Daria Fanfiction - Top Ten Number 4

Daria and Jane walk down a hallway at Lawndale High.

Daria: You've got to be kidding me.

Jane: It'll be fun.

Daria: I don't do fun, Jane. You know that.

Jane: Twenty bucks.

Daria: (A pause.) Fifty.

Jane: Thirty and I won't bug you about Trent for a week.

Daria: An entire week?

Jane: Even though it'll break my heart.

Daria: Deal.

They shake hands.

The scene changes to show a nearly full hallway. People turn and look at something odd passing down the middle of the passageway. Students part to finally show us Daria made up as the Hunchback of Notre Dame. She's bent over with a hump on her back. As she walks, she trails a leg behind her.

Daria: (In a deep voice as she continues down the hallway.) Brains... Brains...

Daria: (She pauses near the fashion club standing in the hallway arguing about something. She looks at them for a moment before continuing.) Brains... Brains...

Daria: (This time she pauses near Kevin and Brittany who are making out against the lockers. She looks at them for a moment before continuing on again.) Get a room... Get a room...

We watch Daria and Jane walking down the hallway of Lawndale High once again.

Jane: I don't think I can do it, Daria.

Daria: Jane, I wore the Hunchback of Notre Dame for a day. I think you should enjoy the same experience.

Jane: But I would make a terrible Hunchback. I can't do the hunching part.

Daria: (She arrives at her locker and starts unlocking it.) Oh, don't worry, Jane. I have something much better for you. (She opens her locker, pulls out a bag and opens it in front of Jane.)

Jane: (Looking into the bag, a small smirk appears on her face.) You're a sick, sick woman, Morgendorffer.

We change back into a fall hallway at Lawndale High School. People turn and look at something odd passing down the middle of the passageway. Students part and we see Jane dressed up as a younger version of Ms. Li. She's doing a pretty good imertation of the principle.

Jane: Now students, I don't want to see any fun in the hallways of LAWN-dale High. You're here to learn as much as you can from these examples of what you're going to be in twenty years....(She continues down the hallway)

We begin with Daria walking down the sidewalk. She's got her backpack thrown over a shoulder. It's early in the morning as we see the sun slowly sliding up behind her into the sky.

Daria: (Complete deadpan.) Oh me, oh my. It's time for another coffee skit written by Dr. Mike. How original. What will he think of next? I know. How about a story having to do about soffee in some way? I wouldn't see that one coming from a mile away. (She smirks slightly) Anything to keep him away from the adult story line he's trying to write.

She pauses in front of the Lane house looking around. She notices a beat up wreck sitting on blocks sitting in the driveway, a pair of familiar boots sticking out from underneath. Daria walks over as the engine revs a few times. She stops and looks down at the boots.

Daria: I knew it would be only a matter of time before Jane Lane would star in her own version of Blood on the Asphalt.

Jane: (From underneath the car) Very funny, Morgendorffer. Now be quiet and hand me that screwdriver.

Daria: (Handing her the tool.) What are you doing under there? We have to go visit Lawndale Prison this morning.

Jane: I thought we had school this morning.

Daria: Same thing.

Jane: (Rolling out from underneath the car.) Well, let me just get my morning coffee and we can go. (She reaches into the car, starts it up, and leans on the gas a bit.)

Daria: I thought you had to get your coffee?

Jane: I did. (She picks up a mug and walks to the back near the tailpipe. We see that this vehicle has a pair of them sticking out of the back, one with a nozzle on it. The nozzle begins to smoke a bit as Jane leans down, opens up the nozzle and pours herself a cup of black brew. She takes a long drink of the mixture, refills her mug, turns off the car, and turns to face Daria's disgusted look.) You shouldn't have told me that my coffee tasted like motor oil. Never give an artist an idea like that.

Daria: Um, Jane. Did you hit your head last night?

Jane: At six thousand RPMs, it's heaven's brew. Ready for school?

They walk off towards school...

(Why Helen finally went on that shooting spree at work.)

We begin with Helen walking through her office holding a folder of papers. She smiles and nods at the other attorneys she passes by. She continues through the office until reaching a certain door. She pauses, takes a deep breath, plasters a smile on her face, and walks through.

Richard Laimer, the Copier Guy: It's Helen, making some copies. Helen's a-doin' her jobin'.

Helen: (Forcing the smile even more.) Hello, Richard. How are you today?

Richard Laimer: It's the Helenator asking the Laimer how's he doing. It's a-Helen, she's a-carin'.

Helen: Are you going to the meeting today, Richard?

Richard Laimer: It's a-Helen. She's a-goin'. The Helenator. Helen's ready for the meeting. Helen's ready for some brown nosin'.

By now, Helen's rolling her eyes and doing her best not to look at Richard Laimer.

Richard Laimer: Helen's a ready. Helen Ready. I am strong, Helen. For I am woman, Helen.

Helen: (Doing her best to be polite.) Did you see that special on 20/20 last night?

Richard Laimer: It's strong enough for a man but made for a woman.

Jane walks into the office eating an apple and stops by Richard's desk.

Helen: Jane, this is Richard Laimer. Richard, this is Jane Lane. Gottorun.Byenow. (She runs for the door.)

Richard Laimer: It's Jane Lane, the fire lane. She's a eating an apple. Gonna keep the doctor away.

Jane: (She pauses for a moment to give the camera a look.) Like I haven't heard that one thousands of times before.

We fade out...

(Another day at the office.)

We begin with a typical office cubical, maybe a little nicer than normal. A Larry Elmore calender is pinned on the wall, a lit sign that reads "Dragon Magazine" hangs crooked on another wall, there's a book case filled with books against another wall, papers, folders, and more books fill the desk and a coffee pot and microwave sit shoved into the corner. A small sign sits on the edge of the desk that reads "I wish I had a Name Plate." A young man sits behind the desk reading a poorly typed manuscript.

Roger E. Moore: A nuclear submarine is a fantasy setting? Please! (He pauses to look at the cover.) Dr. Mike, huh? Probably got his doctorate out of a Fruit Loop box.

He turns to throw the manuscript into an already overflowing trashcan when an older gentleman rushes into the cubicle, brandishing another manuscript.

Gary Gygax: Roger, you wouldn't believe the great idea that I just received in the mail!

Roger: Gary, I've already told you. We're not doing a "Sex and D&D" cartoon in the back of the magazine. That was just Phil's joke in one episode that's now gotten overblown. Please. No more.

Gary: No, not that. It's a cartoon about these two high school aged girls who get sucked into the D&D universe and one's a cynic. Well, they both are but one's a bigger cynic than the other. Anyway, they keep meeting up with NPCs who look like their classmates from school and they have to figure out how to get home and they go on adventures and, and...

He finally shoves the manuscript into Roger's face. He takes it like it's a dead fish, skims it real quickly, and drops it on the desk in front of him.

Roger: Gary, have you been sniffing the dice crayons again?

Gary: We'll dress one of them up in green all the time and the other in red and black so that it'll give her a hint of being evil to the reader but she'll actually be just wanting to chase boys all the time. We're make them both smart so they'll think all the magic is technology but it isn't but they'll keep thinking it is. And we'll have a group of princesses who think of nothing but the clothes they're wearing. And there'll be a lowly squire who wears nothing but the heaviest armor all the time even when he doesn't need it. And....

We fade out...

(Next on FOX)

Narrator: (We see a couple quick scenes of the shows in question.) From FOX, the people who brought you When Animals Attack Pretty Young Things in Bikini's Parts 1 and 2 and High Speed Police Chases That We Show Over and Over Again Parts 4, 5, and 6....

Narrator: (We show Daria, Jane, the Fashion Club, Andrea, Jodie and [Just to be really demented] Ms. Li standing in various positions also on some sort of class photo shoot scene. They're dressed in fairly elegant dresses, Daria's is fairly plain while the Fashion Club's are more elegant.) This season's hottest new show. Watch these nine beautiful girls...

Narrator: (Overhead shots of a very high end mansion complete with tennis courts, pools and the like.) ...spend the summer at this multi million dollar estate...

Narrator: (The front gates close with a bang. Hands reach out and snap a padlock shut.) ...locked away from the outside world...

Narrator: (A distance shot of the entire group dressed normally gathered in a bit of a line outside somewhere. They look around a bit nervously) ...alone...

Narrator: (We're inside the mansion with Jane pointing up at one of the cameras while Daria says something.) ...under constant watch...

Narrator: (Inside the control booth packed with techs.) ...24/7...

Narrator: (The entire cast sitting around a table in an office. A suit explains something to them, they all shrug and begin signing the paperwork in front of them.) ...under a contract of celibacy.

Narrator: (Upchuck sits on a stool in front of white and purple draped backing. Something classy. He's wearing something smooth and modern.) Can this man make them break that vow?...

We are then treated to a collage of scenes. Daria and Jane watching television with Upchuck hovering nearby, the Fashion Club walking past him by the pool, Andrea listening to something he says and then shoving him into the pool, and the entire cast walking into the dining room with Upchuck naked across the table. (Yes, it's digitalized out.)

Narrator: (We show a glass case sitting on a table slowly rotating.) ...so he can win the one million dollar prize?

Narrator: (We fade to the logo.) ...This Spring on FOX. The Harem. Only on FOX.

Daria and Jane sit on the floor in Jane's room. A board sits between them.

Daria: You've got to be kidding me.

Jane: It'll be fun.

Daria: Didn't we already cover this a few paragraphs before? I could have sworn we did.

Jane: (Speaking in a mysterious sounding voice.) The board knows all.

Daria: Maybe it'll give us a few stock tips then. Either that or tell us who's going to win the next president election.

Jane: Just try it.

Daria: (She sighs.) Oh, why not. It's not like we have anything better to do.

Jane and Daria lean forward and we get a look at the ouija board sitting in between them. They reach out together for the...

Daria: What's the pointer thingie called?

Jane: It's called a planchette.

Daria: And how do we know this?

Jane: With my family? Someone had to be into the mystic arts somewhere in my family line. (Beat.) Actually I looked it up on the internet but it sounds way cooler to say mystic arts. Why don't you go first, Daria?

Daria: Um, sure. (She closes her eyes and the planchette begins to move.) Oh, mystical spirits. Is this as lame as I think it is?

Jane: Daria, I can feel you moving it towards the 'yes'.

Daria: No, I'm not. It's the mystical spirits. Why don't you ask the board a question, Lane?

Jane: (Smirking.) I thought you would never ask.

Daria: (Her face falls.) You wouldn't.

Jane: Oh, mystical spirits. Who's the soul mate for Daria?

Daria: Jane, I can feel you pushing the planchette towards the 'T'.

Jane: I'm not.

Daria: I can see you bending the board, Lane, since you're pressing it so hard.

Jane: Oh, all right. Ask another question.

Daria: You're just going to cheat again.

Jane: I will not. Just ask it something.

Daria: (Smirking slightly.) Oh, mystical spirits. Who's the soul mate for Jane?

Jane: You know. You're not funny.

Daria: (Slight shock.) Wait, it's moving...

We get a shot from over their heads looking down onto the board as the planchette moves across the board. It starts on the letter 'K', moves over to the letter 'E', quickly followed by the letter 'V', travels over to the 'I', and finally stops on the 'N'. Jane and Daria sit there for a moment until finally looking up at one another.

Jane: We shall never speak of this again.

Daria: I could never let you live this down.

Jane: Truce?

Daria: Deal.

They pretty much run out of the room.

We follow Quinn and Daria down the stairs in their house. They're side by side as they continue on into the kitchen where Helen and Jake eat breakfast.

Quinn: God, Daria. For someone who is so unfashionable, I can't believe how long you take in the bathroom. It's not like you have to put on makeup or anything.

Helen: Good morning, girls. Did you have a good night sleep?

Jake: (He's reading the paper.) Hmm, sleep.

Quinn: It was horrible. Daria spent the entire evening snoring. I couldn't get any beauty sleep. How am I suppose to look my best when I can't get the nine hours of sleep that I need?

Jake: Hmm, need.

Daria: Well, maybe I was getting you back for all the constant yapping I have to listen to about fashion. Anyway how am I suppose to get any sleep when you want to use all that hair spray before you go to sleep?

Helen: You know, girls, this arrangement is only temporary. You only have to get along for a little bit longer.

Daria: Unless they lost it.

Jake: Hmm, lost it.

Quinn: Lost it? Don't say that! Don't even think it.

Helen: (Looking out the window.) That's nice, girls. Here comes Jane. Have a nice day at school.

Quinn: Give me the toast.

Daria: No, I need it more then you do.

Quinn: Fine, be that way. First no sleep and now no breakfast. You know this will just make me cranky all day.

Daria: More then you are now?

Jake: Hmm, day.

Quinn: Let's just go to school and get another day over.

We again follow Daria and Quinn out into the living room. Daria opens the front door just as Jane lifts a hand to knock.

Jane: (Smirking.) Morning, oh terrible two-some.

Daria: Jane, look carefully. Have I grown another head?

Jane: (Looking closely.) Hmm, no. Just the two.

Quinn: Eew! Daria, the doctor said that this would only be temporary. (We finally pull back to show Quinn's head attached to Daria's shoulder.) They just have to find me a new body to put my head on.

Daria: A fashionable body.

Jane: That might take weeks.

Daria: Or months.

Quinn: Eew! I don't think I could wait that long. I knew I should have had them attach my head to Tiffany's body. At least she doesn't think.

They begin to walk off.

Jane: Pizza tonight?

Daria: Of course. Quinn's buying. I know where she hides her cash now.

Quinn: You wouldn't.

Daria: With your money? Of course I would.

Quinn: No, I mean eat that pizza with all that grease. It's my complexion you know. Plus I was saving that for a new sweater.

Daria: Hey, it's my body and I'll do whatever I want to with it. You're just renting space on it.

Quinn: You two think this is so funny. Well, I don't. They threw me out of the Fashion Club, I can't get a date, no one thinks I'm popular anymore...

Daria: ...and now they're calling you the brainy one now.

Quinn: ARGH!

And we fade out...

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