Daria in Three Hundred Reasons Why We’ll Never write for MTV

daria.jpgDaria sliently closed the door behind her and looked around the room. Fifteen years. It had been fifteen years since she had last stood inside this room. The Principal’s Office at LAWNdale High School. Li had finally been busted for money laundrying and fraud years ago. They had replaced her with some guy who had stabbed himself with a spork in the lunch room within a year. They there was the replacement who had a thing for penguins and had tried to show off his “call to nature” in front of the student body. The former nun had been taken away for using a ruler on her students within two months. Replacement after replacement had passed through this room.

And, now, she was the replacement. Four years of college, a year as a student teacher, another year working on her Masters, eight years as a tentured teacher and a year as a department head at another local school. The county board had gone nuts with the idea of hiring back one of their own and had offered her the position without much debate.

Of course only she and the guy wearing the duck hat had applied for the job.

Daria slid around the side of the desk and into her new chair. She remembered the little Budda statue which had sit for so long on the desk. Daria thought many times about taking that statue and ramming it right up Ms. Li’s…

Daria gathered her thoughts. She was the one in charge now. She would make a difference.

“Ms. Morgendorffer, you have two students here who have been sent by their teacher for disrupting a class.”

Daria pressed the button on her intercom. “Please send them in, Mrs. Smith.” Daria sat up straight, folded her hands on her desk, and smiled.

She would make a difference.

“Um, Mr. DeMartino said that I had to come see you since he didn’t like my paper airplane in his class. Hi, I’m Kevin, Jr. I’m the QB!”

“You sure are, sweetie. And, I’m Brittany, Jr.!”

“Um, why are you banging you head against your desk? Do you need some asprin?”

Three Hundred Reasons Why We’ll Never Write for MTV

daria.jpgAnother shorty based on the MTV show, Daria. It’s a crossover with the Peanuts gang.

Daria looked at the calender and frowned. Another Valentine’s Day. She sighed and made her way to the mailbox out front. For some reason, she was always the first one home on days like this. She didn’t want to get the mail. Nothing was ever for her. Especially today.

She opened the box, peeked and rummaged through the short stack. Seventeen for Quinn, a flyer from that butcher Dad’s been using, six bills and something that looked like a legal notice for Mom. Screw it. She slammed the mail box door and stood up.

That bald kid was across the street checking his family’s mailbox. The kid with the big head and round nose. Daria thought hard to remember what his name was. Charlie? Chunk? She shrugged but waved. The round headed kid waved back. He didn’t have any mail either. Daria thought he looked like he was about eight or ten. Daria ran a hand through her red hair as she turned to go back inside.

At least he didn’t have to worry about girls yet.

Daria wondered if there was anything on television. Maybe some sort of special to get her mind off of today.

Three Hundred Reasons Why We’ll Never Write for MTV

daria.jpg “OK, let the record show that we’ll never see another movie or television show with Reese Witherspoon in it because she wore the exact same dress as Kristen,” said Sandi. She turned towards Stacy. “Make sure you note that in our bi-laws. I don’t want any future Fashion Club members making that mistake.”

“And talk about tacky. They did it to the same award show three years apart,” Quinn threw in. “You would think that she would have enough money to pay people to notice stuff like that. At least we won’t have to put up with another horrible Legally Blonde movie.” Quinn shuddered.

“Tacky.” Tiffany had to get her own two cents in.

“Got it.” Stacy made a notation on the agenda and moved down a line. “Next item is the upcoming costume ball Friday night.”

Quinn nodded. “OK, does anyone have any ideas of what we could go as?”

“Quinn, as president of the Fashion Club, I assure you that I am more than capable of running this meeting and making sure that we move along in a speedy yet organized manner.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Sandi. I could never take over for you. You always know how to run the perfect meeting. Organized agendas. Comfy pillows. Parents gone. These wonderful…” Quinn stopped. “Parents gone?” The girls looked at one another.

The low throbbing music began….

Daria – Take a deep breath now…


“I’m telling you, Jane. When she does it, all the guys will faint. Ten bucks?”

“No way. They’re not stuck on her that much. Twenty. Wait, there she is.”

“Quinn, I need to talk to you.”

“What is it, Daria? I’m busy trying to be popular.”

“Quinn, I just need a quick favor. I want you to go out ino the middle of the hallway and take a deep breath.”

Quinn’s eyes narrowed. “Is this some kind of trick?”

“No trick. I just want to prove something to Jane here.”


Quinn took a few steps into the middle of the happway and stopped in an empty spot. She was, of course, the center of attention. She looked around for a moment and then took a deep breath.

Most of the male population near her immediately fainted.

“Damn, she’s good. That was almost worth the twenty bucks.” Jane handed it over to Daria.

“Nice doing business with you.”

Cut from That Was Then, This is Dumb

daria.jpg Daria and Quinn walk out of their house to the sight of a classic Volkswagen Beetle parked at the curb. Quinn frowns.

Quinn – What kind of car is that?

Daria – That’s not a car. It’s a time machine.

Quinn looks at it.

Quinn – Has kind of a small back seat…

Daria – Oh, it’s big enough alright.

Daria immediately blushes and covers her mouth. Quinn smiles and turns to her sister,

Quinn – And how would *YOU* know?

The crew starts laughing.