by
Dr. Mike
A little while back, I wrote a "fic" containing ten story ideas or scenes that I was unable to fit into my other writing. My muse though will not leave me alone and I received a lot of positive comments so here are ten more Quickies. Again, not all of these are examples of great ideas or writings. They're just here to get a laugh or two. Most of them are fairly short and you only get eight this time.
Some of these are fanfic ideas that I may do at a later date.
Enjoy. :)
The scene opens to show a show booth at a large trade show. Daria and Jane wearing white tee shirts stand behind the booth trying not to look happy. A young computer geek walks up to the booth. He's probably expecting them to be booth babes.
Daria: What do you want?
The scene fades to a black background with a circle logo of an ostrich with it's head in the ground.
Voice over: Cynix. The *NIX operating system for the cynic in all of us.
Ext. View: The back alley of a restaurant or a bar. Jane leans up against the wall near the back door and a small staircase. After a few seconds, the door flies open and Daria storms out and stomps down the alleyway. Jane of course follows.
Daria: (Mad as heck and still storming.) I won forth place.
Jane: (Shrugs.) Well that can't be that bad.
Daria: Forth place. Can you believe that? The girl who won it didn't look a think like... ARGH!
Jane: I think you're just taking too hard, Daria. At least you came out near the top.
Daria stops and glares at Jane.
Daria: There were only five entries.
Jane just shrugs and tries a small smile. Daria just glares and Jane turns away. They walk off again.
Daria: You won the last one you were in. They must like you.
Jane: So I got lucky.
Daria: Luck had nothing to do with it.
Jane: Must of. The winner of yours just got lucky. I mean how can the real Daria place forth in a Daria look a like contest?
Daria just shrugs as they walk off.
Daria: (Off screen.) At least they didn't tell me to strip this time.
We see Daria walking down the street, her school backpack over her arm. She stops, turns, and looks off the side of the shot. After a beat we hear a front door open, and a sigh as something that sounds like a body scrapes against wood. Daria's eyes open a tad wider as we hear in addition to the stomp-stomp of boots we would normally hear, a small scraping metal sound is repeated after every second boot stomp. Jane walks into the picture dragging along a hospital IV rack. The tube from the IV is attached to Jane's arm and is providing her with some type of dark brown liquid. She stops once she comes into sight of Daria and grunts her "good morning" to her. They turn and walk off again, the metal wheels of the IV rack providing the metal scrapping.
Daria: Um, Jane.
Jane: I thought getting my caffeine fix would be easier and quicker this way.
They walk off together.
The screen fades into an open forest. Displayed is the logo "Crossbow Hunting with Canadibrit."
The logo fades and we see Canadibrit dressed up in outdoor hunting clothing with a loaded crossbow over her shoulder.
Canadibrit: Good day. Today we hunt a dangerous, wild animal that is a danger to all: All the people who have been bugging me about when Ben and I will be releasing our fic, Tour of Duty. Since there are so many of them, we decided to make a game of it. Ben is off in the woods hurding all of the targets together to make it easier for me. Let's see what we can bag today.
She lowers the crossbow into a ready position and stalks off into the woods. After a minute we begin to hear the loud twangs of the crossbow along with some high pitched screaming.
I know of one thing I hope never ever to see every again on Daria.
But before we continue:
an advert for one of Dr. Mike's continuing series.
Commercial Hell: We see a white director's chair sitting in the middle of a white, empty sound stage. The camera pulls in close and we see a telephone speaker sitting in the middle of the chair with the phone cord running off to the side.
A male voice from the telephone speaker: Have you been following Dr. Mike's the Jungle series?
The scene changes to a series of shots that rotate through. The scenes rotate faster as the commercial progresses. Some loud, hard, fast driven music is played in the background.
The scenes are:
*A World War 2 bomber flying towards a tree covered mountain. It is pitch black with lightning lighting up the sky. Flames pour out of one of the engines.
*Lynn Cullen squatting down in tall grass holding a pistol with both hands in a defensive position. She glares around her at a large group of tribesmen armed with spears who look really, really mad.
*Quinn Morgendorffer slipping and falling off a log over a deep, deep chasm.
*A floor filled with snakes and spiders and other disgusting things. It is lit by what appears to be a flickering torch.
*Two large groups of tribesmen rushing through the jungle towards each other armed with spears. They meet in the middle of the shot and some start going down.
*Lynn running across some large metal debris towards Jane and Quinn. She holds a large red sack with a red cross symbol on one side.
*Our group standing around looking at something above them. Quinn reaches up and the group is gathered up in a net that they were standing on and is lifted off the ground.
*Warriors dragging Jane and Lynn over to a fire pit while Daria, Vincent and Quinn look on in horror.
*Daria standing all alone in a hut, getting angry all of the sudden, and reaching out, grabbing a pedestal, and throwing it across the room.
The scenes get smaller and smaller. After a couple rotations through the set, they are replaced with a full size shot of Daria and Lynn looking at one another.
Together: Excuse me?
The scene goes to black. After a beat the words "The Jungle" fade in across the middle and a scripted "Dr. Mike's" at an angle in the upper left corner. After a long beat, the screen goes to black again to be replaced with the two interlocking circles that make up the Canadibrit - Daria logo. After a beat, underneath the logo appears "Part #4 - Coming soon...".
Daria is again walking up the sidewalk, her school backpack hung over her shoulder.
Daria: Didn't we just do this one?
She comes up to a point on the sidewalk, stops, sighs, and looks off to the side. An off screen door opens and we hear a body scraping as it goes through the doorway.
Daria: She forgot to shut the door again. (Beat.) Hopefully Trent will get it when he wakes up.
We hear the stomp stomp of boots as someone slowly walks towards Daria. Brittany appears in the shot, dressed as Jane. They both turn to the camera.
Daria: (With a smirk.) You were expecting the Easter Buddy?
Int. View: A sound stage. Upchuck sits in a director's chair between Daria and Jane who stand on either side of him. He's grinning ear to ear. Jane is holding something behind her back.
Upchuck: I knew you two couldn't get out of doing something with me this season.
Jane: We would like to take a few moments to talk to you today about the advantages of using duct tape.
Jane pulls a pair of rolls out from behind her back and holds them up for the camera. She passes one to Daria. Upchuck just sits there and grins.
Daria: The biggest use of duct tape is of course, taping.
Daria pulls a length of tape off of the roll, snaps it with her teeth and winds it around one of Upchuck's hands. Jane does the same on the other side.
Upchuck: Rowwr! Fiesty!
Jane: There are other uses for duct tape but we like taping best of all.
Daria and Jane tape up Upchuck's legs like they did his arms.
Upchuck: (A little concerned.) Um, ladies?
Daria: Hey Jane. Did you know you can stop most leaks with duct tape?
Jane: You mean like this?
Jane pulls a length of tape from her roll, snaps it with her teeth, and covers Upchuck's mouth with it.
Daria: Now nothing can get past that.
Upchuck makes some high pitched squeals trying to get out of what is happening.
Jane: I don't think that my piece of tape is good enough. Why don't you put another piece on there, Daria.
Daria: Don't mind if I do.
Daria tares another piece of tape and covers his mouth even more. We hear lesser grunting now. They start covering Upchuck up with tape.
Daria: What else can we do with duct tape, Jane?
Jane: I don't care. This is fun.
They start going to town covering Upchuck with tape, starting with new rolls when needed. Jane even secures the tape and starts going around and around with it.
Jane: (Winded.) Whew!
A few low pitched grunts come from Upchuck and he moves a bit. He can't go far.
Daria: Duct tape. Your friend and mine.
They chuck the empty rolls towards the camera as they walk off the stage. The stage goes to dark while the duct tape manufacturing trade organization logo is displayed on the screen. Upchuck's grunts get a bit more pronounced.
And finally...
(in case you're still reading these)
The original song written by Jeffery Moss and sung by Bob McGrath and a number of the Muppet Performers.
(Apologies to all copyright holders.)
Lines that are sung are in italics.
The scene opens to a sound stage with a low brick wall along the front. We hear some happy, poppy music. Bob McGrath and Elmo walk in from opposite sides of the screen, Elmo's behind the brick wall of course.
Bob: Hi Elmo!
Elmo: Hi Bob! What're you doing?
Bob: Oh, I was just going to take a walk through the neighborhood. Would you like to come along and see who we meet?
Elmo: (Elmo is a happy Muppet.) Would I? Let's go! (He starts to go off but Bob grabs him.)
Bob: Hold on there, Elmo. We have to sing the song first.
Elmo: Goodie. Elmo like to sing.
Bob: Oh, who are the people in your neighborhood?
Elmo: In your neighborhood?
Bob: In your neighborhood?
Say, who are the people in your neighborhood?
The people that you meet each day.
Bob and Elmo walk a little bit and come up to Brittany. She is dressed as always in her cheerleader's outfit. She's doing a little cheer dance waving her pom-poms around.
Bob: Say, Elmo do you know who this person is?
Elmo extends his body and looks at Brittany from various angles. He then turns to Bob and then to the audience.
Elmo: (He does that little up and down thing the Muppets do on every syllable.) Bim-bo!
Bob: (Waves him off with a little laugh.) No, Elmo. Brittany isn't a bimbo. Try again.
Elmo again looks at Brittany from various angles and look back at Bob.
Elmo: Are you sure, Bob? This is a toughie.
Bob: Look, she's got a set of pom-poms, she's doing a little dance waving her pom-poms around, and she's wearing an outfit. What do you think she is?
Elmo looks again a couple of times and then back at Bob.
Elmo: Elmo don't know.
Bob: Brittany is a cheerleader!
Elmo: Oooohhhhhh.
The scene changes to a shot of Brittany still doing her dance off in her own world. After a couple of beats, a hand reaches out and grabs her.
Brittany: Huh? Oh, yea. The song.
(Reading in a sort of singing voice.)
Oh, a cheerleader always has to be perky.
Even when her team's outlook is murky.
(Now waving her pom-poms.)
For the football team I cheer and cheer and cheer
(Her droops her pom-poms as she gets an annoyed look on her face.)
But they just try and get me drunk with free beer.
Bob: 'Cause a cheerleader is a person in your neighborhood.
Brittany: (Waving her pom-poms a couple of times.) In your neighborhood
Bob: She's in your neighborhood.
Brittany: A cheerleader is a person in your neighborhood.
Bob: A person that you meet each day.
Elmo: (Waving.) Bye-bye, nice cheerleader!
Bob: Let's see who else we can find today in our neighborhood.
Bob and Elmo walk off together and happen upon Kevin in his football uniform complete with helmet. He's changing stances from a three point stance, one that looks like he's going to throw a bomb, a side to side touchdown victory dance, etc.
Kevin: Hey, I'm the QB!
Elmo turns to Bob.
Elmo: Bob, what's a QB?
Bob: Well let's try and figure it out ourselves, Elmo. What does he look like?
Elmo looks over Kevin from different angles. He turns back to Bob when he is done.
Elmo: These are toughies today, Bob. I don't know.
Bob: Well what if I gave him this football (He does so.) and pointed out his padding and his helmet. What would you say then?
Elmo again looks him over and turns back to Bob and then the television.
Elmo: (He again does that little up and down thing the Muppets do on syllable.) Inner city school librarian.
Bob: (Again with the laugh.) No, Elmo. He's a football player.
Elmo: Oooohhhhhh.
The camera focuses on Kevin who is still doing his little touchdown dance. Another hand reaches out from the side of the shot and grabs him.
Kevin: Huh?
A voice from off stage in a loud whisper: The song. Sing the song you practiced.
Kevin: Oh right,
Harry went a-courting...
The voice: (Loud whisper.) No, the other song.
Kevin: Oh, the football player is a star.
He runs across the field real far.
You get six points for a score.
And, um... Hey, I'm the QB!
Bob: 'Cause a football player is a person in your neighborhood.
Kevin: In your neighborhood
Bob: He's in your neighborhood.
Kevin: Um, we're just nuts about nuts and, um...
Bob: (Shaking his head.) A person that you meet each day.
Elmo: (Waving.) Goodbye, mister football player.
Kevin goes to run off, waving at Elmo. He trips over the low brick wall and goes flying. Both Elmo and Bob cringe.
Elmo: Hey Bob?
Bob: Yes, Elmo.
Elmo: Who are we going to meet next, Bob?
Bob: Let's see, Elmo.
As they walk, they come up to Ms. Li. She stands there looking off of the screen.
Ms. Li: I saw what you did young man. I saw you take two doughnuts off of the caterer's table. That doesn't bring honor to Sesame (She lengthens that out.) Street.
Bob: So who is that, Elmo?
Elmo does his look over again while Ms. Li looks down on him.
Ms. Li: Do you have a hall pass?
Elmo looks back at Bob.
Elmo: What's a hall pass?
Bob starts to speak but is interrupted by Ms. Li.
Ms. Li: And you, young man. You need a hair cut. Look at you. You bring dishonor to Sesame (Lengthening it out again.) Street.
Elmo: Bob? Elmo's frightened. Can we leave?
Ms. Li: You can't leave yet. I have to do my song.
Oh, a principal has a lot to do.
She makes sure you follow the rules.
Do not swear, spit or chew gum.
Else it's detention under my thumb.
Bob: 'Cause a principal is a person in your neighborhood.
Ms. Li: In your neighborhood
Bob: She's in your neighborhood.
Ms. Li: A principal is a person in your neighborhood.
Bob: A person that you meet each day.
Elmo: Can we go now, Bob?
Bob: Sure, Elmo. Let's see who else from our neighborhood is around.
Bob and Elmo continue their walk but Ms. Li calls after them.
Ms. Li: I want to see that hair cut next time I see you, young man.
Bob and Elmo walk up to Daria and Jane standing there with their arms crossed. They don't look too happy.
Bob: Hey, Elmo. Do you know who these too people are?
Elmo does his back and forth thing looking them over and turns back to Bob and then the camera.
Elmo: (He again does that little up and down thing the Muppets do on syllable.) Grouches.
Jane: (An aside to Daria.) Hi Oscar.
Daria: (Back to Jane.) Hi Felix.
Bob: Elmo, they're not grouches. Are they covered in green?
Elmo: No, but they don't look too happy. They remind me of Oscar.
Bob: They're high school students.
Elmo: Oooohhhhhh.
Elmo goes back to looking at them.
Daria: Are we getting paid for this cameo?
Jane: I doubt it.
Bob: Don't you have a song you would like to sing to Elmo and all the kids watching at home?
Daria: Oh, I guess.
Oh, a high school student leads a hard life
Jane: We get up before the crack of dawn.
Daria: Get taught by teachers who can't teach
Jane: Just for the diploma that's out of reach.
Bob: 'Cause a high school student is a person in your neighborhood.
Daria: In your neighborhood
Bob: She's in your neighborhood.
Jane: A high school student is a person in your neighborhood.
Bob: A person that you meet each day.
Daria: Only if you're not lucky.
Jane: We didn't rhyme all the way though.
Daria: Close enough.
Jane: Hey, isn't that that toy that you tickle and it laughs?
Elmo: Elmo don't like to be tickled.
Jane: Come here you.
Elmo: Elmo not want to be tickled!
Elmo runs and Jane chases after him off of the screen.
Daria: A high school student is a person in your neighborhood.
Ms. Li: (Reappearing.) And a principal is a person in your neighborhood.
Kevin: (Stumbling out) Um, we're nutty about nuts...
Elmo and Jane go rushing through in the background.
Brittany: (Bouncing out.) And a cheerleader is a person in your neighborhood.
Bob: These are people that you meet (Climax of the song here.)EACH DAY!
The music ends.
Kevin: Um, the football player is nuts about nuts...
And we fade to black as we see Jane chasing Elmo through the shot again.
Again: why this? Well, the first Top Ten I did was a big hit with a lot of good feed back and a lot of people read it. It just went over so well and I came up with a couple more ideas, I decided to do another one.
Am I going to do another Top Ten on top of this one? Right now I kind of doubt it. I have five other fics and a series started. Maybe some time in the future. I wouldn't turn down anyone who wanted to send in a small piece though for the third Top Ten. Maybe we can have most of it done by guest authors.
Why only eight? I couldn't come up with two more. Maybe something will come to me later on or someone else will write a small piece for me.
A friendly reminder that I run a "weekly" Pick the Caption contest on my website, The Daria - Jane Conspiracy. No prices but it's a lot of fun. You can find the contest by visiting my site at http://www.tdjc.net and clicking on the 'Pick the Caption' menu choice. You can also check out my other works and the works of other Daria authors. The site also includes a search engine.
Number #18 - Some like this was used as a cartoon in the on line strip User Friendly. Others have used it before them I am sure but they are the first ones I saw use this joke.
Number #17 - No notes.
Number #16 - One of the running gags in my stories is Jane and her coffee addiction.
Number #15 - SOMEONE keeps bugging Canadibrit and Ben Yee about when their work, Tour of Duty, will be released. This idea came to me after Canadibrit mentioned that her fans and readers wouldn't leave her alone.
Number #14 - See this horrible sight in the movie introduction for the Daria movie, "Is It Far Yet?" A number of people commented that we did not need to see this and I agree.
Number #13 - Gotta have some fun. :)
Number #12 - Saturday Night is fun with tape. From an old Garfield cartoon among other places.
Number #11 - Won't you be my neighbor? :)
We fade back onto a darken sound stage. We can see Upchuck still taped to the chair. He wobbles a bit like he's trying to get to his feet but the chair tips over and he falls to the floor. He lets out a long low moan as we fade completely to black.
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