Daria Fanfiction - Top Ten Number 5

This one contains a few words that I probably shouldn't have used but *shrug*.

We begin with Jane and Daria driving down the road in Trent's old car. They're dressed in cheap, black suites with white shirts and dark sunglasses. Jane's driving rather slowly with one hand while waving around her free hand.

Daria: That did it, man -- I'm fuckin' goin', that's all there is to it.

Jane: You'll dig it the most. But you know what the funniest thing about Europe is?

Daria: What?

Jane: It's the little differences. A lotta the same shit we got here, they got there, but there they're a little different.

Daria: Examples?

Jane: Well, in Amsterdam, you can buy beer in a movie theatre. And I don't mean in a paper cup either. They give you a glass of beer, like in a bar. In Paris, you can buy beer at McDonald's. Also, you know what they call a pizza without cheese?

Daria: They don't call it a pizza without cheese?

Jane: No, they got the metric system there, they wouldn't know what the fuck a pizza without cheese is.

Daria: What'd they call it?

Jane: Cheeseless pizza.

Daria: (Repeating) Cheeseless pizza. What'd they call a pizza with everything?

Jane: A pizza with everything's a pizza with everything, but they call it La pizza avec tout.

Daria: What do they call a Calzone?

Jane: I dunno, I didn't go into an Italian restaurant. But you know what they eat with lasagna in Holland instead of garlic bread?

Daria: What?

Jane: Bacon.

Daria: Goddamn!

Jane: I seen 'em do it. And I don't mean a little bit on the side of the plate, they fuckin' pile it on there.

Daria: Uuccch!

(Apologies to Steven Galloway)

The entire Morgendorffer sit around the kitchen table. Helen and Jake hold hands while looking worried while Daria and Quinn look on in annoyance. Jake's newspaper sits on the counter still in its bag while Helen's phone also sits on the counter, its batteries beside it.

Helen: There is a really important matter your father and I have to tell you and Quinn.

Daria: It must be. The famed newspaper hasn't been taken out of it's famed plastic bag, and you're not talking on your famed cell phone.

Helen: (Ignores Daria's remark.) Girls, your father and I have to tell you a secret, a family secret that (Pauses.) we've kept from you for almost twenty years. You see--

Quinn: (Suddenly jumps up & points to Daria.) I knew it! Daria's adopted! You found her real parents! I couldn't possibly be related to her!

Daria: (Looks directly up at Quinn, sarcastic.) Actually Quinn, I came up with a similar conclusion. (Looks at Helen and Jake, smirks.) Now, tell me who my real parents are, and I can leave you all to go back to them, and away from all of this nonsense that I call a family.

Helen: (Becoming angry.) Girls...

Jake: (Jumps up.) Daria's adopted?! Oh, no! Helen, I thought that this was about how they were really twins but the doctor dropped Quinn on her head at birth and she was in the coma for six months and we had to hold her back in school early on!

The stunned silence, needless to say, spoke volumes.

We begin on a narrow white walkway. We see from knee down the legs of a young woman wearing heavy black boats. She taps her boot to a strong disco beat.

Voice: Black paramilitary boots, Eighty-eight dollars.

Voice: (We pull back some more to show a above the knee length, black skirt. In the background, we see some lights flashing against the walkway.) Black shirt, twenty-two dollars.

Voice: (We pull back the entire way to see a grown up version of Quinn standing at the end of the walkway striking a pose for the attendees of a fashion show. She's dressed in a near perfect copy of Daria's normal wear. She turns with a snap and walks to the back of the stage as another model takes her place. All the models wear something similar to Quinn.) Being the center of attention at this year's New York fashion shows, priceless.

Voice: For everything else in the world, there's MasterCard.

(Stolen from Jane's Addition. Script copy stolen from Outpost Daria.)

We begin in the Zen. Mystik Spiral is on stage and Daria and Jane stand in the audience. Jane turns and notices Tom near the bar. They stare at each other until Daria finally notices Jane's not paying any attention to the music.

Daria: Hey. Hey!

Jane: Huh? Sorry. That guy keeps looking at me.

Daria: Yeah, I can see you're upset about that. I'm going to the bathroom. (She goes to the bathroom. She's got to get there now...)

Jane: Okay.

Tom: (Tom approaches once Daria leaves.) Hey.

Jane: Yo.

Tom: Good band.

Jane: Yeah. The singer's my brother.

Tom: Really? Are you a singer, too?

Jane: Oh, yeah -- listen to this. (Sings off-key) "Old Macdonald had a farm, EE-I-EE-I-OH."

Tom: That's really awful.

Jane: You're an honest one, eh? Actually, I'm an artist.

Tom: Wow, that's cool.

Jane: But I do like to sing in my spare time. (Sings off-key) "Old Macdonald had a farm, EE-I-EE-I..."

Tom: Mm, very nice. You like convertibles?

Jane: Sofas? (Ed: And you guys think I'm kidding when I write Jane like this in my stories.)

Tom: Cars.

Jane: Why, you got one?

Tom: Um... no, but the roof of my car is rusting through.

Jane: Almost the same thing.

Tom: I think the sad decay of it all might appeal to your artistic sensibility. Want to check it out, maybe get some food?

Jane: Food, then back here?

Tom: Sound all right?

Jane: Let me just tell my friend.

Daria returns.

Jane: Hey, Daria, this is, uh...

Tom: Tom.

Daria: Hi.

Tom: Hey.

Jane: His car's falling apart so we're going to go for a ride. I'll be right back.

Daria: Ok. (She gets this look on her face like she can't resist the chance to have some fun.) Oh, Jane. I forgot to tell you. The doctor called. You remember Ramon, that fella you met about a week ago? The doctor told me to tell you that Ramon went to the clinic today. They found out that he has, um, herpes simplex 10, and they think you should go check yourself out with your physician to make sure everything is fine before things start falling off of you. I'm going to get another soda. Anyone want anything?

Jane: (She's in shock.) Um, no.

Tom: No. Um, nice meeting both of you. (He runs for the hills.)

We're in Ms. Barch's class with the mazes and the rats and all that.

Ms. Barch Now then. Where are the fools with the mouse? Brittany, Charles. You're up.

Upchuck places the maze on the table and drops in the mouse. It just sits there.

Brittany: Hmm, maybe I ought to crank his tail, eh? That ought to start him.

(Apologies to whomever came up with the quote first)

Daria rested her head against the padded wall of her sleeping quarters and closed her eyes. The Leonov was quickly approaching the planet Jupiter after its long journey from Earth. She was one of three members the United States government had loaded, well, provided to the Russian government for their mission to the large planet. Nearly ten years ago, the previous U.S. space ship and its five member crew had been lost. Her job, and the job of the others on board, was to figure out what had happened. She smirked slightly yet again thinking how this had the makings of a bad science fiction - horror movie. She opened one eye as she watched objects floating in mid air slowly settle to the bedding underneath her and the roar of friction began. To slow down their ship enough to park it in orbit, they were going to skim the ship over the atmosphere of the planet.

The door to her cubicle slammed open and a very horrified, young cosmonaut stuck his head in, his reddish hair falling over his eyes. He gulped and looked at Daria with a pleading face. Daria once again noticed the near exact physical resemblance with someone from her past.

Daria rolled her eyes and mumbled an "Aw, nuts" before she made room for the terrified cosmonaut. He quickly climbed into the enclosed bunk and shut the door behind him. Daria's eyes widened as he wrapped his arms around her, shut his eyes tight, and started praying in Russian as quickly as he could.

Daria: (To herself.) There's an Upchuck in every universe...

(A response to an Iron Chief challenge posted by Brother Grimace on the PPMB.)

We're standing in the Lawndale High Hallway with a near shot of Quinn standing in front of the lockers. She looks like she's just been told something she doesn't like but she's doing her best to cover her feelings up.

Quinn: But Sandi. I wanted to go to this dance. It the most fashionable dance of the year!

Sandi: (We pull back to show Sandi standing in front of Quinn, hands on her hips. Stacy and Tiffany stand behind her.) Quinn, as Vice president of the Fashion Club, you know how bad it would look if you would show up to the annual Fashion Club dance without an attractive date on your arm. What kind of friend would I be if I let you if I didn't protect you from such embarrassment? You would be the laughing stock of the school.

Tiffany: Yeah. Quinn.

Quinn: San-di, it's not like my toes are falling off for real. That was something my sis..., um cousin made up to get back at me for something.

Sandi: Quinn, I have to insist. As President of the Fashion Club, I have to remind you that you are required to have a date lined up for any school function at least one week in advance. (Beat.) We'll expect you to do your penitence this weekend. Come ladies. We have to go to Cashmin's to pick up our dresses and make sure we don't purchase anything that clashes with each other.

Quinn sighed as the other members of the Fashion Club turned and walked off as a group. She still didn't know what she had done to Daria or her geeky friend that made them spread rumors about her around the school. Having the three J's coming running up to her with their arms filled with ACE bandages and wraps had caused a great deal of confusion and laughter in the school halls. When one of them had blurted out that they had heard that she was dropping body parts all around the school, her classmates had run for the hills along with the four guys that she was trying to decide between for the dance. She sighed again as she turned back to her locker and opened it to retrieve her books for the first period class.

Quinn paused as she heard a sharp yell and some metal banging further up the hallway. She turned to watched Andrea, that Goth girl in Daria's class, slam the lid down on a metal trashcan, tilt it on it's side, and send it down the hallway with a swift, hard kick. Students dodged the speeding obstacle as it slowed to a halt at Quinn's feet, a low moan heard from within. Quinn looked on as the lid popped off and a male with red - orange hair fell out of the now banged up can.

Charles held his head with one hand as he tried keep his head from spinning and get his eyes to focus again. He hadn't meant to get such a reaction out of Andrea. All he had done was try out one of those guaranteed pick up lines that he had read in Maxim. He looked up to see five Quinn Morgendorffers staring down at him slowly spinning around in a circle. He knew that that wasn't right as he blinked his eyes a couple more times and shook his head slightly in an attempt to clear it. It made things worse as he closed his eyes, leaned his head against the cold school floor and tried to keep down breakfast and lunch. He was surprised that Quinn hadn't started beating on him or used that sharp wit of hers against him. He knew that Quinn, deep down past her popular outer shell, was lonely at heart. Tons of dates and shallow boyfriends did not equate to friendship.

Quinn reached down and grabbed hold of the school's self-declared Romeo. Some might have taken this as a sign of pity on the poor sap but she just wanted to get the creep off her boots. She had just gotten them and didn't want the new shoe shine to wear off just yet. With a tug and a grunt, she pulled Charles to her feet and guided him back against the lockers. He leaned there, head still held with his hands, and tilted for a bit. He finally stabilized himself after a moment and opened his eyes.

Their gazes met. Quinn looked at Charles and noticed the strong chin line, the cute dimples in his cheeks, and color of his eyes. He really wasn't that bad, just misunderstood and shy. He probably used his uncontrollable pick up lines to hide his insecurities with women. Maybe if she worked quickly enough....

The tuna surprise and bacon and egg sandwiches didn't taste as good coming up as they did going down. He knew he shouldn't have had seconds on both. He spewed like a firehose covering Quinn in the half-digested food from shoulder level down to her shoes. Quinn held out her hands and spat the gunk away from her mouth as the hallway became silent as everyone looked on. A small piece of chewed up material dripped from Quinn's elbow onto the floor. Quinn's face began to screw itself up and she began to slowly snap her hands in an attempt to dislodge the material. A chuckle begins from the bad and it slowly spreads.

Quinn: Eeewwwww!! Upchuck!

Jane: (Watching Quinn run by heading towards the showers.) I didn't think that it would have worked out this well. It was too easy to tell Upchuck to try out his new line on Andrea.

Daria: (Also watching.) When else have you known her not to react?

Jane shrugged as they walked off together.

We fade into a dark, fog filled street. After a moment, pairs of lights snap into being. They remain pointed at the reader, occasionally blinking off then on. A few seconds pass as we now have twenty to thirty pairs in view, all in a near straight line across the field of view. Jane Lane, dressed as normal but with a trenchcoat and fedora walks into view. We discover that the lights are only about two feet off the ground. Jane pauses, looks at the lights and then at the reader.

Jane: Remember. They're watching you.

Jane, with a smirk, walks off the set. We fade out.

Daria backed along the thin projection out over the vast chasm set inside Cloud City, her lit lightsaber held in front of her. She tried to control her growing fear with the few Jedi techniques that she had learned from Yoda, the Jedi master that she had trained under for only a short time. Her eyes flickered over the openings set in the wall. Where was he, she thought while tightening her grip on her weapon.

The black armored warrior jumped down to the walkway and activated his lightsaber. Daria gulped as her opponent advanced towards her. They attack at the same time, the lit blades of their lightsabers crackling at the impact. Back and forth the fight goes on, each looking for the other's weakness. The warrior, with a twitch of his wrist, slid his blade across the front of Daria's arm, slicing off her wrist. She fell to her knees, her undamaged arm protecting the remains of her other arm. Tears fell from her face from the pain as she looked up at the warrior, she silently wishing him to finish her off.

He paused for a moment looking down at her. He stepped back, released the catch on his lightsaber, and replaced it on his belt. Daria, tears still traveling down her face, looked at him in shock.

Warrior: There in no escape. Don't make me destroy you, Daria. You do not realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.

Daria: Join you? I'll never join you.

Warrior: If you know knew the power of the dark side. Obi-Lane never told you what happened to your father.

Daria: He told me enough! He told me you killed him.

Warrior: No, Daria. I did not kill your father. (He reaches up and removes the front of his mask.) I am your father.

Daria's face falls as she looks upon Jake's scared face. She turns away in disgust. Her gaze falls to the deep chasm below her.

Daria: No. No. That's not true. That's impossible.

Jake: Damn it, Daria. There's no where left to turn. Give in to the dark side. You can destroy Ms. Li. She has foreseen this. It is your destiny. Join me and we can rule the universe as father and daughter. I can finally be better than my old man.

Daria turns to face Jake and steps off into nothingness. We hear her scream all the way down the bottomless pit. Jake looks over the side.

Jake: Damn it, Daria. Helen's going to yell at me now.

Name the movies! Bonus points for getting the episodes as well. I'll give you a hint on Number Two, it's from a webcomic.

Nine, ten. You get the idea. I can't count.

My website is the Daria - Jane Conspiracy. Feel free to pay us a visit today.