Yet another attempt to finish up my Cynic Hood series. Chapter 3 this time.
Cynic Hood, the DVD Version – Part #3
A tired looking Admiral Galloway sits in his command chair on the bridge of his dreadnought. He tabs down repeatedly on his pad skimming over data while a nervous looking yeoman stands at rigid attention behind him. He sighs and thrusts the pad back at the yeoman.
Admiral Galloway: Let the Commander decide what she wants to do.
The yeoman nods and runs like hell. Admiral Galloway looks around the bridge at the smooth and efficiently running bridge crew, not a one out of place. He cracks his knuckles and leans back as the intercom interrupts. He flips it on.
Admiral Galloway: Bridge.
Chief Engineer: (Yes, he’s Scottish. Happy?) Engineering, Admiral Galloway. Did you have a wee bit of a chance to look over those requests I made?
Admiral Galloway: (He sighs.) No. You’ll have to get with the Commander to make that decision. (He flips off the intercom while a hot looking number steps up wearing a cook’s apron [Among the rest of her uniform. Sickos…] holding a cup of chocolate pudding and another of butterscotch. After he tears his eyes from the crewman, he sighs again.) You’ll have to ask the Commander. (The crewman pouts, the reader’s draw drops over that image, she turns and slowly, slowly walks away. Please make sure you clean up any drool off of the keyboard or your significant other will be upset.) This is insane. I still here all day long and push buttons and funnel data and paperwork. She gets to make all the important decisions. (He pauses until he gets a look in his eye.) I wanted to be… the Commander! Leaping from star system to star system, as we float down the mighty interstellar currents of space. Yeaden! Connex! The twisting paths of the Geadon! The asteroid filled channels of the Ruggieri! The hidden reaches of the Isaacs Dust Cloud. The splendor of the light filled Rudolf Nebula! (He grabs someone from out of the shoot and pulls them in) With my first officer by my side, we’d sing! Sing! Sing!
I’m the Commander, and I’m okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.
A large bunch of random Crewmen, officers and troopers:
He’s the Commander, and he’s okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I cut down rebellions. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go explorin’
And destroy rebels before my tea.
He cuts down rebellions. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes explorin’
And destroys rebels before his tea.
He’s the Commander, and he’s okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I cut down rebellions. I punish and destroy.
I like to press big red buttons.
I put on long white togas
And hang around in airports.
He cuts down rebellions. He punishes and destroys.
He likes to press big red buttons.
He puts on long white togas
And hangs around in airports?!
He’s the Commander, and he’s okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I cut down rebellions. I wear white togas,
Shaved head and beads.
I wish I’d been a Hare Krishna,
Just like my dear Papa.
He cuts down rebellions. He wears white togas,
Shaved head, and beads?!
What’s this? Wants to be a Krishna?! Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!…
He’s the Commander, and he’s okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
He’s the Commander, and he’s okaaaaay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
We return to the forest, the wonderful world of the forest filled with lots and lots of wonderful trees. It’s early morning as we hear a rooster crowing off in the distance. We slowly travel through the forest until finally arriving at a camp spread out in a clearing in the forest. Rough, but nice looking tents, each one large enough to hold a small family, fill the space in small groups as women tend cookfires and watch over breakfast while children run around playing games. We continue our journey through the camp, pausing to look up trees to show manned guard perches around the camp and small stacks of well made weapons in piles between tents. We finally arrive at the front of one tent where Jane Scarlet, idol of many and heartthrob of a few, pushes through the flaps of her tent. She stands for a second rubbing feeling back into her arms as she looks around. She dodges the playful running of a few of the camp’s children with a smile. Something clicks in her mind as she walks with a purpose to a tree, opens a well-disguised door set within the tree, and makes her first cup of coffee of the morning. As she begins to shut the door and walk away, a thought pops in her head as she goes back and makes a second cup. She travels through the camp, taking sips of her coffee now and then, nodding to the various members of the camp, watching a small squad of women practice drill with their weapons, steering away from the Fashion Club who look like wreaks and the children laughing at them, until arriving at another tent across the camp. She knocks the front pole a few times with a mug, listens but does not get a response. She tries again but shrugs after a moment when she still doesn’t get a response. She dodges the tent flag and enters.
The inside of the tent is still nearly dark even though the flap is letting some light in. She pauses to take another sip of her brew as her eyes adjust to the light and she looks around. She finds a very neat area, clothing is hung up with care, weapons are neatly stacked against the side of the tent, and the cot is made with a pink teddy bear sitting on top. Jane sees the bear, backs out of the tent, sees the tent has a name tag for Brittany on it, shrugs and walks over to the left to enter another tent.
This tent is trashed. Pizza boxes and melted Ben and Jerry’s containers litter the floor, clothes are thrown everywhere, opened books and CD cases are scattered across everything, papers and quills cover the desk, half burned candles are everywhere, and a number of Muppet chickens nest around the room. Jane looks around the tent and nods while sipping her coffee.
Jane: Dr. Mike’s tent I presume. (Beat.) At least there’s no blow up sex dolls lying around.
She notices something on the ground that she picks up with interest. It’s a pair of silver handcuffs that she holds out with a look at the camera. She takes a quick look around and pockets them trying not to spill her coffees. She crosses the tent being careful where she steps. She stops in front of the cot where Dr. Mike is spread out across it arms and legs at every angle. Jane looks at the sleeping Dr. Mike, looks at one of her mugs, looks back at the sleeping fanfic author, and looks at the camera with a raised eyebrow. She holds a coffee out over the poor, innocent sleeper.
Jane: You do know he did make me run morning lines with a cat, right?
Dr. Mike snorts and rolls over, nearly falling off the narrow cot. Jane rolls her eyes and finally just boots the bed hard. Dr. Mike flops up.
Dr. Mike: Huh? What that? (He looks around with half closed eyes.) Oh, only you. (He flops back down and snuggles in with his pillow.) Why, yes, I would love to be an Outpost Daria featured author. Thank you very much for the honor. Are tens and twenties fine?…
Jane: (Jane holds out her coffee and looks at the camera once again.) Please?
Jane is about ready to really give the bed a kick when the tent flap goes up again and Quinn walks in.
Quinn: What’s taking so long?
Jane: Sleeping Beauty’s still asleep and I can’t get him to wake up. Here. Have his coffee.
Jane hands Dr. Mike’s coffee off to Quinn who takes it. She drinks and walks out of the tent pausing at the flap.
Quinn: You know if Lynn was here, she’d get him out of bed in an instant.
Jane: (Turning.) Already tried kicking him like she would have but he just flops right back down.
Quinn: Use your womanly charms. That’ll get his attention.
Jane looks after Quinn for a moment and turns back to look at Sleeping Bea…, I mean Dr. Mike. She smirks as she puts her coffee down on a flat surface, kneels down near the bed, and begins to whisper into Dr. Mike’s ear.
Jane: (In a whisper but with a smirk.) Dr. Mike? Dr. Mike? Can you hear me? (Dr. Mike makes a small noise and he turns towards Jane.) You know last night was wonderful, Dr. Mike. You took me to places I’ve never been before. I still feel that tingle down in my toes. Dr. Mike? (A little louder moaning this time from Dr. Mike.) Dr. Mike? I have to go but just wake up enough so I can say goodbye.
Well, this plan backfires. Dr. Mike reaches out, grabs Jane’s head with both hands and plants one right on her mouth. He finishes and lays back down on the cot finally opening his eyes fully to look at the face of his beloved. His gleeful expression turns into horror as he looks at the amount of red on Jane’s face.
We change views to show the outside of the tent. Items are thrown out of the tent and against the sides as we hear loud screams of disgust followed by pitiful pleading of “I didn’t know!” A group of women pause only for a moment near the tent, as they have to go dodging aside as hot coffee and flying chickens come their way.
The view changes as it’s now midmorning and Dr. Mike, Jane, Brittany, and a number of the group are gathered under cover in the forest near the road. They appear to be waiting for someone or something. Well, most of them. Dr. Mike holds an ice bag to his head and gives off low moans.
Brittany: What did you do to him?
Jane: (Slight smirk.) I tried to bring him fresh coffee, he tried to get fresh with me, and I got fresh on him.
Dr. Mike: (Still moaning.) Ow, my head. Make it stop, please. (The rest of the group looks on in awe at Jane who just smirks and returns her watch to the road.)
The camera changes to show a long caravan guarded by a large number of Muppet pigs. Wagons pulled by Muppet horses are followed by a single wagon built like a house. A Muppet pig on horseback approaches the single wagon and calls out.
Muppet Commander: Are you alright in there, my Princess?
The Princess: (From inside the wagon.) Can you please tell the driver to not hit every pothole in the road? ARGH!
Muppet Commander: I shall tell him, my lady. (He rides off not telling anyone anything.)
The caravan continues until reaching a fork in the road. The left sign points off to Lawndale while the right sign points off to Oakwood. The caravan makes a left and continues on. After they pass, the Fashion Club steps out of the forest and, after some confusion, replace the signs with the correct ones pointing in the opposite directions. They melt back into the forest.
The caravan continues until we pick it up again on a long stretch with a small wooden covered bridge crossing a small river. The troops are hesitant until their commander orders them to cross. About two thirds of the troops cross when a solid wooden door slams down the center of the bridge. The women surround the back half of the caravan, take the swords from the guards and lead the wagon off into the woods while the remaining guards try to recross the river over large rocks. Jane pauses as she passes the enclosed wagon as she hears much yelling. She motions to the troops as she opens the door. A veiled Miss Piggie stands in the doorway. She’s not too happy as she stands there dressed like an Arabian princess.
Miss Piggie: What is the meaning of this? Why have we stopped again? Where is the commander? Why haven’t we reached Lawndale yet? Where’s my lunch? What’s going on here? Who are you? Why is everyone wearing green? Where’s my ladies in waiting? (Miss Piggie stops her rants as Jane pulls her sword and places the point right in front of Miss Piggie’s nose.) Of course I could just wait a few minutes for you to get back to me, OK?
Jane: Oh, no. We’ll give you the answers you seek right now. You see you’ve been raided by Dr. Mike and his troop of Wonder… (She pauses and looks around.) Where is Dr. Mike anyway? (Everyone starts looks around now.)
Miss Piggie: Well, if you need to find him, I won’t keep you. Ta-ta for now. (She tries to close her door but is stopped by Jane.)
Sandi: (Off screen but as soon as she starts, the cameras move over. The Fashion Club is, um, carrying Dr. Mike into view who is still trying to hold the ice bag on his head.) I can’t believe we had to drag this sorry reject of a fanfic author all this way.
Quinn: Sandi, it was only 30 feet. It wasn’t that far. And he’s not that heavy.
Sandi: Oh sure, Quinn. Just because you’re used to manual labor and working like a peasant doesn’t mean I have to be.
Quinn: That’s not what I meant, Sandi. What I meant to say was…
Sandi: (Interrupting.) Oh, so now you don’t understand us, Quinn. As president of your Ladies in Waiting, I must insist that you look after our needs at all times.
Stacy: Sandi, he’s hurt and we’ve got to help.
Sandi: So my wellbeing is less important then the wellbeing of some geek? And a fanfic author as well?
Stacy: I didn’t mean it like that, Sandi.
Tiffany: I’ve. Got. A. Foot.
Dr. Mike: Ow, my head. Please make them stop. (They plop him down on the ground as everyone gathers around.)
Miss Piggie: Hmm, he’s not much to look at, is he?
Jane: Not really. (She returns her sword.) I guess I shouldn’t have hit him so hard. He’s such an easy target though.
Miss Piggie: Never stopped me before.
Jane: Well, we need to go and get ready for the next scene and you need to get ready for your other scene this afternoon. Lunch later on?
Miss Piggie: Just no ham.
The women melt back into the forest dragging Dr. Mike with them as Miss Piggie watch her troops continue to cross the river.
Ext. View: A pathway leading through a small collection of houses. The wanted posters of Dr. Mike, with the new additions of painted over glasses, beard and devil horns are scattered on every available flat surface. We can see Princess Li’s castle in the background. Jane and Brittany walk into view wearing some of the guard uniforms that they obtained with scarves around their necks. Jane carries her sword and Brittany her quarterstaff.
Brittany: I don’t see why we have to come into town today, Scarlet.
Jane: (She sighs.) We have to see how many guards Sheriff Daria has working around the town. That way we can tell Dr. Mike how many to expect on the next few caravans. (She pulls out a list and starts checking it.) We also need some fresh bread. Can’t live on deer meet and apples all the time. I’m also out of coffee. (She replaces the list in her pocket.) Also Dr. Mike is still holding that ice pack to his head. This will give him some time to rest.
Brittany: You shouldn’t have hit him so hard.
Jane: (She shrugs.) What’s done is done.
Brittany nods as they make their way to a baker’s hut.
Daria: (From out of the shot.) You there!
Jane and Brittany turn at the voice. Daria approaches on horseback. Jane gulps and quickly covers her face with the scarf.
Daria: Why aren’t you at your posts?
Brittany: (Twirling her hair.) Um, well…
Jane: (Disguising her voice and hamming it up.) The Princess’ cook gave us money to get some bread.
Brittany: That’s right!
Daria: (Leaning forward in her saddle and taking another look at Jane.) Don’t I know you?
Jane: (Stilling having fun with her lines.) Why we meet a few weeks ago at that guard mixer. I was the one giving out fruit punch to everyone. (Making sure the scarf is in place.) You also pass me every day at the gate, Sheriff. (She coughs and clears her throat noisily.) I’m just fighting a bad cold. It’s flu season you know.
Sheriff Daria look at Jane with a smirk and then shrugs. She sits back upright.
Daria: I need two guards to watch over my manor while I’m in the forest hunting the outlaw, Cynic Hood. Since the two of you aren’t doing anything important, I’m assigning that job to you. Is that clear?
Brittany: Um, is what clear?
Daria: Watching over my house.
Brittany: Um, there’s a watch over your house?
Daria: (Trying not to get mad…) No, I need two guards to guard my house and since there are two of you, one-two, I want the two of you to do it? (…but failing at it.) Understand?
Brittany: You want a U2 tutu? Wouldn’t Bono be upset?…
Jane: (Interrupting before Brittany can say anything else.) Yes, we do, Sheriff. We will go there right now.
Jane pulls Brittany along while Daria looks after them. She smirks, shrugs again while shaking her head and then motions her horse off in the other direction.
Ext. View: Another path leading up a small hill to a nice looking two story house. A woman in an apron sits in a chair in front of the house peeling potatoes. Jane and Brittany walk up the path.
Brittany: But I thought we were supposed to get back to Dr. Mike as soon as possible.
Jane: We are but this is a chance that we won’t get again to do some damage. Who knows what we’ll find in the Sheriff’s home?
As they get closer to the hut, we see that the cook is angrily peeling off large portions of the potato’s skin.
The Cook: (Mad as heck.) I gave him the best twenty two years of my life, and he just walks out on me for some teenaged bimbo barmaid. (She turns quickly and points her knife at Jane and Brittany who stop short at the sight of it.) Never trust a man you two. They’ll just take your love and your trust and throw it to the wind.
Jane: Um, right. (She points at the knife and makes a motion to push it aside.) Do you think you can point that elsewhere?
The Cook: (She returns to peeling the potatoes.) Men are worthless pieces of trash. (Some poor unlucky sixty year old farmer has chosen this bad time to pass by in his ox cart. She screams out at him) YOU MAN! (He ducks down in his seat hurries away as chunks of peeled potatoes come flying after him.)
Jane: Um, right. The Sheriff sent us here to guard over his manor while he’s gone.
The Cook: And that’s another one. That damn Sheriff. Has that big huge trunk filled with gold and silver but do I get any of it? Hell no! (She slams down the knife into the chair she is sitting on, breaking the blade. She calms down and tries to continue her peeling. On discovering the condition of her knife, she tosses it over her shoulder and pulls out a new one. The old one lands on a small pile of broken blades.)
Brittany: (Twirling her hair.) Um, then why do you cook for her?
The Cook: It pays the bills. Goodness knows that greedy ex-husband left me with enough of them.
Jane: But surely you can get a better job instead of working for that scum, um, for the Sheriff. What is your name?
The Cook: Ms. Barch. And who might you be?
Jane: This is Little Brittany and I am Scarlet. We’re lieutenants to Cynic Hood, the outlaw, and are looking for a few good women.
Barch: Cynic Hood? I have heard nothing but bad things about her.
Brittany: Isn’t Cynic Hood a ‘him’ now?
Barch: (This sets her off ever more.) She’s a he? (She shakes her head and returns to her potato torture.) Miss one lousy script read through…
Jane: If you have only heard bad things, you’ve only been listening to the Sheriff. Dr. Mike resides in Sick Sad Forest simply to take from those who are well off in support of those in need. Maybe your master does not like that idea.
Barch: (Thinking.) I doubt that she would.
Brittany: Plus there aren’t any men around. (Beat.) Well, except for Dr. Mike
Barch: (She thinks for a moment and then stands upright.) You’re right. There’s nothing here holding me to this place.
Jane and Barch begin to go off but Brittany just stands there thinking and twirling her hair. Jane turns back.
Jane: Little Brittany, come on. We’re leaving.
Brittany: OK, but aren’t you doing to do something about that trunk with the gold and silver in it?
Jane looks at Barch with confusion. Barch thinks for a second and then remembers what Brittany is taking about.
Barch: (Heading back to the manor.) We mustn’t forget that. It will help the poor of Sick Sad Forest and the county.
Barch opens the front door and they head up the stairs. We enter the Sheriff’s bedroom. The walls are painted in purple with crossbow bolts sticking out here and there, mostly centered on the window frame and the frames of the room’s two doors. A four poster bed dominates the room with a desk, dresser, and footlocker are shoved against one wall. A pair of silver handcuffs lay on top of the purple bedspread. Barch, Jane, and Brittany come into the room through one of the doors. Jane looks at Barch with a raised eyebrow. Barch shrugs.
Barch: Construction never had a chance to repaint it. (She points out the trunk.) The trunk’s heavy. We’ll all have to carry it.
Music – Beats me
We watch Barch, Brittany and Jane bend down at opposite corners of the chest and try lifting it up. They strain three times before giving up.
Brittany’s face lightens up as she holds up a bobby pin. Jane grabs it, sticking herself with it, and tries unsuccessfully to pick the lock.
We then watch Ms. Barch trying to pry it open with a long metal crow bar. Jane and Brittany scowl as the bar bends in the middle.
Now ropes are thrown up through a window and tied to the chest by Ms. Barch. Jane ties the other ends of the rope to a pair of horses, whacking them on their rears to start them pulling. The horses strain at their tethers but to no avail.
Ms. Barch sits on the bed, Jane on a chair at the desk and Brittany on the chest. Jane’s bored and is tidying up the desk. When she moves a book on the top of the desk, the top of the chest springs open and Brittany goes flying. Barch and Jane smile at each other.
Ext. View: Outside of Sheriff Daria’s manor. The two horses are now attached to a small cart. Brittany and Ms. Barch are filling the back of the cart up with sacks. Jane comes out with a stack of silver dishes and she slides them in also. She makes a motion suggesting that there are more of them back in the manor and all three go back inside.
With Ms. Barch driving the team, the full cart begins to leave. Jane stops the cart, searches through a bag and holds up a roll of toilet paper. Everyone grins again.
They pull away for a second time laughing, as the manor has now been completely wrapped in toilet paper.
Ext. View: Deep in the Sick Sad Forest. The cart pulls into view surrounded by a large number of females dressed in forest green tunics and leggings. Brittany and Jane begin to hand over the contents of the cart but a stern look from Dr. Mike, finally without ice bag, makes them stop.
Int. View: Dr. Mike’s tent, still trashed. The flap is thrown up and Dr. Mike walks in followed by a very upset Jane.
Jane: What do you mean we have to give it all back? It’s from the damn Sheriff. We got it fairly and she’s one of the worst of the bunch.
Dr. Mike: Scarlet, we don’t steal. We rob. There’s a difference.
Jane: Really? Seems like we stole from Lord Mack and Lady Jodie a few days ago among the other caravans we’ve hit.
Dr. Mike: That’s different. We gave them the chance to fight us, beat them fair and square and then still treated them to dinner. What you did was sneaky and underhanded.
Jane: (Grinning.) I know. Wasn’t it great?
Jane grins at Dr. Mike but he just scowls. The smile slowly melts away from Jane’s face.
Jane: I still don’t see what we did wrong. I saw an opportunity of getting her out of the way for a short period of time, she left, and I made off with her stuff.
Dr. Mike: Scarlet, you went behind her back and against her trust. She might be out to get us but that doesn’t mean we can act the same way she does.
Jane: OK, fine. (Beat.) What are we going to do about it?
Dr. Mike: I don’t know yet. (Beat.) Look, I’m sorry about kissing you. I thought you were someone else.
Jane: And I’m sorry about beating the crap out of you. (Beginning to look worried.) I’m not going to have to bring Sheriff Daria’s stuff back, am I? I don’t think that would be a good idea.
Dr. Mike: Why not? (Jane gets a sly smile on her face.) What else did you do?
Ext. View: The outside of the tent. A couple birds are resting on the edge along the top and some of Dr. Mike’s people are walking by.
Dr. Mike: (Very loud from inside the tent.) YOU WHAT?!?
The birds fly away and the women take one look at the tent and walk away quickly.
Int. view: The Great Hall. Many tables are scattered around the hall with Princess Li, Sheriff Daria, Lord Mack, Lady Jodie and Bishop DeMartino seated at the head table while a sad, hungry looking Squire Fozzie stands guard behind them. Other well-dressed members of court fill out the head table while the lesser members are seated at the other tables. Servants continually bring in platters piled high with roasts and bowls piled high with exotic fruit. Sheriff Daria finishes off a leg of some sort and chucks it over her shoulder, bouncing off the front of Squire Fozzie and falling between a pair of hounds. They fight over the scraps, almost knocking over the poor squire. Princess Li throws back her mug of mead and slams the empty container against the table, smacking her lips. She belches loudly and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.
Li: (Wiping her mouth off on her sleeve.) Tell me Sheriff, how does the hunt for the outlaw Dr. Mike go?
Daria: (She makes a frown. She had been enjoying the feast before she got reminded about her current problem. She picks at a drumstick.) It goes. The reward has been posted and the peasants have been warned that anyone harboring the rebel shall be punished along side him. (Beat.) They’ve hit three more caravans this week. (Beat.) Along with my manor.
Li: The peasants can’t hold out that long. Soon they will give up on this outlaw else they will all be jailed. (She takes a big bite out of the leg of mutton and chews.) If they still won’t betray him, we shall just give them more encouragement. Lop off a few heads or lock them up or something like that.
DeMartino: I still can’t BELIEVE that a simple lord of the COURT has give the best WARRIORS England has to offer the SLIP.
Daria: (Looking pissed that she has to cover herself.) We will capture him soon. The county is not that big and he’s not that smart.
DeMartino: It seems to ME that as long as he stays in that FOREST of his, he can HIDE from the likes of YOU.
Sheriff Daria gives the bishop a dirty scowl. We hear a loud commotion from outside of the hall. Heads turn as Sheriff Daria rises from her seat, drops her chicken and begins to draw her sword. Other knights and lords also rise from their seats, drawing their swords, while trying to look out into the hallway.
Daria: Who makes such a racket? Guards, put an end to it!
The three J’s dressed as castle guards and holding spears rush out the door to stop the noise. After a second, the three come flying backwards into the room falling on their backsides. Dr. Mike walks into the room pushing a cart loading down with trays of food. He marches directly up to the head table, stopping in front of the Princess Li.
Dr. Mike: (Out of breath.) Princess Li. Excuse me for not bowing in your presence but this cart is heavy and I am afraid that I will collapse if I were to bend at the waist.
Li: (Jumping to her feet in anger.) What is this? How dare you just walk into this castle and interrupt our feast? (She looks around the room.) Who is this? And why doesn’t he look like my sheriff?
Daria: (If looks could kill. She returns her sword to her scabbard.) The Lord Dr. Mike, my lord.
Dr. Mike: (Looks toward Daria.) Sheriff Daria, a pleasure as always. Let me say you look ravishing this evening. You will again have to excuse me for not bowing. I apologize for what happened with your manor and your cook. It appears that some of my people were a little over zealous in their actions. In case you wonder, the deer my younger sister shot earlier was excellent eating. We saved you a prime cut of the venison. Would you like it delivered to your quarters?
Daria: (She’s tearing apart a drumstick in her hands.) No, I’m sure you can feed yourself on it this evening. You are not welcome here, Dr. Mike
Dr. Mike: (Looking around as best as he can while leaning against the cart.) But is this not a feast for all the nobility of the county? Surely you must have just forgotten to send me an invitation. I’m sure you remember where I live. Of course, how silly of me. You burned my father’s castle to the ground. I forgot. And here I come all this way with food for the feast.
Li: Your family’s lands were forfeited to the crown while you were gone. Your father was unwilling to collect the taxes that were enacted to support my, um, the county’s troops.
Dr. Mike: You mean he didn’t want to line your pockets.
Li turns bright red on this and sputters some.
DeMartino: (He hasn’t been paying attention to the previous lines. All he has done is stare at the trays of food on Dr. Mike’s cart.) What did you bring, Lord Dr. Mike?
Dr. Mike: (He begins to place the trays of food on the table.) Your grace, it is an entree that I discovered during my journey to the Crusades. It is called lasagna. The peasants and the nobility in that part of the world find it a delicacy. (He also pulls out a flagon and pours a few mugs.) And this, my lord, is called Iced Tea.
DeMartino: (He picks up a fork and starts poking at it.) Sounds interesting. What’s it made out of?
Dr. Mike: Noodles, tomatoes, and cheese. Some eat it with bacon on the side. Please try some and tell the court your opinion.
Li: You have a lot of guts to come walking in her unannounced. Surely, you have heard of the amount on your head.
Dr. Mike: One hundred gold crowns? I must not worry you that much if that’s all you’re willing to give up for my head.
Dr. Mike picks up a tray of lasagna and a mug of tea, walks over to an empty seat at the end of the head table, sits down bumping the lord who was sitting there, puts his feet up on the table, and begins eating using his dagger. The entire court glares as one although a few of the women sneak a look with lust in their eyes.
DeMartino: (Eating away.) You know, this is pretty good.
Dr. Mike: I’m glad you liked it, your grace.
Li: (Getting really mad now. She points to Dr. Mike and yells out to the court.) Would someone please arrest him?
Dr. Mike: They know they can’t, Princess Li. (He takes another byte and smirks as he chews.)
Li: And why not? (She turns back to the court.) Two hundred gold pounds! (Beat.) Why do you just stand there?
Daria: Because this is a feast. Truces are called during feasts. We can not attack him, as he can not do the same to us. (Beat.) It’s an English thing.
Li: (Almost screams it.) Five hundred gold pieces!
Dr. Mike: And it’s not honorable.
This gets through to Princess Li and she sits down in her throne.
Daria: (An aside to Li.) You don’t have to be nice to him. And as soon as he leaves the castle, he’s out from under the protection of the feast and we can attack him then.
Li: (Sitting down and picking up a goblet.) So tell me, Lord Dr. Mike. I’m sure you wouldn’t have come here unless you had something to say to me.
Dr. Mike: (Still sitting with his feet up on the table munching on some lasagna.) Well, I must admit that I’m not very happy with the way you treated my parents. I made a promise to myself that I would see the ones who put them to death also die.
After a second, what Dr. Mike just said sinks into the knight’s heads and they rise again with swords partly drawn. They look towards the Sheriff for instructions but she makes a small movement with her hand. They slowly sit, their anger brewing.
Li: That’s mighty strong words, Lord Dr. Mike. I would almost call it a threat. Wouldn’t you?
Dr. Mike: (He takes a bite of lasagna and chews while thinking over his next words.) No, I wouldn’t call it a threat. (He knocks back the goblet filled with iced tea and begins to look for another. He takes a goblet from the next table setting over and takes a swig.) I would call it a promise. You don’t have any bread to go along with this, do you?
The Sheriff makes a small motion with her hand. A blond haired servant wearing glasses and a tunic with the picture of a large head printed on the front carries over a bowl of bread and lets Dr. Mike pick out a couple of pieces. He retreats afterwards.
Li: You seem mighty sure of yourself. Within this castle and this county, you are a wanted outlaw and criminal. The castle holds over fifty guards and this very hall some of the best knights in the kingdom.
Dr. Mike takes a look around the room at the various knights. Most of them are still brewing in anger at him. Dr. Mike finishes his lasagna, takes another swig of wine, wipes his mouth off with his sleeve like a typical male, and stands. He slowly walks past the sitting knights.
Dr. Mike: These knights? (He turns to one.) Lord Buzzcut, who was the one who helped you when your grain supply burned to the ground and your peasants were going to go hungry?
Buzzcut: (His face softens.) Your family did, Lord Dr. Mike.
Dr. Mike: (He moves on to the next knight.) And you, Lord Van Dreisen. Who helped you wife when she had the twins?
Van Dreisen: You and your mother, Lady Helen, my Lord.
Dr. Mike: (Continuing down the table.) And you, Lord McVicker. I know we helped your family out.
McVicker: Yes, your family has. (He looks quickly over at Li and then back at Dr. Mike. He hangs his head so not to look in his eyes.) But things have changed, Lord Dr. Mike.
Dr. Mike: (He sighs.) Yes, they have. (He moves over to the head table to stand in front of Princess Li.)
Li: You play a dangerous game, Lady Dr. Mike. Perhaps you should just give yourself up and make it easier on yourself.
Daria: You know you can’t win.
Dr. Mike: And why is that, Sheriff Daria?
Daria: (Smugly.) Because, unlike other Robin Hood characters, I can speak with an English accent. (An intake of breath is heard throughout the crowd.)
Dr. Mike: (Oh, he’s mad.) La. De. Da. You think you’re all so high and mighty with your English accent and your masses of troops.
Li: Just give up, Dr. Mike. Your chances are non-existent.
Dr. Mike looks around at the gathered knights and the guards. We see that some of them are slowly working their way to the head table to cut him off from any possible escape.
Dr. Mike: (She smirks.) Oh really?
Dr. Mike raises his hand and a thick rope rolls down from the over head balcony. He grabs hold and is pulled upwards just as the knights and the guards converge on him. Dr. Mike climbs over the edge of the balcony and is greeted by Jane and Brittany along with another five of the group. They drop the rope and begin to pull out swords and quarterstaffs.
Dr. Mike: Thanks. Got our way mapped out of here? (He pulls his own sword.)
Jane: Down the stairs, through the front gate, and out over the drawbridge?
Dr. Mike: (He nods.) Sounds like a plan to me. Let’s get out of here.
Dr. Mike, Jane, and Brittany take the lead with the others protecting their flanks and the rear. The three J’s block their descent but a simple foot shoved against each of their chests disables them. The group continues down the stairs to land on the main floor of the castle. Lords and Ladies are running all around but no one is paying them any attention.
Dr. Mike: (Looking around at the chaos.) I take it that the diversion is going well?
Jane: (Also looking around.) I would imagine.
Ext. View: Outside looking at the castle. It is covered in paint of all different colors. A loud THONG is heard and a large bladder is seen flying through the air towards the castle impacting against the wall. A second thong noise is heard as another bladder flies through the air.
Int. View: Another castle hallway. Andrea is standing by a window looking at the court members running by. As she turns towards the window to look out, a look of horror crosses her face. A shot out the window shows the bladder coming directly at the camera. The bladder impacts against the window, knocking it open. Bright neon yellow paint from the bladder covers Andrea and the surrounding area.
Ext. View: The forest near by. Two large rubber bands are stretched between two sets of trees. Quinn commands one band while Tiffany commands the other one. Two women pull back on each band while a third places a new bladder in the crux of each one. Quinn and Tiffany aim their bands almost at the same time and gives the fire command. Two more bladder bombs go flying into the air and are heard splattering against the castle in the distance. A cheer goes up among the rest of the group who are watching while the crews ready two more bladders.
Quinn: Anyone see them yet? This paint is hard to wash off and I don’t want to hit them with it.
Stacy: I think I see them coming up the hill.
Tiffany: Make… sure… that… it’s… them.
A few of the ladies go off with swords drawn as two more bladders are launched. They thud against the walls and another cheer goes up. Dr. Mike and group come into the shot with their escorts just as another pair of bladders are launched. One thuds against the castle but the other one causes a guard to give a high pitched scream. All of the women make “OW!” faces.
Jane: Ow, that’s gotta hurt.
Dr. Mike: Only you Scarlet. (He turns to the rest of his people.) OK, we’re done enough to paint the town. Let’s go.
They gather up their equipment and retreat into the darkness. We show the interior of the great hall. It is a mass of color and a wreckage of furniture. Sheriff Daria climbs out from under a chair. She is covered in paint, her face painted green. She begins to wipe the mess off of her as Kermit the Frog, dressed as a page steps up to her.
Kermit: It’s not easy being green.
Daria rolls her eyes as Kermit snickers.
It’s just an Act?
I thought it was the real thing!
Ext. View: Deep in the forest along a trail. Sheriff Daria and a small group of guards, including the three J’s, are mounted on horseback as they travel through the forest in a group. All of them still show the remains of the paint attack on their faces and their armor. Daria still has a bright green face.
Daria: (She’s in a foul mood.) Be careful, men. They’re sneaky bastards. Especially that Dr. Mike. He’s the biggest bastard of them all.
As soon as Daria finishes saying that, some of Dr. Mike’s people begin falling from the trees, taking out the guards that surround the Sheriff. Daria draws her sword and waits for someone to charge her but no one does. Once all the guards are out cold and their swords confiscated, Jane steps out of the trees and takes the reins of Daria’s horse. She is dressed again in the stolen guard’s uniform with the scarf around her face.
Daria: (Looking closely at Jane.) I remember you.
Jane removes the scarf.
Jane: Sheriff Daria, the Lord Dr. Mike requests your presence at a dinner in your honor this evening. We insist that you attend. (Beat.) Green face and all.
Daria: (She scowls at Jane but doesn’t respond to the comment.) What about my men?
Jane: They have not been harmed nor will they be. Once they wake up, I’m sure they will travel back to the castle. I must insist though that you wear this blindfold. (She removes the scarf from her neck and holds it up to Daria.)
Daria: I seem to remember another time you gave me your word.
Jane: I do believe that if you recall, I never said anything about giving you my word. This time I do and I promise you that no harm will become of you.
Jane holds out the scarf again. Daria scowls at it. Jane sighs.
Jane: Please, Sheriff, hurry up. It’s almost dinnertime and I am hungry. We waited a long time for you this afternoon in the hot sun.
Daria looks over her men noticing that they haven’t been harmed and at Dr. Mike’s people surrounding her. She sighs and leans over to accept the blindfold.
Pitch Black. We hear the noise of a great number of people in the background. They sound happy.
Jane: (From off screen.) We’re almost there. Just a few more feet. There. Why don’t you sit down on this tree stump until I get this blindfold off of you? Now let me get it off of you.
Light peeks in from around the blindfold as Jane pulls it back. It’s like we’re looking through Daria’s eyes. We are deep in the forest where a large number of tents are set up around a clearing. A small group of women are off in one direction eating hunks of mutton around a campfire. At another fire, a group is singing in along with a guitar player. Some youngsters run through chasing a playful dog.
Jane: I am sorry about the tree root you tripped over. If you just wait a sec… Ah, here he comes now.
Jane stands upright and turns to see Dr. Mike and Quinn walking towards them. Daria stands up.
Daria: I demand to know where I am.
Dr. Mike: Sheriff, you are deep within Sick Sad Forest and you are a guest at dinner. You have been treated fairly and with the utmost politeness. (Beat. Turning to Jane.) We didn’t have any problems coming in, did we?
Jane: Just a minor tree root that we tripped over together. I caught her as she fell.
Dr. Mike: (Turning back to Daria.) I am sorry about that. You’re not hurt, are you?
Daria: (She pauses for a second.) No, I am fine. Your assistant is pretty soft. (Jane rubs her shoulder and her arm.) May I ask what I am doing here?
Dr. Mike: You are here because I feel my associates treated you unfairly a few days ago. It is not my policy to rob blindly from anyone who comes along. I feel that they must be giving at least a small chance to defend themselves. You were not given this chance. While I am unable to return the items that were taken from you, I had to do at least something. I do hope you will join us for dinner.
Quinn: (An aside to Jane.) They do look a lot alike, don’t they? (Jane looks in amazement at Quinn.)
Daria: And if I say no to this dinner?
Dr. Mike: Then you will sit at the table with your hands tied to the chair and watch us polish off the food as you go hungry. (Beat.) Like many of the peasants in this county.
Daria draws herself up and looks like she wants to argue the point of the peasants but decides against it. She slowly nods her head.
Daria: Dinner it is then, please. The idea of being tied up around you does not appeal to me.
Dr. Mike: You’re no fun.
Jane: (He stomach rumbles and everyone else pauses to look at her.) What? I’m hungry.
Daria: Maybe we better have that dinner before your assistant drops from lack of food.
Dr. Mike: Good, will you please follow me?
They all walk off together, Jane and Brittany bringing up the rear.
Ext. View: A roughly made table covered with food. Other tables are arranged in a circle surrounding a firepit. A pit slowly rotates over the fire turned by Ms. Barch. Lord Dr. Mike, Sheriff Daria, Jane Scarlet, Lady Quinn, and Little Brittany sit at the head table. Members of Dr. Mike’s band fill in the other seats. Dr. Mike uses his dagger and cuts a large portion of meat off of a roast in front of him placing it on a plate. He passes it over to Daria, sitting beside him. Daria pulls out her own dagger but notices something before she starts.
Daria: (Shocked.) This is my plate from my manor! (Looking around.) And the rest of these dishes are mine as well. (She shoves her chair back and she comes to her feet. She’s annoyed.) How dare you feed me food on plates that you have stolen from me!
The entire head table looks at the Sheriff, shrug as one and continue their eating. When she discovers that the matter will not be discussed, she sits down again and tears a chuck of meat out of the roast slab in front of her, chewing it angrily. A silver cup is passed by her, which she grabs. We can assume that it came from her manor also.
Ext. View: Another place in the forest. A number of horses are tethered here. Dr. Mike leads a blindfolded Daria into view. They stop and stand there facing each other.
Daria: (Looking around trying to figure out where Dr. Mike is.) You know you better remove this blindfold if you know what’s good for you.
Dr. Mike Do I have to? (He does so and steps back.)
Daria: You know I could probably kill you right now if I attacked. No one is near by to come to your aid.
Dr. Mike: Whatever happened to having a truce during feasts?
Daria: (She lays her hand on her sword.) I believe dinner is over.
Dr. Mike: So it is. Do you plan to kill me now?
Daria stands there thinking this over. Daria slowly removes the hand from her sword.
Daria: No, I guess not. (Beat.) You know we are both very much a like. I’m a character from a television show and you’re a fan. I’ve been made up by someone and you’re just unbelievable. It would be interesting to sit down and compare notes one day.
Dr. Mike: I would like that as well but under the current conditions, I do not see it happening.
Daria: (She sounds sad about this.) Nor do I. (She climbs onto her horse. Dr. Mike unties the reins and hands them to Daria.) In another time, I might even be able to call you brother. (She leans forward as if she is patting her horse but is really whispering in Dr. Mike’s ear.) You may want to tell that Scarlet chick I spotted her in the bushes as you took my blindfold off.
Dr. Mike: (Also whispering.) So did I. (Back in his normal voice.) Until we meet again, Sheriff Daria.
Daria: Likewise Mike. (Beat and then with a smirk.) Dr. Mike.
Daria sits upright in the saddle but stops. With a sudden quickness, she reaches down and gives Dr. Mike a peck on the cheek. With a look and a nod, Daria turns her horse and they go off. Dr. Mike stands there and watches for a moment. He sighs, turns and walks directly to a certain bush. He smirks, and we hear a zipper being pulled.
Jane: Try it and you’re dead, Dr. Mike.
Dr. Mike: You can come out now, Scarlet. You’re not fooling anyone.
Jane: (Rising from the bush, a branch and some leaves stuck in her hair.) I though maybe you needed some back up just in case she tried anything.
Dr. Mike shrugs as they walk back to camp.
Jane: (Egging him on.) But hey, I saw that kiss she gave you. What was that for? Why didn’t you return it? Why didn’t you try to feel her up like you did to me in the first chapter? When’s the wedding?
Dr. Mike: I hate you, Scarlet.
Jane: (She throws an arm around him..) Looks like you’re finally getting the part right.
Act #Whatever Minus 1 🙂
Int. View: Princess’ Li castle. Sheriff Daria, her face now a lighter shade of green, is walking through the castle with the three J’s as guards behind her. She’s humming away lightly which is making the 3 J’s confused. Knight Kevin is seated in a chair while Squire Fozzie struggles to get his armor off of him. The Sheriff turns and enters the Great Hall. She comes to stop in front of a stone statue of herself standing in the middle of the hall. Well, at first glance, it looks like her. But as we look at it, we notice that the hair is split on the wrong side of the head, the glasses are off slightly and it has an exaggerated bust line, which she scowls at. She makes a circle around it one last time and turns back to the guards.
Daria: It doesn’t look a think like me. (She points to the bust.) And what the Hell are those?
Joey: I believe they are called breasts, my lady.
Daria: I know that they are breasts. But what are they doing on a statue of me?
Jeffy: (He shrugs.) Maybe it’s a statue of Cynic Hood. I mean you two do look a like.
Daria: Cynic Hood? We don’t look anything alike. (She gives them the look.) Remember that, we don’t look anything alike. Got that? (Beat.) And what would he be doing with breasts anyway? (Beat. She closes her eyes.) I can’t believe I just said that.
Jamie: Um, sure Sheriff.
The doors open again and Princess Li walks into the chamber. The guards bow deeply while Daria simply nods her head.
Li: I see you have seen the new statue of you I had commissioned.
Daria: Yes, sire. I am still at a loss as to why we needed it. I am but a lowly sheriff after all.
Li: Nonsense. The work that you do brings honor to LAWNdale County.
Daria: If you say so, Princess.
Li: So Sheriff, how does the tax collection go?
Daria: Sire, it does not go well. It appears that the peasants have gotten it into their heads that they can withhold their tax money from us. Plus the ones that have actually paid their taxes have been pulling their money out of thin air.
Li: (Thinking this over.) How do you think they are able to get their money?
Daria: I am beginning to think that this Cynic Hood is supplying them with the gold crowns that they need. He has successfully raided a number of caravans and travelers as they make their way through Sick Sad Forest.
Li sighs and walks over to her table. She sits down in the throne behind it and thinks for a few seconds. The door bursts open and in stomps a very mad Miss Piggie followed by a few of her guards.
Miss Piggie: Princess Li? Do you know what happened to me today? I was robbed in the woods by a band of outlaws. They said they were lead by someone called Dr. Mike. How dare you invite me to visit when you know these hooligans are out there waiting for me? (She’s done her mad bit now and is working on her tragic. She throws herself backwards against Li.) I worried for my safety. They were hundreds of them and I only had my few guards. I was desperate.
Li: (Getting mad.) You know I’m getting sick of hearing that name. I take it you have been unable to capture him, Sheriff Daria. Even after that incident at the feast?
Daria: No, sire. He escaped capture then and also from my patrols in the forest. We have also been unable to capture any of his troops.
Li: What is your excuse this time, Sheriff?
Daria: I don’t have one, sire. Every time we’ve met, he has been able to over power my guards and get away.
Li sits there and steams for a few seconds. Her gaze passes along the three J’s and takes in their bruised faces.
Li: Since it seems that you and your men are unable to capture him, maybe we should use some outside help.
Daria: As much as it pains me, I have to agree with you.
Miss Piggie: Me three.
Li removes an empty parchment from a pile, dips a quill in an ink bottle and begins to write.
Li: My contacts in the Royal court have informed me of a very good troubleshooter. I think someone of his caliber is what we need for this problem.
She finishes writing the note, rolls it up, and seals it with wax. She hands the note to Joey.
Li: See to it that that note leaves immediately on the fastest horse with the swiftest rider we have. It must get to the Royal Court as soon as possible.
The three J’s bow as one and leave the room quickly.
Li: Now then. It will take a little while for that troubleshooter to show up. (She stands up and leans towards Daria.) I strongly suggest you and your men get out there into the forest and do your best to capture that outlaw. Maybe you can change the way I feel about you.
Daria: Yes, sire.
Li and Miss Piggie sit down to relax as Daria storms out of the hall.
Ext. View: The hallway of the castle. Daria slams the door as she looks around for something else to do damage upon. See then spies Kevin and Fozzie. Fozzie is still struggling to get Kevin’s armor off of him. She stomps up to them.
Daria: (She points at Fozzie.) You! My chambers this evening! Seven o’clock! (She turns her gaze to Kevin. She makes a sick face before pointing at him as well. Her voice takes on a disgusted tone.) You! Seven thirty! (Beat.) Bring a friend.
She stomps off while Fozzie and Kevin look at each other trying to figure out what just happened.
Daria: (Stomping off.) That line doesn’t work for me! Where’s Lynn when I need her?
Back to Reality…
We’re looking into a nice looking four door as it drives along an interstate somewhere in the United States. Real life Jane sits in the front passenger side while the real life Daria sits in the middle of the back seat. Our famous Roger E. Moore drives the car. Ain’t he lucky? 🙂
Daria: (A bit of warning in her voice.) Jane.
Jane: (She excited.) But you were great in The Man With the Golden Gun. The way you followed Scaramanga through his maze and the way you trapped Tattoo in the steamer trunk. And Live and Let Die was cool too with the voodoo and the Caribbean culture. And I loved when you were in Cannonball Run; you actually used the same car that was used in Goldfinger. Now that was cool.
Roger E. Moore: (Trying his hardest not to get upset.) That was Roger Moore, the British actor. I’m Roger E. Moore, the schoolteacher and former Dungeons and Dragons employee. Also not to be confused with Roger Moore, the weapons inspector currently in Iraq.
Roger E. Moore: (Relief in his face now.) Yes.
Daria: We’ve been telling you for over 200 miles, Jane.
Jane: (She’s heartbroken.) Oh. (But who cares.) And when you were in Moonraker when you got Jaws to turn to the side of good. And how about Casino Royale? I can’t believe Woody Allen would play in a James Bond movie.
Roger E. Moore: That’s because it was a parody and David Niven played Bond in that one, not Roger Moore.
Jane: David Niven, the science fiction author?
Roger E. Moore: No, that’s Larry Niven. David Niven was a British classically trained actor.
Jane: Oh. So you weren’t in that one?
Roger E. Moore: No, I wasn’t.
Jane: (We’re now outside the car watching it drive away along the interstate as we hear the next lines. Jane’s still excited.) A View to a Kill, now that was great when you had to jump out of the balloon over the Golden Gate and right afterwards it blows up.
Roger E. Moore: ARGH!!
Jane: I loved the theme song. (Beat.) What ever happened to Duran Duran anyway?
Daria: (We can hear the smirk in her voice.) Don’t forget his work in The Saint.
Roger E. Moore: (Louder.) ARGH!!
Next Time on Cynic Hood, the DVD Version – Part #4:
Matt dressed as Mr. T walking through a parking garage.
Squire Fozzie walks across an office and approaches a pig sitting behind a desk. They’re both dressed in police uniforms.
Daria riding a horse through the forest. We’re seeing her from the side view. She talks continuously as she rides along. The time and “Lawndale Forest” appear in the bottom right in white text.
Daria and Jane sitting in Daria’s room at the computer typing away.
The Pigs in Space Muppet crew running around the bridge of their spaceship in terror.
We’re in front of a very worn, old wooden hut. A beat up wooden cart sitting on cinder blocks sits in the back while chickens, cats and dogs run across the yard. A slim, young female with her face blurred out standing outside in front of the hut. She wears an old white low cut tank top cut to show off her stomach. She also wears tight worn blue jeans but nothing on her feet. She holds a bottle of something as she stands there yelling at Sheriff Daria and the 3 J’s while making lots of motions with her arms. Daria’s eyebrows go up as we can tell every other word is getting bleeped out. She finally pulls out her billyclub as we fade out to black.
Huh? What? Sorry, no notes. Remember, this is all a dream…
My website is the Daria – Jane Conspiracy. Feel free to pay us a visit today.