheriff. Was what they were paying you for insider information worth your upcoming death?

Lynn: (Stepping away from the group.) What? I’m not siding with them. I told you that. I’m only here because you think I turned traitor. (Under her breath.) Bitch.

Li: (Ignoring Lynn.) I will give you ladies one chance. Surrender and I will spare your lives. Make things difficult and…

Upchuck pushes himself through the group and falls to his knees in front of the group, his hands clasped as in prayer. He’s dressed in a black Playboy t-shirt and tiger stripped printed shorts.

Upchuck: Please have pity on me. They have been holding me as their love slave! Hour after hour giving them pleasure over and over again…

An arrow slams into the ground between his knees. Upchuck gulps and stares at it with huge eyes. He stumbles to his feet and runs off in terror. The camera shows Tom lowering his crossbow with a grin on his face.

Li: Nice shot. (Yelling again at the camp.) Surrender now or make things difficult. I will take this camp by force if I have to.

Jane: (Taking a step forward.) Yeah, you and who’s army?

The sound of battle cries reaches the group as the camera changes to show the hill ridge. Hundreds of well armed Huns scream and yell as they storm up to the rim of the ridge. They are dressed in filthy animal skins and furs and armed with stained, rusty swords. They yell continuously readying themselves for the upcoming battle. The camera changes back to show a very surprised Jane. She steps back into the group.

Daria: You and your big mouth.

Lynn: You had to ask her. You couldn’t have let her comment go by you.

Jane: Um, Daria. I think we’re in deep doo-doo. What will we do?

Daria: (With a sad smirk.) You finally got the line right, Jane.

Li points at the camp and the Huns charge down the side of the hill, their battle cries screamed at the top of their lungs.

Daria and Lynn turn back to the group.

Daria: Quinn, get the townsfolk out of here and to safety. Scarlet, the defense of the camp is up to you. Get everyone armed and prepared.

Lynn: Scarlet, your sword.

Jane, with a moment’s hesitation, throws her sword at Lynn, handle first. Lynn catches it with ease, switching hands with the toilet paper. The group runs off to prepare as Lynn and Daria rush forward to meet the advancing Huns.

Daria: You know, we have to stop meeting like this.

Lynn: Next time, we’ll invite them over for tea.

They stand side by side in a defensive pose shoulder to shoulder. The first three Huns run into the camp. Lynn throws the roll of toilet paper at a Hun to get him off guard as the other two are met with sword points driven into their guts. As they fall, Lynn and Daria pull out their swords, stab the third together, and step over the now lifeless corpses looking for new targets.

Music – Beats me.

A cabinet’s doors fly open revealing a cache of swords, daggers, and other weapons. Hands reach in and grab the weapons. The camera pulls back as we watch Jane passing out the swords as quick as she can. She finishes arming the camp and rushes off to meet the threat.

Lynn, now armed with a bow and a handful of arrows, runs across the shot falling to her knees, jamming the arrow tips into the ground. She pulls one out and stretches it across her bow. The camera changes to show the arrow’s viewpoint, a long distance shot at Li still on horseback. With a smile, Lynn pulls back on the string and lets fly. We follow the path of the arrow as it gets closer to Li but it embeds itself into the throat of a passing Hun. Lynn swears as she reaches for another arrow.

Brittany, armed with her quarterstaff, is surrounded by five Huns. She turns in a circle looking at her enemies while the Huns leer at her. She begins to twirl her hair as she shoves her staff backwards, catching one of the Huns in the groin with a grunt. She turns sharply at the sound, catching another Hun behind her with the staff. The second one falls to the ground pinning the staff to the ground. She pulls forward sharply finally releasing it slamming it into the stomach of the Hun in front of her. She spins again, catching one Hun by the knee and another one against the face. She turns again in a circle looking at the unconscious Huns. A grin crosses her face.

Lynn has another arrow out and is lining up for another shot at Li. She lets fly and we watch this flight as well. It gets half way there and smashes into a sword. The camera pulls back to show a very surprised Ms. Barch. Lynn swears again, this time more violently, and reaches for another arrow.

The fashion club, now armed with swords, stand guard as Mrs. Bennett, Ms. Defoe, and Mrs. Manson attempt to herd away the townsfolk into the safety of the forest. A pair of Huns run into the scene only to be stabbed by Quinn and Stacy. Stacy pulls out her sword and continues to stand guard but Quinn looks down on the corpse and loses it. She starts screaming in terror as Sandi comes up and tries to shake her out of it. Quinn continues to scream until Sandi backhands her one across the face. Quinn is still pale but is able to pull together some.

Lynn has pulled out another arrow and shoots it off. We follow the arrow again as it embeds itself into another Hun. Lynn rolls her eyes skyward and reaches for another arrow. She now only has one left in the ground.

The Fashion Club runs through the camp. Tiffany stumbles over the corpse of a dead Hun, his bow beside him. She looks up to see another Hun threatening the other fashion Club members. She quickly picks up the bow and a nearby arrow, takes quick aim, and shoots the Hun, the arrow impacting directly between the eyes. The Fashion Club looks on in amazement as the Hun’s now lifeless body falls to the ground as Tiffany runs to join them, the bow at ready with an arrow already on the bowstring. They run off.

Lynn fires off an arrow and watches it thrust itself into a passing Hun armed with a lit torch. As he falls, the torch flies into a nearby hut, lighting it on fire. Lynn swears violently as she reaches for another arrow. She is surprised to discover only one arrow left. She looks at Li with a look of disgust.

Daria and Jane running through the camp, both holding blooded swords. Jane stops and looks at something off screen. She yells after Daria and points to what she’s looking at. Summer Lane is up against a hut, her clothing torn, surrounded by four leering Huns. As they close in on Summer, Daria and Jane jump into the scene, their feet hitting against the backs of two of the Huns. They fall to the ground as Daria and Jane land in front of the two remaining Huns. They smirk at the two surprised Huns as they drive their swords up under their rib cages. Jane grabs Summer’s hand as they run off in one direction while Daria goes off in another direction.

We see a very handsome thirty year old male, dressed in a gray sweatshirt and khaki pants, now armed with Lynn’s bow kneeling in the same spot as she was. He takes aim and, with a quickly raised eyebrow and smile at the camera, fires off a shot. The camera follows the flight of the arrow as it embeds itself in a tree just above a very surprised Tom’s head. The male makes a grimace and runs off.[20]

Huns run through the camp with lit torches, stopping to light the huts and the tents. Soon the entire camp is on fire.

Lynn pulls her last arrow out of the ground. She takes her time aiming, takes a deep breath and lets fly. We again follow the course of the bolt as it flies through the air and embeds itself into Li’s left shoulder. Lynn grimaces, drops her bow and draws her sword. She sees a Hun run by and chases after him.

Daria runs around the corner with her sword drawn and runs into a Hun. She stabs into his gut, turning away from the dying enemy. She runs right into Squire Andrew falling backwards from him. We watch her hit her head against a stone and fall unconscious. AP looks down in surprise and beckons for his master. Sir Kevin runs over and also looks down. He shoves AP away and lifts Daria over her shoulder. He runs towards Princess Li with his capture. AP rolls his eyes and follows his master.

Jane stands guard near the edge of the forest with a bloodied sword. Members of Daria’s group run past escaping into the forest. A Hun runs up to stop the retreat only to meet death on Jane’s sword. As she pulls her sword free, Lynn runs up. Jane looks at her with a worried look but all Lynn can do is shrug. Jane looks at the Fashion Club as they run up but they pass her at full speed, Quinn being pulled along and Tiffany firing off into the distance. Jane and Lynn look into the burning camp as Brittany runs up. Jane grabs Brittany by the shoulders but all she does is shake her head. Jane starts to run back into the burning camp, yelling for Daria, but is pulled into the forest by Lynn and Brittany. Jane is now screaming and fighting the entire way. Lynn finally picks up the struggling Jane and drags her off.

The final scene is of the burning camp. Li looks on with a smile. She screams in pain as the arrow is pulled from her shoulder by Tom. He quickly bandages the wound. Li returns to watching over the burning and the looting. The camera focuses on the burning flames as we fade to black.

The Commercial Strikes Back.

Int. View: The Qwik-E-Mart from the Simpsons. Jane is standing at the counter with a very large soda cup. Daria stands beside her, a look of concern on her face, while Apu is behind the counter.

Lynn: (Off screen.) It starts off innocently enough.

Daria: (She reaches out a hand to Jane.) Jane…

Apu: I’m sorry miss but that is a 128 oz. Really Really Big Splash Cup. It is only to be used for carbonated sugary drinks. Not for caffeinated sugary drinks.

Homer: (Off screen.) Hey, what’s the hold up?

Jane turns around to give Homer a look. He gets scared.

Homer: Um, I forgot to take my um son for a walk. (He looks at Jane, screams, and runs off while Jane turns back to Apu.)

Jane: (Her voice lowered but with a touch of anger behind it.) Just ring me up, Indian boy, and I won’t cause you any trouble.

Lynn: (Off screen.) But it gets worse…

Int. View: Lawndale High School. Jane is at her locker pouring a cup of coffee from the coffee machine in her locker. AP looks on with a face full of worry.

Int. View: Jane’s room. She’s sitting at her desk surfing the web visiting a coffee web site. She has on one of those plastic hats with a pair of coffee cups attached to them, straws coming from the cups leading to her mouth. She’s sucking on the straws continuously.

Lynn: (Off screen.) And worse…

Int. View: A coffee shop. Jane is sitting at a table in the back corner. The table is littered with dozens of used cups. The owner steps near her pointing to his watch indicating that it is closing time. Jane grows and holds out a cup looking for a refill. The owner sighs and reaches for the coffee pot.

Lynn: (Off screen.) Until it starts getting in way of those that you love.

Int. View: The Lane kitchen. Jane is sitting at the table, an empty coffee mug in front of her, her head bowed. Trent, a coffee pot in hand, stands near by, a look of worry on his face.

Trent: But Janey…

Jane: (She lifts her head slightly so she can give Trent an evil glare through her hair.) Give me another cup of coffee, damnit, or you’ll be singing in a boys’ choir instead of a rock band.

Trent pours the coffee while Lynn steps into the scene and turns to the camera.

Lynn: There is help for those with a coffee addiction but you have to take the first step. Pick up the phone and call 1-800-COFFEE. Do it today.

Jane: (Yelling at Trent.) What’s this French Roast?!? You know I only drink Irish Creme!

Act #I lost count a long time ago.

Int. View: A small, dirty, dark, damp jail cell. The sound of water dripping is heard in the background. Daria, dirty and her clothes torn, lies on a stone bench along the back wall, out cold. A mouse runs across the floor, pausing to sniff at Daria’s hand which hangs off the bench. A low moan scares away the rodent as she slowly turns over bringing a hand to her head. Daria slowly sits upright, one hand holding her head while the other works out the kinks in her back. She blinks to make her eyes adjust to the darkness as she turns her head to look over her prison. After a second, she sighs and leans against the back wall. The prison door suddenly opens, filling the small room with light. Daria raises a hand in an attempt to screen out the bright light.

Daria: (Looking out from under her hand.) Ugh, turn down the sun. [21]

Jailer 1: Heh heh heh.

Jailer 2: Um, like get up. Someone wants to, um, like see you.

Daria: Damn, not you two again.

Jailer 1: Heh heh. You said get it up. Heh heh

Jailer 2: Heh heh.

Jailer 1: Heh heh heh. [22]

Jailer 2: Um, get up or we’ll make up get up.

Daria slowly rises to her feet and wobbles out of the cell.

Int. View: The Great Hall. Lords and ladies, dressed in their finest, fill the hall. Guards line the room and the balconies. The three J’s watch the hall entrance. Princess Li, dressed in royal robes, sits in a throne at one end of the hall, Sir Kevin and Squire AP stand on either side. Princess Li makes a motion with her hand and a young blond page rushes up with a goblet of wine on a silver tray. Princess Li takes a long drink while the doors open and the two jailers escort Lady Daria, her hands now chained, into the hall to stand in front of her. The Ladies and the Lords of the court whisper among themselves. Princess Li lowers her goblet and looks at Daria in disgust.

Li: (Her words drip with anger.) Lady Daria.

Daria: Princess Li. (Beat.) Funny. Weren’t we just talking like this? How’s the shoulder?

A look of pure anger crosses Princess Li’s face as she throws her wine into Daria’s face. The court gasps as she tries to spit out the wine and wipe her glasses off as best as she can.

Daria: Well, I was thirsty…

Li: For someone who’s about to be put to death, you appear to not be taking this very seriously. It’s a pity we didn’t get that Sheriff at the same time.

Daria: Put to death? Only the king can so order a noble person’s execution.

Li: (A slight smirk appears on her face as she leans closer to her.) But you see, Lady Daria, you are no longer a noble. (The smirk disappears as she sits upright in her throne.) Lady Daria, for crimes against the state and for treason against the crown, I hear by strip your of your noble birth and find you guilty of those crimes. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?

Daria reacts with shock and stands open mouthed, staring at Li.

Li: No? Then I sentence you to death. Tomorrow morning at sunrise, you shall be brought to the town square where you will be hung…

Jailer 1: Heh heh.

Jailer 2: Heh heh. She said hung.

Li: …by the neck until you (Beat.) are (Beat.) dead.

Daria: (Still shocked.) But you can’t do that. Only the king can.

Li: (She leans close again.) She who sits on the throne has the power. (Leans back.) Take her away!

The two jailers begin to drag the now struggling Daria out of the room.

Daria: (She yells out.) Long live the King! (She tries to yell again but a hand covers her mouth.)

Li: Get her out of here. (She takes another drink as she ignores what is happening.)

The court watches more guards pull the struggling Daria out of the hall and back to her jail cell. The camera pulls back to the balcony to show a thoughtful Count Trent watching. The court returns to normal as a small band of musicians float around the room, their music drifting up to Trent. He continues to stand there thinking, his body slowly swaying to the music. His eyelids slowly droop as his swaying slows as he begins to drift off. A thought awakens him suddenly.

Trent: They’re going to hang Daria! I have to get word to her people.

Trent races out of the hall. The camera slowly lowers to show Tom watching where Trent was standing. A smile appears on his face as he takes a drink out of a goblet.

Li: (From off screen.) You think they’ll take the bait?

The camera pulls back to show Tom standing beside Li’s throne.

Tom: Tomorrow morning your problems will be gone. (Beat.) Or resting comfortably in your prison waiting their deaths.

A smile appears on Li’s face as she also takes a drink as the scene fades out.

Act #Are we having fun yet?

Need to finish here!

Daria’s group regroups in the forest but is sad. Jane wants to rescue Daria but they are without weapons and some are wounded. Lynn comes along but is verbally abused. she retreats into the forest.

Act #Red Heads with Glasses? Yum! Next on Sick Sad World!

Int. View: Biers. Yes, that Biers. Shooter is behind the bar cleaning a glass. Three people dressed in cloaks with hoods are sitting around one table. The strange thing is that they are real people, not cartoons like the others we have seen. A fourth person dressed in a cloak sits in a dark corner nursing a drink. She’s a cartoon though.

Female Voice #1: (Taking a drink.) I hate meet and greets. And why does it have to be at a Renaissance Fair, Gle…

Male Voice: I told you, don’t call me that here. I don’t want to be mobbed by fans. Call me King Richard.

Female Voice #2: (In a pretty good Jane voice.) Can we call you something else behind your back?

King Richard: Very funny. I noticed that you didn’t have much of a problem with being called Lady Kawaii.

Lady Kawaii: As if half of these people knew what that word meant. I had to go look it myself.

Female Voice #1: (In a very passable Daria voice.) Waif no longer doing vocabulary words?

Lady Kawaii: (Doing a Quinn voice.) Mo-om! Lady Janeane’s picking on me again!

Both of the ladies turn on King Richard who just hangs his head.

King Richard: (In a very bad Helen voice.) What did I do to deserve you two?

Lady Janeane: (In an even worse Helen voice.) Well, when I man and a women fall in love…

Lady Kawaii: (Back to the Quinn voice.) EEW!

All three look at each other and laugh. After a few chuckles, they grow silent and nurse their drinks.

Lady Kawaii: So, no season six.

King Richard: Nope. The suits want us to work on other projects. The show isn’t doing as well as they want it. Of course being over shadowed by Road Rul…

Lady Janeane: (Interrupting.) Think we’ll all work together again?

They grow silent again.

King Richard: We better get going. It’s getting late and we have to ride to the hotel.

Lady Kawaii: I can’t believe we have to ride horseback.

Lady Janeane: It’s a preserve. No vehicles allowed on the grounds. (Beat.) I still can’t believe I got named after Garofalo. I wonder why?

Lady Kawaii: Maybe it had something to do with King Richard showing those out takes of you and her dancing around the elevator?

Lady Janeane: (Fake shock.) Glenn!

They chuckle as they rise from the table. King Richard drops a few notes on the table as they walk to the front door. The camera moves over to Shooter at the bar.

Shooter: Quinnette? Where are you this time? You better not have your head buried in another book when you’re suppose to be working.

Quinnette: (Off screen.) I’m coming. Just checking the dates on the kegs.

The camera focuses on the bottom of the door way behind the bar leading to the storeroom. A pair of black hiking boots walk to the doorway and stop. We hear a female sigh and she walks over to stand near Shooter. The camera pulls back and we see a young female with the body and hair of Quinn, Jane’s face, and Daria’s glasses. She wears a tan t-shirt with a picture of Albert Einstein on the front and camouflage pants. [23] She places her hands on her hips and looks with disgust at Shooter.

Quinnette: How many times do I have to tell you that you need to rotate the kegs when you receive new ones? You have some from two years ago. The beer’s going to be stale.

Shooter: Beer tastes better when it’s aged some. (Beat.) And since when are you an expert on beer, Quinnette?

Quinnette: It’s not a matter of being an expert on beer. It’s a matter of being able to read the expiration dates on the kegs, Shooter. And how many times have I told you that I hate that nickname, Quinnette. I don’t even know this Quinn person.

Shooter: Don’t worry. You haven’t missed much.

Quinnette: Now, did you want something or are you just trying to make my life even more of the Hell it already is?

Shooter: (Pointing at the three people as they leave the bar.) Those people are very important and will be traveling through Sick Sad Forest. You need to go and get word to Cynic Hood and her people.

Quinnette: (She doesn’t have Quinn’s whine but she’s very close.) Do I have to? It’s the middle of the night, it’s dark out there, and I’m in the middle of a good book on multi dimensional geometry and it’s relationship with faster than light travel.

Shooter: Even I know nothing can travel faster than light. Einstein proved that.

Quinnette: Einstein’s a guy. They only think they know everything.

Shooter: (At a lost for her subject material.) Um, yea. It’s important. (In a lowered voice.) That’s the king!

Quinnette: (Brightening up.) We could always send an owl.

Shooter: Wrong story line. Now get on a horse and go find Lady Daria.

Quinnette sighs, grabs a cloak off a near by stand, and leaves out the back. Shooter watches her go. The fourth person also watches Quinnette leave. She finishes her drink, drops a coin on the table and leaves out the front door. We see her mount a horse, turn away from the inn, [25] and rides off into the dark along a path. After a few minutes, she stops at a toll booth in the woods. The gate is down. The cloaked figure looks around trying to figure out what is going on. Daria, with a clipboard, and Jane, wearing a police cap, come around the building and stop in front of the gate house. They are dressed in their normal clothes from the show. [26]

The cloaked figure: What’s going on here?

Daria: New security measures, ma’am.

Jane: If you don’t answer our questions, we will drag you off your horse and beat you.

Daria: And you know how artists are… [26a]

The cloaked figure: Huh?

Daria: Animal inspection, Ma’am. Your horse seems to lack the requisite fluffy dice tied to the reins. [26b]

The cloaked figure: But I’m riding a horse?

Jane: That’s no excuse. (Aside to Daria.) Can I beat her now?

Daria: (Back at Jane.) Not yet. (To the cloaked figure.) Welcome to cult summer camp. I’m your new leader. I’ll be in charge of scrubbing your little brains, and my associate, Karma cop Jane, will be seeing to it that you stay put. Any questions? Good. I’ll just note your names. No protein for those that question the leader. [26c] Ma’am, could you please lower you hood so we could see your face?

The cloaked figure pauses for a second and then lowers her hood. We see it’s Kate Cullen making a special guest appearance.

Kate: I have important business with Princess Li at her castle.

Jane: I’m sure you do. (Aside to Daria.) Can I beat her now?

Daria: (Back at Jane.) Wait, will you? (To Kate.) Lemme see, that’s five hundred counts of burglary, three hundred of breaking and entering, eight of armed robbery and one for illegally trying to dispose of the evidence by eating it. [26d]

Kate: What are you talking about?

Daria: Now you’ve gone and messed the line up. You’re suppose to complain about us meddling kids. Well, we can’t have that. Nor can we let you warn Princess Li so I guess we have to stop you here.

Jane: Can I beat her now?

Daria: Either that or send her through the metal detectors.

Jane: Wouldn’t that be the door to the guard dog pen?

Growling dog and screaming noises are heard through the door.

Daria: Why yes. Yes it is. [26e]

Both Daria and Jane smirk as Jane pulls out a bludgeon. They both walk towards Kate as we fade out.

Act #Get the feeling I just really don’t feel like numbering these things? 🙂

Need to finish here!

Glenn and group are stopped in the forest by the fashion club led by Sandi who wants to prove that she is capable. After being bored almost to death, Glenn and party surrender and are brought to Jane’s group. they are readying themselves for an attack on the castle. They welcome Glenn as travelers and bring them under their protection.

Brittany: But we need a plan.

Jane: Leave that to me.

She leads the group over to a mockup of Princess Li’s castle. It’s complete in every detail.

Jane: Now this is only a mock up and kind of rough but it’s all I could put together in a short time.

Quinn: Got a plan?

Jane: Actually I do. What we need to do is spread our forces…

Jane is interrupted by the sound of an approaching horse. She looks up as a horse walks into the clearing with a body on its back. It stops and starts to nibble on some grass. Jane, Brittany and Quinn walk up.

Brittany: Who is it?

Quinn: Is he dead?

Jane: It’s only Count Trent. (Holding up his head.) And he’s just asleep. (She drops his head.) Let him sleep. He must have been practicing again.

As they walk off, Trent’s head comes up.

Trent: (Mumbling in his sleep.) Daria… Kill… Hang… (His head falls to the saddle again.)

Jane: (Her head whipping around.) Daria? (She lifts Trent’s head up again.) What do you know about Lady Daria? (Trent mumbles in his sleep.) Either wake up or you’ll be singing in a boy’s choir.

Trent’s eyes fly open and he sits up in the saddle holding his head.

Trent: Ugh, it’s too early for this. I would still be in bed if I didn’t have to get to Lady Daria’s people. Does anyone know how to get a hold of them?

Jane: Trent? Look around.

Trent: (Finally looking around.) Woah!

Trent: I mean she’s the coolest noble person I know.

Jane gives Trent a look thinking that there’s more to that statement. Trent looks puzzled.

Jane: And?

Trent: And what?

Jane: She’s just the coolest noble person you know?

Trent: Yeah…

Jane: Are you sure there’s nothing else to it?

Trent looks a little worried.

Trent: (Under his breath.) Umm, Janie. You know we can’t get together. Glenn won’t let us.

Jane: (Also under her breath.) Trent, this is a fanfic. You can get away with it here.

Trent looks at her and she nods. Looking around, Jane pulls out a page out of her pocket and hands it to Trent. He reads it as Jane turns to the camera.

Jane: It’s the last season. I’m going to play Yenta. (Beat.) Either that or pick on Daria for stealing my boyfriend.

Trent finishes reading the page and, with a smirk, places it in his pocket.

Jane: OK, with Count Trent’s news, we now have a shorter time period to get Lady Daria out of Li’s jail. What we need to do is…

Jane stops again as the group watches Quinnette gallop into the clearing, jump off the horse and rush up to the group.

Jane: (With a slight smirk.) Don’t I remember you from a bad dream I had once.

Quinnette: (Deadpan.) Ha ha. Very funny. Shooter sent me.

Jane: Shooter? (Quinnette nods. Jane now has a look of disbelief on her face.) THE Shooter? (Quinnette nods again.) Why doesn’t that surprise me?

Quinnette: The King and his men have returned to England and are traveling here in the county.

King Richard: The King…

Lady Janeane: This is weird.

Lady Kawaii: It’s like we’re in a strange Internet fan work.

Jane: Your King and his guard can watch out for themselves. Now as I was saying, we need a plan to rescue Lady Daria. I think we should take a small group…

Jane starts to point out something on the mock up but is interrupted by Sheriff Lynn riding into the clearing on horseback. She quickly dismounts and advances on the group.

Jane: (Angrily.) I thought we told you we didn’t want to see your face around here, Sheriff.

Lynn: You need my help and you know it.

Jane: I doubt it. We’ve gotten this far without you. I think we’re doing pretty good so far. What do you have that will help? A bag of tricks?

Lynn: No, but I’ve had military training. How many of you have had any?

Jane and Lynn look around the group as no one raises their hands.

Lynn: I thought so. Plus I also know Princess Li’s real plan behind all of this.

Jane: Oh really?

Lynn: She plans to set a trap for the King and take the crown for herself when he returns from the Crusades.

This shuts everyone up in shock. Well except for…

Ms. Barch: Well, what’s wrong with that? Anything that a man can do, a woman can do better!

This earns her a few ugly glares but the camera slowly slides over to the side of the scene to focus on another private conversation.

King Richard: The king…

Lady Kawaii: This sounds ugly.

Lady Janeane: I think you were right. We’re in the middle of some weird internet fan fic.

King Richard: But I was the king at the fair…

The two women look at him.

Lady Janeane: What are you talking about?

King Richard: Think about it for a second. At the fair they nicknamed me King Richard.

Lady Kawaii: I still think that was a stretch.

King Richard: And everyone’s dressed in Robin Hood costumes and they’re talking about rescuing Lady Daria.

Lady Kawaii: So what does that all mean?

King Richard: I don’t have a clue.

Lady Janeane: (Rolling her eyes.) It means we’re in the middle of a Robin Hood/ Daria cross over fanfic.

King Richard and Lady Kawaii look at each other, shrug and look back at Lady Janeane.

Lady Kawaii: So?

Lady Janeane: So, we’re playing a part within the fic. Remember the original story line?

King Richard: I haven’t read Robin Hood since high school.

Lady Janeane: The King returns to England but when he discovers things have changed, he and his men remain disguised as travelers. They stumble upon Robin’s men and are taken in. They drop their disguises once they determine that Robin and his band are on the King’s side.

Lady Kawaii: What do you think we should do?

King Richard: Maybe we should play along and see where this leads?

Lady Kawaii: Better than sitting in the hotel and watching basic cable.

Lady Janeane: Is that all they have?

Lady Kawaii: What do you expect? We work for Viacom. It’s a cheap hotel.

The camera returns to the main group still gathered around the mock up.

Lynn: Hey, who built the mock up?

Jane: OK, let’s try this again. Quinn, you take your group and put them…

Brittany: Um, wait a minute.

Jane: (Annoyed at another interruption.) What now, blondie?

Brittany: We don’t have enough weapons.

Lynn: Leave that to me.

Lynn puts two fingers to her mouth and lets loose a loud whistle. After a few seconds with no response, she repeats the call. With a roll of her eyes, she pulls out her cell phone, speed dials a number and waits for an answer.

Lynn: And a good morning to you, Mr. Get 10% of my hard earned money and I get little in return. How are you this morning?… Well it’s not my fault you have a hangover. You’re the one who went out clubbing last night. I told you the British beer is stronger than what you’re used to… Standing in the middle of the forest… No, forest, not jungle. Wrong story line… Story’s going fine. Thank’s for asking. Pity we’re just standing around again… Why? Oh, maybe someone’s agent was suppose to remember contacting another one of his clients… Oh, you remember now? That’s wonderful. Think you can follow through now?… How long?… Five minutes? I think we can hold out for that long… (She rolls her eyes.) I don’t care if my pizza’s free if it’s longer. Just get her here or the only pizza you’ll be eating will be sucking through a straw.

Lynn closes the cell phone and pockets it while the rest of the group looks at her strangely. After a minute the sound of horses is heard off in the distance. The group turns as we see a fully loaded wagon pulled by two horses come into the clearing stopping just shy of the group. Lynn walks over to the wagon as the driver hops down with a clip board. The driver turns and we see it’s Mary Sue Character, leather flight jacket and all. She pops her gum as she hands the clipboard to Lynn.

Mary Sue: (In a STRONG Jersey accent.) Swords and Quarterstaffs. Sign here please.

Lynn pulls out a pen and signs while Jane walks up with a look of disbelief.

Jane: Wait a minute! This isn’t in the script and you’re acting out of character again.

Lynn: Oh, it’s a Dr. Mike fanfic. It’s not like we stay in canon half the time anyway.

Jane: But…

Lynn: (She reaches up to a crate and pulls out a sword.) Look, what’s the problem? I got the swords and quarterstaffs we needed.

Jane: But a merchant was suppose to come by and we were suppose to trick him out of them.

Lynn: (She shakes her head slightly.) Can’t do that. We’re in England. (She points to Mary Sue who smiles and makes a wave.) Weapons are handled by teamsters. It’s a union job.

Mary Sue: And you don’t want to deprive me of my honest living now, do you? Five mouths to feed at home. And me mother to take care of in the ‘home.

Jane: But…

Mary Sue: And me knee is acting up.

Lynn: Look, it’s not my fault Dr. Mike didn’t ask his attorney. He would have known the rules. He lives in England.

Jane: But…

Lynn: And I stayed in the time period. I could have had them bring in automatics and assault rifles. (She trusts the clipboard back at Mary Sue and points the sword at Jane.) Now are we going to bust out Lady Daria and do something with Princess Li or not?

Jane throws up her arms and walks back over to the mock up as Lynn and Mary Sue start passing out the weapons. After finishing everyone turns to look at Jane standing near the table. She’s drumming her hand hard against a model of Li’s castle. A look of frustration is on her face as she glares at the setup. After a few seconds, she lifts her head to glare at the rest of the group.

Jane: (In an annoyed tone.) Done?

Brittany: (This woman must have a Ph.D. in hair twirling by now.) Done with what?

Jane: Done with all the interruptions?

Quinn: Probably.

Lynn: Are we missing anyone? (Jane gives her a look.) Besides Lady Daria?

Jane takes a second to relax and gather her thoughts. A thought crosses her mind and a slight smile appears on her face.

Jane: OK, I’ve got a plan. What we need to do is spread our forces throughout the entire…

The rest of the group closes ranks to listen to Jane’s new plan as we fade to black.

Act #Wish you were here.

Ext. View: Princess Li’s castle in the early morning. Peasants, bundled against the morning cold, drift to the open gate. Li’s guards wait at the gate blocking the entrance and searching the peasants.

Jamie: (Calling out as Joey and Jeffy search a pair of cloaked peasants, their hoods pulled over their heads.) No swords, no daggers, no blades.

Joey and Jeffy finish patting down two peasants and move on to another pair while Jamie continues his line over and over again. We see Jane and Lynn look at each other from under their cloaks as they walk under the gate. They turn into the castle’s grounds to discover Upchuck off to the side.

Upchuck: No bras, no panties, no brassieres.

He spots the two women, leers at them, and makes a move. Jane and Lynn grab him, lift him off his feet, and carry him into the crowd. They walk over to the Friar’s cart where the Fashion Club is secretly handing out weapons. Lynn and Jane arm themselves, take up a pair of large low boxes, and drift into the crowd.

Ext. View: The courtyard of Princess Li’s castle. About fifty peasants mill around gallows built in the middle of the yard. Three fruit vendors work the crowd. The camera balcony moves to show Princess Li standing on a balcony overlooking the courtyard. AP stands guard in the background. A door opens and Lady Jodie, Lord Mack, and Count Trent walk onto the balcony. Trent spots a chair and drapes himself across it.

Li: I’m glad you could join us today. We have a bit of entertainment this morning.

Trent: But why so early? We had a late band practice last night. (He lets out a yawn and gets more comfortable in his chair.)

Li: Early? (She looks at her watch.) It’s after eleven. (She turns back to Trent who has fallen asleep.) Asleep again? Why doesn’t that surprise me?

Jodie: So what are we here for, Princess Li? I have to run some errands for my father today.

Mack: (He mumbles under his breath.) Why doesn’t that surprise me?

Jodie: Excuse me?

Mack: Well, you’re always doing things for your family and the county.

Li: If I can interrupt the two of you, this morning’s entertainment is now coming onto the field.

Li takes another chair and leans back with a grin. Jodie and Mack look at each other and then peer over the edge of the balcony.

The view changes to show the outline of a young female standing in front of a gated door. The gate is pulled open while the outline of two male guards grab the girl from each side. They roughly drag her through the open gate and into the courtyard. As we step into the light, Daria is dragged to the gallows by Joey and Jeffy while Jamie tries to clear a path through the crowd. Rotten fruit pelts Daria from all sides. As Daria and the guards climb up the stairs to the gallows, the camera shifts, passing through the crowd to stop on the three fruit vendors. They pull their heads together and lower their hoods to show…

Jane: Any chance of getting up there to cut her down?

Lynn: (She shakes her head sadly.) Not a chance. There’s too many guards covering the gallows and too many peasants to sound an alarm.

Brittany: I can’t believe my Kevie would do such a thing.

The three of them turn and watch Kevin place the noose over Daria neck.

Lynn: Wait here.

Jane: (Trying to grab her.) Wait a minute. That wasn’t part of the plan…

Kevin tightens the noose and steps back.

Daria: Congratutions, Kevin. It only took you one try to do that right.

Kevin: Hey, I’m the Q… (His face falls.) What am I again?

Daria rolls her eyes as the camera drifts over the crowd. Lynn moves closer to the platform and attempts to catch Daria’s eye. Her movement attracts the wrong person as Kevin looks down.

Kevin: Oh, hi Sheriff Lynn. What are you doing here?

Lynn, reacting to Kevin calling out her name, turns to him before realizing that she’s trying to hide. She quickly turns away, dropping her fruit tray, and attempts to melt into the crowd.

Kevin: (Calling after her.) Hey wait a minute, Sheriff Lynn. Don’t you want to see the hanging?

Li: Sheriff Lynn? She’s here? Capture her!

Kevin and the three J’s charge into the crowd and quickly overpower Lynn. They drag her over to the reviewing stand. Lynn attempts to fight off the four men but with each holding an arm or a leg and Jeffy with a firm grip on her hair, she has no chance of getting away. Jane looks on in horror and trys to come to her aid but is held back by Brittany.

Li: (With an evil grin.) The outlaw Sheriff Lynn. What a pleasant surprise. What brings you back onto the grounds?

Lynn: (Attempting a shrug.) I came back to collect my severance pay. My contract says I get a month’s pay if I’m released.

Li: You forfeited your severance pay when you turned traitor against me. Have you checked her for weapons?

Jamie: Joey said he was going to.

Joey: I thought Jeffy did it.

Jeffy: But I saw Jamie do it.

Li: Would someone PLEASE check her for weapons.

Kevin: I’ll do it.

Kevin reaches out for Lynn but stops with a look from Lynn.

Lynn: Try anything and you’ll be trying out for the girl’s field hockey team instead of the football team next year.

Kevin: EEP!

Kevin gathers his courage and quickly pats down Lynn who is rolling her eyes. Kevin pulls out a sword and a pair of daggers. He holds these up for Li to see.

Li: Now that you finally did something right, Lord Kevin, string her up beside Lady Daria. Let them both hang together.

The crowd cheers as Lynn is carried off to the gallows. It takes additional guards to tie Lynn’s hands behind her back and stand her by Daria, all the time being pelted with more fruit. Kevin reaches up and drapes the rope around her neck. Daria looks on as Lynn continues to struggle.

Daria: Looks like the rescuer needs to be rescued.

Lynn: Maybe. (She looks at the mess covering both of them.) Maybe posing as fruit vendors wasn’t such a good idea. So how are you holding out?

Daria: Oh, I’m just hanging around.

Lynn: (Testing her bonds as the guards jump off the platform.) I know I could have done without that comment.

Daria: You forget who’s writing this.

Lynn: (Finally giving up on untieing herself.) You do have a point.

Tiffany releases the tension on her bowstring as she turns to Quinn.

Tiffany: What… do… I… do… now?

Quinn: (Looking very worried.) I don’t know.

Li: You both have been found guilty of treason against the state and have been sentenced to death. Do you have anything to say before the sentence is carried out?

Lynn: (Turning to Daria with a slight smirk.) You know if we’re going to go out, we mind as well go out in style. Do you remember what we were discussing that night in your tent?

Daria: (Blushing slightly.) That’s kind of personal, Lynn…

Lynn: No, not that. The other thing we talked about. The reason why Li is…

Daria: (Interrupting and calling out.) Hey Li. We figured out why you act the way you do.

Li: Oh, and why is that, Lady Daria?

Lynn and Daria look at each other and smirk. They turn to Li and yell out together…

Lynn and Daria: You’re not getting any!

The crowd goes silent as Li sputters in anger. AP, Jodie and Mack begin to chuckle behind Li’s back.

Li: Hang her! Hang her now!

Kevin nods, pulls on a black mask covering the top half of his head, and climbs the gallows. Quinn, beginning to panic, turns on Tiffany.

Quinn: You have to do something. You’re the only one who can.

Tiffany: (Looking out over her drawn arrow.) But… which… one… do… I… save?

Quinn looks down at Tiffany unable to answer her.

Li: Do your duty, Sir Kevin.

Kevin, still with his dopey grin, walks over to the release handle, spits on both hands, (We can hear Brittany give an “EEW!” over the background noise) and he reaches out to the handle. Tiffany suddenly decides, raises her bow, aims, and lets her shot go as we go to slow motion.

We watch as the arrow leaves Tiffany’s bow in slow motion. It rotates slowly…

Kevin’s hands slowly move to the handle…

Lynn and Daria look at each other…

Li’s smile grows a little bit larger…

Tiffany relaxes her grip on her bow as Quinn watches the flight path of the arrow…

The arrow continues it’s flight through the air…

Li’s raises a fist to eye level in triumph…

Trent stirs slightly in his sleep…

Lynn closes her eyes and mutters something…

The arrow continues through the air…

Daria looks out over the crowd until finally finding Jane still being held back by Brittany…

The arrow continues through the air…

Daria makes a sad smirk at Jane…

Kevin’s hands close around the handle…

A single tear drops from Jane’s eye…

Kevin’s hands begin to pull back the handle…

We return to normal speed as the camera view is now behind Kevin. He wavers for a second before falling backwards, Tiffany’s arrow buried deep in his farhead.

Daria and Lynn look at the fallen Kevin in amazement. Brittany and Jane rush the gallows to untie them as the crowd panics.

Tiffany and Quinn are jumping up and down hugging each other on the castle wall. After a few seconds, they look strangely at each other and back away blushing.

Princess Li’s mouth hangs open in shock as Mack, Jodie, and AP look on in amazement. Li finally comes to her senses.

Li: Get them! Capture them! (Getting caught up in her rage.) KILL THEM!

Jane: (Giving Daria a sword.) So, do you have some fancy saying to cover this situation?

Daria: Thank goodness for the cavalry?

Lynn: (Getting her sword from Brittany.) I’ve got a better one.

The camera pulls back to show the four girls standing in a row on the gallows. Another row of women stand in front of the gallows. They throw off cloaks as one and pull out swords and quarterstaffs.

Lynn: Let’s party.

Need to finish a lot here!

Jane: Wait. Wait!

The crowd stops and turns back to look at Jane who is now turning red.

Jane: Um…

Lynn: (Under her breath with a smirk.) Heh heh, sing bitch.

Jane and the crowd looks at a now blushing Lynn. They both look up at a microphone hanging over them.

Lynn: Oops. (She slowly slides off to the side.)

Need to finish a lot here!

Jane: So they lived happily every after?

Daria: Well, we still have most of our lives ahead of us. This was just one small part of it.

Brittany: It was like one of those silly little stories the bards tell us for change at the fair.

Lynn: Great. Someday people will be sitting in their homes after a hard day’s work reading all about us.

Daria: Oh rapture. Oh joy. The fall of civilization.

Jane: And it’s all thanks to you, Lady Daria.

Act #Are we done yet?

We fade into a wood cutting of Daria, Jane, Lynn, Quinn, and Brittany dressed as their Cynic Hood characters. The camera pulls back to show the wood cutting as a picture in a book sitting in someone’s lap. The view changes after a second to show Daria’s room from the show. Daria and Jane sit on Daria’s bed. Lynn has pulled over Daria’s desk chair over to the bed, her feet up on the bed. AP is sitting on the floor, his head back against Lynn. Daria has the book resting in her lap. They are dressed for bed.

Lynn: That is the biggest load of (Beat.) garbage I have ever heard. It sounds like a fanfiction you pulled off the internet.

Daria: Well, you did suggest to me to find out more of Smythe family history. (She holds up the book.) This is what I found.

Jane: I liked it.

AP: I did too.

Daria: Three to one, Lynn.

Jane: What I don’t understand is if that story is true, how come we have the legend of Robin Hood instead of the legend of Lady Daria?

Lynn: Very few people knew how to read and write back then. The bards were the ones who recorded history in their songs and poems. Maybe Scarlet never sang anything besides her “Sir Robin” song.

Daria: It was also the middle ages, Jane. Women were suppose to stay at home and raise the family. Even the ladies of the court didn’t do physical work.

AP: (A close up.) Plus if the story was based on a female Robin Hood, could you imagine Kevin Costner in a dress?

A beat and then the pillows come flying.

Act #We have arrived at the ending. FINALLY!

A close up of Lynn’s face. She has a look of despair on her face. A pair of Walkman headphones are around her neck. Ooh look. Pores!

Lynn: (Complete deadpan but with an English accent.) I’m trapped in Dr. Mike’s mind. It’s too crowded and you should see this thing he has about red heads with glasses. It’s sick. Sick I tell you.

Kevin: (From off screen.) Lynn, get out of the way! I want everyone to see what I’m wearing.

Lynn rolls her eyes but steps away from the camera. We now see a real life studio’s back lot. Real trucks and english buses are off to one side. A real table, filled with cartoon food, sits in the middle of the scene. The real London, complete with Big Ben, can be seen in the background. [27] Kevin, complete with dopey grin, is standing there with a fake arrow sticking out of his head. [28]

Kevin: Hey, I’m the QB!

Lynn: And you’ve got a fake arrow stuck on your head.

Kevin: Hey, I’ve got a lead part.

Lynn: And you’ve got a fake arrow stuck on your head.

Kevin: And, I’ve got a lot of lines!

Lynn: Which amazingly you didn’t mess up. (Beat.) And you still have a fake arrow stuck on your head.

Kevin: (Looking a bit confused.) Hey, weren’t we going to do a love scene together?

Lynn: Only if the author wanted to die a slow and painful death. (Beat.) With an arrow stuck in his head.

Kevin: Hey, I’m the… Hey doughnuts!

Kevin stuffs his mouth with doughnuts. Lynn rolls her eyes, lifts the headphones to her ears, and walks off the scene to the left. The camera follows.

Lynn: (Singing.) I’m just a sweet transvestite…

Lynn finds Jake sitting on a box crying while Helen tries to comfort him. Lynn walks up lowering the headset.

Jake: But we’re not even in this one!

Helen: It’s OK, Jakey.

Lynn: Is he still upset?

Jake: (Raises his fist in anger.) Damn that Dr. Mike. A painting. I’m only in a damn painting!

Helen: He’s been like this since right after sitting for the painting. He almost tried to strangle Jane after he was told he was finished.

Jake: (Getting angrier.) First he only gives me a couple of lines in the Jungle and now I don’t even get any. Why I ought to…

Lynn: (Pointing from where she came from.) Jake, there’s some doughnuts over there. Why don’t you have some?

Jake: Doughnuts? I love doughnuts. (He runs off.)

Helen: Thanks, Lynn.

Lynn: Daria told me about his love for doughnuts.

Jake: (Off screen.) Kevin, you ate all the chocolate cream filled ones!

Kevin: (Off screen.) Sor-rey.

Jake: (Off screen.) Why you little…

Lynn: Maybe I better take Jake to the lunch cart. Maybe you can talk Mike into getting Jake a few extra lines.

Helen: Where is he?

Lynn: (Points over to the left.) I think he’s still with the Spiral. They didn’t do any songs and they’re not too happy about that. (We hear some strangling off in the distance.) I better hurry before we need a new Knight.

Lynn runs off to the right while Helen walks over to the left. The camera follows Helen until we come to Jane. She’s at an easel painting the landscape. One of those beer hats is on her head, holding two Starbucks takeout cups. She’s sucking at the tubing.

Helen: Good morning, Jane.

Jane: (Not looking up.) Good morning, Mrs. M. Where’s Mr. M?

Helen: Hopefully getting a sugar and chocolate high. How’s the painting going?

Jane looks between the background and her painting. She’s not too happy with it. She puts down her brush.

Jane: Not too well.

Helen: Maybe you just need a break.

Jane: Maybe you’re right. (Yelling towards the back of the screen.) OK, you guys can take it now.

Banging starts as pieces of the background, now known as fake, starts coming apart as pieces are carried away by the Lawndale football team, now dressed as Teamsters. We see sound stages behind the quickly coming apart backdrop.

Helen: I better go find Jake before he gets into too much trouble. Can you see if Mike will give us any more lines in the story.

Jane: (Wiping her hands off on a cloth.) I’ll see what I can do. He’s being pretty cheap with the budget lately though.

Helen walks off to the right while Jane and the camera go off to the left. We come upon the Fashion Club sitting in four director’s chairs. They are being waiting on hand and foot by the three J’s dressed once again in their orange prison uniforms. Quinn has her whip in hand but is spending her time flipping through a magazine.

Stacy: But what I really want to do is direct.

Sandi: I can’t believe that Doctor Mike didn’t make me the star of his fan fiction. I mean I am the president of the local actor’s union. And at least my union dues are paid up to date.

Tiffany: Union. Dues. EEW!

Stacy: (Near tears.) I’m sorry Sandi that I haven’t paid my dues yet but I had to pay some medical bills.

Sandi: Well Stacy. I guess paying to have that mole removed is more important than paying those who make sure you keep your high paying job.

Stacy: I’m sorry Sandi.

Quinn: (Not looking up.) Well Sandi. At least I didn’t hear from someone’s two younger brothers that their older sister had her own doctor bills last summer.

Sandi: Why Quinn. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Quinn: It must be really hard trying to keep secret some silly little bit of elective surgery. I certainly hope that all the details wouldn’t leak out. And if they did leak out, I hope that person was trustworthy enough to keep quiet instead of passing it along to anyone willing to listen.

Sandi looks uncomfortable as Quinn finally looks up.

Quinn: Tell me, Sandi. Did wardrobe resize you finally? I would hate to see you wearing a top that is too tight for you.

Tiffany: (With a slight smirk.) Cat. Fight. Cool.

Jamie: Excuse me, Madam Quinn.

Quinn: Yes, Jimmy.

Jamie: But I’m Jamie.

Quinn: Whatever.

Jamie: You asked me to remind you that Tiffany needed to go help Brittany with her quarterstaff practice.


Need to finish here!

Mary Sue: But what I really want to do is direct.

Quinnette: It’s about time I was in another fanfic. (Beat.) Even if it’s for a small part.

Mary Sue: At least Dr. Mike never got around to killing you off.

Quinnette: Oh come on. At least you had more than one line.

Mary Sue: Yea, but at least you had something to do with the plot line in your piece. I was just a side story. Someone to fly the plane into the side of a mountain.

Need to finish here!

Trent: But we’ve got to sing something.

Jesse: We have to think of our fans, man.

Nick: And the band babes.

Max: Can’t forget the band babes.

Dr. Mike: Band babes? What band babes?

Jesse: We’re on MTV, man.

Trent: There’s always band babes.

Dr. Mike: (He lets out a sigh.) You know I can’t write music. I just spent the last few months trying to get someone to write a couple of songs for this work.

Nick: You were going to write that “What if Daria hosted Saturday Night Live…” fic and include us as the musical guests.

Dr. Mike: It’s on the back burner now.

Max: We could sing one of our songs.

Dr. Mike: A Spiral song?

Jesse: Yea.

Dr. Mike: Do you remember the last song that got included in a Daria work?

Nick: Um…

Dr. Mike: (Doing a half decent Trent imitation.) “Go to the bathroom. Got to get there now.” [29]

Jesse: That reminds me. (Jesse walks off.)

Dr. Mike: Where are you going, Jesse?

Jesse: (Off screen.) I gotta go to the bathroom.

Trent: Um…

The band starts looking at one another and rocking back and forth.

Dr. Mike: (He holds his head.) Oh, go ahead.

The band rushes off after Jesse. Dr. Mike watches them go off, picks his script up, and starts flipping through it. Daria, Jane, and Lynn walk up. Lynn takes the script out of Dr. Mike’s hands.

Lynn: Another one of your fanfictions finished. Not too bad either. I may still let you live. (Beat.) Even if I spent most of the fic with a green face.

Daria: At least Jane and I didn’t have to pretend to get drunk in this one.

Jane: Pretend? (Beat.) Anyway, weren’t we drinking at the dinner with Mack and Jodie?

Lynn: You are giving us a vacation now that we’re done, right? We’ve only been working through all those rewrites for months now.

Dr. Mike: Maybe. I need to finish the Jungle series sometime, do that rewrite on Cynic in the Hood, maybe write something else when I get around to it. Busy, busy, busy. (Beat.) I could always do a special edition and rewrite one of my stories also.

Lynn: Another rewrite? Wasn’t the first time bad enough?

Jane: How many months will that take?

Daria: I think you’re going to have a lot of free time soon though.

Dr. Mike: Why do you say that?

Lynn: Has Canadibrit seen that scene of hers yet?

Jane: Or when I grab AP’s butt?

Daria: Or how you used Jerome and Kate? (Beat.) I must admit I like what happened to Kate though.

Lynn: Or the bar?

Jane: Or Shooter?

Daria: Or “Quinnette” whom you promised never to use again?

Lynn: Or how you did the HTML coding for this work?

Dr. Mike: Actually the HTML is my own. It just looks the same in the browser.

Jane: Or how about all the strange lines?

Daria: Or how about…

Dr. Mike: So, what do you think of the script? I like it.

Daria: But what’s with the ending?

Lynn: Ripped it off from the Spice Girls movie. That takes guts. (Beat.) Or stupidity.

Dr. Mike: Nah, others have combined stuff from the Spice Girls into their Daria works. I liked the ending of the movie. There’s just one thing missing though…

Ext. View: Tom walking along side one of the English buses. He pulls out a set of keys and boards the bus. The engine starts and it begins to pull away.

Ext. View: Back to Dr. Mike, Daria, Jane, and Lynn. The girls look at Dr. Mike with amazement.

Lynn: You wouldn’t.

Dr. Mike smiles and returns to flipping through the script.

Dr. Mike: At least I didn’t put you in their costumes. (Beat.) Plus I’ve included all the characters from the first three seasons of the show.

Daria: I hate to burst your bubble…

Jane: You bubble buster you.

Daria: …but you forgot someone.

Dr. Mike: I didn’t forget anyone. (He takes back the script from Lynn and starts flipping through it.) I even remembered that kid from the first episode with the glasses and the head on his t-shirt, the waitress from Road Worrier, and even the mouse from Lab Brat.

Jane: The rat from Lab Brat?

Dr. Mike: Who else was that crawling around in the first scene?

Lynn: Isn’t that going a little overboard?

Dr. Mike: I said I was going to use everyone from the show up to the fourth season.

Daria: (Crossing her arms.) You still forgot someone.

Dr. Mike: (Leaning back with a smile and crossing his arms.) Who?

Daria: (With a smirk.) Aunt Amy?

Amy: (Off screen sounding annoyed.) Ahem.

Dr. Mike’s smile falls. Aunt Amy walks into the shot dressed in a orange shirt and black slacks. [30] She stands behind Dr. Mike’s chair and folds her arms.

Lynn: Oh look. It’s another look-a-like. Imagine that in a Daria fic.

Daria: Never saw that one coming, did we?

Lynn: What next? An author rip off a classic movie or television show?

Daria: Nah, that will never happen.

Lynn: Oh, no. Not in a Daria fanfic.

Jane: Oh look, Dr. Mike. You’re in deep doo-doo. What will you do now?

Amy: For someone who has a thing for redheads with glasses, I can’t believe you forgot me.

Dr. Mike: Um, I was going to write you in but, um, I knew you were busy with Kara Wild’s Definitely Amy work.

Daria: I think someone’s trying to cover their butt.

Amy: That makes two of us.

Jane: But it’s such a cute butt. (Everyone turns to Jane.) What?

Lynn: So we finally get to meet the famous Aunt Amy.

Jane: Don’t we meet her in his work, Jungle – Part 4?

Lynn: He hasn’t written that yet. We’ve only seen the statue so far. (Beat.) And the rate he’s going, that’s as far as we’ll ever see.

Dr. Mike: (Searching through the script.) Um, I’m sure I can think of some way to work you in. Should only take a second.

Amy: Too late for that.

Lynn: I’m sure we can come up with something else though.

Daria: Like?

Dr. Mike: Maybe I could write an Amy fanfic.

Lynn: (Ignoring him.) Could find a near by dumpster. He seems to like throwing us into them.

Jane: Oh, we can do better than that.

Daria: You know there still is all that equipment over on Stage 53.

Lynn: Madam Quinn is still around. Maybe she can give us a few pointers.

The girls make evil grins. Dr. Mike, looking worried, slides down in his seat.

Act #Well, maybe this is the end.

Int. View: The outer door of the prison cell from the first scene. Jane walks into the scene dragging a chained and hood covered Dr. Mike. She winks at the camera and knocks on the door. It opens and she drags the prisoner into the cell. We watch the door shut slowly as the sound of a whip echoes through the dungeon.

Dr. Mike: (Off screen.) But wait a minute. I’m the author!

Daria: (Off screen.) Heh heh.

Amy: (Off screen.) Heh heh.

Lynn: (Off screen.) Do I have to?

Daria: It will finish this fic that much faster.

Lynn: (She sighs and then in a deadpan.) Heh heh. Happy now?

We fade to black…

The End
or is it?


(When I started writing this thing, authors had just started placing actual links
for their footnotes. *shrug* I guess it has been awhile since I’ve released anything.)

1.) The sub title is taken from the movie “Dr. Strangelove.” It has nothing to do with someone’s who will remain anonymous complaining about the background. 🙂 [return]

2.) Hitting women is bad. Don’t do it. [return]

3.) She’s in a Hindu area singing Christian Christmas carols. They don’t mix too well. [return]

4.) The Holy Grail, The Shroud of Turin, and George Burns would make the occasion joke that he was alive during this time period. [return]

5.) Quote first from the Blues Brothers among other places. [return]

6.) That’s a basic description of Trent if you think about it. [return]

7.) “I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane…” Get it now? 🙂 [return]

8.) A nod to Monty Python’s “Search for the Holy Grail.” It wouldn’t be a Daria fanfic without at least one Monty Python reference. [return]

9.) Made up for this fic. I don’t have a clue as to what dried woodchuck blood would do to one’s system. But I would not recommend trying it either though. [return]

10.) A nod to Warner Brother’s “Rabbit Hood” with Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. I hope I got the amount right as I was unable to find a transcript of it on the net. [return]

11.) A nod to Mel Brooks’ “Robin Hood: Men in Tights.” Can you find all the references to that movie? [return]

12.) A nod to Pinky and the Brain. [return]

13.) Boy, I wonder where the Squire AP doll went. 🙂 [return]

14.) A dig at Viacom’s Web Division about them not getting the Zen’s name right on the Daria Home site. Although it now appears that the books were wrong in the past and the web site contains the correct name. (Beat.) Maybe they got bought out and the new owner wanted to change the name slightly. [return]

15.) Stolen from the computer game, Daria’s Inferno. They must have liked the line since it was repeated over and over again. 🙂 [return]

20.) I’m not a Daria/ Trent shipper but, oh, why not? 🙂 [return]

21.) Hey, I worked in the movie title. Cool.[return]

22.) English literature at it’s best. [return]

23.) Who? Go read Third Time’s The Charm for more information. Yes, I know I swore I would never use her again but, oh why not? 🙂 [return]

25.) OK, Biers is more of an inn or tavern here. Think of a two story house, bar on the bottom floor, rooms on the second floor. [return]

26.) Stolen from The Invitation. I did the scene as a Pick the Caption one week. I’m using a few of the responses to “have some fun” here. Enjoy. [return]

26a.) Swiped from Dr. Mike. Oh wait, that’s me. Do I have to give myself credit? 🙂 [return]

26b.) Swiped from Geoffrey Roberts. [return]

26c.) Swiped from Nemo Blank. [return]

26d.) Swiped from Geoffrey Roberts again. [return]

26e.) Swiped from Desanera. [return]

27.) Think the ending of the Spice Girls movie. Yes, the Spice Girls movie. No, it wasn’t that bad. It had its moments. [return]

28.) Stolen from Murder, She Snored. [return]

29.) Stolen from the computer game, Daria’s Inferno. [return]

30.) She was wearing that get up in Through A Lens Darkly. [return]


This was a long one to write. I started it on September 16th, 2000, put it aside for a bit to work on the Jungle series, and then came back and finished it on January th, 2001. This makes my eleventh piece of Daria work and my eighth fan fiction. (Collect them all!) It also is the one that took the longest to write. It is different from the standard Daria universe and some of the characters sometimes acted differently from their counterparts on the show but I think it came out pretty well.

Once again my thanks to Canadibrit for the use of her characters, Lynn and AP, and for her beta reading services. Also my thanks to TAFKA for beta reading this work also.

So how did this come about? Well we have a theater here in Charlotte that shows the old classics on the big screen twice a week. They recently (Well, recently back in 2000.) showed the 1939 version of Robin Hood with Errol Flynn and as I sat there, I realized that most if not all of the Daria characters would fit into the movie very easily. Some doubted me and even I had a bit of a problem with a couple of the characters but I feel it worked out pretty well.

In case anyone is wondering, I tried to follow the books and legends more than the movies. That’s why some scenes will seem strange to some readers, they grew up on the Disney version of the story. The biggest difference I have noticed in my research of the Robin Hood legend is that he did not just steal straight away from the rich. He first fed them a feast and treated them to a good time. And then he made them pay for it but only a fair amount and not always all of what they had. The legend includes times where he let travelers continue on their way without paying anything for their food. The legends are a lot different than the Disney movie.

What’s next? I’m not even going to guess that right now. I finally dug out the original Daria – Jane Conspiracy site off of the old server and am now trying to merge the two sites together. I have the forth piece of the Jungle series started plus I am working on the rewrite of Cynic in the Hood. I also have some one shots either started or planned. We shall see what gets done first.

Thanks for reading my work. I hope you enjoyed it. To see more of my work or the work of other Daria fans, please visit my site, The Daria – Jane Conspiracy. I also run a weekly Pick the Caption contest using Daria stills from the show that you may also want to check out.


Cynic Hood” (aka “Cynic in the Hood“) is copyright 2000,2001 by theApparatus.daria, the Daria fanfic publishing arm of theApparatus.Communications. Daria and all characters and creations of the “Daria” television show are copyright 1997, 2000 by MTV animation. The characters Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre are copyright 1999, 2000 by Janet ‘Canadibrit’ Neilson and are used with her kind permission. The characters ‘Quinnette’ and ‘Mary Sue Character’ are copyright 2000, 2001 theApparatus.daria and are used with their kind permission. All rights are reserved by those copyright holders. Permission is given to any Daria fan to download a single copy of this work for their own personal use. Permission is also given to any webhost and/ or webmaster to post this work in its entirety on their own website as long as 1.) All copyright marks remain as is within the work, 2.) An email is sent to the author to notify them that the work is displayed, 3.) No payment is required to view the work, and 4.) No advertising is displayed with the work with the exception of advertising required by the webhosting service.

“Dr. Mike”, “Dr. Michelle”, “Kris Kat”, “Vicky Johnson’, and “Father Karla” are trademarked 1983, 1987, 2001 by The Dovet Memorial Fund and First Company International and are used with their kind permission.

Yes, I got bitched at for not putting in all this on my other works. Happy now David? 😛


Cynic Hood:
Script Editor: Tafka the Dragon
Script assistance from: Canadibrit, Kemical Reaction, and Sarah Jean “Flattie” Renolds.
Character clearance: Canadibrit
Legal clearance: David Hope at McSmithen – Loude Trusts, London.
Soundtrack on F*ckit Records.


Written and Directed by: Dr. Mike Wendell, D.Su.
Webhost: Chris Cranford at The King’s Domain Software, Charlotte.
Produced by: theApparatus.daria, Charlotte.

No animals were harmed during the writing of this fanfiction.
Many Harry Potter fanfic authors were portrayed as Huns and put to death.
There’s too many of them anyway. 🙂

In Memory of and Dedicated to: Laurel “J.J.” Renolds.


“Robin Hood and His Merry Men” written by Jane Louise Curry. Published in 1994 by Margaret K. McElderry Books. (ISBN 0-689-50609-0)

“Robin Hood in the Greenwood” written by Jane Louise Curry. Published in 1995 by Margaret K. McElderry Books. (ISBN 0-689-80147-5)


Jane: Are we done yet?

One thought on “Cynix Hood

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