Jane Lane from Daria takes the dreaded Kobayashi Maru test from Star Trek.
Jane smirked as she pressed the button on the chair’s arm. She had dreamed about this for months. She cleared her throat and tried to put on an air of professionalism.
“Captain’s log. Stardate sixty nine seventy three. Grand Fleet Admiral Jane Lane recording.” She could hear the chuckling beginning. “The U.S.S. Liberty is currently making its assigned observation of pulsars near the Neutral Zone. And I’ve got to tell you that it just bores me to death.” The chuckling got a little louder. “Anyway, we caught Ensigns Ruttheimer and Rowe making out in one of the broom closets again. I’m amazed that they can’t keep their hands off one another. I guess we’re going to have to get Ship’s Doctor McCoy to prescribe something to them. I’m also about ready to shoot the cook. He has this thing about programming the food dispensers with all these Klingon dishes. If I have to eat one more plate of Gagh, I think I’m going to shoot him out of the nearest airlock.” She noticed that Commander Sulu was beginning to shake with silent laughter. Oh, what the hell. “But I’ve got to tell you, Mr. Captain’s Log. I just love my time on the bridge. Just looking at the backs of Commander Sulu and Commander Chekov for eight hours every day. Day in and day out. I think Hikaru has a thing for me.” That got him started.
“Grand Fleet Admiral Lane, may I have a moment of your time?”
Jane turned in her chair to see a very annoyed Captain Spock. Well, he looked annoyed for him. It was hard to tell. The eyebrows were beginning to get closer to one another as they marched down his forehead.
“Why yes, Captain Spock. You’re looking well today. Nice and green. Tell me, have you had your ears done lately?”
“Cadet Lane, while I am happy for your self imposed promotion and I am sure that you will reach such great heights someday, I seriously doubt that the listeners of the ship’s logs would be interested in the information that you are currently recording.”
“But the captain’s log is supposed to record what happens on board the ship,” Jane mildly protested. “It’s not my fault Ensigns Ruttheimer and Rowe decided to swap spit instead of attending their astrophysics lecture.”
“I assure you, Cadet Lane, that the ensigns have been properly dealt with and will no longer…” Captain Spock looked uncomfortable for a moment. “…swap spit, as you so distinctly put it, instead of attending such an important class. There is no need for it to be recorded.”
“Ah, but Captain Spock…”
“Captain Lane…” Commander Uhura interrupted while trying not to smirk.
“Excuse me, Captain Spock.”
Spock nodded. “Of course.”
Jane turned in her seat. “What is it, Commander Uhura?”
Uhura pressed a hand to here ear as she trying to dial in a signal. “I’m getting something of the distress channel. It’s weak and I’m having problems getting it fixed…”
“Put it on the speakers, Commander.”
A man’s voice comes across the speakers. It is distorted.
“Imperative! This is the Kobayashi Maru, nineteen periods… out of Altair Six. We have struck… a gravitic mine,… and have lost all power. (STATIC) Our hull is penetrated and we have sustained many casualties. (STATIC)
Uhura makes another attempt pull in the signal. She slams the panel in disgust. “This is the Starship Liberty. Your message is breaking up. Can you give us your coordinates? Repeat. This is the Starship…”
“Liberty, our position is Gamma Hydra, Section Ten.”
Jane’s face turns serious. “In the Neutral Zone…” she says in a small voice. Captain Spock turns back to his console.
“Hull penetrated, life support… (STATIC) systems failing. Can you assist us,… Liberty? Can you assist us?!”
Jane spun her chair around. “Spock?”
Spock pressed a button on his console. “Kobayashi Maru. Subject vessel is a third class, neutronic fuel carrier, crew of eighty-one, three hundred passengers.” He turned back towards Jane. “I have to remind you, Captain, that they are in the Neutral Zone. They are not suppose to be there.”
“Damn…” She turned back to Commander Sulu. “Commander, can you pin point them?
Sulu was already banging away at his console. “I’ve been trying to, ma’am but they’re under heavy…”
“Liberty, this is Kobayashi Maru. We have many wounded from radiation burns. We are adrift in space. The mine took out both of our nacelles. Can you…(STATIC)”
Jane made up her mind. “Commander, plot a course. Once we get closer, we should be able to pick them up.” She flipped her battle pad over her lap.
Sulu turned back at her. “May I remind the Captain that if a Starship enters the Zone…”
Jane looked him dead in the eye. “I’m aware of my responsibilities, Mister. You have your orders.”
Sulu turned back to his console and began laying in a course. “Estimating two minutes to approximate location of the Kobayashi Maru.” He paused for a moment and leaned over to Chekov beside him. “Make someone a Grand Fleet Admiral and they think they own the place,” he said in a low voice. Jane hid her smile.
“Captain, I would like to remind you that…”
“I know what I’m doing, Captain Spock. There are hundreds of people barely alive in that vessel that are going to die if we don’t help them.”
“Yes, Captain but think of the millions that will also die at the hands of the Klingons due to the interstellar war that you are about to start.” That brought Jane up in her seat. She turned to Spock and looked at him.
“What would you do, Mr. Spock? Let them die?” she asked in a small voice.
He paused for a moment and then leaned in. “Jane, I can’t tell you what to do. That’s for the Captain to decide.”
She thought for a second. “We’ll be in and out of there in under five minutes. Too quickly for them to detect us.”
She turned back in her chair and sat tall. She pulled snug her jacket. “Mr. Sulu?”
“Thirty seconds, Captain.”
It was a long thirty seconds.
“Warning.” Jane always hated the computer’s voice. She made a mental note to change it on the first ship she got command of. “Now entering Neutral Zone.”
Spock stood beside her. “We are now in violation of the Treaty, Captain.”
Jane pressed a button on her battle pad. “Red alert. All medical teams to the transporters. Engineering? Scotty, we’ll need warp power as soon as the passengers and crew are aboard.”
“Aye, captain. She’ll be ready for ya.”
“As always. Transporter rooms, stand by to start beaming aboard survivors as quickly as you can.”
Uhura whipped her head around. “Captain, I’ve lost their signal!
A red light lit on Sulu’s board. The blood drained from his face. “Captain, sensors indicate three Klingon Crusiers, bearing three- one-six, mark four. Closing fast.”
“Visual. And get me some shields.”
The viewscreen changed to show a trio of modern Klingon battle cruisers approaching. One was no match for her ship but Jane didn’t know about three.
“Captain, I’ve scanned the area. I’ve found a buoy but no ship.” Spock turned to face Jane. “Captain, we’ve been tricked.”
Jane turned to Uhura. Inform the Klingons we’re on a rescue mission…”
Uhura was beating on her console again. “They’re jamming all the frequencies, Captain.”
“Klingons are coming about. Three more detected, bearing one- one- three, mark four.”
“It’s a trap. Sulu, get us out of here.”
“I’ll try, Captain. It’s going to be tight.”
Uhura whipped her head around. “Captain Lane, the Klingons are hailing us.” The entire crew turned as one to look at her.
Jane sat up straight in the captain’s chair. “On screen.”
The view screen changed to show the bridge of one of the attacking battlecruisers. Jane looked at the back of the Captain’s chair centered in the bridge.
“This is Captain Jane Lane of the U.S.S. Liberty. I wish to see the face of the baktag who dares…”
The chair swung around to face her. Jane’s mouth dropped as she gazed upon her best friend, Cadet Daria Morgendorffer, now wearing the uniform of the Klingon Empire. Jane’s view slid down slightly.
Where the hell did she get those?
“[Insert long line of Klingon that I could not get translated]”
The screen flicked off as Jane thought for a moment. The Klingon language was rather hard for her to understand. She stumbled over the translation.
“I… Kissed… Your…”
Jane’s face tightened in anger. She stood, rushed to the helmsman panel in front of her, and started pounding the fire control. “Give her everything you’ve got, Sulu!”
Done something similar in the past