Daria Fanfiction - Top Ten Number 1

As any fanfic author will tell you, a lot of ideas will pop into one's head that will never make it on to paper. Sometimes that is a good thing. With the stuff I write, I always get the question after I release a fic "If this is what makes it to your finished product, what kind of s#&% do you reject?"

...or something like that.

The following are ten short pieces of material. Some of them are really bad and I don't apologize for them. A few may be developed at a later date into fics. All ten are meant in fun and are just an attempt for humor. If I made you smile at least once during your read of this work, I'm happy.

(I would pass them off as the booze talking but I don't drink.)

Enjoy. :)

The scene opens on a lit stage with a black backdrop. A middle aged man grinning from ear to ear walks out wearing a blue leisure suit holding a mike. The crowd goes wild as he waves to it. Seventies pop music begins to play in the background.

The man: (He begins to sing.) "Love is in the air."

A big pile of red tomatoes pile down on him covering him up.

Daria, Jane, Jodie, and Quinn stand in a line. A tree falls on Quinn. Blood squirts everywhere.

Jane: Oh my god. You killed Quinnie!

All three look back and forth between each other as the blood slowly seeps out.

Jodie: (Quietly.) Daria, you're suppose to say "You bastard!"

Daria: (With a slight smirk) I am? Will I guess I messed up the line. Do you think we can do it again?

There's some grumbling out of the shot as the tree is jacked back up. Quinn slowly stands back up looking like crap covered in blood.

The Director: (Off stage.) Take Two! Action!

Quinn: No! wait a min...

The tree again falls on her and out squirts some more blood.

Jane: Oh my god. You killed Quinnie!

Daria: (She pauses too long again.) Oh, damn. I messed up my line again. Can we try it again, please?

The tree is lifted again and Quinn slowly stands up again looking even worse. We see a slight smirk on Daria's face.

Int. View: Tom's car. Daria and Tom are in a deep lip lock. It takes them a bit to pull apart as we sit there waiting.

And waiting...

And waiting some more.

Sheeze. Even my ex-fiancee and I weren't this bad.

They finally pull apart and retreat back to their own sides of his car. They're both breathing hard and it takes them a couple of minutes to relax enough to talk.

Daria: I've (pant) got to (pant) get home. (pant)

Tom: Well, I'm glad (pant) we parked near (pant) your house. (pant) I don't (pant) think I could (pant) drive anywhere (pant) for a bit.

Daria: Um, ok.

Tom: That's a compliment.

Daria makes a small smile, reaches over, gives Tom a peck on the cheek, and leaves the car. Tom watchs her walk away.

Tom: Damn, she's a good kisser. (Beat.) Well, I guess I have to get home.

Tom turns over the ignition. The scene changes to show a little black box in the engine with a red light and a green light. The green light turns to red. The scene changes back to show a frontal shot of Daria as she walks along the sidewalk heading home, Tom's car in the distance. Tom's car explodes into a fireball taking the two parked cars near his with him, plus a nearby tree and shattering all the nearby glass. Daria goes face down into the sidewalk, bouncing a few times off the hard concrete. A secondary explosion goes off creating another fireball taking a nearby house with it. Daria covers her head with her hands. The fireball rises into the sky as Daria looks back in horror, her face and hands bleeding from a number of cuts.

An evil laugh crackles from out of the picture. Daria turns to look at whomever it is.

Jane: (She's holding a remote.) He's dead. If I couldn't have him, neither could you.

Jane crackles again as Daria rises from the ground, a look that could kill on her face.

The scene fades from black into the SNL stage. We hear clapping in the background. Daria Morgendorffer stands there wearing a green wrap around dress smiling at the audience and the camera.

Daria: Once again Mystic Spiral with their special guests the Thompson Twins and Run-DMC!

She claps and turns while the camera pulls across to show the stage where the bands play as we fade to black...

Int. View: The Lane Basement. Trent and Jesse play something complicated on their guitars while Jane and Daria watch. The song ends and Jesse looks up, surprised to see that they have an audience.

Jesse: Woah!

Trent: (Still looking down.) What?

Jesse: Babes.

Daria: (As an aside to Lane.) That's probably the hardest thing he's said in a year.

Jane: (Back at her.) Don't knock it. He's cute. (A strange kind of happy smirk appears on her face.)

Trent finally looks up.

Trent: Hey Jane. Hey Daria.

Daria: (Her thoughts.) Must speak. Must say something. (Finally she gets something out.) Bubble - gurgle - timatwo. (She puts her hand over her mouth and turns bright red.)

Jane smirks at Daria and goes over to Jesse.

Jane: I've got some pie upstairs. Want to have some desert?

Jesse: Cool. Food. (He puts down his guitar.) C'ya.

Jane and Jesse climb the stairs leaving Daria alone with Trent. Trent puts down his guitar and walks over to Daria who is still covering her mouth.

Trent: (He smiles slightly.) Hey.

Daria is finally able to pull her hand away from her mouth but her eyes stare at the ground.

Daria: (In a very low voice.) Hey.

Trent reaches out a hand to cup her chin. He lifts her face slightly towards his. Her eyes dart to his face only to fall back to the ground.

Trent: You know, Daria. You don't have to be afraid of me.

Daria: (Again in a low voice still not looking at him.) I'm... I'm... I'm not afraid.

Trent's smile gets a little bigger as he lowers his head slightly to try and catch Daria's eyes. This just makes her look away harder.

Trent: You know Daria. I was checking you out when I took you and Jane to that party.

Daria's face lights up on this news as her eyes dart back to him.

Daria: You were? (The eyes dart away again.) That's (Beat.) nice.

Trent: Yea. I saw you looking at me also from across the car.

Daria: Um...

Trent: Daria, you can look at me.

Daria finally turns to face him.

Trent: And I know what you want.

Trent leans closer into Daria while Daria comes up to meet him. Their faces get closer and closer, their lips are about to touch...

Nah! That one will never happen.

Jane and Daria are walking down the street returning home from school. Jane stops and looks down at her clothing with a look of horror. She lets out a gasp of terror as finally Daria notices that her friend has stopped and turns to see what the problem is.

Jane: Look at what I'm wearing. It's red! I'm wearing a red shirt! I'm going to die!

Daria: (Very confused.) Excuse me?

Jane: It's red!

Daria: Sure, it's red. It's red every day. You wear the same thing almost every day of the week.

Jane grabs Daria by the shoulders with both hands.

Jane: But don't you see? The one in red always gets it in the first few minutes of each episode. It happens in every episode!

Daria: (Still confused.) Jane, you're not making any sense.

Jane: (Looking around wildly.) It's around the next corner. Some monster or plasma burst. I won't be expecting it. It will leap out, I'll make a scream, and then they'll fade me out like all the others. (She stops and stares in one direction.) Where is it?!?!

Daria: Lane, did you eat the Mexican surprise today for lunch?

Jane: (Again looking around.) I've got to hide so they can't find me.

Jane goes running off the screen and, from the sound she makes, jumps into some bushes. Daria watches her crazed friend, rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

Daria: I knew we shouldn't have watched that Star Trek Marathon last weekend.

Daria walks off to see where her friend has gone to.

We start with a blank, black screen. We hear some spacy, windy fast paced music in the background. Then we see the following lines fade in and out quickly.

"Bloodier then Blood Sport"

"More Mortal then Mortal Kombat"

"More Studious than Rival Schools"

"Cynic Killer - the Return of Daria"

This is followed by some fast paced combat scenes seen over some loud, hard rock music. We see Helen taking out Jake with her Cell Phones of Death, Ms. Li done up as a huge, fat Buddha sitting on Tiffany, Jane taking out Quinn with her spinning Art Brushes of Pain, Brittany taking out Sandi with her Pom-Poms of Death, Kevin mowing over Ms. Li with his Football Pads of Armor, Mr. D. taking out Brittany with his flying Eye of Horror, Trent taking out Helen with the sound coming out of his guitar, Upchuck protecting himself from Ms. Li with his Smile of Disgust, Beavis turning around, lowering his pants and taking out Quinn with his Fart of Beans, and then Tiffany talking Mr. D. to death.

"With special hidden characters:"

We then see Lynn Cullen shooting at Ms. Li with her pistol, Crazy Nutso throwing tomato bombs at Brittany, Smoochy go after Crazy Nutso with her Kisses of Agony, Canadibrit taking aim at Kevin with her crossbow, and SEBBD.D letting go with her flying hat, chopping off Kevin's head.

"With new bosses:"

Daria taking out some huge guy in a three piece suit with her harmonica playing. The guy falls over and we see "MTV Programming Director" written across his back.

"And special attacks:"

We watch Mr. Barch stand screaming at Mr. D. who stands there wobbling. She then reaches down his throat and pulls out his skull and backbone as he falls to the ground. She raises it over her head with a cry of "You Man!"

Another blank screen, a break and then we see...

"Coming soon to a gaming system near you."

With the Daria circle logo and the MTV logo underneath.

Ext. View: A outside, round water fountain. We hear the song "Love and Marriage" sung by the late Frank Sinatra. The title "Married with Cynicism" comes across the screen.

We see the following Daria cast members playing their counter parts from Married with Children:

The water spray in the fountain goes out as we fade to black.

Int. View: A Lawndale High Hallway. Jane is at her locker getting a cup of coffee out of the machine in her locker while Daria stands there beside her. Quinn is a short distance away reading a fashion magazine.

Ms. Li: (From the intercom.) ...And a reward has been posted for the person who returns the stone Buddha that was stolen from my desk. Of course only the guilty party would have access to it so (Snicker.) they will also get a weeks worth of detentions.

Jane: Still have it?

Daria: Sure do.

Daria pulls the Buddha statue out of her backpack and hands it to Jane. Jane looks at it, makes a face, and tosses it over her shoulder. It lands in the trash barrel of Pavlov who just happens to be walking by at the very same time.

Pavlov: (In Russian.) Nice shot, Jane.

Jane: (Also in Russian.) Thanks. Please dispose of it. We do not wish Ms. Li to find it.

Pavlov nods and walks off.

Ms. Li: (Again from the intercom.) I would also like to say welcome to the two new students we have joining us today. While I forget your names, I am sure you will bring honor to LAWNdale High. That is all.

Daria: One of these days, Lane, I'm going to have to learn how to speak Russian.

Jane just looks at her, smirks, and nods. Quinn looks up at something off of the screen and her mouth drops.

Jane: Russian isn't that hard to learn. Writing it is what... the hell are they doing here? (She says the previous lines as she pulls away from her locker and glances to where Quinn is still gaping towards.)

Daria also looks up as we see a pair of female teenagers walking down the hall talking. The first one is an almost copy of Daria but she wears a purple jacket and has her hair different. The second one wears camouflage and has Jane's face, Daria's glasses and Quinn's long hair. The three keep on walking past and out of the scene. Daria, Jane, and Quinn just stand there looking in shock at each other.

Our group: Nah!

They return to what they were doing.

Number #1

The scene fades in to a sign that says "The Great White North." We hear Jane making some Coo-koo noises that almost sounds like a theme in the background. The camera pulls back and we see Daria and Jane dressed in winter parkas, sweaters and wool hats. They sit in two chairs behind a low table covered in empty beer bottles. Stacks of cases of beer surround them and a large map of Canada is behind them on the backdrop.

Jane: (Smashed.) Like good day, eh?

Daria: (Ditto.) Good day, eh?

Jane: (Turning to Daria.) I said that, you hozer.

Daria: Welcome to (hic) the Great White North. I'm Jane and this is my sister, Daria, eh? (Beat.) That doesn't sound right.

Jane: You're stealing my (hic) lines, you hozer.

Daria: Hey, like the little red (hic) light is on.

Jane: Oh, yea. (She collects herself and starts making the coo-koo theme again.) Like good day, eh? Welcome to the Great (hic) Great White North. I'm Jane and this is my sister, Daria. (hic) Say hi, Daria.

Daria: (Swig.) Hi (hic) Daria. And this is my sister, Jane. (Who is now chugging her beer.) Say hi, Jane. (She looks all around the room looking for Jane.) Wait, where did you go, you hozer. (Jane finishes off her beer and slams it to the table. Daria finally notices her.) Oh, there you are. So (hic) what do we have today for the show?

Jane: (Popping open another beer.) I thought (hic) thought you knew?

Daria: I don't know anything. I'm getting drunk. (Big swig.) Hey, where's Trent? I want to give him a great, big kiss.

Jane: Oh, sure. (hic) I just had to get you drunk and now you want to go off chasing Trent.

Daria: (She shakes her head wildly almost tipping over.) No, I don't want to chase him. I just want to (hic) kiss him.

Jane: You got to kiss him first. I mean catch him first.

Daria: What? You don't think he would want to kiss me?

Jane: I think he's in (hic) the green room.

Daria: I'll be right back.

Daria stands up, wobbles a bit, takes a swig and a step forward, and then falls back into her chair.

Jane: I guess you (hic)changed (hic) changed your mind?

Daria: Nah, (hic) I'll make him come to me. (Swig.) Either that (hic) or I'll make him come to me. (She looks off stage and bellows out.) AP!

Jane: (Covering her ears.) Not so loud.

Daria: (Still loud.) WHAT? (Swig.)

Jane: Not so loud.

Daria: (More normal.) Oh, sorry.

Daria holds out her beer bottle. She and Jane ding their bottles together and take swigs. AP wearing a headset and holding a clipboard walks into the shot. He doesn't look too comfortable.

AP: You wanted something?

Jane: Yea, I want another beer. (She chugs.)

Daria: Yea, go find me (hic) Trent.

Jane and Daria drink and watch as AP goes off.

Jane: You know, he's got a (hic) nice ass. (Swig.)

Daria: Don't we have (hic)someone special as a (hic) guest today, Lane.

Jane: Yup, all the way from the Daria set (She points off stage.) just around the corner, it's Mac.

Daria: Actually I think it's Jodie.

Jane: Ok. (She swings her arms out wide and wobbles a bit.) JODIE!

Jodie stumbles in holding a beer bottle.

Jodie: Hi (hic) guys. Can I sit down (hic) somewhere? Before I fall (hic) down?

Jane: You can (hic) you can (hic) sit down on those (hic) cases of beer. They're American beer and ain't worth a *BEEP*.

Jane points to a pair of cases sitting between her and Daria. Jodie climbs over Daria, nearly tripping.

Daria: (Ticked.) Jodie, watch it. You're going to drop your beer. It's good Canadian beer.

Jane: Better drink it before you (hic) drink it. I mean (hic) drop it.

Jodie: Ok. (Swig.)

Daria: So Jodie. What are you here today for? (Swig.)

Jodie: I'm here to talk about a new (hic) product in the Daria line of merch- (hic) merch- (hic) stuff we sell.

Jodie leans forward, knocks a few beer bottle out of the way, and lifts up something that looks like a green foam cylinder. She holds it so the camera can get a closeup. It has a picture of Daria circle logo on it.

Jane: Why, that looks (hic) like what I gave to Tom to warm up his dic...

Jodie: (Interrupting.) It's a bottle warmer. (She slips it over her bottle of beer. It takes a couple of tries.)

Jane: Sounds like (hic) a neat idea. I wish I had (hic) had one for my beer. (Swig.)

Daria: Um, why would you want to keep your beer warm?

Jodie: Um...

Jane: Maybe it's like that Micky D's sandwich my father was telling me about from a few years ago. It keeps the hot side hot and the cool side cool.

Daria: But there are no sides. It's just a beer bottle.

Jodie: (Getting annoyed.) Well, maybe you should attend a few production planning meetings, Miss. I've got my own TV show so I can sit back and have a few whenever I feel like it.

Daria: (Getting mad.) Hey, take off you hozer. It's my show and if I want to drink a few cold one's in my trailer, I'm allowed to. (Swig.)

Jodie: You knob.

Jane: Hey, don't get mad. It will ruin the beer.

Jodie and Daria shrug and all three take long swigs.

Daria: What's on the show next week, Lane?

Jane: Mice racing I think.

Jodie: Going to have some more beer?

Daria: Of course.

Jodie: I'll be there. (Jane and Jodie swig.)

Daria: So we'll see you next time on the Great White North. I'm Daria and that's my sister (Jane passes out on the floor as she tries to take another swig.) Jane. Good day, eh?

The lights fade as we watch Jodie and Daria finish off their beers.

Notes:

Why? I don't know. Something different from me and I didn't feel like working on any of the fics that I had started. I sat down and wrote these out over a period of two afternoons.

Any cheap shots I have taken at people in the Daria fan community are meant in fun. :)

No, this is not an example of my normal style of writing. This was just done as something different.

Notes from #10:

     I ain't going to say who that was. I'm hoping most people will be able to guess.

     (Ok, it was Crazy Nutso but don't tell him.)

Notes from #9:

     I can't think of anything to say here.

Notes from #8:

     I'm sure there are a few people out there who would like to see this happen for real in the show.

Notes from #7:

     I've given some thought about doing a "What if..." type fic that had Daria host Saturday Night Live. I may get to it someday.

Notes from #6:

     Trent isn't that forward. That's a pity for some.

Notes from #5:

     The red shirted ones in the original series of Star Trek were the ones always getting killed on away missions. That must be why we never saw Scotty going anywhere.

Notes from #4:

     Daria the Video Game.

Notes from #3:

     Most of the scenes come from the real introduction of MWC, changed slightly to fit the Daria crew. The only one that doesn't is the Quinn/ Kelly one which comes from a scene from an episode.

Notes from #2:

     Jane has a coffee machine in her locker in my stories. The two walking down the hallway are creations of Canadibrit (Lynn Cullen), and myself. (a dream character.)

Notes from #1:

     It's been over fifteen years since I've seen a Great White North short. I know it's a lot different from what they were like but I'm just doing this for fun.
     In my fics, AP is the nephew of the show's producer.
     Also don't drink. It ain't good for you.

Good day, eh?