50 Things NOT to do at Hogwarts

harry potter is being punished

harry potter is being punished

50 Things NOT to do at Hogwarts

(For reference, I didn’t write this but found it many places on line. If anyone knows the actual author, I’d love to give credit to that person.)

edit: I recently received an email from Atalanta Pendragonne that he or she is the original compiler of the list.  You can view the complete 50 Things NOT to do at Hogwarts list there as well as read all of the comments.  Atalanta mentioned that this is the complete list with “links to all the (CREDITED) submissions” and “there were pages and pages of them before I stopped archiving them.”  Thanks for the follow up.


1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are “covered in bees”.

2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not “an extra credit project for Herbology”.

4. “I’ve heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name” is not a challenge.

5. I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.

6. I will not go to class skyclad.

7.The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

8. I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore”.

9. I will stop referring to showering as “giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful”.

10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. “Polishing my wand” in the common room is not.

11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

12. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

14. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today’s project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

15. Adding the name “Bueller” to Professor Binns’ roster is not funny.

16. “Springtime for Voldemort” is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

17. Seamus Finnegan is not “after me Lucky Charms”.

18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as “bookends”.

19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as “bookends”.

20. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not “Rocky Horror.”

21. It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that “Once you go Black, you never go back.”

22. I will not call Lucius Malfoy “Jareth”.

23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

24. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as “Kitchen Stadium”.

25. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to “Get a room” whenever they start to fight.

26. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

27. I am not a tribble Animagus.

28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.

30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

31. Sirius Black is not #24601.

32. I will not lick Trevor.

33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

34. I am not being repressed.

35. Calling Lucius Malfoy “Luscious Mouthful” is just plain gross.

36. I will not change the password to the prefects’ bath to “Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty”.

37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

38. I am not a Pinball Wizard.

39. Asking “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” and walking away is only funny the first time.

40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.

41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.

42. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

44. Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say “NI”.

45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make “Love Potion Number Nine”.

47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

48. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with “What’s new, pussycat?”

49. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

17 thoughts on “50 Things NOT to do at Hogwarts

  1. this is soooo funny heheheeh I love it I’m a HUGE Harry Potter Fan 🙂
    We are having a BIG Harry Potter Birthday Bash for my daughter – she is turning 11 next month, the party is the 27th. We have rented a hall and everything and planning has taken over a year. Lady Rose

  2. But…I am a tribble animagus! (nice reference by the way)…I also like the many Monty Python cross references…Brilliant!

  3. The list is here in case anyone’s interested. The list I have here actually predates mischeifmaneged’s list by no less than 18 months. I only visit a board over at proboards and that one isn’t it.
    Still no idea where I got it from.

  4. 17. Seamus Finnegan is not “after me Lucky Charms.”
    23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
    I swear, I laughed out loud for about a minute.

  5. Comment #600 And Then Some

    Comment #600 goes to Magerine2 on the 50 Things NOT to do at Hogwarts post.  I missed Comment #500 in there somewhere but it;s been awhile since we hit #400.  We already have comment #601 with my follow up…

  6. Neville Would Have Done It In Four Books

    Yup, I like T-Shirts. (Especially when there’s a cute babe in them.) I had dozens of them when I was in college. Most of them were fairly well warn out by the time Angie showed up in my life. I…

  7. 51. There is not a candy house in the middle of the forbidden forest and I will stop telling first-years that there is one.
    52. I will not flood the Chamber of Secrets, put an organ in it, and start singing the Phantom of the Opera.
    53. The proper way to report to my Teacher is “Yes, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”
    54. The four houses are not the Morons, the Barons, the Smartasses, and the Junior Death Eaters.
    55. My headmaster’s name is Albus Dumbledore, not “Gandalf”.
    56. I will not refer to the Accio Charm as “The Force”.
    57. The phrase “Good dragon, nice dragon,” doesn’t work.
    58.I must not point to the Dark Mark in the sky and shout “To the Batmobile!”
    59. A hug is not all Snape needs.
    60.I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.
    Also not original and I would love to credit the author. 🙂

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