Another tidbit….

Daria from MTV

Daria from MTV

A short piece I wrote when I was thinking about doing a Daria – Dragonlance crossover

A short piece I wrote when I was thinking about doing a Daria – Dragonlance crossover

The parties continued into the night. The warriors ignored how the
peasants hadn’t lifted a finger to help, refused them all the permits
that they needed, tripled the taxi fare rates within the city, and
shorted their linen exchange. The battle was over. They were
victorious. Any excuse for a party. And a chance to lift as many purses
as possible from the hung over crowds. Greyhound was expensive and the
remaining warriors wanted to leave first thing in the morning. They had
already heard about the upcoming “Winning the War” tax that was going
into effect in the morning.

The frail figure nearly tripped over the broken walkway. She rubbed
her foot as she considered blasting the block into the 572nd layer of
Hell but decided that it wasn’t worth it. She had already blasted three
rocks there just this week. The rocks never learned. She drew in her
robes tighter around her as she resumed her travel towards the Tower.

Daria the Cynic kept one eye on the broken stones and another on the
closed and run down shops that lined the street. It had to be because
of the Tower. Daria knew that having Magi as neighbors was usually seen
as a good thing by the community. Increase in property values. Better
schools. Free lunch meat giveaways whenever an experiment went wrong.
Towns used to fight over where the next Tower was to be built.

“No more,” Daria mumbled as she lifted her head to look at her
destination, the Tower of Cynicism. Years ago, there had been more of
them. Some said a total of five had been constructed. Some said eleven.
There were only three left now that she knew of. She had taken her test
and been officially recognized as a Magi at the Trump Tower over in
Jersey. There was also the London Tower. Most of the “old guard”
resided at that one. Every couple of years, they had to tear it down
and move it to a new location. The official excuse was to insure the
protection of the last few remaining wizards and their work. What was
probably more likely was one of the old gizers knocked up the daughter
of a local official or they had tried to cash too many worthless checks
and they had been run out of town.

Daria paused again as a shiver passed through her. She wrapped her
black velvet cloak even tighter around her as she stood a distance from
the gate. Lows in the sixties my ass she thought with a curse as the
back of her hand brushed against the religious symbol of her alignment
hanging from around her neck. The dead smiley face with a bullet hole
in the forehead never stopped making people pull back in horror and
disgust. It also marked herself as a worshipper of her god, Nixon, and
the lesser god, Checkers. Her mind drifted back to when she was first
growing up and how she had followed the ways of the more neutral god,
Whatever, and the goddess, Whenever. She had then worn the rainbow
colored robes with the peace sign around her neck. The symbol had hung
heavily as no matter what she did, she never felt comfortable with that
alignment. The local high Priest by the name of Trent had taken the
words of their holy book to heart and held services where ever and
whenever he felt like it. A small smirk appeared on her face when she
had one day sneaked into the priest’s chambers and found all four men
fast asleep draped across the furniture when they should have been
attending service. They never understood where all the bowls of warm
water had come from.

Daria approached the gate. This tower had remained empty for
centuries. They had closed it down after the local fast food places had
gone out of business. The wizards, without a ready source of
nourishment, had packed up in disgust. On the day they had left, the
local townspeople had gathered drooling over their good fortune as they
had already presold the tower to a developer who planned on turning it
into a Jack in the Tower. The head wizard of the tower had just locked
the front door, left the empty milk bottles on the stoop, and left a
note for the newspaper delivery boy, when one of the wizards, not
getting his way, had thrown himself out of out of the upmost windows
and impaled himself on the fence, cursing the local townspeople as he
died. Her gaze fell upon the remains of the wizard’s black fabric
impaled on the fence near by. She pulled at it, tearing it away from
the fence. For a moment, she could almost hear the cursed wizard’s
voice on the wind. “I’m George W. and I approved this curse…..”

The motion at the gate awoke the guardians of the tower, Daria
noticed. In a moment, a ghost like creature drifted through the gate.
Daria noted that it was nearly naked and, um, happy to see her in its
own strange way. She tried to focus on the spirit’s face and the
tattered football uniform that hung around it’s body.

“I’m Tommy Sherman. It’s 3 AM. Who disturbs me at this late hour?”

“Daria the Cynic. I have come to claim what is mine. I have come to claim the tower.”

“You?” The creature snickered and took a long, hard look at Daria.
“I don’t think you have the…” It paused and it’s eyes flicked down to
Daria chest for a few moments. It smirked. “…endowment.”

Daria’s eyes glared at the creature. She knew that this was going to
come up at some time. When a wizard passes his or her test, they are
cursed in some form as a reminder not to give into their newly found
power. Some are left with a constant cough, some gain a limp, some have
their hair turn white overnight, and some become PPMB moderators. She
had cursed herself hundreds and hundreds of times since that day for
the smart ass remark she had given to the standard question about how
important her magic was to her. She never dreamed that they would
actually make her give up her right tit for her magic. Or her left one.
Her gaze flickered down along the creature’s body. Well, Jane would be
impressed. Too bad she had gone off with the rest of the group.

“What shape my body is in makes no difference to the power I
control. Unlock this gate or I shall have to use my magic to make you
do so.”

The creature took one look at Daria and began to spin around in
circles, crackling at the top of it’s lungs. “You?!?!? Just because you
beat back the forces of Evil? Just because you found the magical
device? I hear what they’re calling you and your mighty band. The
Heroes of the Pooper Scooper.”

Daria frowned as the spirit started doing cartwheels in the air
while yelling out “Pooper Scooper” over and over again. It wasn’t her
fault that the gods were idiots and created such silly magic items. Her
group had left Lawndale in search of the famed musical experience,
Alternapalooza. They had found the famed city, snuck in, and found the
Mysterious Book of Yellow. Daria had been the one who read the
thousands of pages and found what they were looking for. The location
of the Good Time Chinese Restaurant. Daria sighed and reached into a
small bag at her waist. She knew how to end this.

“Azarath… Metrion… ZINTHOS!” The creature pulled back in horror as
an object appeared in Daria’s hand. “Yes, it’s a Care Bear. Keep it up
and I’ll create some My Little Ponies!”

“No, Mistress. Anything but that….”

“Now, are you going to open this gate or…” Daria wiggled the doll.

“Yes, Mistress. What ever you say, Mistress.”

The spirit, bowing and scrapping all the time, opened the metal
gate. It’s high pitched noise brought the other spirits out of the
woodwork. Their hungry eyes traveled over Daria’s body. She let loose
the garments hugging her body. The spirits went off in disappointment.
Well, at least they won’t be bothering me any more she thought.

She paused and turned slightly back towards the gate. He had doubted
her. It wouldn’t be good to knock off a spirit so soon. But maybe give
an example to the others.

“nif’fum duts a si ekimrD!” A yellow ball of energy shot from her
out stretched arm and slammed into the spirit. Yellow? It was never
yellow. Daria’s eyebrows came down in annoyance.

“Oh, I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts. There they are all
standing in a row. Big ones, small ones … ” The spirit went off into
the night singing. Daria’s frown deepened. That was suppose to be an
Angst spell. Last time she bought a spell on eSpell she decided as she
shook her head and entered her new home.

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